Boyfriend not interested anymore

adastra

Hi guys, I'd just like some of your opinions on this, sorry if its a bit rambling...

I've been with my boyfriend for about seven and a half months. At the beginning he was lovely, even a bit full on... he told me he loved me very early, he wrote me letters, bought me presents etc. Things were great at first, we went to Venice a few months ago and got on really well, but things have been going downhill for the last two months or so...

Now, I know there's a honeymoon period in every relationship, but surely it doesnt wear off after seven months?! He never asks to see me, its always me who has to say 'am I going over to your house tonight?'. If I don't text him to ask him that he will just go straight home from work and go to bed. He used to drive me to work every morning, but now he's decided that he wants to stay in bed instead. I don't have a problem with that, cos he doesn't have to leave for work until 11 or 12, but I just thought it was kinda strange how he stopped so suddenly.

Last night I asked him if I was staying with him, and he said 'well...I don't mind...if you want to', because he had to get up early to go work. I said I didn't mind, because I only get to see him twice a week anyway (and I've gotten up at that time before), then in the car he said that I was only doing it so I'd have something to hold over him, to throw back at him in a fight. He was half joking...

I don't really know what I want people to say...am I wrong to feel like this isn't exactly normal behaviour for so early in a relationship? He says he loves me but he's not really showing it any more. I've tried to talk to him about how he acts but most of it just got twisted back at me, like most of it was my fault. There's an age gap between us, I don't know if that makes a difference. I'm 23 and he's 37. Part of me wonders if this is just the way he is, and maybe thats why he's not settled down yet, because he pushes women away?

Any advice would be really appreciated

xx

Wurly

Hi OP,

I have to say, this doesn't sound too good. You make the effort if you wanna see someone.

However, you don't know what the reasons are for his change of behaviour. And there is no point in speculating. Have a chat with him and find out for sure.

Best of luck.x

MIN2511

The honeymoon has definitely worn off:(


Try this

• Don't text first
• Don't suggest anything
• Let him do the planning

And if in two weeks he doesn't notice then maybe you need to have a chat with him. But for now it seems likes he's relaxed and may feel very secure in the relationship

MJOR

MIN2511 wrote: »

The honeymoon has definitely worn off:(


Try this

• Don't text first
• Don't suggest anything
• Let him do the planning

And if in two weeks he doesn't notice then maybe you need to have a chat with him. But for now it seems likes he's relaxed and may feel very secure in the relationship

+1. Let him do a bit of running

_blank_

MIN2511 wrote: »

The honeymoon has definitely worn off:(


Try this

• Don't text first
• Don't suggest anything
• Let him do the planning

And if in two weeks he doesn't notice then maybe you need to have a chat with him. But for now it seems likes he's relaxed and may feel very secure in the relationship

No. That's called "playing games", and is childish and immature.

OP, you just need to sit him down and have a chat. Now. Not after you play these silly games and get him all conflustered as to why his girlfriend isn't texting him anymore.

Just talk to him.

Tell him what you've told us.

Martron

Hold on a minute!!! typical madern woman jumping down the mans throat. is there anything going on in his life that has changed since 7 months ago? you said that he has to get up early for work? he might be just wrecked!

if a man does not text he is an asshole if a woman does not text because she is keeping them keen.

i would not poanic yet. he might be fed up with work or something like that you before you feel the need to go out and buy a pair of shoes over this storm in a tea cup just ask him straight out and stop speculating about the problem!!

Beruthiel

adastra wrote: »

He never asks to see me, its always me who has to say 'am I going over to your house tonight?'. If I don't text him to ask him that he will just go straight home from work and go to bed. He used to drive me to work every morning, but now he's decided that he wants to stay in bed instead. I don't have a problem with that, cos he doesn't have to leave for work until 11 or 12, but I just thought it was kinda strange how he stopped so suddenly.

As others have said. Stop getting in contact with him.
I'd go further even, start organising to do stuff with your friends, go about your own life and have a good time. Don't call him.
See what happens. If he doesn't call it means he was too much of a coward to break it off and was just waiting till you decided you had enough.

missmatty

This happened to me in one of my relationships. I was a bit young and I didn't know any better so the whole thing dragged on and slowly died a death and he dumped me. I think he was being a coward and hoping I psychically got the message :rolleyes:

I would say, don't get in touch with him and do your own thing for a few weeks. you'll soon find out then if he's bothered or not. It's always very sad though when this happens, why can't people just be honest and communicate with their partners instead of freezing them out.....

