MI-SHAPED

busted flush

I once saw a painting with people in it . They were talking and laughing and in the background their was a sinister character lurking he looked jealous and frugal. His fingers were bone like and his face was mi-shaped a bit like a bruised apple that might have fall from grace. The people in the highlighted area of the painting didnt seem to notice him . "Sometimes evil is all around us and we don't see it", my friend who was with me on this day casually mentioned as if he had been in my head for the previous fifteen seconds . We never spoke of this again . Maybe cause its a boring topic or maybe because of something else .

anonymousman

Right it needs a setting. No spaces before full stops . I'm not sure when you use them but not here anyway. Be careful of words like "frugal", if it is the right word to use then use it but it just seems like you used a thesarus and wanted to use a fancy word to look impressive! Try be more descriptive and more subtle.

Don't put your own writing down "maybe it was boring". Don't introduce another character like "my friend was with me on this day". Try giving them a name and an overall purpose rather than just slotting them in when convienient.

What is the point of the writing, I think you are trying to make it mysterious "something else".

Oh what does "mi-shaped" mean? *confused*

I don't know why I got so carried away critiquing you it is constructive criticism. Here is a re-write maybe to help you understand where I'm coming from.





When I first saw the picture of the "lonely man", it was just that - a picture in an art gallery. He was one figure in a see of colourful and cheerful characters yet he stood out. His head was oddly shaped, like a withered apple, it was mi-shaped yet none of the other people seemed to notice him. His skin was wrinkled and he had a twisted sort of grin. His dark and ragged clothing gave him nothing to smile about - so why was he smiling?

"Sometimes evil is all around us and we don't see it", said Dave suddenly. I jumped at the sound of his voice. I was so engrossed in this picture I forgot he was even there.

These trips to the gallery with Dave would soon come to an end as he had to write his thesis. The image of the withered old man, however, stayed in my mind. Whether it was discussed by Dave in his thesis - I'll never know. But the notion of "evil is all around us and we don't see it" certainly rang through in his actions over the following months. At that one moment in the gallery I thought nothing of the significance of his comment. Now each night I lie awake thinking of that image and thinking of how I just didn't see the evil in Dave.

"Coffee?" I asked Dave. "Sure thing" he replied with a smirk.

busted flush

thanks for your opinion anonymousman.

pokypoky

anonymousman wrote: »

Right it needs a setting. No spaces before full stops . I'm not sure when you use them but not here anyway. Be careful of words like "frugal", if it is the right word to use then use it but it just seems like you used a thesarus and wanted to use a fancy word to look impressive! Try be more descriptive and more subtle.

Don't put your own writing down "maybe it was boring". Don't introduce another character like "my friend was with me on this day". Try giving them a name and an overall purpose rather than just slotting them in when convienient.

What is the point of the writing, I think you are trying to make it mysterious "something else".

Oh what does "mi-shaped" mean? *confused*

I don't know why I got so carried away critiquing you it is constructive criticism. Here is a re-write maybe to help you understand where I'm coming from.





When I first saw the picture of the "lonely man", it was just that - a picture in an art gallery. He was one figure in a see of colourful and cheerful characters yet he stood out. His head was oddly shaped, like a withered apple, it was mi-shaped yet none of the other people seemed to notice him. His skin was wrinkled and he had a twisted sort of grin. His dark and ragged clothing gave him nothing to smile about - so why was he smiling?

"Sometimes evil is all around us and we don't see it", said Dave suddenly. I jumped at the sound of his voice. I was so engrossed in this picture I forgot he was even there.

These trips to the gallery with Dave would soon come to an end as he had to write his thesis. The image of the withered old man, however, stayed in my mind. Whether it was discussed by Dave in his thesis - I'll never know. But the notion of "evil is all around us and we don't see it" certainly rang through in his actions over the following months. At that one moment in the gallery I thought nothing of the significance of his comment. Now each night I lie awake thinking of that image and thinking of how I just didn't see the evil in Dave.

"Coffee?" I asked Dave. "Sure thing" he replied with a smirk.

is this serious or just a veiled attempt at upsetting busted flush? Why did you rewrite it? What arrogance! plus you havent rewritten it, thats a completely different piece of writing, and inferior piece of writing in my opinion. Its like you took his piece and ran it through some kind of "Catherine Cookson converter"

Busted flush I think there's something in your style of writing but it definitely needs work, in my opinion, to get that stream of consciousness narrative flowing.