Really sorry for the long post - I'm an emotional wreck!!

Lucy Locket

Hi Everyone,

Dont really post much at all here, but long time reader. I've just been going through so much crap lately that I feel I need to just rant.

A little over a month ago I found out by a 3rd party thay my fiance had had an affair early this yr, before & after we got engaged. The engagement came from him, I was not pressuring to get engaged it was a surprise. Being a level headed lady I had always said that if I was ever cheated on I'd be gone and never look back but as it turns out I can't.....I have tried to leave but I keep coming back. I have moved back into the house about a week and a half ago, we have had some good and bad times.....I just can't seem to have a steady flow of emotions and it is driving me crazy..for instance we could be just sitting getting on really well and then the next second I am fuming because we are acting like everything is ok when it isn't ok, and then I am getting mad at myself for being weak and staying...but at the end of the day I love him to bits and I just can't let go. We are working with Accord at the moment, we have had 2sessions and another one this week. I really feel like I am in limbo and I'm just wondering...well I actually don't even know what I am wondering anymore...I wish someone would just tell me everything will be ok

When I confronted my fiance he did admit to it, he said he doesn't really know why it did it, he thinks it was just he got worried that I was the last person he was ever going to sleep with and he paniced. The Affair happened over 3mths but he has said he only ever met the girl 8/9times and only ever slept with her 4/5 times out of that(I'm not condoning it jst think by saying an affair its like meeting every night etc). It wasn't an affair as in they went out on dates he would meet her while I was at work, when she was finished(she knew about me). I really do feel when we have been talking that he does regret it, and it is not the path he would take. He recently had to go to where this girl works (for his work) and he rang me in advance to tell me that he would be there, and he told me later that when he saw her, he just felt so sick and couldn't believe what he had done to me, and really can't give me an answer to why he has made such a mistake.

Can all these doubts in my mind ever be put to rest? When we have had small moments of intamacey I worry he is thinking of her, but he assures me he is not, will that ever leave....am I a fool to stay?? Is sex a good thing at this stage....we have had it once since all of this and I felt terribe about it (that was 3wks ago)...we are in different rooms. I'm so confused that sometimes I want it but I'm afraid that he will think he has gotten away with everything! I am so hot and cold lately it not funny I hate not knowing what I'm at!

Thanks for listening (reading)...think just needed to put it all down somewhere. I know I'm the only one with the answer just can't find it or I'm afraid to find it. X

MJOR

Sorry to hear of his infidelity...... I think you can forgive but not forget... most women would find themselves in this prediciment.

I suppose really the most important thing here is that the trust is broken.

Emotionally you'll feel this way for a while.
There are worse things than infidelity......

You have to now decide whether you can put this behind you... Many relationships survive it...
Is the relationship worth a second shot?
If you can't move on from it then leave
Hope this helps.

Dragan

In my opinion you are better off to not be living with him at the moment. My advice would be to leave him completely. To be honest his excuse sounds like just that. An excuse. The reason he had sex with that woman is simply because he wanted to. There was no sudden realisation of a mistake on his part if he continued to meet her. He knew what he was doing.

To be honest, I have been THAT guy for a few women in the past. Women in relationships who were looking to dabble and the one major feature among them all was they simple were not in love with there husband/boyfriend/fiance etc. If they were they simply would not have looked twice at me.

You need to take sometime to yourself, remove him from you life and give it some proper thought without him around to influence you in any way.

Can you forgive him? You are the only one who can answer that.

For my money, he is playing silly buggers. Everyone deserves someone who will treat them with respect and honour and he has not done that. Your feelings for him were built on a foundation of trust and respect and to be honest he didn't live up to it.

Just my thoughts.

missmatty

If it was a drunken one-off I 'd be inclined to tell you to hang on in there. But this was 8 or 9 times, before AND after your engagement. You must be in denial to be saying it wasn't an affair, it went on for three months.

Move out and give yourself some space to think for a while.

kowloon

Lucy Locket wrote: »

When I confronted my fiance he did admit to it, he said he doesn't really know why it did it, he thinks it was just he got worried that I was the last person he was ever going to sleep with and he paniced.

