should I stay??

LegacyUser

It is hard to know where to start really..... i am married with two small children, the youngest is one and I have a dilema, my marraige is pretty crappy and I dont know what to do. I do everything around the house, even when I ask my H to put on the dishwasher or washing machine he forgets. I also am the main earner and do 99% of the childcare. My H has a bad temper some of the time and shouts (at me not the kids) and has threatened me (to kill me one time). This is not all the time though and I can do my fair share of arguing too. Our sex life is non existent, we had sex last in January at my suggestion. I have suggested it again but last time he just ignored me for the whole evening and went to bed early. We have discussed seperating but thought we would wait and talk again. However nothing has changed. I am so fed up, is this all I have to look forward too. I feel I would be better on my own (less cleaning anyway!). I get nothing out of this marraige. I feel sick from the tension and responsibility of this decision. And what about the kids? It is not all bad, a bit like having a lodger in the house though not a H. I just want a fair partnership and some intimacy, doesn't feel like too much I dont think. So, should I just hang in here and try to get things better? and how? or do I ask him to leave? What then, how do I explain that to the kids? any opinions at all please! oh yes, counceling is not really an option I dont think, we have no family nearby and cant afford a babysitter and a councellor...

Wibbs

Better advice will come along shortly, but I would say just leave. That is not healthy for you or the kids.

Whispered

I think your kids would look back at it and think how brave you were to put them and their needs first if you left.

If you stay, you are giving them an awful relationship to base their future relationships on. Kids learn about marraige through their parents. They need to know that if you are not being treated properly then you leave. Or on the other hand, they need to learn that you cannot treat the person you love like that.

You are very brave to be even considering it. Your children need you to be strong. Good luck.

Wurly

OP, this is awful and i'm sorry things have worked out this way for you.

If your friend told you that her and her husband never have sex, she does all the chores, she earns the money, he 'forgets' what's asked of him repeatedly etc etc - would you be jealous of their marraige? Furthermore, would you advise her to stay in the marraige??

You deserve to be happy. You are being taken for granted. You have already complained about tension and your children need a mother who is in good health. You will make yourself ill in this situation. And for what? It seems that you could do a naked dance with saucepans and he still wouldn't notice. That's not good enough OP and its simply not up to you to save this marraige. It takes two to tango as they say. You cannot do this alone.

Now to the next point - your children. I would just like to say that regardless of age, children are a lot more intelligent than we give them credit for. They feel vibes, they know the score. They know that mam and dad aren't really acting out a shakesperean play in the kitchen - they are actually having a huge fight which is making them feel scared.

Better to have dad visit and the air calm than dad live in house like a 'lodger' and the air crappy.

I wish you luck and its brave to leave. But I think when you do, you'll never look back.x

JuliusCaesar

from Accord website:
How Much will Counselling Cost You?
ACCORD is a non-profit organisation, but we do incur overheads in providing our service. To cover some of these costs there is a sliding scale of fees based on income. The cost of each session will be agreed upon at the reception interview. No one is turned away from ACCORD due to lack of money.

hopee thsi helps

AngryBadger

Based purely on your personal well being OP (and that of your kids) I think you would be happier if you left your husband. From your post it sounds like an awful situation, and that your husband is not willing to make any effort to improve it.

Your kids will be unhappy in this environment, at the very elast because they sense the misery between the two of you. In the long term I think they'd be better off with the two of you apart. There's no reason they can't still see their father as much or as little as is appropriate, and with you in a healthier more fulfilling relationship they would be more secure and ha[[ier in themselves.

It might also be the case that living apart might jolt your husband out of himself and into action when he realises how much damage he's doing and how close he is to losing everything.

One more thing, has your husband spoken to anyone? A lot of what you're describing does sound like depression on his part. Not trying to excuse his behaviour, but if this was the case, it might explain a lot of his aggression, and lack os a sex drive. If you want to give one more try to salvaging your marraige I would strongly suggest some counselling.

Whatever you decide I hope it works out OP.

Beruthiel

Wibbs wrote: »

Better advice will come along shortly, but I would say just leave. That is not healthy for you or the kids.

Short, and to the point.
In fairness, if you are the main earner and doing 99% of the childcare, what exactly is your OH doing? If he's out of the picture, what changes?
Nothing from what you say.
So, you can stay miserable and put up with the above,
or
you could just dump his thoughtless, insensitive, lazy ass and be happier in the long run.

My sister stayed with a bloke for 10 years who sounds just like your OH.
She worked, he didn't, too lazy to get off his ass.
She took care of their two daughters, he never lifed a finger.
He was a total waste of space and a milestone around her neck.
They had nothing and she was miserable.

