Is it possible to change "aspects" of your personality?

LegacyUser

Hi,
To be blunt, I've noticed over the years that a lot of people just don't like me and think I'm a bit of a w***er. I used just think it was other peoples problem but realise that so many cant be wrong. I do have close friends whom I've grown up with and work with and have an active social life. However, I have got loads of comments over the years such as " X thinks you are a cnut" "Y has no time for you" "Z hates you". I have also had numerous comments from people such as " I used to think you were a d*ck but you're actually sound now that I know you".
To be honest, I think a lot of it boils down to when I have been drunk over the years(especially when younger), I can be very arrogant,obnoxious, loud, opinionated and liable to do or say anything. Also even when sober when I get to know someone I can tend to slag a bit too much and can be a bit pass remarkable about 3rd parties. However generally I am a friendly,loyal,outgoing and a good friend.
I'm not out to win any popularity contests but is it possible to address these aspects of my personality and maybe repair some of the damage done? One obvious aspect I've addressed is not getting pi**ed when out meeting new people. Are there any other ways I can go about making a better impression on people without resorting to being a "yes" man and brown-nosing?

Beruthiel

It's possible to change anything if you have the will to do so and are prepared to put the effort in.

Are there any other ways I can go about making a better impression on people without resorting to being a "yes" man and brown-nosing?

To answer that, all you have to do is cut down on the below:

Also even when sober when I get to know someone I can tend to slag a bit too much and can be a bit pass remarkable about 3rd parties

Karen_*

Once someone has got to know you they find you to be sound? Well then you don't need to change your personality at all OP. You just need to show more people who you really are and what you're really like instead of putting on a front. And fair play to you by the way for addressing your issues and for trying to change.:)

MJOR

It really gets on my nerves when people say things like "x thinks" or "ythinks" its like they can't validate their own opinions.

Anyway people change with drink....(example me on JD I think the world hates me) Maybe you should have a few nights out on the old OJ and see if this makes a difference...

Maybe they don't dislike you and just the "drunk you"

You can change but only if you want to and can see why you need to...:D

WilmaRidesAgain

"I'm not out to win any popularity contests but is it possible to address these aspects of my personality and maybe repair some of the damage done? "

Firstly well done on addressing the booze issue, thats half the battle won right there!

The fact that you have even asked this question shows the beginnnings of self awareness that a lot of people never come to, so I would say to you that because you have that precious quality insight and also a desire to change you will evolve and grow into a nicer and more likable person!

When people critisise me of course it hurts but I find it valuable to mull it over rather than dismiss it cos often the grain (rock) of truth in it is educational. You can read between the lines bigtime to see why people are turned off!!!

My mother has a friend who is horribly draining, self obsessed and overstays her welcome and is clingy but at the same time very judgemental of others. No one likes this woman because of these things but rather than listen to peoples reasons why, she dismisses everyone elses opinions as stupid and thinks everyone is trying to hurt her.

Point is she has no insight, so she is never gonna learn!

You do though!! So good luck!

RedXIV

I'd LIKE to be able to say, no, you don't need to change to suit other people but being honest, sometimes changing yourself is just the better option. You reckon you slag people a bit too much, well in that case start with adding "just kidding" at the end if you don't think you can slow it down altogether.

If drink makes you unrulely, then minimise your drink intake.

As i said, i don't like saying people should change for others, but in some cases it appears to be called for.

Best of luck

Red

AngryBadger

Honestly this sounds like me.

If you can cite incidents where you have behaved like a jerk, then that will validate peoples criticism. You have to watch the slagging, some people are well able for it, and will give as good as they get and it can all be harmless and a great laugh. other people cannot cope, and will take things very hard even when they're not intended that way.

But in the main, unless you can think of a string of incidents where you actually went out of your way to do wrong by someone, or where you had too much to drink or whatever and were a prick, then I'd be inclined to say **** anyone who comes up to you and says "I used to think you were a prick but you're ok".

ANYONE who would say that to someone IS IN FACT a COLOSSAL prick. I mean why would you tell someone that?

Many people do tend to have issues with anyone who is confident, and to be fair, confidence in a person who's very comfortable with themselves can be mis-construed as arrogance.

Check yourself OP, and if you can't find a history of abusing friends then you're fine and there's no need to change anything, I suspect you were right to assume it was something to do with other people.

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote: »

Honestly this sounds like me.

If you can cite incidents where you have behaved like a jerk, then that will validate peoples criticism. You have to watch the slagging, some people are well able for it, and will give as good as they get and it can all be harmless and a great laugh. other people cannot cope, and will take things very hard even when they're not intended that way.

But in the main, unless you can think of a string of incidents where you actually went out of your way to do wrong by someone, or where you had too much to drink or whatever and were a prick, then I'd be inclined to say **** anyone who comes up to you and says "I used to think you were a prick but you're ok".

ANYONE who would say that to someone IS IN FACT a COLOSSAL prick. I mean why would you tell someone that?

Many people do tend to have issues with anyone who is confident, and to be fair, confidence in a person who's very comfortable with themselves can be mis-construed as arrogance.

Check yourself OP, and if you can't find a history of abusing friends then you're fine and there's no need to change anything, I suspect you were right to assume it was something to do with other people.

