Afraid to let go of my long term GF

LegacyUser

Hi all. Im a 31 year old lad. Ive been with my GF along time now. We have always got on great together and had great times. It doesnt make sense why I feel that sometimes I do not love her. Its just a feeling I get that I cannot explain. She is everything a man could want. She treats me so good and is very beautiful. To think of another man enjoying her company makes me sick.
Lately Ive been getting really depressed thinking about my future and what lies ahead, I even went to the doctor and she prescribed me with anti depressants. In-fact, its always been on the back of my mind, but I just hid my feelings from everyone and pretended to be having a good time. Everything gets me down now, work, drink, rain, young people having fun.

Now at this age, with all my friends having moved on with their lives, I'm afraid to breakup with my GF because Ill be left completely alone. If I had done it years ago, it would have been easier because I could have hung out with my friends. I dont have a house or a full time job. I keep thinking that Ive lost all my twenties and there is no way of ever getting them back. It kills me to see my teenage nephews entering the best times of their lives. They'll go to college, go travelling, work abroad and have loads of fun.

I dont even know if I do love her or not. Or am I just depressed and this is preventing me from feeling anything towards her. I find it hard to make love to her yet I would love to have a one night stand with a hot chick. I get irritated around her, snappy, moody, lazy. Basically, Im having a **** life right now and I want to fix it.
Is there anyway out for me. Will I be happy someday.

Its all or nothing now in my relationship, and I dont want to ask her to marry me just for the sake of it.

outspann

Hey man,

Sounds like it's not just the relatinship that is getting you down. There's always a feeling of the grass being greener somewhere else, but that's not what I get from your post.

I remember a few years ago, I was feeling something similar, except for me it wasn't my relationship that was causing me grief, it was my job. I think I had just been in it for so long (and I'm only talking about 7 years) that I felt I'd be in it until I retired. It used to really get me down, the thought that all the decisions had already been made in my life, and all that was left was to follow them through.

I eventually decided to change jobs, and go contracting. In a crazy way, the supposed "lack" of job security has actually been brilliant for me. I still do pretty much the exact same work, but it's weirdly comforting to know that in six or eight months this job will end, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it - so there's no point in worrying!

The thing is, you are still making choices. Getting up to go to work each morning is a choice. You don't have to make it. You can choose something else - how about a career break? Or could ye do a couple of months travelling? Or just doing something different for the sake of it.

It's very easy for us to get into a rut, even with the people we love. Take your time and think about making a change. Even knowing that you have options could make all the difference.

pookie82

Jesus, you're 31 not 51. it's hardly pension time for you and you have every opportunity if you break up with her to go and find someone else. it's much easier for guys to break off a relationship like this in terms of having time to meet someone else.... you have no biological clock ticking and men can meet women and start families into their forties!!!

It's not fair on her that you want to have one night stands with "hot chicks" just cos you've gotten yourself stuck in a rut. It's not fair on her that you're leading her on into thinking that you're possibly going to spend the rest of your lives together.

Saying you're too comfortable and familiar to end somthing or are afraid to be alone is such a cop out to me. You want greener grass but you don't have the guts to go for it in case the break-up is too painful so you drag it out, string herself and you along, and maybe even end up cheating because of your unwillingness to move on but your desire for something new.

It's not fair on either of you. bite the bullet and talk to her about how you feel. it might end up in a break up but if it does, then that's it. And for god's sake it's not too late for you to travel/go back to college/enjoy no responsibilities for a long time yet. So go do it or you'll resent her unfairly forever.

SarahSassy

pookie82 wrote: »

It's not fair on her that you want to have one night stands with "hot chicks" just cos you've gotten yourself stuck in a rut. It's not fair on her that you're leading her on into thinking that you're possibly going to spend the rest of your lives together.

I 100% agree. OP thats an incredibly selfish attitude. Let her free to meet someone who loves her.

Miss Fluff

Agreed with above. 31 hardly makes you a fossil tbh but if you are feeling like this I think you need to let your girlfriend know sooner rather than later. Your other problems may be symptomatic of what's going on in your relationship. On the other hand the problems in your relationship may just be compounded by all the other stuff that is wrong in your life. You need to be open and honest with her though and make a decision once and for all what direction you want to take. If you no longer want to be with her you need to tell her that.

LegacyUser

It's a Mid life crisis ten years early.

That, or you just don't love your girlfriend.

Those are your two options.

Only you know the answer.

Thing is if it's either option, I'd say that she knows something is up.

If you turned that tide for a minute and stopped thinking of your own life... answer this.. How would you feel if she was thinking exactly the same thing? Weird but read your own PI and see how you would feel if this was her writing about you.

Maybe she’s thinking - god I better hang on to this bloke - I don't particularly love him, but sure, I'm comfortable with him and scared that if I let him go, there won't be anyone else..

If this was her PI, and you read it from her point of view, word for word...would it fill you with fear or would it give you the final push to get rid, and start the dreamy life that passes you by in the snap shots of kids in their teens setting out?

Either get a grip stop dreaming and grow up, make a life out of what you have, or buy a one way ticket to Bolivia and live out your wildest dreams.
You're post is self centred.- whether that be as a result of the depression and drifting into a "world is passing me by " obsession or not, I don’t know.

That, or get rid of the girl. She'll be fine; the question you need to ask yourself on the other side of that green fence is as Pookie said. Will the grass be greener or will you be left regretting?

