Torn between two

LegacyUser

Right basically, I broke up with a girl about 4 years ago. We were seeing each other for almost 3 years before that. I was head over heals in love with this girl, and her with me. We broke up for various reasons, she was going to be moving to another part of the country to study, and I was very upset about this. I also had issues with feeling like I wasn't good enough for her (her family being fairly well off, and me being from the "wrong side of the tracks" kinda thing), anyways I was devastated when she ended it with me.

We just about kept in contact with each other over the following years. A couple of texts at birthdays/Christmas, but it was always very formal if you know what I mean, like neither of us wanted to get into our past.

Fast forward to present day. I've been seeing a gorgeous girl for about a year and a half now. We're buying a house together (just weeks away from signing contracts), and all is good. But then I go and send a text to the ex I mentioned previously, purely by accident (really!). She replies pointing out my mistake, and we kinda start to chat. Only this time it's different. We seem to be chatting kinda the way we used to all those years ago, and eventually she asks me if I'd meet up with her for a coffee next time she's in town.

So, that next time was this Sunday just gone. I met her, she looked amazing, hadn't changed a bit. We chatted, it was a bit awkward but we had a few laughs. We then had a very awkward hug and parted ways. We were texting each other afterwords and agreed that the hug was awkward because if felt so familiar that it nearly could've become more than just a hug.

We've texted constantly since then and I rang her tonight and we chatted for almost two hours, the chemistry was great, almost like we'd never been apart. I'm getting a vibe off of her, like she might interested in us trying again.

This is where the problem is. I have a girlfriend, whom I love. She's gorgeous, intelligent, kind and fun. She treats me so well, and not being from Ireland, is willing to spend the rest of her life in this country and go against her parents wishes just for me. But over that last few weeks, I've found myself constantly thinking about my ex. I can't explain in words how much in love I was, and maybe still am with this girl, I've never experienced the kind of chemistry I have with her with any other girl, not even my current girlfriend comes close I feel.

Question is, what the hell do I do now? Do I stay the course with my girlfriend and settle down with someone who I'm now not sure (through no fault of her own) I should be with? Or, do I take a chance on trying to rekindle things with my ex?

Nevyn

If you are torn between them then neither of them is right for you.
Leave them both and start looking again.

LegacyUser

^ poster above has clearly watched too many chick-flicks

Serious advice which you'll ultimately ignore: NEVER go back. We always trick ourselves into thinking that it'll be better the second time... older, wiser, learnt from the mistakes ye made before etc.

But it won't be, 9 times out of 10 these things end up exactly like the first time and you'll be kicking yourself that you ditched your current girl.

But, like I said, you'll almost certainly ignore this advice in the hope that you'll be that 1 in 10!

Just make sure to come back after it goes pear-shaped so I can say I told you so.

hussey

Grass is always greener ...
Just because it is great for a few hours doesn't mean it will be good enough to live/buy a house with etc etc .. you broke up for a reason remember

Personally I think you yourself should decide this one.

marti101

I think you are playing with fire.Does your gf know you met your ex,cause if she doesnt know and finds out you maybe the one for the high jump.Can you postpone the house for a couple of months and think things through properly.Did your ex know bout your gf when you texted her because she could be jealous .She only wants you because have a gf if you dumped her she might lose interest.I dont know what the answer is but good luck with whatever you decide.

Memnoch

Sounds a lot like greedy man syndrome, unless I'm misunderstanding your definition of "love."

I also notice that your first observations about either girl is their looks. You met up with your ex and she looked "amazing." Sounds a lot like you've forgotten about all the things that caused your initial separation but her looks reminded you of why you got together in the first place.

Make a decision, but don't mess these two women about.

Overheal

I think at that late in the game, going back sounds a lot like regret?

You have to consider: that say, you dump your current and jump in with your ex: its just going to be a rebound; and carry all the classic characteristics of rebound along with it. It won't last. And, it will probably end up in tears. That scenario would be fair to no one. Personally, I wouldn't consider it.

And like you say, she's just 'in town'. You would still have to overcome the real life barriers.