She dumped his ass 3 years ago. She moved, got a house, takes care of her kids and because he's no longer living off her back, she has a bit of money.
She has bloomed right in front of our eyes.
She has grown confident and is happier beyond words. The change is stunning in her.
Not only that, her daughters have also changed, they used to be quiet little girls stuck in their shells. They also have had some dramatic changes and are happier, bubbly girls because of it.
Decide what is best in the long run for you and your children.
Yes, it is always better for a family unit, for kids to have both parents.
But,
when one parent couldn't be arsed, then in the long run they are no loss and will effect their children in ways that only become apparent later on in life.
Best of luck with your decision.

MJOR

Don't stay.... It's not worth it. He contributes nothing and still lives in a clean home. Pack his bags

barbiegirl

Again I think ask him to leave, this is not the right environment for you or your kids. Have a friend with you when you do this if needs be, especially if you fear his temper. This might give him the kick up the arse to apply himself, address his depression and maybe this time next year you'll be looking at reconciliation, maybe not. Even if you do go down the councelling route do it from seperate houses, for the kids sakes. Best of luck.

tiptap

Wibbs wrote: »

Better advice will come along shortly, but I would say just leave. That is not healthy for you or the kids.

You are a mod on here, you should be ashamed of yourself and this is one of the reasons why certain topics should not be discussed here.
You're right, Better advice will come about, but you should not have posted such a pathetic and irresponsible post.

From the one paragraph the OP has written, there is no way whatsoever we can advise on her leaving her husband. NO ONE CAN based on that information.

* When did things start going bad, was it just after the kids were born ?
* Have you spoken about getting him to give you a helping hand around the house, what has his reactions been ?
* A counsellor can pretty much be next to nothing these days if you seek the right help.
* Are the financial problems getting to your husband, can this be restructured to ease the stress on your family.
* DO YOU STILL LOVE HIM ? WOULD YOU LIKE THINGS TO WORK OUT ?

So so so so so many questions need to be answered, and one-liners like MODs in this case makes me furious.

Redpunto

Get out of there and get yourself and your kids a better life. You deserve much better and he deserves to be alone.

Pherekydes

It's incredibly tough to do, but you have to get him out of your life. You needn't be the one to leave. He should leave the house. If he won't you should seek legal help.

You know, if you throw him out he might just cop himself on. It's a possibility. (long shot). Either way, you're no worse off.

There's also the distinct possibility that he may be depressed and need counselling.

Good luck.

tiptap

Pherekydes wrote: »

It's incredibly tough to do, but you have to get him out of your life. You needn't be the one to leave. He should leave the house. If he won't you should seek legal help.

You know, if you throw him out he might just cop himself on. It's a possibility. (long shot). Either way, you're no worse off.

There's also the distinct possibility that he may be depressed and need counselling.

Good luck.

Yet again, the irresponsibility of the mods is astonishing

LegacyUser

All the above comments are correct and just to add mine get him out you stay where you are if that suits plenty of social support at no cost if you make the call.

Silverfish

I've been thinking about this since you posted it, and you need to leave. This isn't going to change, and it won't get better.

You need to leave, or ask him to leave, if you are the main earner and therefore presumably paying the majority.

It might be the case if he sees for himself how serious this is, that you are prepared to leave him, then he might see the error of his ways, however, I wouldn't work towards that end, I would work towards making a better life for you and your children.

Nevyn

tiptap if you want to bitch about mods contributions or anyones contributions start a thread in feedback.

Remember posters of forums other then this ones are just posters here on personal issues forum.

One more of topic comment and you will be banned from this forum.

tiptap

Thaedydal wrote: »

tiptap if you want to bitch about mods contributions or anyones contributions start a thread in feedback.

Remember posters of forums other then this ones are just posters here on personal issues forum.

One more of topic comment and you will be banned from this forum.

Can you send me a link for feedback pls ?

DenMan

Hi OP

Sorry to hear about your situation. This is not ideal for you or your children. You said you are the main earner in your relationship. This guys sounds and acts like a complete waste of space. Far from me to comment on somebody I do not know but OP you really need to look at your situation more closely. If he threatened to kill you then you really need to get out, or get him out of the equation. Working full time and looking after your family must be very hard and you would expect a lot of help from your partner. You certainly are not getting that at home. Is this an isolated incident or has it escalated over a period of time? You really need to get this matter sorted out quickly. Good luck OP.

adastra

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you. Your situation sounds very difficult, especially as there are children involved. I know its easy to say 'oh, just leave', but unless you talk to your husband and he is willing to make an effort to save your marriage I think walking away is the best option. The fact that he threatened to kill you worries me a lot. This might be the first step down the road to domestic abuse.

