Major Trust Issues

katie08

I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half and during this time on many occasions i have become jealous & irrational because he meets up with his ex girlfriend (who he slept with once & considers a friend). So now whenever he gets a text msg or is writing one or is checking his email or writing emails he wont tell me who its from or who he is talking to & says until I stop being insecure

But he doesnt understand that by hiding who hes speaking to from me it makes me wonder & curious as to why cant he tell me? who is he talking to? and makes me feel not as close to him anymore.

I was cheated on by my first two serious boyfriends (once when i was 13 and again when i was 18, im 21 now) and its emgerging that i have serious insecurity issues, my boyfriend reminds me of that all the time I just dont know what to do, part of me thinks im not going to be able to have a relationship if i cant give my boyfriend (who was cheated on as well but has got over it!) ive ever met benefit of the doubt

dr.bollocko

You are gonna have to let go of being cheated on when you were 13 anyway.
And ok, 18, thats a bit more adult, but I reckon you both might be better off for not being in the relationship.
Either give the guy his space, or if you really dont trust him, end it.
Suspicion is a precursor to betrayal.

_blank_

You need to know who he is texting and emailing EVERY time he does it?

This is very weird behaviour, imo, and he won't put up with it for much longer.

Do you tell him about every text message and email you send and receive?

I would hate to be in a relationship with anyone who was constantly asking me who I'm emailing or texting because they think I might be cheating. Imagine how that makes HIM feel.

MJOR

I never ask my guy those questions..... Don't be haunted by your past and let it dictate your future views of relationships

katie08

Thanks for all answers so far. I told my boyfriend i want to respect his privacy & im sorry for being so weird but he said he doesnt know anymore cause we've had this kinda thing happen so many times before, hes not saying we will break up but i dont think he believes i will learn this time.

My immediate family live the other side of the world so im pretty much alone here & ive lived together with my boyfriend and have spent so much time together the last year and a half that i am sick to my stomach thinking of what i will do now, i feel so alone & very sad.

LadyE

Do you trust your boyfriend?? I mean deep down trust him??? Why is it so important to know? The guy is allowed a life outside of you!!!

You cant have a "serious" relationship at 13, so I would forget about being cheated there..and not all men are the same!

You're not really respecting his privacy but wanting to know who he is texting/emailing!

Do you think you will learn by this..or will you hold your tongue and not ask him but be eaten away inside?

You really need to get out of the mentality that men are cheaters...because they arnt! There is actually some good guys out there!!!

You cant carry on your life like this...because every relationship you have will always form in the same pattern!

paperclip2

katie08 wrote: »

My immediate family live the other side of the world so im pretty much alone here & ive lived together with my boyfriend and have spent so much time together the last year and a half that i am sick to my stomach thinking of what i will do now, i feel so alone & very sad.

Maybe you could try to get out a bit more, make friends and develop interests seperate from your bf cos it sounds like you need to extend your support network a bit. Your BF could be feeling a bit claustraphobic if he's been your only close emotional connection for the past 18 months. You'll feel better if you extend the ole friendzone.
Also exercise is a great way to boost your mood, and I say this as a confirmed couch potato. Go for a walk, a swim or a run, sign up for aerobics classes I guarentee you will feel better about things.

LegacyUser

katie08 wrote: »

I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half and during this time on many occasions i have become jealous & irrational because he meets up with his ex girlfriend (who he slept with once & considers a friend).

Katie can you clarify please? What do you mean, he only slept with her once. Do you mean once before he met you, while she was his girlfriend, or do you mean that he met with her and slept with her once since he's hooked up with you? That would be my concern here...
If it's the latter I'd get rid of him obviously, but I think you mean the former and that he only slept with her once a a brief girlfriend thing then they became friends? Going on that assumption I would say take your time here, and what others have said, definitely develop some of your own interests too. I know it seems hard and you may feel clingy towards him because your family are miles away but it'll toughen you up no end.

However, I don't agree with him constantly texting or emailing people and deliberately not telling you. To a degree it sounds like he's "punishing" yuo for your suspicions initially and now it's a licence for him to do whatever he likes. But if I was you I'd ignore it for a little bit no matter how hard it is to do that, start developing your own life, and see how it goes from there. Part of a partner's job is reassuring you that you're their number one, and that involves a degree of exclusivity he doesn't seem willing to give you by the constant flaunting of communications he is not willing to let you be any part of at all, so I'd be careful, but let up for a little while and do your thing (not in a punishing way to him, in a way that you really do it for yuorself)and see what happens then. If he doesn't start having respect for you once you've established that you have it for him through your actions, I'd be out of there. Good luck girl.

Dragan

Clarify? wrote: »

However, I don't agree with him constantly texting or emailing people and deliberately not telling you.