Ultimately however you have to really get to heart and try and figure out if you still have feelings for this girl - which from your post is a resounding Yes. So thats not fair to your girlfriend, but like I said, going back to your ex is going to become a rebound for you: you will get into that relationship and will still have feelings for your (now) girlfriend.

I think you gotta shelf the idea. Maybe if conditions are right later down the road when youve both been single for a while you can try a new relationship, but now isnt a good time for you from the sound of things. Getting into one now will just lead to more issues I fear. Let your current relationship run its natural course or else like your last one, you'll begin to wonder about it later in life.

Loomis

Things end for a reason. As someone already said 9 times out of 10 it won't work going back to a relationship that failed. I'd say the odds are actually higher than that - 99% of the time is more accurate I'd say.
You had issues in a relationship and it didn't work out. You moved on and are happy. But curious about the past. Curiosity is natural. But don't forget what you now have and why you moved on in the past.

Wibbs

This is a hard one. I was only talking about this with a mate of mine the other night.

Funny thing is I'd be agreeing partially with both Brrraaap and Thaedydal.

On the one hand Thaedydal's take that if you can't decide between two then you have issues with both has some merit, certainly in a lot of cases.

I don't think dropping your current partner, because of such doubts is the right thing in this case. It's too black and white. If every time someone wasn't absolutely sure of their feelings towards their partner broke up, marriages wouldn't last 40 years. It's never that black and white except in mills and boon.

It does suggest that while you may love your current partner there's something missing in this relationship that the ex gave you. Or you think the ex gave you. Or maybe the ex did give you. But then why did you split up?

Brrraaap and others saying never go back also has it's merit. It does fail in most cases when people go back because the things that split you up in the first place will likely do so again, if - and this is the important bit - those issues are still there.

NEVER go back is equally as black and white as it can work. I can think of three couples off the top of my head that have gone back to significant exes and it worked. Worked very well indeed. Better than before. They worked because there was genuine love there in the first place, something got in the way and it was situational more than emotional, they both moved on and met down the line when both were ready for the relationship. It stands to reason that it would work. You know each other, you've loved and been attracted to each other, you also know the pitfalls of the dynamic between you so add in maturity and the passing of the years and it's probably more likely to work than with a complete stranger, which at the start is more novelty anyway.

I've also known at least two people(man and woman) who didn't go back when that chance was still there and they ended up with people not best suited to each other and express regret over it to this day.

I said in another thread on the subject that it could be compared to movies(I'm insane bear with me). Most sequels are crap. The vast majority are, but every so often, if a story is good and hasn't been fully explored the first time around, the sequel can be a better story. The trick is to be a Godfather II, not a Police Academy 6. Godfather II's are rarer than Police Academy 6's for a reason.

Your situation is heading way more for Police Academy though. For the simple reason that someone else is involved and involved deeply. In this case the story was good, but maybe has been fully explored. Brilliant at the time and for that time in your life, but not now. You may well be disappointed with any sequel.

People often talk of "soulmates". I think wrongly in most cases or maybe I've a different definition. I've had a few soulmates, yet I've only been truly in love twice. Soulmates for me are any person that is right for you, even if it's only at the time. Looking back I can think of women who were my soulmates then but wouldn't be now. We were prefect for each other at the time. That's a thing to think hard about when you look at your ex.

I do think that maybe what your ex is doing is showing you that while you love your current girlfriend and she was/is a soulmate. She's maybe not a soulmate that can be translated into the rest of your life.

As I say a hard one and my incoherent ramblings prove that I certainly don't have a hard and fast answer. I do think that you should look hard at your current relationship. Not so much through the prism of your ex, but at her as a future. Your ex may have only stirred up doubts that were always there.

You and your partner deserve to have honesty and love that lasts and is worked on. Honesty most of all. That has to come from you and you thinking hard about this. Otherwise you'll lose everything.

_blank_

Does your current gf know you met the ex?

Wagon

Don't go back to your ex. Stay with the currrent lady. Try to remember the bad times wih your ex, works a charm when you need to give yourself a kick up the hole And stop texting her as well!