Your choice, two options really. So take stock.

judas101

Bail out man, it'll happen eventually.

Dont waste any more time.

RedXIV

OK, from reading your post, i can tell that you

1) are in a relationship because you fear being alone. end of

2) have just realised it's time to be responsible in life

3) need to address this now.

Lets face it, from what you wrote, you have no interest in your other half bar the security of a relationship. This is a recipe for disaster. and it will result in the end of your relationship someday.

I may be wrong, it's hard to explain an entire life in a few lines but if myself and the other posters here are correct, you need to talk to your other half first and explain your feelings. Whether you two can work them out together, only you two know.

But address them, and do it soon.

Best of luck

Red

The Werewolf

OP.

In your original post you were saying you were having a **** life. Fair enough. For God's sake, you need to pull the finger out and tell your OH what you're feeling. Here's why I think you should.

1) You are being totally selfish with this whole 'I'm afraid to be on my own' attitude. What about her? Maybe she does or maybe she doesn't feel the same way. If it's out you want, it might be a lot closer than you think.

2) You alluded to feeling depressed with your life in general in your original post. How much better do you think you're going to feel if you drag this out and really hurt her. rather than taking the opportunity to sit together and work out the status of your relationship or if it's worth salvaging. Do you not think she should have a say?

In my opinion (and remember that it's only that) somebody's looking to have their cake and eat it. Sure we all probably miss our teens and our twenties and all that but we've to get over it. You're still young enough to go out there and have fun if that's what you want but keeping the other half in the dark like you appear to be doing is a train-wreck waiting to happen.

I think myself you're being really selfish holding your cards so close to your chest and keeping her out in the cold like that. Eventually she's going to spot it and then there'll be hell to pay.

Sorry if this seems a bit harsh but I feel the OP needs to grow up a bit.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am the same age as you and was in a very similar situation myself last year. I was feeling self pity after I was made redundant from my job which I enjoyed. After 6 months of this my girlfriend could not take it anymore and finished with me last Christmas. Fast forward 6 months and I'm still heartbroken and would not wish this on anyone.

Give the anti-depressants a few weeks and see how you get on. If you still feel the same then maybe you need to let your girlfriend go. Everyone deserves to be loved. There is someone out there for every single one of us.

I know some previous posters have said to let her go now. I just want you to make sure that it is not some other area of your life that is making you feel this way, perhaps your job or moreso the lack of social interaction with others in your life. I somtimes feel that people throw relationships away on a whim rather than working out any issues there are.

I know its a cliche on Boards.ie at this stage but you need to join a club or take up a team sport, group hobby or something whereby you will be meeting others.

There are enough broken hearts in the world.

I have learned that you need to love and appreciate the people around you, everything else is just trivial.

Best of luck.

MJOR

I don't envy the position you are in.

As I always say we are masters of our own destiny and I don't think you are being fair to you or your other half.

Your mental health needs to be your prioity so I suggest talkimng things thru with your lady.

She doesn't deserve to only be loved when you can muster up the emotion to do it....

Maybe talking things thru will help you see if you are both on the same page

You also have a big "the grass is greener" thought process......

It most likely isn't!

Good luck

LegacyUser

Don't worry she will be better off without you, total self absorbed twaddle, bet your one of those fella that makes it bloody obvious to your girl that you would love a one night stand with anything in a skirt, eyes out on stalks anytime a girl passes you, she doesn't have to be pretty just anything with a pulse, your feeling depressed how do you think your making your girlfriend feel? do you think she hasn't noticed what you are up to? you probably haven;t shown her a bit of attention while you are wallowing in your self pity. Do you think the next girl is going to be better for you than the one you have? will a one night stand make you feel more like a man make you feel better about yourself? off ya go. but i bet your girlfriend already has her own plans for her future and they are not including you anymore, she will be in someone elses bed, she will make another man happy, sounds like she has wasted enough of her life on you, so for gods sake just tell her and go or let her go whichever. It you that has to live without her

LegacyUser

hey,

i was there a few months back. was going out with a girl for 5 years, im 26 shes 25. I couldnt find one reason why i wanted to end it but yet i wasnt feeling it. i was making no effort and i definitely wasnt showing her the love and affection she deserved.

The reason i could think of staying were only selfish reasons, like she was beautiful, she was warm, soft, kind hearted, honest and she loved me to bits. However it would have been very bad of me to stay with her for those reasons. she deserved someone who loves her as much as she will love them and shes needs 100% commitment both of which i could not give, dont ask me why i couldnt, i suppose my head just wasnt in it. It was the most hardest and heartbreaking thing to do to the girl when i ended it, came as complete shock to her and everyone who knew us. we were always called the perfect couple and the most solid one to last.

I do feel like i have failed her, but again it would not be right to stay in it for those reasons, the only reason that would make me stay with her is if i loved her equally as much and if i had the feelings that we once had at the beginning, in alot of ways i am the only person to blame, you might say i didnt work hard enough in it, i didnt put effort in, i didnt do alot of things, i let it slip away. I did not do this to be with other girls or anything like that, i just felt like i couldnt cope with it anymore. i need some alone time. I may live to regret this, but im will to live with regret than to take a lovely girl that deserves better down with me.

bottom line mate...let her go..its not fair on her...at least tell her how you feel so she isnt in the dark...give her the chance to decide.