I find that very hard to agree with.

OP, could you please clear up for us whether your current fella has cheated on you please? The wording is slightly confusing and i'll hold on offering advice until i know the story!

LegacyUser

katie08 wrote: »

So now whenever he gets a text msg or is writing one or is checking his email or writing emails he wont tell me who its from or who he is talking to & says until I stop being insecure

But he doesnt understand that by hiding who hes speaking to from me it makes me wonder & curious as to why cant he tell me? who is he talking to? and makes me feel not as close to him anymore.

I:(

Dragan do you find it hard to agree with me disliking his actions, or that he actually does it? Sorry I'm confused with your statement there and just wondered. The Op says, as quoted above that this is what he does. If it were my boyfriend doing that, yes I would be offended, because we're both very open about who we interect with in each others lives, because we like sharing. Not sharing is excluding and feels isolating in a very hurtful (and can be so subtly done) way. It doesn't mean he tells me every single time his phone beeps or indeed that I ever ask him, the information is volunteered, but it does mean that eight times out of ten he will, and vice versa, but we never had trust issues to begin with thank God and we never asked each other for the information we naturally just give it. That was my point. but you are enititled to disagree with it too.

_blank_

Clarify? wrote: »

However, I don't agree with him constantly texting or emailing people and deliberately not telling you. To a degree it sounds like he's "punishing" yuo for your suspicions initially and now it's a licence for him to do whatever he likes.

Er what?

It sounds to me like he's acting like a normal human being tbh.

Replying to texts and emails. What is wrong with that?

Punishment? Like he can control when he gets text messages? Get a grip will you.

Jesus, if my OH started asking me who I was texting every time I sent a text she'd be told where to go in no uncertain terms.

Almost everyone has been cheated on at one stage or another, but most get over it and don't start treating every partner as if they are going to do it to us, if we did, the human race would be f*cked tbh.

I don't think the current bf cheated on the OP by the way

katie08

Dragan wrote: »

I find that very hard to agree with.

OP, could you please clear up for us whether your current fella has cheated on you please? The wording is slightly confusing and i'll hold on offering advice until i know the story!

To answer your question, no my boyfriend has not cheated on me. He slept with the ex girlfriend/friend one time a few months before he met me.

LegacyUser

DesF wrote: »

Er what?

It sounds to me like he's acting like a normal human being tbh.

Replying to texts and emails. What is wrong with that?

Punishment? Like he can control when he gets text messages? Get a grip will you.

My grip is fine Des thanks. You are looking at it from the point of view that the texts / emails are coming in, and he's answering them innocently and busily and that the OP's on his back like a monkey and that he has no private time or space to himself and that everyone deserves their own life too...am I right about that Des? just checking before I presume too much and tell you to cop on to yourself...:)

I was looking at it from the point of view that OP may be on receiving end of behaviour that can be classed as passive manipulation, whereby he knows the girl is feeling vulnerable, is sharing a life with him that is leaving her open to needing him a bit more and maybe a bit more access to his friends etc because her family are not here, and that she may just need to be included in stuff a little more and to make her feel wanted and loved.

You're presuming that the OP has plagerised him and made huge demands that he tell her who he's texting or emailing but I didn't interpret it that way at all. I wouldn't demand of anyone they tell me who they're texting or emailing or put up with similar demands myself so I think you are barking up the wrong tree by telling me to get a grip. Different perspectives methinks. I didn't get from the OP's original post that she constantly made demands of him, I got the impression she asked him once and from then on he deliberately has "locked" her out of any info re his texts / emails, which as far as I'm concerned is potentially damaging to a relationship and will only serve to beat the ladies ego down lower than she already needs. That was my point.

But seriously Des, who just texted you?....TELL ME... JOKE !

Dragan

katie08 wrote: »

To answer your question, no my boyfriend has not cheated on me. He slept with the ex girlfriend/friend one time a few months before he met me.

In that case I honestly don't think you have a leg to stand on. This will sound really harsh but your going to cost yourself a boyfriend, plain and simple. I'm a very easy going guy but a girlfriend who clearly didn't trust me would drive me nuts.

I can completely understand him not telling you who he is texting and emailing. Why should he? The problem lies in your lack of trust, not anything that he has done, and constantly feeling like he needs to justify himself to you will eventually drive him cracked.

Plain and simple. You need to realise that your boyfriend is not your EX BOYFRIENDS, if you want to have a relationship with someone then you have to trust them. Running the risk of hurt is just part and parcel of being in a relationship. The whole point is that you are putting a lot of trust in them, and vice versa, and you both agree to give the other person no reason to doubt that.

