Confused!

Aine M

I am really looking for advice here.Was seeing this really great guy for the last two months.we got on brilliantly til Sunday, everything was up in the air then and still is for me. Thing is, his exgirlfriend who he was seeing for six months started ringing and texting him out of the blue over the weekend.He just told me he was very confused and when i asked him if he wanted to get back with her he said his feelings were all over the place and he didnt know. i asked him did he even consider me when all this was going on and he just said that i was better off not being caught in the middle of it.at that i just left as i was told it was a matter between the two if them and it had nothing to do with me.I was extremly annoyed at this as I was under the impresson we were seeing each other.why did i feel like the third wheel.
as i was leaving he was apologising and just said that he would let me know what's happening.I just replied that I wasnt going to be second best.it had happened me before in a long term relationship and he knew that, which makes it even worse:mad:
Thing is, he told me that he hated this girl, she had previously cheated on him and he was so cross over it.I have had no contact with him since Sunday and I am really at a loss at what to do. I cant help feeling that there is more going on than I am being told.We had spent the previous two nights before together and all was great and then this. it has left me really confused. The bit that threw me is when he said that he would let me know, as if I would be sitting there waiting for him to decide.Any advice on what to do???I really really like this guy:(

Wibbs

Maybe this is harsh on my part, but I would tell him in no uncertain terms where to go. Emotional "confusion" in a man is not a good trait, particularly when he's hurting people by it.

I hate to say it but I think you were caught in a rebound, where his feelings for her were still in play.

cabrwab

You guys have only started seeing each other, he thinks he has this thing with his ex.
He is a fool! She wants him only because she knows he's being with you, its a jealousy thing, went through the exact same thing a few years ago.

Was seeing a girl for 6months, dumped me horribly, then a few months later she found out i was with somebody else. She started showing up at my house when i was home, called over when she knew a girl i was seeng was there while i was introducing her to my parents, my mother says, "oh hello, the little poisioned dwarf".

He will be just hurt again, but your right not to be second fiddle.
I wouldn't wait for him to decide, if he has to decide it aint going to work between you too. It may hurt you but he aint committed to YOU so get on with your life, meet somebody else. Easier said then done sometimes, i don't want to be cruel to you.

Hope that made some sense to you.

Aine M

That is what i am thinking.I did think about telling him where to go but he was so confused about everything and I really didnt want to add to his troubles.I have been where he is and its an awful spot to be in.he is genuinely one of the good guys left out there.I know i give guys way too many chances but what if he came back to me and said that he had been stupid and overreacted and he wanted to give things with me another go.i know what i should say, but knowing me thats not what I will do.I am annoyed over it, he shouldnt have gotten so close to me if he felt like this about her.

Aine M

cabrwab wrote: »

You guys have only started seeing each other, he thinks he has this thing with his ex.
He is a fool! She wants him only because she knows he's being with you, its a jealousy thing, went through the exact same thing a few years ago.

Was seeing a girl for 6months, dumped me horribly, then a few months later she found out i was with somebody else. She started showing up at my house when i was home, called over when she knew a girl i was seeng was there while i was introducing her to my parents, my mother says, "oh hello, the little poisioned dwarf".

He will be just hurt again, but your right not to be second fiddle.
I wouldn't wait for him to decide, if he has to decide it aint going to work between you too. It may hurt you but he aint committed to YOU so get on with your life, meet somebody else. Easier said then done sometimes, i don't want to be cruel to you.

Hope that made some sense to you.

That makes perfect sense.it amazing when someone turns out to be something you thought they werent.he even gave me a key to his house on the friday nite, and that has just thrown me more.he really shouldnt have done that. If i was seeing someone and my ex came to me i would have told them where to go,that I was seeing someone else and that was it, no question about it.
hope the new girl worked out,the "poisoned little dwarf" will get what she deserves.cant understand why people dont let others get on with their lives.good on your mother!!!

Wibbs

Aine M wrote: »

I did think about telling him where to go but he was so confused about everything and I really didnt want to add to his troubles.

Which is very caring of you, but hello? Your troubles have higher value.

I have been where he is and its an awful spot to be in.

It is a difficult one, but it's doubly difficult if ones backbone is hard to find. I work on the principle that people are like teabags, the flavour only really comes out when they're put in hot water.

he is genuinely one of the good guys left out there.

Seriously how do you know that. This is the line that would worry me more tbh. Guy goes with you, promises much, maybe even delivers. Then ex hoves into view and this good guy, without giving you a decent explanation, cuts contact with you as he's confused? Never mind actually telling his ex where to go as he's with someone now. I would look at it this way if he's confused about two women he claims to love/like then he doesn't love/like either of them enough to make said decision.

I know i give guys way too many chances

I'm all for giving people chances. You would be shocked how easy going I have been in the past with exes of mine, including the toxic looperettes, but in a case like this, take my advice, let him be confused on his own.

but what if he came back to me and said that he had been stupid and overreacted and he wanted to give things with me another go.

