who could it have been?

busted flush

the phone rang, it made a ringing noise , it was very repetitive and somewhat annoying like a repetitive annoying thing that rings . So i decided after some thought to venture over to the mantel where the aforementioned phone was ringing and now vibrating and see who it was. private number . i hate private numbers. i never did answer that call maybe it was someone important like George bush or some sales person . guess IL never know.

anonymousman

Don't take this the wrong way but are you what they call a "troll"?

busted flush

anonymousman wrote: »

Don't take this the wrong way but are you what they call a "troll"?

whats a troll?
I'm just writing to be creative, is this not the creative writing section?
if you look at anything I've done you can see I'm no shakespeare ,however i do enjoy writing. surely i should not be chastised for this . i like to write i know I'm no good but i still like to do it. Most people like football yet never play with the greats (ronaldo, o shea , del perio ), i do value your input but please be a little more sensitive . i have never even been under a bridge . troll. lol.

anonymousman

A "troll" is someone who comes to forums to purposely wind people up! I looked through your posting history and I don't think you are one.

The only reason I thought you were a troll was just there is alot of pitfalls in that piece you wrote! Alot!

Keep practicing though. I get that you are trying to create mystery but it just doesn't work, especially the line "annoying repetitive thing that rings", thats the same as "the sky was big and blue like a big blue thing".

Saying "the sky was big and blue like the saphire coloured ocean beneath it" works better. Use metaphors and similes to describe things, never ever describe something using the exact same words eg. if someone were to ask what a Planet was you never say its a "planet" you say its a "big rock that orbits the sun".

anonymousman

I notice you have really good ideas, something that some writers would love to have. The motivation behind your writing is great, but you need to brush up on grammar etc. Keep it up! Don't mind me!

davyjose

anonymousman wrote: »

Saying "the sky was big and blue like the saphire coloured ocean beneath it" works better.

I disagree. I think it sounds hackneyed.

busted flush

thanks davey i was kind of going for the raw feel

anonymousman

Hackneyed or not it is better than saying that something is annoying and repetitive like a annoying and repetitive thing.

davyjones can you not see that? How could "the sky is big and blue like a big blue thing" ever be considered good writing?

I used that as a basic example of how to use a metaphor (saphire) and a simile (ocean). Now you have made the OP think what he wrote was better.

busted flush

hi anoymousman, I'm just wondering are you a teacher? honestly you sound like a disgruntled teacher, who decided 8 years ago that you had better take the 34 hour a week job. Just till your writing career took off, and now 8 years on your manuscript has still not been picked up by a publisher, and to blow of steam you now "TROLL" public forums in particular the creative writing sections ,with your red biro telling people how bad their efforts and, how they should consider, doing this or that to improve their piece. Don't get me wrong i appreciate your original view, and your take on what i was trying to do, however i was attempting to do something in a unconventional way, and felt there was no point in explaining it to you as i you were brain washed from years of torture trying to mould the young minds of our country.So again i ask . Are you a teacher?

Sarky

Calm down. I won't tolerate abuse here.

dublinario

anonymousman wrote: »

Saying "the sky was big and blue like the saphire coloured ocean beneath it" works better. Use metaphors and similes to describe things, never ever describe something using the exact same words eg. if someone were to ask what a Planet was you never say its a "planet" you say its a "big rock that orbits the sun".

Pure nonsense. But beyond the sheer wrongness of this nugget, I'm struck again by the staggering lack of humility on this particular branch of boards.ie. The dearth of "in my opinion....", or "perhaps you could...." language is marked. Instead we have an abundance of dictatorial advice, delivered with a level of certainty that an award-winning novelist would find cocky.

Busted Flush, I liked your original post, far more than anything Anonymousman offered you in his free tutorial. I presume it was free, wasn't it? You didn't get a bill in the post did you?

anonymousman

Right what I wrote wasn't great but it was not intended to be, it was just an EXAMPLE.

How could anyone possibly enjoy reading "like a repetitive annoying thing" - thats lazy, inarticulate, badly written IN MY OPINION.

The full stops having spaces before them also made it hard to read.

If the OP is posting here I PRESUME he wants feedback and thats MY feedback. Big deal.

busted flush

anonymousman wrote: »

If the OP is posting here I PRESUME he wants feedback and that's MY feedback. Big deal.

To be fair this is a good point. It is not a big deal either for me anyhow.
I'm not big on punctuation and when i do write i always try to inhabit the mind of the main character. This is why i say/write things like "the phone rang, it made a ringing noise, it was very repetitive and somewhat annoying like a repetitive annoying thing that rings". The guy is bothered and even the simplest thing like a phone ringing perplexes him almost overwhelms him. He cant explain or articulated it any better hence "repetitive and somewhat annoying like a repetitive annoying thing that rings"
i don't know why i have to explain this i just like to write about situations, everyday mundane happenings its no big deal

davyjose

anonymousman wrote: »

davyjones can you not see that? How could "the sky is big and blue like a big blue thing" ever be considered good writing?

That's not the point. The point is, you offered really poor advice. Poor on the grounds that a) what you offered was boring and derivative, and b) you've pretty much told him that there is only one way to write. Whilst I agree that what Busted Flush wrote wasn't going to set the world alight, at least he showed some individuality in it, which is a hell of a lot more important than writing Marian Keyes knock-off's, or suchlike.

sitout

The question has to be asked, busted flush are you serious ? My god this has to be some sort of joke! Anoymousman i could not agree with you more. The whole peice in my opinion was a shambles .

busted flush

maybe this thread should be closed now. I never meant for this to happen!

davyjose

sitout wrote: »

The question has to be asked, busted flush are you serious ? My god this has to be some sort of joke! Anoymousman i could not agree with you more. The whole peice in my opinion was a shambles .

Just like your spelling. I personally think it's disgusting to knock someone who has the balls to do what neither you or anonymousman (apt name) have - post something of your own.

:rolleyes::mad:

Sarky

You all fail. Thread locked.