The simple fact for me is, if it turned out that a girl I was seeing didn't trust me to that degree, then I wouldn't be seeing her for very long….especially when the reason she didn't trust me had nothing to do with me.

katie08

I think i already have lost him. I can understand how frustrating it must be for him, i feel so stupid & wish i could take back the silly way i acted but at the time it felt like a compulsion to act that way if that makes any sense? I love him with all my heart & ive messed it all up I feel like crying

_blank_

katie08 wrote: »

I think i already have lost him. I can understand how frustrating it must be for him, i feel so stupid & wish i could take back the silly way i acted but at the time it felt like a compulsion to act that way if that makes any sense? I love him with all my heart & ive messed it all up I feel like crying

Talk to him.

MJOR

All is not lost. Sit him down and explain how you feel and why. Make a concious effort to improve and maybe he will reconsider.

Prior to this you have put no trust in him.

Dragan

Desf and MJOR are right on the money. Sit him down and talk to him, let him know you feel sorry for not trusting him and will do your best to work over the issues that you have from past relationships.

I'm sure he will be understanding, but you NEED to make that positive change, even in small ways, pretty soon.

Things will be fine, communication is key.:)

Dragan

Clarify? wrote: »

Dragan do you find it hard to agree with me disliking his actions, or that he actually does it? Sorry I'm confused with your statement there and just wondered. The Op says, as quoted above that this is what he does. If it were my boyfriend doing that, yes I would be offended, because we're both very open about who we interect with in each others lives, because we like sharing. Not sharing is excluding and feels isolating in a very hurtful (and can be so subtly done) way. It doesn't mean he tells me every single time his phone beeps or indeed that I ever ask him, the information is volunteered, but it does mean that eight times out of ten he will, and vice versa, but we never had trust issues to begin with thank God and we never asked each other for the information we naturally just give it. That was my point. but you are enititled to disagree with it too.

I'm all about being open and honest in a relationship….but you cannot force your way in with a crowbar, especially when you have given someone the idea that you do not trust them.

I find it very hard to take the same meaning as your from the OP, that the boyfriend is "flaunting" the texts in front of her. When you get a text do you turn to your boyfriend and say "I just got a text from Luke, it says blah blah blah" and does he do the same? I dount it somehow.

I imagine, and I may be wrong, that the OP is ASKING who has sent him a text and when you have already made your partner feel that you do not trust them then this will be a killer question. Why do they need to know? The only connection can be the lack of trust.

I don't think the boyfriend has done anything to give the OP cause to not trust him, except for being friends with a girl he went out with before he ever knew the OP.

Shame on him.

paperclip2

MJOR wrote: »

All is not lost. Sit him down and explain how you feel and why. Make a concious effort to improve and maybe he will reconsider.

Prior to this you have put no trust in him.

As has been said already make it clear to him that this has been a real wake-up call to you about your lack of trust and let him know why and how you will change. And you really have to follow through on it. No more Pavlovian responses when he gets a text message, leave the room if you have to. Also you may have to give him a bit of time and space so he can see you are serious about changing. This means he might come across as being a bit distant with you till he sees you mean business but you may have to put up with this for a time.
Good luck Katie!

katie08

I said i was sorry to him by email & text this morning & his response was "You've realised your sorry 20 times before, thats what i dont understand, I cant keep giving you another chance"

_blank_

How many "chances" has he given you?

I mean if it's five, six, seven it may be too late, unfortunately.

If that IS the case, well then, chalk it up. You'll find someone else, maybe not today or tomorrow, or next week, but there will be someone else.

When you do, remember this thread.

LegacyUser

Dragan wrote: »

I'm all about being open and honest in a relationship….but you cannot force your way in with a crowbar, especially when you have given someone the idea that you do not trust them.

I find it very hard to take the same meaning as your from the OP, that the boyfriend is "flaunting" the texts in front of her. When you get a text do you turn to your boyfriend and say "I just got a text from Luke, it says blah blah blah" and does he do the same? I dount it somehow.

.

My bad. I took it up wrong and read it all a little too fast. It was conflicting interpretations... and I interpreted it wrong. I thought he was making a bad situation worse by going out of his way to antagonise an already sensitive issue with the OP but seemingly not, so was coming from wrong end of things. By no means was I advocating the need for anyone, male or female, to have their messages vetted by their partner. OP I hope you work things out, it sounds like you were feeling insecure and got lost in it all but you sound like a good person and maybe in time he'll forgive you and realise you are willing to calm down about it. Best of luck. Dragan and DesF my apologies for muddying the thread as an unreg visitor.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Not sure if this makes sense but my husband was cheated on a long time before i met him. Now I too have cheated on bf's in the past. But I am not insecure about it as I know in my heart of hearts my H would never cheat on me. I was in contact with an ex for a while and still am occassionally but because I knew my H had a trust issue which I gave him no reason to I got very defensive and almost secretative about calls and text from my ex. Tbh this really resulted in a major row. He says he believes we are just good friends but I wonder???