In that case you would have to tread very carefully. Take it very slow. One of the things I've seen with rebounds and cases like this is when they're this confused about two people, more often than not they'll end up with one in the end for a while, then either finally go back to the ex, or more likely end upwith someone completely new and fresh, with no connection to the ex.

i know what i should say, but knowing me thats not what I will do.

Yes you fancy him and maybe even knowing he's in demand adds to that is a weird way, but if you go back prepare for a rollercoaster of wondering.

I am annoyed over it, he shouldnt have gotten so close to me if he felt like this about her.

Annoyed? I would be incandescent with ire. I wish you luck though, whatever you do.

Aine M

Wibbs wrote: »

Which is very caring of you, but hello? Your troubles have higher value.
It is a difficult one, but it's doubly difficult if ones backbone is hard to find. I work on the principle that people are like teabags, the flavour only really comes out when they're put in hot water. Seriously how do you know that. This is the line that would worry me more tbh. Guy goes with you, promises much, maybe even delivers. Then ex hoves into view and this good guy, without giving you a decent explanation, cuts contact with you as he's confused? Never mind actually telling his ex where to go as he's with someone now. I would look at it this way if he's confused about two women he claims to love/like then he doesn't love/like either of them enough to make said decision. I'm all for giving people chances. You would be shocked how easy going I have been in the past with exes of mine, including the toxic looperettes, but in a case like this, take my advice, let him be confused on his own. In that case you would have to tread very carefully. Take it very slow. One of the things I've seen with rebounds and cases like this is when they're this confused about two people, more often than not they'll end up with one in the end for a while, then either finally go back to the ex, or more likely end upwith someone completely new and fresh, with no connection to the ex.
Yes you fancy him and maybe even knowing he's in demand adds to that is a weird way, but if you go back prepare for a rollercoaster of wondering. Annoyed? I would be incandescent with ire. I wish you luck though, whatever you do.

I am just shocked at the whole thing.whats even more annoying is that fact he hasnt even bothered to text or ring since sun. a simple text would do. the more time that goes on without hearing from him the angrier i am getting.i totally agree with you and what you said about him.i have had serious trust issues in the past and seriously if we were to try this again, i would be constantly wondering.i would like to think he was one of the good guys, have to hope that there are a few left out there!!!

MJOR

I understand you really like this guy. Time together is never really a strong indicator of feelings, however he is very back and forth.
I can only imagine its agony waiting for a decision.
You are the master of your own destiny here Aine.
He has not made the right decision by going back. He has not done right by you are himself.

He is being treated like a puppet on a string by his ex. Is this the type of man you wanna be with?

Aine M

MJOR wrote: »

I understand you really like this guy. Time together is never really a strong indicator of feelings, however he is very back and forth.
I can only imagine its agony waiting for a decision.
You are the master of your own destiny here Aine.
He has not made the right decision by going back. He has not done right by you are himself.

He is being treated like a puppet on a string by his ex. Is this the type of man you wanna be with?

the thing is that he never even considered me which speaks volumes.when i asked what was going on he just said it was between them.the more i read back on what i have written here the more stupid it even sounds to consider anything in the future with him.he should be apologising sincerley if he meant it.cant get into the minds of fellas at all and judging by this i dont want to!!thanks for all the advice!

Miss Fluff

Being instructed to hang around until he decides what to do or who to choose is hardly a self-esteem boosting exercise. He is behaving like a self-absorbed numpty and it is in no way reasonable to expect you hanging around until he deems you "good enough" to choose to go out with. And yes, there ARE a lot of really decent, great guys out there so don't for a moment think you won't meet another one OP. This guy isn't decent at all if he is treating you like this.

Wibbs

I'll tell you his mind. He's hedging his bets. He wants time to figure out which of you he fancies more. That's the long and short of it. He's thinking of himself and his crotch and both women, you and her are secondary.

Dragan

To be honest, I can't help but get the impression that if the OP was a male, he would be told the girl needs time to think about things and is clearly not over her ex and god bless her because he was a cheating bastard.

OP, the dude is obviously not over his ex girlfriend, this doesn't really make him a bad person but it DOES make him a bad candidate to get involved with.

humanji

Have to agree with Dragan here. OP, the guy isn't over his ex, and maybe she isn't just being a bitch and trying to mess with his head. It's possible she isn't over him either. It really sounds like he was on the rebound when he met you. He is confused and not sure what to do. His options are to go back to someone who hurt him, and that he has strong feelings, or to try and break away with someone he's just starting to develop feelings for.

It's not a fun position to be in, so in that regard I can understand him. But for you, you should just move on. He doesn't seem ready to let go of his ex and so that leaves little hope of a relationship with you. Maybe sometime in the future, the two of you might hook up again, but don't wait around for him. Life's too short.

pookie82

I'm telling you now, cut all ties and steer clear. Count yourself lucky that, although you really like him, you only invested two months in the guy. How horrible to tell you it's none of your business that his b*itch of an ex is back in the picture and he needs time to decide which one to choose - he doesn't sound like one of the "good guys" at all. And I really hate to say this but no contact since Sunday prob means he's met her/changed his mind and has decided he wants to go back to that. If not he should have had the decency to let you know otherwise. It's a horrible thing to do to someone - have them hang around while you decide whether you prefer them to an ex or not.