I've heard that one before, a friend of mine was the same, nobody thinking like that is ready to get hitched, he's already viewing things in a negative light. I don't think you can trust someone like that again.

Colonel_McCoy

Once a cheater always a cheater............relationships are based on trust, if thats not there what is!!!

LegacyUser

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

Once a cheater always a cheaterQUOTE]

I'm sorry, but that's an absolutely ridiculous and pathetic generalisation to make.

Coming from my own experience, I've been with my girlfriend/fiancée/now wife for 9 years now. 3 years into our relationship we were going through a rough patch and I'm ashamed to say that I cheated - I slept with a girl I worked with. I immediately knew I'd made a huge mistake, and told my girlfriend as she was then. It took a while, but she forgave me completely, and the incident is never mentioned. We've since got married and have a child and I can absolutely 100% for sure guarantee that I will never make a similar mistake again.
And before you say that I'm the exception that proves the rule, you're wrong. I'm aware of several men/women who have made the same mistake once and would never make it again.

So, in summary, think before you type - generalisations like yours help nobody.

Wurly

Ok OP, I really think you need space at the moment. See him when you go to your accord meetings but that's it for the moment. Your head would be melted with this otherwise. Your brain needs the space to digest what has happened and also to come to the conclusion of what your real feelings are on this.

You say that you were of the opinion that you would never stick around if someone cheated on you. What were your reasons for this? Why is it different now that it has happened to you? Sometimes love isn't enough. If trust is broken so badly, it's very hard to recover from. Part of love is trust and respect. He didn't show either by cheating on you.

For me, it would not matter if he slept with the girl 4/5 times or every night. He still strayed. And its not like his trousers 'fell off', he knew what he was doing, even if he can't explain why. Furthermore, he did it 4 times after the initial time.

You are engaged to this person. You both chose each other to spend the rest of your lives together. And his rationale for adding another person to the mix was that he was 'worried' you would be the only person he'l ever sleep with again. That smacks of immaturity for a start. Imo, you only choose to get engaged when you are done sleeping with other people. You don't decide to shag someone else before and after you get engaged.

No one can answer if this hurt will ever go away for you OP. I know you want answers now but we can't give those to you. Your best bet as far as I can see is to continue with your counselling and give your head some space if you want to continue with your relationship. If you feel you deserve better, walk away.

You did nothing to deserve this and I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.x

barbiegirl

Only you can decide. Not anyone else here. You will never forget. You might forgive. Thankfully, to the best of my knowledge, I've not experienced this yet.
What he did was terrible, he is attending councelling which demonstrates a willingness to try and sort this out. If he is really committing to the councelling you have a chance, if he's only there to satisfy you, you probably don't.
As to sleeping with him I probably wouldn't, I'd stay in seperate rooms or indeed houses, and try going back to dating again. This guy has a hell of a lot of work and making up to do.
Best of luck and which ever way it goes I hope you find happiness again.

Susannahmia

Op only you can decide whether you will be happier with or without this man, only you will know if you can trust him again. Myself, If it was a one night stand maybe but this was planned.

I know what its like to feel trapped in a bad relationship but unable to give up the person. I took my ex back twice each time knowing that it was a bad idea before I realised what I was doing to myself. You kind of feel like your life will be over if it ends and instead of looking at the current situation, always trying to get it back to the way it felt before. Maybe you should also go to individual counseling to try get your feelings straight?

I found this book quite helpful>link

LegacyUser

Hi OP, first of all I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. I'm going through something very similar at the moment. My long-term boyfriend admitted that he cheated on me for a short period of time before we moved in together over a year ago. I only found out in March, a year since the affair ended.