Colonel_McCoy

Totally agree with Wagon, there is no future in the past. She is your ex for a reason

Wibbs

The ex would be only part of my concern. Of much more concern for me would bethe OP's line

1% of 1 wrote:

I've never experienced the kind of chemistry I have with her with any other girl, not even my current girlfriend comes close I feel.

. That's the issue, not the ex. I reckon the ex is just amplifying that. It's all very well saying "never go back" and that has a lot of merit, but being concerned about going forward when you feel that you don't have the level of "chemistry" that you should have if you're buying houses together etc has equal merit.

cjmcork

if you love your current girlfriend, how could you live with your conscience given the pain you WILL cause her if you dump her to go back to your ex.......personally, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing I'd caused that much pain to someone I claim to love

metamorphic

dunno OP, think you might have had a bit of a wobble over impending commitment with the house etc. and all of a sudden a ghost of freedom past rolls in. I can't say I wouldn't feel the same, but you have to factor in everything.

Do you feel that by going forward with the current GF that there's some finality to it? (well that it's we live together now, game over)
would your ex be at a similar level of commitment, as in, willing to buy a house together etc?

you may (or may not) be both remembering the past fondly, where a complete future together may be not getting considered at this point. Reality bites OP and the dreamy facade could come down quite quickly.

I know you'd no intention of hurting your current GF but god, a year and a half, with a house on the way. She's probably delighted too. Sees her whole future with you before her.

One course of action leaves you with some lingering doubt over an old relationship, and I think we all have those to a greater or lesser extent. The other drops a girl on her head who's willing to at least try and go the distance with you.

paperclip2

Hi OP,

Sometimes I think that when it comes to making decisions about matters of the heart that we half expect the clouds to part, a celestial choir to sing and a divine light to shine out and show us the way. If only!! :eek: The fact of the matter is that these decisions can be made the way we make every other decision in life, looking at the facts, weighing up options, figuring out the best course of action and dealing with the consequnces of our choice.

All decision making involves considerable cerebral activity but when it comes to love and relationships sometimes our logical self leaves the building and we end up dancing about with the purely emotional part of ourselves which because of past history is ill equipped to make this decision. I'm not saying we shouldn't listen to our emotions and factor feelings into the equation but at some point we need to stop teetering around on the brink of a decision because of how we 'feel' and actually commit to a course of action. Does this mean the choice will always be the right one? No, of course it doesn't but thats life and making mistakes (sometimes massive ones) is part of it.

I suppose what I'm trying to say in a very roundabout way is that the decision about who you should be with, if anyone, is a decision that only you are capable of making. As Wibbs pointed out going back to your ex can work as can staying put with your current girl but you, not a computer full of boardsies, are the only one who can effectively weigh up the likely success of either option. I think some time spent having an honest and dispassionate look at where your heads really at is in order.

Best of luck OP.

BTW Wibbs, write a book man, your analogies are class, Police Academy!! HeeHee!!

MistyCheese

I have to say, I thought this was blindingly obvious. You're about to buy a house with a girl you've been with for 18 months. You accidentally text your ex (you said accidentally but honestly, I'm sceptical. Have you ever texted her by accident before now?) and the two of you decide to meet up. Instead of being formal, as they have usually been, things take a much friendlier turn.

Now, you're torn.

Of course you are. You're scared at the prospect of buying a house with someone you've only known for a year and a half (which is understandable) and you were looking for a conflict. I'm not saying that you're looking for an excuse not to face the big, scary, unknown future, but you definately want the familiarality of an ex as an option.

It really does sound like you're settling for your current gf. You don't think she's the love of your life. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. IMO the people who believe in "one great love" and "soulmate" are the people who are divorced three times by the age of forty. But you have to decide if you want to keep chasing the Disney idea of love, or if you want to settle down with a companion and share a life, and a mutal, if more sedated love.

Whichever you decide, I have to agree that if you do get back with your ex she will one day again be your ex.

MJOR

I don't really think you love either of these women. I am at a loss as to why after all this time you still have the exs number in your phone at all.

