Should mother send a nasty letter or not?

Monkey61

Hi,

Bit of background here first - my mother has been going out with her boyfriend on and off for the past sixteen years. To be honest a bit more off than on over the past five or so. He was a huge part of my childhood - always going to stay with him, him bringing me out to the park etc.

After years of him trying to persuade her to move in with him and her constant refusal for many reasons (he's an alcoholic who's only recently stopped drinking, moving her children and stuff) she finally moved in with him - although made it very clear that it was only temporary because she was waiting to find a new house for the future security of my younger sister.


They hadn't been getting on great as they have very antagonistic personalities and constantly annoy eachother over silly things. My mother is very much in love with him though and thought he was with her. A couple of weeks ago, while tidying up she found an envelope marked "In case of my death" which of course, being my mother, she opened. He has a lot of health problems and nearly died recently - hence the letter being lying around and her interest in the contents.

Basically the letter was to his ex-wife telling her how she was the love of his life and his most important achievement and how he did not want anyone at the funeral except her and his kids. He leaves all his money to them but says that his ex-wife, can decide for herself if she wants to give anything to my mother (his partner of sixteen years!) and another woman who he dated for a year over seventeen years ago!!

My mother's world pretty much collapsed at the news that his ex-wife (who he refers to as his "best friend" - which my mum has always been annoyed about) will effectively be barring her from his funeral after she has spent the rest of his life with him, looking after him through all of his health problems. She was also furiously angry and as a result of this wants to give him a horrendously angry letter that conveys her bitterness and such. It sounds pretty nasty tbh.

Should she?

Bearing in mind that I suspect he doesn't think she actually loves him because I've seen all the stupid fights they have. And he is basically a nice man.

I think she should leave with her head held high and if she wants to write a letter, tell him how much she loved him and how stupid it was for him to give up on someone who would have spent the rest of her life with him - and then just walk away leaving him realising that he made a terrible mistake - not thinking that he had a lucky escape from a crazy lady.

herya

Monkey61 wrote: »

I think she should leave with her head held high and if she wants to write a letter, tell him how much she loved him and how stupid it was for him to give up on someone who would have spent the rest of her life with him - and then just walk away leaving him realising that he made a terrible mistake - not thinking that he had a lucky escape from a crazy lady.

+1.

What a terrible situation to be in tbh.

Wibbs

+2

A bad situation indeed, but for what it's worth you appear to be handling this with impressive maturity. Kudos

Anti

+3

She needs to get out of there.

Liam Byrne

One thing struck me....she was "tidying up".

she finally moved in with him

So when was the letter written ? Could it have been YEARS ago ?

Also, the "being my mother" doesn't excuse her actions. What she did - in opening the letter - was wrong; the guy isn't dead.

But we'll leave that aside and go back to my first question; when was the letter written - if it WAS ages ago, then there's no guarantee that he'd write the same letter now, having met your mum.

Monkey61

Hey,

I wasnt excusing it at all...I was merely pointing out her nosy nature! Curiosity kills the cat indeed.

It was originally written in 2002 (about the time their problems started getting bigger) and updated with his solicitor this year! I did wonder if it had accidentally on purpose been left around cos it was under a pile of some old shared work documents, but he is ever so sightly senile and is likely to accidentally do something like that!

Talliesin

+1

The only value in something designed to increase drama and with no other effect is for entertainment value. It can indeed be very entertaining to get into a scrap with someone, but if you're doing it with someone you have positive emotions for (even if mingled with negative ones) then any victory will by pyrrhic.

Bitchiness is a pass-time, not a way to do anything worth doing.

MJOR

Well I think saying goodbye and writing the letter is a good idea...

WilmaRidesAgain

I dont think writing him a letter will do any good, if this man has deceived her on such a massive scale for so long without conscience, he is obviously a sociopathic parasite who has absolutely no remorse.

I would doubt he will care/comprehend he has even done anything wrong, in his world his needs are the only relevant ones, other peoples needs are just meaningless shadows to him. Her writing a letter to such a character will not give her any satisfaction as he is unlikely to view it with any relevance.

Your Mother needs to focus her energy in removing this man physically from her house (if he is still there) That is primary.

Gumbyman

Awful situation to be fair but has she thought of sitting down and actually talking to the guy? It is easy to be nasty and mean in a letter and say things that you will regret. Talking. It works.