I moved out and cut contact for a while but we are currently working through it and I'm trying to forgive him. Like you I truly believe he is sorry for his actions, he's made a huge mistake and I'm satisfied that he will never do anything like this again. I know he is commited to spending his life with me but I'm not going to rush back until I'm sure it's what I want. I'm taking my space away from the situation because like you there are times that I cannot control my anger or frustration at what happened. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting over it and he's the one for me, other times I feel crazy with anger and feel needy or insecure about our relationship. My trust in him needs to be 100% before I can fully involve myself in the relationship again. All I can say to you is is that things are improving slowly but surely but that I realise now that if we are going to get through this it will take some time and if not, well at least I'm in my own place with my own independance so that I can move on if needs be.

Bottom line is that I think my relationship with him is still worth a shot, as you obviously do to. Counselling helps. I know for me I want the best life and future that I can have. Maybe that's with my boyfriend, maybe not. Time will tell. Take your time too, it's too raw to be making drastic descisions. I understand that it's difficult to move out again, not least because of what other people say/think but it will be even more difficult at a later stage. I know that one of the most difficult parts of moving out was that it became obvious to others that we were having problems so my pride was hurt aswell. My relationship had always been my own business but suddenly everyone knew that there was something going on, even if they didn't know the details. People are nosy and it'll be old news next week, theres no point in staying there just to save face. You will have a better chance of forgiving him in time if you're not confronted with what he has done 7 days a week. You might be too close to him at the moment to really heal. I'm not sure if you can find the answers you are looking for if you are living with him but thats just my opinion.

I also think that you need to address the damage that this will have done to you personally, outside your relationship. Being cheated on makes you feel worthless, insecure, angry and damaged. Thats alot to take. It knocks the confidence out of you. This all gets much better in time and lately I feel like I'm back to myself but I still have a way to go.

Many people come through infidelity stronger than ever before, and many more don't. Just trust in yourself that whatever decision you make in the end will be the right one for you. And don't rush it please. While a few months ago, you were probably thinking of wedding plans etc, it can wait for now. Give your mind a rest for a while and your thoughts will eventually straighten out. Making the right choice now will be one of the most important decisions of your life. There's no hurry.

Lucy Locket

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for your comments, sorry to hear that some of you are in the same boat. Lost love you described exactly how I am feeling. I have said so many times that I'm moving out but I just can't pick up the courage to do it even though I know it will be good for me. When I had moved out at the start, I was thinking of every excuse under the sun to call into the house.

Tri I wish I could explain why I can't leave now.....I think maybe the fact that I am here in the situation it is somehow just different....or else I was never really and truely in love in a relationship before him??....I wish I knew exactly..

Barbiegirl the councelling was his Idea and he organised it all, he really seems to be opening up there. He hasn't told any of his friends what exactly has happened, he only speaks to me and then in councelling he says he is totally ashamed of what he has done and he wants to work on fixing "us" before getting everyone involved. (his family know as I made him tell them)

Teaboy - thanks for your comment, you're a brave man (as I hate men right now )......but really thanks for commenting I'm glad to know that it has worked out and it is good to know that it can come good at the end.

I know the sex is not a good idea, I think I just get a bit crazy at times and think it will only be sex we've done it 100s times before....but I dont think of how I will feel afterwards...I think that I want it more now than when we were together....that weird...

Karen_*

Op I'm really sorry for what you're going through and I hope you get some peace of mind soon. You need to ask yourself if you can ever get to a place where you won't live in fear that he will do it again. Just because he's done this once certainly doesn't mean he'll do it again. I think sometimes when people jeopardise what they have or almost lose it then they learn a lesson and don't repeat their mistakes. Certainly anyone can change. Rebuilding the trust is going to take a very long time for you and your reactions are perfectly normal. If you beleive you can learn to trust him then give the relationship another chance. If you can't ever trust him again then you'll have to let him go and get on with your life.

MJOR

Also you can only take what he is saying at face value.For what its worth the counselling and everything else seems to be a big effort from him!