If I was to say which one to go with? Your current lady sounds like the one.

The grass is always greener

You don't deserve either of them

Wibbs

MJOR wrote: »

I don't really think you love either of these women.

I dunno. He loved the ex before she was an ex. He still has some major feelings for her 4 years on, or at least has major feelings for the feelings he had for her. He loves the current woman, but not as much as he thinks he should. Ithink like most things love is a range of feelings. A I said I've been in full on love twice in my life, but I've been in a hell of a lot of love more than that.

I am at a loss as to why after all this time you still have the exs number in your phone at all.

Could be coincidence could be some lingering thing. I suspect the latter.

If I was to say which one to go with? Your current lady sounds like the one.

Funny I would say no,until he figures out if he can give her the level of love she deserves. IMHO he may be better off trying and failing to love the ex, than trying and succeeding in not loving the current woman.

The grass is always greener

Yea and even if he feels it actually is, he still needs to get over the fence. Sitting on same will just give him a painful crease in his arse.

You don't deserve either of them

To quote the movie Unforgiven, "deserves got nuthin do do with it". Strangely he has to actually be selfish. He has to figure out what will make him happy, as that's what will make the woman in his life happy. If he's second guessing himself now at a year odd in(still in the honeymoon stage), what's gonna jump up to bite him in the arse 3 years into a mortgage and a life mapped out, with who he thinks is the wrong woman?

Again I'm not so sure the ex is the "one" either. I do think she's possibly a yardstick by which he's judging the current relationship and seeing a problem.

We can all be torn between two lovers(cue song) and that's a problem in itself. But when you're torn between what appears to be a good thing that hits all the right spots and you're hankering after something that split up, that's a whole other issue.

So I would agree with Thaedydal's take that if you can't decide you don't love either, by adding that if you can't decide between an ex that left for a reason and a current woman, then buying a house and buying into a future with the current woman is a baaaad plan.

LegacyUser

your a bloody idiot. you text her by accident my foot, why is the number still in your phone, you love your girlfriend another joke if you did, you wouldn't have sent the second text, you certainly wouldn't have met up with your ex, and you definately wouldn't have spent two hours on the phone talking to the other one. What would you think if this girl you have at the moment decided to tell you she did what you are after doing? no big deal? what were you thinking you were going to achieve by opening this can of worms up again? Idiot you will end up alone

LegacyUser

Hey OP

Was in a similar situation (but was your ex-girlfriend in the situation), anyway, we had split up for a year after several years together and when we met up again, all the feelings came back, and we decided to give it another go. I knew he'd have to finish it with the next girl he had met, and felt awful for that. So did he, so much so that I had to listen to him be upset about it for quite a bit and it all felt a bit "soiled" or something. He shouldn't have been discussing her with me in the first place, and he was in no way as serious (yet) with her as you seem to be with your lass. We gave it another go and he ended up staying "friends" with her, in the end he ended up going back to her (after having several others in between) But they split up on her say so this time, which is when he decided he really did love her. He then ended up pining for her in a bad way for years and she didn't want anythig to do with him in the end. Neither did I (he had stayed "friends" with me too during all of this). Moral of the story is...if you have doubts, do not buy a house with a girl (ridiculous idea) do not mess either of them about or you lose both of them. Take some time out of it for all your sakes and make a firm decision when you know your own mind and heart a bit more. Sh*t or get off the pot. The first whiff I get of wishy washyness off of blokes these days I am out the door like a hot snot after that experience... it's a horrible feeling, knowing the person you love most in the world is wieghing you up and down like comparing two chocolate bars ina sweet shop, so be very careful about how this develops or you'll end up with a lot of biterness around you.
I hope your heart starts knowing what it wants very soon for all your sakes, good luck.

MJOR

The first whiff I get of wishy washyness off of blokes these days I am out the door like a hot snot after that experience...

So true

it's a horrible feeling, knowing the person you love most in the world is wieghing you up and down like comparing two chocolate bars ina sweet shop, so be very careful about how this develops or you'll end up with a lot of biterness around you.