Martron

missmatty wrote: »

why can't people just be honest and communicate with their partners instead of freezing them out.....

and you can do this by not texting him ???

how is he a coward. he fancied a "one off " blow out with his mates. these things happen . he was on time off. its not that bad. ok he left the op in the lurch but he hardly does it ever weekend

Martron

Beruthiel wrote: »

start organising to do stuff with your friends, go about your own life and have a good time. QUOTE]

Thats a good idea your life does not revolve around this guy. but as for this advice of freezing him out and not texting him is bad idea.... dont do anything beyond the usual but he might be having his own issues that he has not told you. i WOULD NOT jump to the conclusion that he is not texting or talking to you because he wants to dump you. thats crazy!! weigh up all the possibilities before you jump at the worst case scenario

MIN2511

DesF wrote: »

No. That's called "playing games", and is childish and immature.

OP, you just need to sit him down and have a chat. Now. Not after you play these silly games and get him all conflustered as to why his girlfriend isn't texting him anymore.

Just talk to him.

Tell him what you've told us.

I don't think it is childish, he isn't communicating with her. Maybe he needs his space, she should give him some!

missmatty

Martron wrote: »

he fancied a "one off " blow out with his mates. these things happen . he was on time off. its not that bad. ok he left the op in the lurch but he hardly does it ever weekend

I don't know what thread you're reading......

Bottle_of_Smoke

DesF wrote: »

No. That's called "playing games", and is childish and immature.

OP, you just need to sit him down and have a chat. Now. Not after you play these silly games and get him all conflustered as to why his girlfriend isn't texting him anymore.

Just talk to him.

Tell him what you've told us.

I'd disagree, he's not making an effort, if she sits him down he might apologise out of awkwardness. If she walks the walk she'll see how much he cares about her, which to me, doesn't seem like much.

dudara

missmatty wrote: »

I don't know what thread you're reading......

Stick to the topic please. I think he was referring to Beruthiel's post when he typed that.

adastra

hi everyone, thanks for your replies.

In answer to the suggestions about having a chat with him, last weekend we had a talk. I told him we needed to have one, so we sat down and talked. I told him how I felt and he pretty much fobbed me off, or else said that I was acting the exact same way he was. The next day he was more affectionate than usual (which isn't much anyway), and for the week things were grand, and I thought we were back on track, but then this weekend things seem to have gone downhill again.

I know he has stresses at the moment. He went through a tough time in the months before we got together, which resulted in him having to take on a pretty crappy job, whereas before he had a good one. He has since been promoted, but he has to travel an hour to go to work every day, and he doesn't get on at all with one of his co-workers. I understand how this would affect a person, and I don't expect him to be stupidly happy all the time. When I ask him how work is going and stuff he just says 'oh, its ok'... the odd time he will elaborate and tell me whats going on, but usually I have to dig for any information.

Due to this change in jobs he is also having finacial troubles. However, he's had this problem since we were together so I don't know why it would just start to be bothering him now. Of course, there is the possiblility he was just putting on a happy face for the first few months, so as not to scare me away. I have even lent him some money recently, which, to be honest, I felt a bit wary doing, but I know what it feels like to be that anxious about money, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I think its probably a good idea to back off a bit, let him do a little bit of the chasing, and then I'll see where I stand. I don't mean playing games, I will still text him and be friendly, but maybe I won't ask to see him, and see if he wants to see me. I'm going out with my friends this saturday anyway.

I really wish I was a mind-reader.....I'd love to know if he has genuine reasons for acting like this, and he still wants to be with me, or whether this is his way of trying to end it:(

MIN2511

adastra wrote: »

hi everyone, thanks for your replies.
Due to this change in jobs he is also having finacial troubles. However, he's had this problem since we were together so I don't know why it would just start to be bothering him now. Of course, there is the possiblility he was just putting on a happy face for the first few months, so as not to scare me away. I have even lent him some money recently, which, to be honest, I felt a bit wary doing, but I know what it feels like to be that anxious about money, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

This stuck with me...

You have learnt him money, he probably is beating himself up for taking it...

RedXIV

adastra wrote: »

I know he has stresses at the moment. He went through a tough time in the months before we got together, which resulted in him having to take on a pretty crappy job, whereas before he had a good one. He has since been promoted, but he has to travel an hour to go to work every day, and he doesn't get on at all with one of his co-workers. I understand how this would affect a person, and I don't expect him to be stupidly happy all the time. When I ask him how work is going and stuff he just says 'oh, its ok'... the odd time he will elaborate and tell me whats going on, but usually I have to dig for any information.

I'm sorry but this doesn't wash for me. I've worked some of the crappiest jobs on the planet and in those times, whats kept me sane was going back to the girl i was with. you work to live, not live to work. If he's lost sight of that, remind him. A guy that is going out with a girl, even if he has a ten hour day, and a hour each way commute, could afford to spend time with his other half. Sit him down, ask him does he want this to continue, if not, fine, if so, cop on

craichoe

You shouldn't have been taking lifts to work from him in the first place, if hes working in such a crap job and stressed out the last thing he'll want is to get up and drive you to work.

