Help ! trying to fix an almighty mess n myself !

LegacyUser

Right !!

Have had self esteem issues for years (26yr old male by the way). Rooted with mad childhood stuff n really hard to shake. Been to counselling on and off and it has and hasnt helped. Had a great girlfriend for years that helped and didnt at the same time. Support but maybe became i dependent on her to feel happy with myself.

One thing I drifted into was recreational drugs n booze to get along socially, found that anxiety and problems all disappeared once wired or drunk, could be myself free of low self esteem.

Was doing fine, off drugs etc then broke up with the missus was back out socially doing drugs again (pills, coke, K). and suddenly met somebody again a few weeks later. It was completely casual but I lost it with the whole situation. Had a meltdown and went OTT in my head. Combo of old insecurities, family problems, the breakup and the drugs

Sent 10 page emails to the new missus coming down off stuff during the days after a big weekend..... detailing every last insecurity I had and over analysing every situation we'd been in together and how it had all gone wrong at diff points or how it hadnt went the way it should have to the point of borderline insanity..............when in fact things had been fine. Any normal person would have been delighted with how we were getting on.

Obviously whole thing was a write off, but this great girl had a whole load of her own stuff to deal with and I upset her and blew her mind with how f@#ked up I turned out to be when things were just cool and it was the last thing she needed. I feel like a complete a#@hole for landing all that on her.

Its been a kick up the a#@e, i hit rock bottom with myself, nearly did myself in the other night....... so tired of myself n just down....... but copped on !! not a way out !!! and I dont think too straight obviously coming down off the weekends..... heads clearing and I am motivated more now than i have ever been to put all demons to rest, sort myself out. Stop the cycle i've been caught up in. Stop doing what I have been and face things.....sober too.

She has had her fill of me, my crazy out of the blue intensity n stuff. Completely understandable, I'd run a mile if a girl did the same thing to me. Contact has been cut.

But I feel like I owe her an apology, I said sorry already but I feel like I should make amends for turning out to be such a nutcase when it was the last thing she needed...... but I dont know how ? Its like I'm all set to sort myself out but I messed this lovely persons head up in the process to get here and I can't shake that feeling.

What do you guys think ?

LegacyUser

AlloverDshop wrote: »

Have had self esteem issues for years (26yr old male by the way). Rooted with mad childhood stuff n really hard to shake. Been to counselling on and off and it has and hasnt helped. ....
One thing I drifted into was recreational drugs n booze to get along socially, found that anxiety and problems all disappeared once wired or drunk, could be myself free of low self esteem.
....
Sent 10 page emails to the new missus coming down off stuff during the days after a big weekend.....
Obviously whole thing was a write off, but this great girl had a whole load of her own stuff to deal with and I upset her and blew her mind with how f@#ked up I turned out to be when things were just cool and it was the last thing she needed.....

But I feel like I owe her an apology,

Apologise again, say it won't happen again, go get helpful counselling - try CBT.

And don't do it again!


We've all messed up with people we liked.

Wurly

Ok mate, firstly. Will you please cut yourself some slack. You weren't trying to be an ass by saying the stuff you said.

Look, the email is sent now. Its done! If you wanna apologise again, leave it a while to calm down. Give her a bit of space after the 10 pager.

You've been through a lot and its easy to get overwhelmed. So please don't think you're some unfixable f*ck up. How long ago is it since you've had counselling? How long for?

Would you consider going to see someone else?

Also, you haven't mentioned much about your life outside of this girl and the email. Do you do many activities? Do you have good friends in your life?

tinkletoes

Firstly stop beating yourself up about it. You sent the e-mail, realised it was a mistake and apologised to her. It's in the past you can not do anything more about it. Stop dwelling on it and move on for your own sake. You need to concentrate on getting yourself better now.

karen3212

Hi OP,

If you have already apologised then I think your ex will understand that you were having a terrible time.

I think it is best to forgive yourself for making an error, but honestly I don't think she will be all messed up because of an email you sent about your relationship.

I definately think though you should let her deal with her own issues for now, if you keep contacting her, it might only make things harder for her.

I also think it might be worth considering counselling again.

Goodluck and I hope you manage to feel better soon.

Nevyn

Leave her alone and go sort yourself out.
IF you really have freaked her to that extent getting in touch may freak her out more.

johndaman66

Agree with what all the other posters are saying to you Alloverdshop. Think if you try making contact with that girl again presently you are only going to exasberate the whole situation. Leave well all be for the moment there I would say. Think if I were you my priority would be to sort my life out somewhat at the moment when you are thinking somewhat straight. Drink and heavy drugs such as your taking are only a downward spiral . Some sort of counselling may be the best if only option I think. Even though last time round you say counselling done nothing for you there are some very good ones out there I believe. When that issue is in check it may then be best to tackle the self esteem issues through counselling also.

Regarding contacting that girl to make amends I would defiantely leave it until them issues are somewhat resolved as presently you will do more harm than good getting in contact with her again.

Best of luck with everything.

WilmaRidesAgain

Definitely leave it, sometimes less is more, especially when the mess has resulted from drugs/drink etc.

Your natural human compulsion is to try to "fix" things but you will find if you continue with caning it, these types of messes are not fixable.

Its going to be about damage limitation unfortunately. You have apologised, dont pick the wound back open by trying to turn the clock back.

"But I feel like I owe her an apology, I said sorry already but I feel like I should make amends for turning out to be such a nutcase when it was the last thing she needed...... but I dont know how ? Its like I'm all set to sort myself out but I messed this lovely persons head up in the process to get here and I can't shake that feeling"

That is commendable in that your motive is in the greater part about her rather than yourself, however dont fall into the recovery trap by becoming too over zealous in trying to be ultra moral and fix everything perfectly becuase unfortunately you cant.

The best thing you can do for her and for you is to work on yourself and try to create a new sincere healthy life for yourself and realise although booze, coke, k and the rest starts off as "recreational" where it goes is far from that in the end, if it does go out of control this mess will look like a walk in the park, so be careful and be aware.

LegacyUser

Thanks folks !!

All your replies all make sense. Best to leave completely it and move on. Focus on myself. Long overdue, didn't realise how long until all this happened.

I can learn from it at least, and I know every time I think about getting in a mess these days this / she';; be a harsh reminder of how bad I got that I won't forget.

She was so sound n goregous blew my mind.........literally was prob too much for me to handle. Or maybe I just built it up like that, I dont know. Either way its gone. And damage done.

Age old thing isnt it ? You cant be happy with anybody else until you're completely happy with yourself

Ce la vie !

As I said its the root up the hole that I needed.

Counselling and CBT.........had some really good counsellors but none of it has ever really stuck. They all made sense but never really changed anything, I dont know why that was.

First thing I suppose is no more booze n stuff. Get sober n take it from there.

MJOR

As well as that you have to definately think and see what triggers these emotions.

Seek professional advice as i find it difficult to believe that you will skip off down the road because of one or two replies...

Maybe i am a cynical old hag but...