I'm going downhill.

LegacyUser

I honestly don't know where to start with this, I think i'm about to have a breakdown, over the past few weeks i've seen such a dramatic change in my personality that i don't myself anymore, I've lost my smile. I've been stressed, buying a house , getting money together, getting work done in the house etc and everything outside of that family issue's, my family has never been normal my brother is in foster care with my aunt, and I came up with my grandad but he died when I was 12 and I lived with my aunt till I was 18 and moved out, got a job and now the house I bought is my grandads old house. I think I'm only starting to deal with everything now that I've gone back there, I don't think I did when I was younger just put on a brave face, I was the one that found him when he died as it was just me and him and it's all coming back to me now.

In the past few weeks i've pushed my girlfriend of 4 years away, all she did was support me and try to help and I was a complete and utter a**hole to her and broke it off, told her to move on etc, I've pushed my friends away when they tried to help me , told them I wanted to be on my own, when they call over I sit in silence or get aggresive, I don't go out anymore I just sit in playing games or worrying or smoking so much weed that I forget everything, my job is suffering from it and everything is getting on top of me. I was never like this i'd always be a happy energetic guy, friendly , optimistic , loved going to the gym was always in shape, now i'm putting on weight and generally feel like a horrible person, i don't like who I am.

My self confidence which was once so strong is now broken, I can't talk to people like I used to, I get shy, embarresed take easy ways out, find myself being walked on thing's I'd never stand for normally...I feel like i've ****ed up everything I even feel guilty fdor posting this cause I'm not sure what I'm looking for...sorry for ranting

Miss Fluff

You seriously need to lay off the weed. How much are you smoking? Sounds like you have enough stress going on in your life without exaserbating all your worries by being stoned all the time. You probably think it's chilling you out but all the symptoms you are displaying, i.e. weight gain, depression, anxiety, mood swings can all be attributed to pot. Knock it on the head so you can get on with your life with a clear head.

Wibbs

There is and has been a lot of stress in your life, so it's understandable it will affect you. It would affect anyone. I would advise because of the the level of that, you should maybe go to your GP who could refer you to a counselor before it gets any worse.

It's easy for anyone of us to fall into a hole and not feel we can get out of it. There is help out there though and good help. Help that will get you back on a more even keel. It'll also help to talk and get it out with someone face to face.

Admitting it's getting too much and writing it down here is a great first step. Many wouldn't take that step, but it's only a step so take the next step so that you can march right back up that hill. I know that sounds Oprah level cheese there , but doesn't make it any less true. I wish you good luck with it.

Hooly22

Smile25 wrote: »

sorry for ranting

Don't apologise.

Smile25 wrote: »

In the past few weeks i've pushed my girlfriend of 4 years away, all she did was support me and try to help and I was a complete and utter a**hole to her and broke it off, told her to move on etc, I've pushed my friends away when they tried to help me , told them I wanted to be on my own, when they call over I sit in silence or get aggresive

Everyone deals with issues their own way - your loved ones will understand so try not to start feeling guilty aswell. They're just worried about you. I agree with Miss Fluff though - weed isn't gonna help you.


You haven't ****ed anything up - none of that is your fault.

Have you considered going and talking to someone professional about this?

Wibbs

I agree with Miss Fluff on her point. A very wise mate of mine once said in relation to alcohol, but it applies to any drug(personal choice and legality aside for the moment). He said "Alcohol in life should be thought of like a condiment, a flavouring for food, a flavouring for life, it shouldn't be a replacement for the food/life itself or a replacement of the flavour of good food". That's a good yardstick to judge your intake of any drug.

LegacyUser

I haven't seen anyone about it , I can't afford to at the moment and I wouldn't know where to start with them I'd be afraid I'd open up even more doors , I guess I've always been one for bottling thing's up but I know I'll explode sooner or later, I do have mood swings one min i'm fine and the next i'm severly uphappy, angry. I seem to have a dislike to everyone around me for no reason at all, I get defenive even in the most oridinary situations. I'm always giving others advise but can never take my own. The weed...well I guess now i'm smoking about 6 joints a day and about 150 euro's worth a week it's the only time I seem to calm down but it doesn't help next day it all comes back...I just wish I could by myself again, I miss it..