Also if the current girl finds out she'll make up your mind for you... and dump you

I hope your heart starts knowing what it wants very soon for all your sakes, good luck.

At the end of the day you're messing these girls around

WilmaRidesAgain

OP, I dont know about the ex tbh -I would harzard a guess that she is "any port in a storm" more so than "the one"....aaaaaaaanyway

I think the problem mainly is at the moment that you just are not that into your current GF, I think you like her and feel "duty bound" to her but I dont think you like/love her "enough".......
You sound as if you are going through the motions with her and are now looking for a handy escape hatch, cue convenient slip of the finger and text to hot ex

Now, Im not judging ya, dont get me wrong, but think about whether you are a little bit in denial to yourself .....think about that, give it some good thinkin.

If the current GF magically disappeared what would you do?

How would you feel? Relief?

If so, you know what you have to do.

You need to sort out the current situation before you go creating an even more complicated mess.

You've been well sneaky too contacting the ex and giving over so much time and attention to communicating with her, dont be trying to justify it on here or more importantly to yourself, we can all read between the lines.
Its not just "happening" you are making it happen.

If I was your girl and I caught you doing what you have already done your feet wouldnt touch the ground, so desist.

Either fess up to current GF that you are having major doubts, be a man and let the girl on with the rest of her life, sounds like she has already made a few significant sacrifices for you. And you have no business accepting her trust when you are sneaking around behind her back.

I know the chemistry with the ex is sweet, if you feel its something significant then even more reason to put the current GF out of her misery, well into it temporarily but you have got to be cruel to be kind.

Just my tuppence.

Oryx

1% of 1 wrote: »

Question is, what the hell do I do now? Do I stay the course with my girlfriend and settle down with someone who I'm now not sure (through no fault of her own) I should be with? Or, do I take a chance on trying to rekindle things with my ex?

Really get inside your own head and think hard about both of these women. Ask yourself:

Why did I 'accidentally' text gf#1?
Why did I feel the need to meet her?
Why did we break up?
What do I like and dislike about both of them?
Why now have my feelings for my otherwise wonderful gf#2 gone off the boil?
Where do I see myself in five years?

Think hard on this. You know what to do, you just need to give yourself the time and thought to see it clearly yourself, without all the emotion muddle you feel right now.

pookie82

Move on move on move on. Don't look back. You're reminiscing and romanticising something that happened years ago. Stay with the girl you love now and look to the future. It's very unfair of you to even meet up with your ex behind her back and contemplate leaving her on a whim right before buying a house. If you're really unsure don't buy a house with her but for god's sake don't dump her for an old ex who you found a few sparks with. it'll never work out.

Wibbs

I think people fall into two camps here.

The "NEVER go back" crowd who reckon it'll never work. It usually doesn't but can. Two of the best couples I know went back, one nearly a decade later, so maybe I should ring them and tell them it never works .

Then there's the "leave them BOTH, as you don't love either of them" camp. I can see the very good logic, but I can also see where logic in love can go right out the window.

Both are equally black and white stances IMHO. Life is more complex than that. A lot more. It's also more complex than any post by the OP on the subject can write, so it's understandable that we all go for general rules.

The obvious answer(at least to me) lays within the OP's own words. If he finds more chemistry with a person he hasn't seen for 4 years than with the current person(who apparently doesn't compare to the passion with the ex), then I would say he needs to really think hard about the current relationship.

Put simply, if he loved the current girl and she was the woman for him, he may reminisce the odd time about the past, but he wouldn't be meeting his past, he wouldn't be thinking about her, he wouldn't be unfavourably comparing his current woman and he wouldn't be here.

I think the ex, beyond stirring up old feelings has brought into focus what he's missing from his current relationship.

Wibbs

PS it's also possible that the OP has been rebounding since that ex and this rebound has just stuck for longer. That can happen. I've known people to even marry a rebound. Ex hoves into view and here we are.

marti101

You didnt accidently text and then meet the ex you did it knowinly what if the shoe was on the other foot and your gf did it to you how would you feel.Take time out and think about what you want but do it soon before current gf finds out as women are very good at copping on.