The Power of Attraction

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

My question is - How important is it to be attracted, both physically and mentally to your boy/girlfriend?

I just broke up with the most amazing guy because after 6 months, I just didn't feel that attracted to him.
When I initially met him at Christmas time I thought he was the funniest guy I'd ever met. He had me in stitches
all night. He asked me out for a drink and I said yes even though I didn't find him attractive. He is extremely
intelligent, generous, loving, ambitious, the works but I just didn't have any desire to rip his clothes off. My friends
met him and loved him, thought he was a great guy and really good looking. They couldn't understand my hesitation
when it came to fancying him.

Even having sex with him, while I enjoyed it, I didn't find him sexy as such. He grew on me a bit but not all that much.
Now that it's over, I'm wondering just how important attraction is. If somebody can be everything you've been looking
for, including good looking but you just aren't sexually attracted to them, can it grow on you or is it doomed to failure?
Alternatively, if someone is irresistibly attractive to you but a bit of a d*ck are you more likely to stay with them?
People seem to overlook all kinds of failings due to sexual attraction. I know people say looks fade but attraction isn't really about
looks. Sometimes we find the strangest people attractive. I have a thing for Jack Black for example even though he's ugly and overweight!

My ex is devastated over our break up and I'm wondering if I made a mistake. Can attraction grow or is it really that important to begin with?
Do you need to find your gf/bf sexy as hell for it to work? I'm feeling a bit shallow here but i don't know if this is hallowness or needing desire in my life..

Thanks for your opinions and sorry for rambling on

Wibbs

You could take the biology argument and say "attraction" and "the spark" is down to your body taking subconscious physical cues(pheromones, compatible immune system etc) and saying "I'm not that pushed and I'm really not sure I want to take the risk of having a kid with this guy". Your head and even your heart may look and say this guy is perfect, but your body doesn't want to know, or at least not that much.

IMHO this goes double for women. Men and women at a very basic level have subtly different reproductive strategies and as women get pregnant they have to be much more careful or at least have different criteria about selection. You see this when couples split up. If the guy dumps the woman, he may try to keep the sex thing going. A friends with benefits thing. whereas a woman who leaves a guy the sex usually stops as she's decided he isn't the one for her and again doesn't want to take a risk.

Women talk way more than guys about the spark and attraction and the one and all that stuff. You very rarely hear those words from men. In general of course.

I will say that even for me as a bloke I had one situation where the woman was gorgeous. Now I mean actually objectively beautiful, not just "cute". Major head turner. We ended up snogging and stuff and I felt nothing. I mean nada. I nearly got myself sectioned as she was pure gold in the looks dept and in personality. BUt somewhere in my head/body some neuron said nope and it had some reason to.

This could be why women will leave a guy that others think is perfect and end up going out with a complete tosser that treats them less than the "perfect guy". Her mind may say he's bad news but her body at a primitive level says play on.

I'd listen to your gut on this one. Yes attraction can build, but when it does it tends to stay. Yes attraction can fade in a long termer, but it can come back if it was there in the first place. In your case it was never there to the degree you need so you would be on a hiding to nothing. Funny enough you could meet the same guy 5 years down the line and because of changes in what you want then find him very attractive.

At the moment no.

All said I do talk some shíte though....

_blank_

Of course you have to be attracted to your OH.

Otherwise you're settling.

No-one should settle.

adastra

Hi OP,

I get where you are coming from. A few years ago I broke up with my boyfriend for the same reason. He was sweet, funny, generous, loving....he adored me, and we got on so well, we could sit and talk for hours about absolutely nothing. But I just didn't fancy him. I felt awful at the time for feeling that way. I felt like I was in a relationship with my best friend, or my brother, not my sexy, I-want-you-now boyfriend. I think you need to be attracted to the person you are with. Of course looks don't last forever, but to not have that attraction at the beginning of the relationship doesn't really bode well.

I think you did the right thing breaking up with your boyfriend. If you're like me you probably feel selfish and shallow, but at the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy. There are guys out there who are as nice as your ex is, but who you will also be attracted to. Its also not fair on him, if you 'settle' for him, but you really want something more from a relationship. Don't beat yourself up over it, you can't help how you feel!:)

LegacyUser

Thank you for that. That's exactly how I feel. I love him like a best mate but I'm not in love with him.
He took it really badly but he deserves to be with someone who adores him in every way and so do
I. Whenever I meet him, he looks me up and down and says 'Wow, I want you right now, you are so
sexy!!' and in my head I'd be thinking well, thank you but I don't want you right now, can't we just hang
out and have a laugh with no touching?. That's not fair on either of us. i want to have a guy that I look
at and think Wow, I want you. So, I'm alone again now but I think it's better to be alone for the right reasons
then with somebody for the wrong reasons.