Hooly22

Smile24 wrote: »

The weed...well I guess now i'm smoking about 6 joints a day and about 150 euro's worth a week

This may sound sarcastic, don't mean it that way at all.
Stop spending 150euros on weed and use it to get yourself a professional to talk to.

Also, I'm sure you've heard it before (i'm also an offender of this!) - bottling things up never works.:(

Beruthiel

Smile24 wrote: »

I haven't seen anyone about it , I can't afford to at the moment

How much is your sanity worth to you?

I guess I've always been one for bottling thing's up but I know I'll explode sooner or later,

Yes you will. Why not try and prevent that?

I do have mood swings one min i'm fine and the next i'm severly uphappy, angry. I seem to have a dislike to everyone around me for no reason at all, I get defenive even in the most oridinary situations.

Get some help with this.

The weed...well I guess now i'm smoking about 6 joints a day and about 150 euro's worth a week

You just said you cannot afford to go see a professional, yet it's obvious you have 150 euro a week that can be spent on one.

Now it's as plain as the nose on your face what you have to do.
A bit of a smoke now and again is nice, but if it's preventing you from seeking help then you know what has to be done.

Buying a house is one of the top three most stressful things you can do in this life. On top of that you are dealing with a past that you have never fully confronted. That will not go away until you face it and learn to live with it.

Do you consider yourself worth saving? If the answer is yes, then be proactive about it and go do what it takes to sort yourself out.

You feel like crap now, but everything you have said above can be fixed. You can be that happy go lucky chap again. All you need to do is help yourself get there, one step at a time.

MJOR

Sorry If this sounds harsh.... No doubt you have had it rough... Bot there are definately people on here that have had it worse.

Drugs are not the answer to anything especially not the state of mind you are in...

I think that you should cop on quite frankly

Pherekydes

The first step on the road to recovery is recognising you have a problem.

Congrats, you've done that. Now try and drag yourself back on an even keel. Kick the weed for starters. It's only clouding your mind.

You feel like a sh!t for what you did to your ex. Make her the most abject apology you can, with no strings attached. After you've done that you'll start to feel more like a human being. Get back training; shed the weight. There's several things you can do yourself without having to pay for counselling. You should also consider that. I'm guessing it won't cost €150 a week.

LegacyUser

Well that's not even the half of it , I would love to cop on don't get me wrong I'm not totally hopeless, it's easy to say it but forcing yourself to feel differant isn't as easy. The weed doesn't cost me any money I have other ways , i've stopped that now and I am cutting it out to an occasional thing cause I know I have to have my head clear at the moment and start putting thing's into perspective.

Miss Fluff

If you're that dependent on smoke as well it maybe an idea to go to your GP and tell them you are giving it up. They may be able to prescribe something as a very short-term measure to help you with sleep etc. A spliff here and there is fine when you have your life in order but is definitley not a good idea as a form of escape, makes everything that much worse if you ask me.

RedXIV

Congrats on first step OP but here's where we see what you're really made of. While it's not easy to admit you have problems, taking those problems on is not easy, it's not fun but the end result is more than worth it. My housemate tried to give up cigarettes this week, lasted 3 days before giving into the shakes, so i know how hard it must be to give up a vice like smoke.

But the point here is that you have to start addressing these issues now. You may not think you have the resources to do so now, but you do. And do it sooner rather than later, the longer you leave it, the harder it'll be.

Rooting for ya mate

Red

CPT. SURF

A very wise mate of mine once said in relation to alcohol, but it applies to any drug(personal choice and legality aside for the moment). He said "Alcohol in life should be thought of like a condiment, a flavouring for food, a flavouring for life, it shouldn't be a replacement for the food/life itself or a replacement of the flavour of good food".

