How to avoid the L-word

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a girl for about 9 months now. We get on pretty well - she's funny, pretty, intelligent, successful. Now I care about her and like her a lot but I don't love her. I'm not in love with her and I feel a bit weird about it.

I'm 30 and have only 1 previous serious relationships behind me. But with that one it was pretty full on from the word go and I fell in love with the girl very quickly. Had a conversation with a friend about that 'head over heels' thing and he said he always found that it built up for him - slowly slowly. So I thought with this girl that would happen - a slow build and fall in love. But I don't think it is.

Now though I can tell that she's building up to using the L-word. She's been dropping a lot of 'I love your eyes' or 'I love the way you do that' into conversation and putting emphasis on 'love'.

I'm afraid that she's going to tell me that she loves me and I won't know how to handle it. What can I say back? Obviously I'm not going to tell her I love her if I don't but I'm not sure what I can say.

Nevyn

Have a talk with her about what love means to you as a concept.
Seriously, use her dropping one of those lines to explain how the verb love is over used,
as in I love lamp, I love this song ect and the difference between feeling in love which is usually lust, interest, infatuation and the giddy glee of having someone new in your life and the effect of that and actually loving a person which takes imho knowing a person so that the declaration of I love you can be made.

Wibbs

Honestly. Don't waste her time. A good relationship should be based equality of feeling. You don't have that. Now this is no fault of yours, but it will become your fault if you drag this out just because you're getting something from it. It could be convenience, sex, companionship. You'll know yourself.

A good relationship is like two people on a see saw. For it to work well, both have to push off the ground at the right time. At the moment you've left her up in the air. That's no way to play when your 5 and it's now way to play when someone's heart and future is at stake.

It's not fair to you and its certainly not fair to her. Yes you'll hurt her if you walk, but I think by this stage she would have "grown" on you, so let her go.

I know that sounds drastic and I'm all for second tries and stuff, but if you don't love her and she loves you, then nip it in the bud now as you'll hurt her and hurt her chances of finding someone who will love her. It also stops you finding someone you'll love too.

What's the point of continuing something that's not good for either of you, even if she doesn't know it yet?

Nick_oliveri

Well said Thaed. I might dwell on that advice myself.

MJOR

You aren't in love and her depth of feeling is much deeper. Can you ever see yourself loving this woman? At 30 I would think that you'd be around long enough to know your true feelings? Maybe you're protecting your own feelings after the last time but I doubt it.

Beruthiel

BackingAway92 wrote: »

I've been seeing a girl for about 9 months now. We get on pretty well - she's funny, pretty, intelligent, successful. Now I care about her and like her a lot but I don't love her. I'm not in love with her and I feel a bit weird about it.

Can I ask, if you know you are not in love with her, why are you still in the relationship?

Had a conversation with a friend about that 'head over heels' thing and he said he always found that it built up for him - slowly slowly. So I thought with this girl that would happen - a slow build and fall in love. But I don't think it is.

To be honest, after nine months, something should have probably happened by now.
Do you think you are doing this girl any favours?
If she's mad about you, don't you think that she's hoping you feel the same towards her?
Do you think it fair to prevent her from finding someone who does feel the same for her?

Ask yourself some hard questions about why you are still with her after so long if you are not in love with her.
Is whatever feelings you have toward her enough?

I presume that she is around the same age as yourself? If she is, then marriage and babies could be coming into the conversation in the next couple of years, do you see yourself interested in that with her?

Talliesin

You can do the just-sex thing, the building-a-life-together thing, the seeing-where-it-goes thing, the mostly-friends-but-we-do-shag-each-other-sometimes thing, the mostly-just-like-each-others-company thing and a whole lot more.

What you can't do is doing one when the other person is doing another.

If you are on different pages, it's generally time to close the book.

Special K

Can I just say, it is only 9 months, or is the fact he's 30 and it's 9 months that makes it all the more serious? Yeah okay, so maybe he's not "in love" with her, but do we really know what being in love is or are we basing it on films and books and what we think it should be? In saying that, perhaps he's comparing it his last relationship. If you don't love her, and you think she's building her future with you then I'd do the decent thing and let her go. But are all relationships built with this intent of together foreverness [coined a new word!] ?? I don't know. I can hardly speak with my lack of relationships and all that. I get in these moods sometimes when I dunno what's right and wrong

MJOR

Well from my perspective i think you're a bit more in tune with your feelings in your late 20's.:cool:

celestial

Wibbs wrote: »

Honestly. Don't waste her time. A good relationship should be based equality of feeling. You don't have that. Now this is no fault of yours, but it will become your fault if you drag this out just because you're getting something from it. It could be convenience, sex, companionship. You'll know yourself.

A good relationship is like two people on a see saw. For it to work well, both have to push off the ground at the right time. At the moment you've left her up in the air. That's no way to play when your 5 and it's now way to play when someone's heart and future is at stake.

It's not fair to you and its certainly not fair to her. Yes you'll hurt her if you walk, but I think by this stage she would have "grown" on you, so let her go.

I know that sounds drastic and I'm all for second tries and stuff, but if you don't love her and she loves you, then nip it in the bud now as you'll hurt her and hurt her chances of finding someone who will love her. It also stops you finding someone you'll love too.

What's the point of continuing something that's not good for either of you, even if she doesn't know it yet?

Take this advice.

How Strange

Special K wrote: »

Can I just say, it is only 9 months, or is the fact he's 30 and it's 9 months that makes it all the more serious?

IMO, if you're trying to avoid a conversation about the L word i.e. you can't say the words I Love You to someone you've been seeing for 9 months then it speaks volumes.

The OP doesn't LOVE his gf and she is probably dying to say it to him but wants him to say it first.

The fact that he's ducking and diving the L word means this relationship is going nowhere.

Time to be honest and be the bad guy.