Felt Nothing

LegacyUser

I'm a regular poster but I'd rather go anon for this one.

I've been with my girl for a year and a half now. It started off strong, though very complicated (she used to date a friend---not a close friend, mind you---so there was tension anytime we all met up). Then it started to fizzle, I got tired of her family---they mean well but they're very irritating. She was like them in some ways too.

I blamed myself for feeling like this, and believed it was due to bouts of depression. Thought i'd get better and see her in a new light. Didn't. Took time off work and everything, to get my life back in order----only for her to fall pregnant thanks to my ridiculouslym irresponsible self.

Inside I felt like dying---I wasn't ready to be a dad. I was on meds and all. But I blamed the dread on the depression, beleived I'd feel better. Got a job, moved in with her and her family, went mad (they really are difficult to tolerate), moved back to my mams with the GF in tow.

Things degenrated cos the job was really hard (all my colleagues agreed so I knew it wasn't just me). Plus I was no longer in love with the GF. I tried so hard to feel something but I couldn't force it. I told her while she was pregnant, I know, I'm a *&^%$. I couldn't pretend, she knew I was *&^%ed up over something.

Anyways the babys born and beautiful but me and her are no better. She's doing everything to make me happy but the irritations are there, they are part of her and I feel like a £$%^ for not loving her. And for creating a family that can't last.

What do I do???

LegacyUser

Felt Nothing wrote: »

I'm a regular poster but I'd rather go anon for this one.

I've been with my girl for a year and a half now. It started off strong, though very complicated (she used to date a friend---not a close friend, mind you---so there was tension anytime we all met up). Then it started to fizzle, I got tired of her family---they mean well but they're very irritating. She was like them in some ways too.

I blamed myself for feeling like this, and believed it was due to bouts of depression. Thought i'd get better and see her in a new light. Didn't. Took time off work and everything, to get my life back in order----only for her to fall pregnant thanks to my ridiculouslym irresponsible self.

Inside I felt like dying---I wasn't ready to be a dad. I was on meds and all. But I blamed the dread on the depression, beleived I'd feel better. Got a job, moved in with her and her family, went mad (they really are difficult to tolerate), moved back to my mams with the GF in tow.

Things degenrated cos the job was really hard (all my colleagues agreed so I knew it wasn't just me). Plus I was no longer in love with the GF. I tried so hard to feel something but I couldn't force it. I told her while she was pregnant, I know, I'm a *&^%$. I couldn't pretend, she knew I was *&^%ed up over something.

Anyways the babys born and beautiful but me and her are no better. She's doing everything to make me happy but the irritations are there, they are part of her and I feel like a £$%^ for not loving her. And for creating a family that can't last.

What do I do???

OP I really feel for you I was in the exact same position 8yrs ago. I kept talking to herself about it explained where I was coming from and 8 yrs we are married with two great kids.

My advice would be to seek some counseling as it helps a lot also talk to your GP about your meds you made need a different type. Your life has gone through a massive change and this is a very difficult time for you.

There is light at the end of the tunnel always remember that.

Wurly

Dude, you cant force yourself to feel something you don't.

End it for good and allow each other the opportunity to find happiness with someone else.

Be there for your child and honour your responsibilites.

pookie82

Hi. Telling her the truth while she was pregnant, although being honest, was probably not a good move. I feel for her with a new baby trying to make things work and to do everything right to make you love her. But as you well know, very often when someone is trying to make you interested again it can just highlight every irritating thing about them and amplify your unhappiness more and more.

How old is the baby? If you genunely feel like you dont love her now and never will, I'd try to resolve it and salvage some sort of relationship with her (friendship or civility) as there's a kid involved now and you both need to think of her and her future. You mentioned being on medication for depression - is your girlfriend aware of this? How about you sit her down and tell her that although you love the baby etc you're finding it very hard to adjust to fatherhood and feel like you need space. I know this may seem unfair on her and the baby but it's more unfair if you lead her on thinking she can win you over eventually and it's unfair on a child to grow up in such an atmosphere. If you are suffering from depression this must be an overwhelming time for you.

Why don't you suggest that she go home with the baby and spend some time with her mum. A lot of women in their first months of new motherhood like to be near their own mums if they get the chance. Assure her you'll do your fair share and take the baby for however many hours in the week etc - don't let her feel like you're leaving all the hard work to her, as I'm sure it's a tough time for her.

It sounds harsh but if you really think this is going nowhere and never will, you need to sit her down and tell her that no amount of effort, or you having a baby together, will change that. She'll prob be very hurt and angry for a while but there's little point in you continuing to live a lie. It sounds like your unhappiness and resentment will only escalate. Be prepared for a lot of people to think you're being very selfish and unfair and you may have a battle on your hands if she decides to get nasty and deny you access. You may have to suss her out before making any final moves.

You should tell her that your depression is making the situation impossible for you to cope with right now and that you're going mad in the situation that you're in. Be honest with her. Maybe she'll open up to you too. I hope that it works out and that you can keep a good relationship with her and your child and that you recover and move on.

MJOR

It's impossible to convince yourself to love someone. It works for a time but eventually it rears it's ugly head again. It's great that you have stood by her. It's important that you are there for your child.

Ultimately harsh as it sounds you have to do what is best for you. Only then are you doing what is best for your child.
Stop seeing the child as a mistake. It's a blessing and something to focus on.

Be honest with her. Have some time apart and see how you feel. You've had it rough there is no doubt but you cannot prolong the agony.

Take action but be responsible.