Wibbs - Thank you for your insight. You always hit the nail on the head.

MJOR

I think that Wibbs is right... With women its so importatnt and you can't make yourself fancy the pants off him if you don't.

This type of break up is always hard on the other person becuase in their head there is nothing wrong.... no fights no arguements and things just drift along.

It's good to be honest with yourself though....

LegacyUser

Dam!

I'm in the same situation with my current girlfriend. I've been with her for the past 4 months and get on great with her but I just don't feel that attracted to her anymore. I didn't really from the start but thought it would change as we get on so well together.

I feel really guilty when we're having sex because I know I'm not doing it for the right reasons. I know I'm going to break her heart by breaking up with her and I keep putting it off.

LadyE

HungryNow wrote: »

Dam!

I'm in the same situation with my current girlfriend. I've been with her for the past 4 months and get on great with her but I just don't feel that attracted to her anymore. I didn't really from the start but thought it would change as we get on so well together.

I feel really guilty when we're having sex because I know I'm not doing it for the right reasons. I know I'm going to break her heart by breaking up with her and I keep putting it off.

The longer you leave it the harder it will be! You're not doing her, or yourself any favours holding off!

Maggie Simpson

LadyE wrote: »

The longer you leave it the harder it will be! You're not doing her, or yourself any favours holding off!

I couldn't agree more!

I sepnt 4 and a haf years in a relationship with someone who I loved very much but that sexual spark was never there between us the way it can be......we talked about it loads during those 4 and a half years, but in the end neither of us could change the fact that it wasn't there (or was only once in a blue moon) and we went our seperate ways.

Don't waste your precious time/anyone else's if it doesn't feel right.

Latchy

The problem ( for want of a better word ) with some people and i am not refering to OP, is that when it comes to dating /boy/girlfriend relationships ,they are looking for perfection or measuring up to what last boy/girlfriend was like physically ,looks, inteligence etc .It will always be that some have physical attractions that stand out which makes it easier to attract the oppisite sex ,and the person who is attracted to you might feel that he /she has to work harder to gain your attention and affections .

In my own expierence as a younger single guy dating ,i regret very much not just liking some of the girls i dated for who they were as opposed to 'will she look good on my arm ' sort of mentality which is indeed a very shallow outlook to have ,but i put that down to imatruity at time and common amoung a lot of my peers in ireland .Like OP i found myself in situations were a girl liked me for me, physicaly etc but i was to blind to see that at time and without sounding concieted i hurt a few along the way , but also had my fair share of hurt to .I do know of relationships which were based on simply a guy having a good looking girl on his arm as a social status thing as opposed to liking the girl for her inteligence as a human being etc .

They say love is blind and sorry if i have drifted off topic a bit but to those great girls who i let pass by my fingers when it could have being different .You wont see this but excuse my shallowness, i was only a boy at the time who didnt know any better then .

LegacyUser

well, i think if someone meets your emotional, intellectual ,social and spiritual needs then you are automatically attracted to them physically

Talliesin

If you have a period of just not feeling attracted to someone it could be a symptom of something else going on with either just you or between the two of you, and could rectify if that issue is dealt with.

If it's just not there at all, it's just not there.

IanCurtis

I went out with a girl for 4 years who was fantastic, but I wasn't particularly attracted to physically.

It's gotta be there, even if only at the start.

You never forget the sex....that might sound crude, but it's true...for me anyways.

You owe it to them and to yourself.

LegacyUser

I've decided that I have to break up with her tonight. I told her that I would call later to arrange a time for her to call over. I think that I may have let her know something is up because I'd normally just say "pop over whenever you want."

My problem is how to break it to her, I don't want to say "I don't fancy you enough" and I'm worried I may say something by mistake that will hurt her even more.

We've never had any problems in our short 4 months together so this will be like a bolt out of the blue to her but as what has been said before "I'm not doing us any favours by staying together."

I am not looking forward to this one bit any ideas??

Maggie Simpson

Okay - a small matter but don't get her to call over to you so that you can break up with her & then send her on her way. Either go to hers, or meet for a coffee/walk.

As for what you say - be honest. I wouldn't advise saying that you don't fancy her but maybe something like you don't feel like there's a major spark between you.......much the same thing but you're not blaming her for it or making her feel unattractive.

