Quickies

rocky25

A little kid asks his father,

"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks,

"Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says,

"Daddy is Michael Jackson God?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best of Stewie,
http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/best-of-stewie-p1.php

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says,

"Hi, there, good looking’! How’s it going’?"

She, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said:

"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door,

It doesn’t matter to me.

I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college.

I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding! I’m a lawyer, too!

What firm are you with?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.

The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on.

Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she’s tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.

Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,

"Is yours raisin too?"


"No," croaks the old man "... But it’s startin to twitch."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she’d hear at the office.

So one evening she went home and memorized all of the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke.

She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes.

I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do.

I memorized all the state capitals!"

One of the guys said,

"I don’t believe you."

She said,

"It’s true. Just test me!"

"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska?" he asked.

"A," she answered, smugly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and
he will stop snoring.


'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red
ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough,the dog stops snoring!

The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

"I don't know where we were, or what we did, but,

by God, we took first and second place!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says,

"First, I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him a medium fishhook.

Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,

so I told him he was going to need a boat,

so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,

so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said,

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No,

the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said,


'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

funk-you

Very good.

-Funk

kmart6

That last one was class rocky

Stabshauptmann

You never have any funny jokes, Im convinced you give yourself the 5 star rating every time. Dont, we know you think they're good. Let other ppl rate them

Hagar

Read the charter, negative criticism of jokes is prohibited. Please use the rating system.

patmac

Kaptain Redeye wrote: »

You never have any funny jokes, Im convinced you give yourself the 5 star rating every time. Dont, we know you think they're good. Let other ppl rate them

This is the humour forum it's for people with a sense of humour obviously not for you.