Even if he did take you back - would you ever be truly comfortable everytime they met or she rang? I guarantee you she'd cause you endless grief. if he's giving her the time of day now then she'll keep chipping away. My advice is get the hell out now.

pookie82

Dragan wrote: »

To be honest, I can't help but get the impression that if the OP was a male, he would be told the girl needs time to think about things and is clearly not over her ex and god bless her because he was a cheating bastard.

OP, the dude is obviously not over his ex girlfriend, this doesn't really make him a bad person but it DOES make him a bad candidate to get involved with.

That's a good point, if it were a girl some might look more favourably on it. But either way it's a horrible thing to do to someone - tell them it's none of their business while you send them off to wait on your decision.

Dragan

pookie82 wrote: »

That's a good point, if it were a girl some might look more favourably on it. But either way it's a horrible thing to do to someone - tell them it's none of their business while you send them off to wait on your decision.

The OP said she was "under the impression" they were seeing each other. This indicates they never really talked about where they were or what they wanted from each other. Maybe he only saw it as a casual thing, maybe it helps to be a little clearer in communication rather make assumptions and work off impressions.

Either way the dude handled it wrong, but i also don't think the OP was handling things "right".

Wibbs

TBH I would be irritated regardless of gender. In fact the gender idea suggests that some think women are naturally more emotionally daft than men. I think both can be equally daft, it just comes out in different ways.

brianthebard

Has anything happened between him and the ex?I wouldn't be as hard on him as some here,i'm sure you've had residual feelings for someone that broke up with you op?It doesn't help that you walked out when he said he was confused,that could help push them together.If you like him that much you should tell him,not let the ex have a free run at him.If it doesn't work out at least you tried and if it does,result.

MJOR

It's noth worth feeling like this... He is being far too self indulgent. I'd say move on because in all reality he is at this point confused as to where his head is at!

Aine M

brianthebard wrote: »

Has anything happened between him and the ex?I wouldn't be as hard on him as some here,i'm sure you've had residual feelings for someone that broke up with you op?It doesn't help that you walked out when he said he was confused,that could help push them together.If you like him that much you should tell him,not let the ex have a free run at him.If it doesn't work out at least you tried and if it does,result.

I walked out because i was a little bit angry, but we didnt leave on bad terms.I didnt storm out or anything like that.i just got up and said goodbye and left.I asked him straight out if he wanted to get back with her and he said he didnt know and that he didnt want me caught in the middle.i did tell him how upset i was, and how he was the first person i had fallen for since my ex of seven years.i had made it clear to him how much i liked him.if he had strong feelings for me he would have just told he straight out that he was seeing me an that was it.but he couldnt do that. i sympathised with him, as i previously mentioned i have been where he is. he knows there is no future in it but cant help feeling like he does cos he obviously still has strong feeling for her.he annoyed me too at the bit where he said he would let me know whats happening:mad:

The Hill Billy

OP - Tell him to sling his hook. He wants to have his cake & eat it.

He is not confused in the slightest. He is biding his time while he tries to figure out which option is better for him. Why should you sit around waiting for him to make an important decision about your relationship?

Seriously - dump him. And dump him by text too - he doesn't deserve even a phone call.

Aine M

Dragan wrote: »

The OP said she was "under the impression" they were seeing each other. This indicates they never really talked about where they were or what they wanted from each other. Maybe he only saw it as a casual thing, maybe it helps to be a little clearer in communication rather make assumptions and work off impressions.

Either way the dude handled it wrong, but i also don't think the OP was handling things "right".

I think you may have picked me up wrong on this Dragan:(, i said it in a really sarcastic manner kind of a bite back like I was after getting when told it was their business.we were going out and had discussed it.was it this you were referring in my handling of it or do you think I could have handled it better? i was really cross and did feel for his situation so thats why i didnt tell him where to go with "letting me know".

SarahSassy

Dragan wrote: »

The OP said she was "under the impression" they were seeing each other. This indicates they never really talked about where they were or what they wanted from each other. Maybe he only saw it as a casual thing, maybe it helps to be a little clearer in communication rather make assumptions and work off impressions.

If it were only a casual thing why did he give her keys to his place last Friday?? When a couple who have been seeing each other swap keys its generally a sign that they are more than casual...

Wurly

He would let you know what is happening?

Well, isn't that mighty good of him. OP, he is not over this girl. He's keeping you around to soften the blow. He said he hated the girl cos he was still hurt. If you were over someone, you would feel indifferent about them. It shows he still has feelings for her if he says he 'hates' her. Ironic but true.

I was the rebound girl not too long ago. I stuck around like a tit longer than I should have. Don't do this to yourself OP. You deserve someone with only you on their mind. All that's to be gained from this is anger and upset.

Walk away before this gets messier. You will look back and be proud of yourself for not accepting second best. Staying with this guy will eliminate your chances of meeting someone nice as you will be so wrapped up this situation.

I wish I could say I did myself proud in my situation but I didn't. I let myself down and I would hate for you to make the same mistake.

He's not worth your energy - truly!