Get the bus.. what did you do before you met him ?

Karen_*

Adastra I think you should end it yourself. You should be with someone who's thrilled to be with you and showing it. Its the very least you deserve. You're carrying on from week to week trying to guess what's going on in his head and its making you miserable and taking over your life. Its eight months in, he's way older than you and he's doing your head in. You're not happy and you're living on an emotional rollercoaster. Let him go and the money you lent him go.

nevaeh-2die-4

in general do u keep texting him, lets say when he is out with his or pals or when he gets to 2c his kids for a half hour at the weekend??

When men are really nice at the start 90% of the time its just about one thing getting there rock n roll especially when the person there trying to nail is old enough to be there daughter

After that gets boring, they go back to there normal self.

Hence your situation.

I hope this info was of help to you.

lilly07

let him do the chasing, whatever is going on in his work life should not be affecting your relationship and if it was to then he should be man enough to tell you what is wrong with him and not just phob u off... He says he loves u but cant communicate with you proper...??

Stop texting to see him, dont ignore him but when you do text just text to say hi so he knows you are still thinking of him and then he cant throw it back in your face, like others said organise things to do with friends and you'll know then how he feels as he should get in contact with you wanting to see you and if not then you's may have a problem...

Hope things work out...

Recon

craichoe wrote: »

You shouldn't have been taking lifts to work from him in the first place, if hes working in such a crap job and stressed out the last thing he'll want is to get up and drive you to work.

Get the bus.. what did you do before you met him ?

Why not take the lift if he was offering to do it anyway?

Linoge

RedXIV wrote: »

I'm sorry but this doesn't wash for me. I've worked some of the crappiest jobs on the planet and in those times, whats kept me sane was going back to the girl i was with. you work to live, not live to work. If he's lost sight of that, remind him. A guy that is going out with a girl, even if he has a ten hour day, and a hour each way commute, could afford to spend time with his other half. Sit him down, ask him does he want this to continue, if not, fine, if so, cop on

Agreed. you only see him twice a week. Thats hardly taking over his life. At 7 months, spending time with you would be a way of relaxing after work. There are no dates to organise, no ironing your best shirt etc. you can just watch a DVD. If he is not much bothered after 7 months, what will he be like after 7 years??

You relationship has been short and is already dead. You're lucky this has happened now and ending it will be quite simple. Do try the not texting, calling or planning first though, but if this doesn't change things don't make a fool out of yourself...

WilmaRidesAgain

Hi OP,

This struck me:

<<I know he has stresses at the moment. He went through a tough time in the months before we got together, which resulted in him having to take on a pretty crappy job, whereas before he had a good one. He has since been promoted, but he has to travel an hour to go to work every day, and he doesn't get on at all with one of his co-workers>>

Ehhhh.....A BIG SO WHAT!

OP thats average everyday stuff tbh, nothing a big boy of 37 should be whinging on about. My gut feeling here is you need to observe how he acts and not what he says.

Mixed messages means no in my experience, you have sat him down and shared your (perfectly valid) concerns and he has poo-poohed you and refused to awknowledge his behaviour, been evasive and tried to twist it back on you.

This is classic passive aggressive behaviour, I would guess you are not going to get a straight answer out of this guy, however nice he was at the start, looks like he is showing his true colours now.

He might be even slightly enjoying your discomfort tbh.

If I was you I would put a time limit on how long you are prepared to suck up this b0ll0x and when it ticks past I would red card this joker.

LegacyUser

OP readin your post it felt like something i could have wrote. Have been feeling the exact same as you have, as if my OH has isn't bothered if he saw me or not. My head tells me not to mention meeting up but i feel if I didn't that things would just fizzle out until we stop contacting each other altogether.

I decided enough was enough, I wasn't going to hang about playing games- pretending I wasn't bothered if we saw each other when really I did. We always promised we would be 100% honest with each other and if we were having any doubts in the relationship we would say. We met (after me having to double check if he was coming to see me) and I told him exactly how I was feeling. I told him that I wasn't going to be the one to ask him if we were meeting up all the time anymore, if I hadn't heard from him by 6 or half 6 I was going to make my own plans with friends for the evening. I tried not to make a deal out of it because as I think sometimes people may enjoy being "chased".

I may not be the best person to advise here OP and sorry if this was a bit of a ramble but basically I've told him how I'm feeling and made it clear it is wearing me down and being 2nd best in a relationship is not something I'll tolerate anymore. I'll just have to wait and see how things pan out. Already this evening I'm dying to contact him to see if were meeting but if i did what I said would mean nothing. It's not nice to feel unwanted although I know deep down that he loves me, he needs to realise that relationships require work and a bit of effort.