To be honest I can think of situations when I have been a pri*k where I have said and done some outlandish stuff, but can honestly say I've never meant to offend anyone. As I've said most of this has occured in my younger years when drunk though I still have a small element of that in me and tend to keep an eye on how much I drink as a result. My closest friends have often told me I'm a knob when hammered - but so are most of them IMO but i would just pass their drunkeness off and forget about it.
I'm not really down on myself over this as I know I'm not a bad person, I have close friends and am very close to my family and spend lots of time with my little nieces & nephews ( 8 of them). However, if someone gives me their opinion on something and I have a different opinion I will tell them - certain people can't handle this. Even when sober I will have to learn to have self-restraint and engage the head before the mouth.

tbh

op, first of all, on the drink. One of my mates is a real asshole when he drinks although he's the soundest guy in the world when sober. The result? no-one drinks with him anymore, and hardly anyone trusts him. It's his loss really.

As for the pass-remarkable stuff, why do you feel the need to do that? Is it some insecurity on your part that means you have to put others down if you feel threatened by them? Obviously, nobody likes that guy. It's entirely possible to change, but you have to understand why you do those things in the first place.

AngryBadger

RegTheUnreg wrote: »

As I've said most of this has occured in my younger years when drunk though I still have a small element of that in me and tend to keep an eye on how much I drink as a result.

Ok, I don't think there's a person alive who hasn't done soemthing stupid whilst under the influence, that doesn't excuse it, but you've taken that in hand so end of story there.

RegTheUnreg wrote: »

My closest friends have often told me I'm a knob when hammered - but so are most of them IMO but i would just pass their drunkeness off and forget about it.

I'd be kinda psised off if my friends were telling me that while being the same themselves.

RegTheUnreg wrote: »

However, if someone gives me their opinion on something and I have a different opinion I will tell them - certain people can't handle this. Even when sober I will have to learn to have self-restraint and engage the head before the mouth.

Hmmmm...while I don't see a problem with expressing yoru opinion, again, some people don't really want to hear your opinion, they just want you to hear theirs. Obviously they're gonna get annoyed when you start disagreeing with them.

I'd be inclined to as you say, show more "restraint" in that circumstance.

Seems to me you're not doing a whole lot wrong OP. If people were making me feel this badly about something i actually wasn't doing I'd be inclined to wonder why they were busting ym balls over it...

dee8839

RegTheUnreg wrote: »

To be honest I can think of situations when I have been a pri*k where I have said and done some outlandish stuff, but can honestly say I've never meant to offend anyone.

One of my (now) closest friends really says what he thinks and doesn't always stop to think about whether he is being hurtful. When I first met him, I despised him! But I've grown to realise that he doesn't mean to be insulting (although he still ocassionally is), he is just brutally honest and doesn't see any problem with being that way. But his friends are the ones who have gotten to know him well enough to realise this. If others don't, that does not mean he's a bad person, merely misunderstood. You sound similar. Having said that...

RegTheUnreg wrote: »

As I've said most of this has occured in my younger years when drunk though I still have a small element of that in me and tend to keep an eye on how much I drink as a result. My closest friends have often told me I'm a knob when hammered

I'm the same way. Except I'm still young and still a bit of an idiot when drunk. I don't mean to be. But yet, in college and your early 20s, its hard not to partake in the drinking culture when your friends do, so its hard to stay sober most nights even when you know you should. Well done for having the resolve to be careful over what you drink. I'm working on doing the same. I hate waking up some mornings and hoping to god I didn't offend anyone the night before.

You sound like a good person, OP. Just be self-aware, as you clearly seem to be trying to be, and you'll be fine.

WilmaRidesAgain

Good thread this one.

Everyone has opinions and there is nothing wrong with disagreeing with people, nothing at all. I could have a diametrically opposing opinion to you OP but it wouldn't matter to me. I find though its how the opinion is expressed rather than what it is.

So its delivery over content thats important is what Im saying. Some people can come accross very smug and aggressive in expressing their opinions, you know in a sort of "my way or the highway/if you disagree with me you are a fool" type of way, no one likes those people and rather than stay and discuss things with these people most folks tend to avoid/ignore them.....

Anyway, in written word you seem very reasonable but is it possible you might be coming accross too strong in the flesh....

I was one of those people when I was younger...what I thought was coming accross as jokey and confident, people actually thought I was in a rage, I just have one of those faces unfortunately, i have to edit myself to be palatable to people in person, I agree with Angry Badger in a way, you mean no harm so why should you have to bend and change yourself for people.....

But on the other hand, if through an unfortunate configuration of facial muscles and speech delivery, the rest of the world totally misunderstands you, you find yourself lonely, well then making some small modifications can be benificial....

But by cripes its hard bein misunderstood!

Irishcrx

OP, I wouldn't try and force myself to change, I have the same kind of stigma with people, even people that don't know but know of me etc etc and you hear "Oh your X, i heard your a ****" or whatever, but these people don't know me and I don't care what they think of me if they are that without having a back up then I'm not bothered even answering they can think it all they like. Again like you when I was younger I did some bad/stupid thing's but it was all part of being young and growing and has no reflection on the way I act today.

Point being , just be yourself and love yourself for it. If people don't like it then that's ok they can have their opinion you have your close mates, people who know you and respect you for who you are and that's all you need. But if someone makes an effort then make it back.

peanut66

I reckon you just need to work on how you are when you first meet people. You say the drink thing is not as bad now or whatever so you dont need to change yourself just stop before you say something stupid like you would usually say, esp if you know it will get a bad reaction.

Try and relax around people and maybe get ur good friends to point out to you if they think your being a bit of an as* any particular time.

I know first impressions can be wrong and people i havent been mad about at first have proved me wrong but in general I tend to go one first impressions. ive met a few guys that come across as dic*s and ive been told by their friends its cos they are nervous or get embarrassed around people so its like a defence mechanism. Turns out they can be the nicest people in the world behind closed doors....is that the case with u dya think?