WilmaRidesAgain

HungryNow wrote: »

I've decided that I have to break up with her tonight. I told her that I would call later to arrange a time for her to call over. I think that I may have let her know something is up because I'd normally just say "pop over whenever you want."

My problem is how to break it to her, I don't want to say "I don't fancy you enough" and I'm worried I may say something by mistake that will hurt her even more.

We've never had any problems in our short 4 months together so this will be like a bolt out of the blue to her but as what has been said before "I'm not doing us any favours by staying together."

I am not looking forward to this one bit any ideas??

Oh dearie, dearie....this is a tough one....Im normally quite militant in favour of honesty, but in this case possibly a white lie might be in order....

Whatever you do dont use the "its not you its me" and "i need space" and all that cos she will not react well to that.

Hmm, just say something near to the truth like, although we have had "no problems" I am not feeling that I am going to fall in love with you and I dont think its fair for either us to continue because I am looking for the love of my life...
or something like that....

She might say "can we not continue and see what happens, we might love each other in time...."

You've gotta be firm here and say "no, I dont want to"

Avoid saying things like "its not fair on you" etc as she will likely counter with "I dont mind, please give it x more weeks" etc

You've gotta stick to near the truth without explicitly stating you dont fancy her!

LegacyUser

Maggie Simpson wrote: »

Okay - a small matter but don't get her to call over to you so that you can break up with her & then send her on her way. Either go to hers, or meet for a coffee/walk.

She only lives down the road and I can't go over to her place as she lives with her parents and there's no privacy there. I was thinking of calling her and asking her to met as we need "to talk". At least that way she'll know somethings up

LegacyUser

WilmaRidesAgain wrote: »

Oh dearie, dearie....this is a tough one....Im normally quite militant in favour of honesty, but in this case possibly a white lie might be in order....

Whatever you do dont use the "its not you its me" and "i need space" and all that cos she will not react well to that.

Hmm, just say something near to the truth like, although we have had "no problems" I am not feeling that I am going to fall in love with you and I dont think its fair for either us to continue because I am looking for the love of my life...
or something like that....

She might say "can we not continue and see what happens, we might love each other in time...."

You've gotta be firm here and say "no, I dont want to"

Avoid saying things like "its not fair on you" etc as she will likely counter with "I dont mind, please give it x more weeks" etc

You've gotta stick to near the truth without explicitly stating you dont fancy her!

Thanks, I'm going to be as honest as I can and tell her the truth as best as I can without saying I don't fancy her. Oh dear today is going by so quickly. I have that sick feeling in my stomach. I've got to do this today

SnowMonkey

hey Op nothing wrong with what you have done at all...

If you dont find them attractive its a pretty big thing like all these people who say oh beauty is skin deep yes but attraction gets your hormones fireing your heart pumping your nerves all tingaly you feel ilike your being electicuted etc etc.

If you dont get that well, then it kinda defeats the purpose of haveing a partner and feels more like a sister in my case or a girl i grew up with..

But then again i bumped intoa girl who i hadnt seen in 9 years and I used to go to school with this girl live next door and she was allways a pretty and now she's superaligable shes got a good job shes confident and i was like super attracted to her still am in a weird way as well she lived next door to me....

chalad07

Of course you have to be attracted to your OH.

Otherwise you're settling.

No-one should settle.

Des - You're def right, no would should settle. But sometimes you might miss the boat with a great person, cause you don’t want to settle, just because you're not feeling it at the start. And a lot of times relationships that aren’t tip-top at the start, can develop into a great thing,

It's a difficult balance to get right,

lilly07

Maybe I am being superfischal (yea not the greatest speller)but I think that being attracted to your OH is very important

I have been with my partner for 6 yrs and still look at him and think 'u are so sexy' and would absolutely hate to think that he is not attracted to me but is happy to stay with me as he does love me

LegacyUser

Hi,

I thought I would post an update just to let you know how it went last night.

I rang her and told her we needed to talk and if we could meet up. She decided it would be best to meet at my place. We had a good chat about the relationship and she said she had got the feeling some thing was not right.

She did say she was upset but she knew it was not her fault or mine and it is better not to drag things out.

I do feel upset because she was such a nice girl, we never had any problems or arguments and we did have good times together but unfortunatly that is not enough to keep a relationship going if your hearts not there.

I do hope she mets someone really nice some day and they love her as much as she deserves.

Thanks to everyone who posted good advice.