What an awesome analogy! I'd never heard it before but it is totally in line with my philosophy on such matters. Cheers for that

Aurora Borealis

Pherekydes wrote: »

The first step on the road to recovery is recognising you have a problem.

Pherekydes wrote: »

Congrats, you've done that. Now try and drag yourself back on an even keel. Kick the weed for starters. It's only clouding your mind.

You feel like a sh!t for what you did to your ex. Make her the most abject apology you can, with no strings attached. After you've done that you'll start to feel more like a human being. Get back training; shed the weight. There's several things you can do yourself without having to pay for counselling. You should also consider that. I'm guessing it won't cost €150 a week.

I hit rock bottom too not so long back in a scarily big way and alienated friends and family and let it affect work etc. Counseling is good but there is a lot you can do yourself to pull yourself out of the hole you feel you might be in. I found writing things down a help and even just running with my ipod and reading books, both self-help and fiction, a great release. Found boards a great help too I must say because I could open up here and for all intents and purposes I’m anonymous here because I’m nothing more than a username and no one I know knows who I am on here.

Regarding your ex, apologise by all means and explain why you are but then turn your attention to you again because you’re the only person who can really understand how you’re feeling and can ultimately turn things round and no one else has should have control over that. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to set things straight with my ex and it only caused me more pain in the end. But maybe your ex is more approachable. In any event my point is try focus your energy on yourself now.

In reference to smoke etc I’m slow to comment on anyone else’s bad habits because I have my own but I did find it a help to lay off booze etc because I found my lowest and I mean low.. points were post party benders and I was fragile enough as it was anyway without lowering my defenses anymore.

Just my tuppence worth…

Sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you realise you can stop.

AngryBadger

There's a few things happening here OP.

1) As you've alluded to yourself, there are some issues from your childhood that you've never properly addressed.

2) In particular, you lost your grandfather, and you never dealt with that grief. Then you bought his old house and moved in there, and suddenly that grief came back, very raw, and very powerful.

3) You're smoking a LOT of marijuana. Which can induce panic attacks, and can be a catalyst for a number of pstchological conditions which a given person may have a predisposition toward.

Everyone's telling you to lay off the weed, and they're correct. But in all likelihood you're not going to just stop cold turkey. I would suggest cutting it down to maybe 2 joints a night? I find the effects of Marijuana are cumulative in a single sitting, i.e. the more you smoke, the more you want to smoke.

Your immediate problem is that you feel you've alienated your friends, and your ex-girlfriend. Because of this, you're trying to get some kind of handle on the problems you're having, problems which seem to be getting bigger and bigger because you have no vent for them.

You need to get back in contact with your friends, obviously the simplest way is to call them up and arrange something. Could you have a housewarming party or something?

Failing that, just start calling/texting everyone you know that you feel you've alienated. See if anyone's free for a pint, make an effort to respond to any invites you do get. OK, you can be aggressive and tight-lipped when your around friends because you're dealing with some stuff. But you have to be resolute, make the decision that you're going to apply yourself to being social. You'll find that when people see you making an effort they tend to reciprocate. Being out amongst friends in any situation will take the rpessure off you, and give you a break from your troubles which gives you a better perspective and allows you to get a grip on things.

I don't think there's an underlying "problem" with you. I think you have a lot of stuff to deal with, and you're complicating that by abusing the weed (which you think is hel;ping you to cope).

Cut back on the weed.
Make every effort to communicate with people, apologise if you feel its warranted for yuour behaviour. I'd be inclined to be hoenst with closer friends, tell them you're having a hard time, you'll be surprised at how much aptience they'll exercise.

And finally, find someone to talk to about your grief and the other issues you clearly have from your upbringing.

forestfruits

Why not try contacting the samaritans- free someone to talk to- advice and someone to listen to you! you dont have to call them they do an email service as well as letters and face to face check out the website

http://www.samaritans.org/

good luck and lay off the smoke- not good for a confused head