I am beginning to believe that ex's should not be in contact with eachother as it is not a normal friendship if you have been intimate. You really should trust your gut instincts.

MJOR

He might respond better in person arrnage to meet to talk.... Emailing is not a good form of communicating if you are on bad terms

Overheal

katie08 wrote: »

I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half and during this time on many occasions i have become jealous & irrational because he meets up with his ex girlfriend (who he slept with once & considers a friend).

How did you find out about that? Did he tell you, open and honestly? Or did you have to play the Spy Game?

But he doesnt understand that by hiding who hes speaking to from me it makes me wonder & curious as to why cant he tell me? who is he talking to? and makes me feel not as close to him anymore.

This is why I ask: because if he showed trust to you by telling you he is hanging out with his friend, and then you don't reciprocate that trust, why should he continue to invest trust in you?

I was cheated on by my first two serious boyfriends (once when i was 13 and again when i was 18, im 21 now) and its emgerging that i have serious insecurity issues, my boyfriend reminds me of that all the time I just dont know what to do, part of me thinks im not going to be able to have a relationship if i cant give my boyfriend (who was cheated on as well but has got over it!) ive ever met benefit of the doubt

Well, as others have said you have to forgive and forget what happened when you were 13. I might be wrong, but you probably carried that insecurity over into your next relationship - which is why it probably failed?

You gotta give to get.

katie08

*****UPDATE******

Thanks for everyones advice so far... heres some more thoughts ive been having..

I feel like whenever he gets a text or email that i have looked at over his shoulder at or looked at myself etc it is always innocent & i told my friend about this when asking for advice & she asked then why do i keep looking?! answer to that is in my messed up head i think maybe next time the email etc wont be so innocent.... its just so silly i know!!

I want to trust him so much, and he believes that i do want to do that but sometimes my irrational fears/ lack of trust get the better of me.. how can I get over this for good? How can I fully trust? How do I build up trust? I just dont know

MJOR

On some level speaking from experience you have to meet the right person, someone that'll understand you, love you and help to nurture your trust.

Not everyone will take on a "project" like this however so I think realising your self worth will go a long way.

Little mental exercises will help too.... learn to love yourself more and put faith in your attractiveness, lovliness and general fabness!
the rest will follw katie

vandermeyde

katie08 wrote: »

*****UPDATE******

Thanks for everyones advice so far... heres some more thoughts ive been having..

I feel like whenever he gets a text or email that i have looked at over his shoulder at or looked at myself etc it is always innocent & i told my friend about this when asking for advice & she asked then why do i keep looking?! answer to that is in my messed up head i think maybe next time the email etc wont be so innocent.... its just so silly i know!!

I want to trust him so much, and he believes that i do want to do that but sometimes my irrational fears/ lack of trust get the better of me.. how can I get over this for good? How can I fully trust? How do I build up trust? I just dont know

You need to deal with your own insecurities and fears, once you've got over them you'll be in a position to give yourself to someone else. If you keep saying "sorry" and doing the same thing over and over well then you're just not dealing with the underlying issue. There's only so many times you can say sorry before it starts to sound insincere, especially if the underlying behaviour is not changing.

It's not your boyfriends fault that other people have cheated on you in the past and you can't keep punishing him for something that he hasn't done.

katie08

vandermeyde wrote: »

You need to deal with your own insecurities and fears, once you've got over them you'll be in a position to give yourself to someone else.

I 100% understand that but how do I deal with them? how do i get over this?

vandermeyde

katie08 wrote: »

I 100% understand that but how do I deal with them? how do i get over this?

Ultimately, Its up to you to answer that

If you feel yourself thinking about trust issues, try to distract yourself by thinking about something positive, count to ten, let the moment pass...same with the texts/emails, when you get that compulsion to ask about them or look over his shoulder, bite your tongue, turn away, focus on something else.

Everyone has insecurities, unfortunately they can't be just turned off at will, it's hardwork to get over them, but you'll never be in a position to move on with your life if you don't.

Think of it like giving up smoking, today is day 1. You'll still get that craving but it'll eventually go away with some perseverance and hard work.

katie08

Thank you I will take today as day 1 & move forwards from here, I am going to try & say in my head "stop" everytime i get silly thoughts & follow ur advice...

Everyone pls feel free to leave more advice on how i can get over this too..

Dragan

Your trust is based on fear and by and large fear will be an illogical thing.

When you feel it rising up inside you just ask yourself "Why am i feeling this?", take stock of the situation and try and think logically about what is happening and why you feel bad. Dismantle it in your mind and you will find there is no REAL basis for those feelings.

Worked for me!