Abi

Felt Nothing wrote: »

Anyways the babys born and beautiful but me and her are no better. She's doing everything to make me happy but the irritations are there, they are part of her and I feel like a £$%^ for not loving her. And for creating a family that can't last.
What do I do???

Well, Im not having a dig, but she will have noticed how far apart you and her have become. Its not fair to her let alone you to hang onto something you dont want. You wont be the first, or the last parents to split up.


I think you should go talk to someone anyway. But you must make a choice. Is this something you want to finish, or do you feel like you've just 'lost' the love for her.. and it could be repairable?

I know you can't help how you feel. But there are three people involved / can be effected by your choice. So make moves, one way or the other - so all involved can get on with their lives.

LadyE

Tri wrote: »

Dude, you cant force yourself to feel something you don't.

End it for good and allow each other the opportunity to find happiness with someone else.

Be there for your child and honour your responsibilites.

I totally agree, be there (reponsibilty wise) for your child, dont be in the relationship for the sake of it. You deserve to be happy and so does she.

LegacyUser

The problem is that there's no room at her mum's to move back to. There's her aunt's but her cousin is a very difficult person to live with and a potentially disastrous influence on the baby. Plus there's a dog.

There's rent allowance but they only seem to cover cruddy cheap apartments and even then the allowance can take months to kick in.

I just hate that the tense atmosphere could affect my son growing up, all I want is for him to be happy and healthy. I love him so much and I feel so *&^%ing bad that I'm nearly crying here. I can't believe I let this relationship linger so long, nor can I beleive we weren't careful enough in the bedroom. AGH!

I'm stuck. I've poured the quicksand and jumped straight in and now I'm dragging her and him with me. The only way to save myself is to drag them in deeper. Or we can all float aimlessly, and probably be sad and lonely. God.

Victor

Felt Nothing wrote: »

There's rent allowance but they only seem to cover cruddy cheap apartments and even then the allowance can take months to kick in.

Talk to the local community welfare officer and see. You might be surprised.

Loopy

Op you really need to talk to someone about this. Its a horrible situation you are in and you sound quite desperate in your last post.

You have to work out whether her annoying ways are annoying enough for you to walk away from your family. There is not one relationship out there which dosen't have flaws - my partner absolutely wrecks my head at times, but I love him.. (I wreck his head too btw;)).

Your girl is probably up the wall at the moment, her emotions are most likely all over the place especially following the birth and also knowing that you aren't happy.

If you love her, I would say try everything to overcome this. If you don't you have to walk away now, you are only pro-longing the pain for you both.

Your child will ultimately be happier if he has parents who are happy (even if you split), there is nothing worse than growing up in a house with constant rows.

I wish you the best..

LegacyUser

I can't handle the thoughts of not seeing my baby every day. But I can't live in this tense atmosphere (I feel it's of my making, as she'd happily stay with me, but I don' t feel the same way)

This sounds so childish but I can't stop going over moments in the relationship where we could have broken up cleanly and gotten on with our lives. Like a broken record, they keep playing over and over in my head. It's like I'm desperate to go back in time and do what was right---what I knew was right even then but was too afraid/weak to admit and act upon. Obviously I know thats not possible but I'm going round and round in circles here...

maryjmul

Felt Nothing wrote: »

The problem is that there's no room at her mum's to move back to. There's her aunt's but her cousin is a very difficult person to live with and a potentially disastrous influence on the baby. Plus there's a dog.

There's rent allowance but they only seem to cover cruddy cheap apartments and even then the allowance can take months to kick in.

I just hate that the tense atmosphere could affect my son growing up, all I want is for him to be happy and healthy. I love him so much and I feel so *&^%ing bad that I'm nearly crying here. I can't believe I let this relationship linger so long, nor can I beleive we weren't careful enough in the bedroom. AGH!

I'm stuck. I've poured the quicksand and jumped straight in and now I'm dragging her and him with me. The only way to save myself is to drag them in deeper. Or we can all float aimlessly, and probably be sad and lonely. God.

sorry im not old but i sound it, in years gone by our parents were off the belief if you made your bed you lie in it it has worked for so many relationships im not suggesting this is the path for you but you really seem to be under a lot of stress from work and home you need to give it a shot move out with your girlfriend and baby you will gain a new independence say give it six months and if you feel the same then you will know its time to part, its so hard for young people the pressure is immense try to remember what attracted yu to her in the first place and be honest at all times you really need to talk about your feelings from her point of view god love her been pregnant and the boyfriend telling her that he doesnt know how he feels towards her must be soul destroying and yet you say that she is doing everything she can to make you happy sounds like a gem to me give it a go alone with her and your baby for a few months keep the families at bay for awhile and just enjoy you r new found independence will keep you in my thoughts xx;)

The Dudette

Or, you could own up to being the w@%*er that you are, stop blaming everything on depression, and stop telling everyone how guilty you feel (cus that's a load of crap) and leave me and my baby in peace.

We live in a world where people walk away from things too easily. Something doesn't work, you run away. Well let me tell you this - you're going to be running for the rest of your life. You will always be miserable, and I will have the last laugh because I shall be raising our beautiful little boy by myself (even as a couple I did everything on my own - you didn't get out of bed before 2pm on your week off, which you took to give me "much needed rest", as you told me).

To you, the grass is always greener on the other side. So I hope you enjoy the freedom of the single life you have given yourself. That's what you told your friends isn't it? That you look forward to being single?? Well go live it up, drink yourself stupid, have sessions with the lads (didn't stop you when I was pregnant). I have late nights too. They're spent doing night feeds with my son, hushing him when he's got wind, laughing with him when he grins, cuddling him when he has his bottle......and I wouldn't change it for the world.