Only you know in your heart whether you can move on. But if you want to stay with him you have to put the affair to bed and move on.

jellie

I was like you & said if a man ever cheated on me id be gone, no second chances. but sometimes when you love someone & have been together a long time its easier to believe it was a mistake than to leave.

the thing is with me it was a drunken kiss (well maybe more than a kiss but not sex). & it destroyed me. but it was a once off. i personally could not cope with such planned & repeated betrayals. sorry if i sound dramatic here..

do you think you could ever trust him again? do you think you could ever forgive him?

one thing im learning lately is to put myself first, & to put my feelings first. you have to look after yourself. dont go through with all of this if you dont feel its right just because he seems to be making an effort. hes making an effort now because he suddenly realises he might lose you, where was this effort when he was hopping into bed with some other girl?

sorry if my post is a bit biased, its probably just from my personal experience. i know its not always the case, but once it got to the stage where someone was cheating i think it was over.

LegacyUser

I'm not as naive as to expect that every relationship in which two people are 'right for each other' should be easy - it doesnt work like that, its hard work, highs and serious lows, and in some cases, partners commit what to others is unimaginable. I was in your situation about 4 months ago, almost the same circumstances, same type of affair, same explanation, but no two situations are the same, only you can judge, knowing your own relationship, expectations and limits of your partner, and your own capacity to heal, it is these that will see you through together, or set you apart.

I hope you will be happy either way. I can tell you that staying together can work if it is right for you both, and if the work is put in. I can only tell you my side of it, and I dont think it gets said enough.

When I first found out my instinct was to run, preserve my dignity, cut my losses and get out immediately, but like you I had life plans and emotion invested in another; arguably little perspective, but that will come in time. Recovery from this is not a decision, it is a process, and it takes time. As sure as anyone will tell you here that time will heal a break up, only time and effort will restore trust.

Our first few days were the most up and down of my life, I was torn between wanting to punish her, wanting her to feel the pain she had put me through. It couldnt be right accepting a kiss, or giving a hug, how could I reach out after what had been done to me? So I stewed in anger, and she fell into apologies, and that is how we continued for many weeks until I got myself together and decided to tend to myself. You need perspective, which you will get from your counsellor. You may not realise it now, but it is not a display of weakness to put aside feelings like this - putting aside your anger is the bravest thing you could do, it will hurt, it will make you feel like you are letting him win, but it is essential.

Recovery will not come about unless you can talk through what happened, put it behind you and move on. And moving on means asknowledging your part in what happened. Dont get me wrong here, nothing you did could ever, ever justify him doing what he did to you, but the fact is his justification and guilt around what he did were always tied to you in some way, whether it was out of fear or dissatisfaction, and this also needs to be addressed. He will have to be overly accountable for his actions, and this is not a controlling invasion of privacy: trust has been broken and it is up to him to restore it through accountability.

What you need to think about is if you believe you can love him without fear, without the fear that he may do something like this again. You need to talk it out then put it behind you, the healing will not begin unless you can do this.

The work is on both of you now, and I wish you all the best. It is working for me, and I believe it can work for you

Lucy Locket

hopethishelps wrote: »

Our first few days were the most up and down of my life, I was torn between wanting to punish her, wanting her to feel the pain she had put me through. It couldnt be right accepting a kiss, or giving a hug, how could I reach out after what had been done to me? So I stewed in anger, and she fell into apologies,

Hi hopethishelps, thank you so much for your post - that is exactly how things are, not as much right now as I feel I have started to put the anger behind me, but there are times where I have not fully put it to rest but I am working on this. It's like if I do that already he has gotten away with it and as much as I want to move on, I don't want him to feel like everything is ok and we can go back to "normal" - what ever that will be for us now!

Being acountable for his actions has been a problem the last 2wks as he has been feeling like it is an invasion of his privacy and that no matter what he says I'm not going to believe him, but we had a good councelling session this week and he has come to see that it is something he has to do willingly without the huffs and throwing eyes up to heaven, so thankfully that has started.

Have you had much problems with family?? At the moment, I'm keeping away from mine while I go through this process, because they have made it clear they are not happy with my decission but they will stand by me, and I just find when I am with them, there are snide remarks and willing for me to go out and meet someone new. I know in their hearts they only want what is best for me but as I've told them I need to find that out for myself.

Really and truely thank you so much for your message, it means alot to read it, and I am sorry that you have had to go through it. I hope everything works out for you! X