As for your children.... I know what it is like to live with parents who are simply not happy with each other. As far back as I can remember my parents were fighting and my mother was never happy with my dad. The tension at home was unbearable sometimes, it used to make me sick with worry. And as the oldest I felt responsible for protecting my younger siblings from feeling this. I suspect this is one of the reasons why I am now on anti-depressants and am due to see a psychiatrist in the next few months. Of course I'm not saying this is going to happen to your children but you have to bear in mind the effect it will have on them. When my parents seperated the relief was amazing. Myself and my brothers are definately happier now, as are both my parents.

Good luck xxxx

Todoquetengo

adastra wrote: »

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you. Your situation sounds very difficult, especially as there are children involved. I know its easy to say 'oh, just leave', but unless you talk to your husband and he is willing to make an effort to save your marriage I think walking away is the best option. The fact that he threatened to kill you worries me a lot. This might be the first step down the road to domestic abuse.

As for your children.... I know what it is like to live with parents who are simply not happy with each other. As far back as I can remember my parents were fighting and my mother was never happy with my dad. The tension at home was unbearable sometimes, it used to make me sick with worry. And as the oldest I felt responsible for protecting my younger siblings from feeling this. I suspect this is one of the reasons why I am now on anti-depressants and am due to see a psychiatrist in the next few months. Of course I'm not saying this is going to happen to your children but you have to bear in mind the effect it will have on them. When my parents seperated the relief was amazing. Myself and my brothers are definately happier now, as are both my parents.

Good luck xxxx

I agree with everything Adastra says, it's better for your children to get them out of the situation. I too like many other people grew up in a house with my parents arguing all the time, it's horrible and even thoguh I'd moved out of home bfore my mam finally got around to kicking him out, I still felt so relieved. So be brave, do what you know is right for you and your girls.

Good luck

Wurly

tiptap wrote: »

You are a mod on here, you should be ashamed of yourself and this is one of the reasons why certain topics should not be discussed here.
You're right, Better advice will come about, but you should not have posted such a pathetic and irresponsible post.

From the one paragraph the OP has written, there is no way whatsoever we can advise on her leaving her husband. NO ONE CAN based on that information.

So so so so so many questions need to be answered, and one-liners like MODs in this case makes me furious.

Your response is a little strong, don't you think? This poster called it as he saw it. Imo, it was short and to the point. I think its a wee bit OTT to say that he should be 'ashamed of himself'. Cop on to yourself and like Thaedydal said, take it to feedback.

Anyhoo, back on topic.

Some good examples posted which prove that 'staying together for the sake of the kids' is not a good idea. So OP, your decision should be based on your happiness and yours alone. The happier you are, the happier your kids.

Talliesin

Don't even turn of the computer you're reading this on. Go get the locks changed now.

When someone declares themselves a threat on your life, you remove that threat. Since you have kids not removing threats to your life is a luxury you cannot afford.

seahorse

Good Lord OP, think of this: What if you meet the love of your life and you're not free to do anything about it because you've got this eejit who doesn’t even make the effort to put on the washing machine hanging out of you?!

Wibbs wrote: »

Better advice will come along shortly, but I would say just leave. That is not healthy for you or the kids.

Personally I think this is the best advice you are liable to get. You need out of this situation; that much is clear even from taking a brief look at the facts. I mean, just take a look at all the things you haven’t got in this relationship:

- You've no companionship
- You've no support
- You've no communication
- You've no respect
- You've no caring
- You've no consideration

For Gods sake, I could go on, but I think you know yourself what sort of shape your marriage is in. You haven’t even got any wild make-up sex to compensate for all this BS!!! I too would advise that you change the locks - after you've fuked him out the door!

Dizzyblonde

OP your children are not too young to be affected by the atmosphere in your home. Please leave before they learn to behave like their father. Also, it's better to have no father than to have a bad one so don't hink you'd be staying for their sakes - they won't thank you. Plus, you deserve far better than this.
Good luck.

tbh

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

. Please leave before they learn to behave like their father. .

OP - read this sentence over and over again.

Loopy

Op, we have one life.

Nobody deserves to be treated the way you are. Its like having an extra child imo.

You seem to getting absolutely nothing from this marraige only grief. Be strong and end it. It cant be any worse than it already is. Involve family and friends and you will be amazed at the support you will receive.

Good luck..

RedXIV

tiptap wrote: »

Yet again, the irresponsibility of the mods is astonishing

As said before, its a forum of opinions, yours is equally valid, not better.


OP, A marriage will not guarantee happy kids. this is the usual reason that people decide to stay in unhappy relationship, they think it will affect their children. This is not true, better be happy and single than miserable and attached because your children will learn more from your moods than your marital status.

He's threatened your life, thats enough to get a restraining order. He's done nothing constructive, why do you feel obligated to stay with him? You deserve to be happy, so do what will achieve this.

I wish you all the best lass

Red