Badly treated at home.

HouseHippo

Last year I lost both my parents and was placed in the care of my grandparents as we already lived with them.

• They poke fun at me and undermine me on front of my bf and friends.
• They refuse to allow me to have a key to my house at Eighteen(just went .
• They dont support my career and college choices.Deliberately making it difficult for me to afford Djin equiptment,wrecking cd's etc.Not allowing me to talk about art college or Djing on front of family. Call it "Just A phase"
• Keep buying me meat even tho I am a vegetarian and undermine my descision.
• Go through my bins, presses, read diary when I am out.
• Nanny comes into room and throws out things she thins I dont need like clothes she doesnt like, childhood toys etc. Moves things and forgets where she puts them then snaps at me when I ask her where they are.
• She even threw out all my mam's possesions witrhout asking me. And cleared out her room into a skip while I was in school. which i was keeping things in. She didnt ven ask how I felt about it.
• They think everything I do is stupid or just a phase they dont understand my school work.
• They talk about me as if i am the worst teenager in the world.I have never come home drunk, thrown a party in the house, brought home random boys. Been in trouble with police am a good student in school.
• they never turn up for awards ceremonies,school things etc and when they do they bad mouth me to everyone.

I cant afford to move out as my bf's job can be unreliable at the mo and im about tp do leaving and have no time to work except for djing gigs on weekends which are unreliable.

Its amking me depressed and angry etc....What can i do about them.They are so bad I had to amke points just to explain it!!!!:mad::mad::mad::mad::(

estar

im so sorry about your parents. It must be hard - and it was probably hard for your grandparents as well. Why were you living with them in the first place?

Do you have any other relatives to live with? Aunts etc.

I would try and sit them down and tell them how you feel - whatever about the name calling, they shouldnt go through your stuff or have thrown out your mothers belongings. Tell them you respect them, but find some of their behaviour upsetting. And if they don't respond to that, well then they are a bit heartless.

Something I have learned over the years however, is that not everyone gets the family they deserve. Some people are stuck with bad situations and little support. Its unfair. But you have two choices, you can let it defeat you or you can rise above it. You can say - this is not going to affect my life. I will get on despite and because of you. Work even harder at school. Get two summer jobs. Be all that you can be and know that you can do it alone! There are others out there just like you!

I am sure that now you are 18 you are entitled to a grant for college and the like. You will not be the only person to put yourself through college with the aid of the state. It is possible. And once you do that then you are free.

So put the next few years into that context. Perhaps your grand parents are going to remain like this, unsupportive and unloving. But you just have
3-4 tough years and then you will be able to support yourself.

Stand up to them if they insult you. Dont ever accept abuse - a simple calm please don't speak to me like that can help. It sounds like they resent caring for you and fear your growing independance - that you will be a trouble on them - were other people in your family disruptive of them? This is of course very sad and upsetting for you. you have your boyfriend. and more importantly you have yourself.

Try and find allies in your wider family to help and support you. If you need help making career choices then your school can help you.

JuliusCaesar

estar put it very well.

How old are your grandparents?
They may not realise that things have changed since they brought up their children. Stuff that was seen as ok then, is not ok now. (eg hitting kids, being denigratory to youngsters in case they might grow a Big Head - the worst crime in the 60s)

It's a horrible situation for you, to lose your parents and then come under the control of an older generation.

Do your best. It will end. A year seems like a long time now, but it's only one seventieth of your life. Concentrate on your LC and thing that will matter in the long run.

Are you a boy or a girl?

HouseHippo

Girl

karen3212

I think they are treating you as they probably would have done their own children. They are old and totally out of touch with the ways people can earn a very good living these days, which is probably why they don't see your interests as a way of making a living.

Also, they seem to think you have no right to privacy, some parents are the same, you know the ones who say your room is in our house, therefore think they have a right to walk into it whenever they want. I'm not sure if they would ever see it differently.

As suggested an Aunt or anyone older like a teacher you trust might be able to help you communicate with them. As a girl I would probably try talking to your grandmother first perhaps. Still I'd say they are pretty set in their ways by now, and may not even be able to change at all.

As mentioned once you've done the leaving Cert, you can get living accomodation elsewhere if you are going to college. It seems like you are at the age where your own space is what you need most, even if your own space is a room in a shared house.

Take care and I hope you manage to work something out

MagicMarker

Gotta say, i wouldn't live like that...

No matter what the circumstances, i would make the sacrifices needed to move out.

kowloon

I had both my parents in hospital when I was younger and had my grandparents taking care of me, an irritating experience. Still remember being ignored telling the grandmother not to put a tinfoil wrapped chicken into a microwave :rolleyes:.
It's unlikely you'll be able to get through to them although it is worth a try.
You've just turned 18, perhaps you have an inheritance waiting for you?
You're an adult now, I wouldn't put up with that.

minidazzler

Is it your Parents house or their house???

If it is your Parents house then talk to a solicitor. You may now own the house (after turning 18).

Tell them if they don't stop that you will sell up.

If that doesnt work then buy new locks for your bedroom door. If you don't know how to install it then get your BF to do it. After your Leaving is finished, I advise you get out of there as quick as possible because that sort of thing can be seerely soul crushing.

leesmom

hiya househippo,
i totally understand ur situation,my mum(single parent)died when i was 16 and i had to move in with my aunty.
it was just the most horrible situation ever.she treated me like absoloute **** and made out to everyone that i was doin everyting wrong,when i wasnt doin anything.a week after my mum died she told me that she couldnt handle me still cryin over her death:mad:
i was way too embarassed to bring any of my friends into her house as she was so rude to evryone.
i came home at 8 o clock one weekend evening and she went crazy askin me what the hell i thought i was doing coming home at such an hour(i was almost 18 at this point),she had a major fight with me over that one!:rolleyes:as a result of treating me so badly i started stayin out until she had gone to bed and leaving for school before she got up and when i wasnt out i would go to bed before she came home from work,just to avoid her,i couldnt handle the fact that she would start pickin at me over absolotely nothing and always when no on else was around so no one could witness how she was treating me.
i really feel for u goin through this,it is sooooo hard,i know.however i was lucky in that i had a great bf who let me move in with him,we then rented an apartment,financially i was in an ok position as when my mum got cancer she made sure to sort out money for me before she died.i also had the home that my mum and i had lived in before she got ill so when i turned 18 i moved in here with my bf.
im not sure how u could move out if u have nowhere else to go,but maybe when youve finished ur leaving cert u could move into student accomodation,maybe get a summer job and save some money to move out.
as regards your grandparents i dont know what to say ,all i know was it didnt matter what i said to my aunty,she still treated me badly.i havent spoken to her in nearly 3 years and dont intend to ever again.i know they are your grandparents but from my experience people that make u misreable should be out of your life,they only drag u down.
best of luck i hope u sort it out

davyjose

What happened to your parents' house? Why can't you move back there now that your a legal adult?

Wurly

Hi OP,

I am so sorry to hear of your circumstances. I am about to lose my father - I simply cannot imagine losing both in the one year. This alone must be extremely difficult for you.

You're grandparents are behaving disgracefully. But I would be 100% gobsmacked if they ever changed, no matter what you say to them. They are too set in their ways at this stage and imo far too f*cked up and abusive.

So, you are doing your LC. It's the summer now though - can't you get a job for the summer and save money to move out. OP, there is always a way out if you want it bad enough. You are vulnerable at the moment due to all that's happened. The most precious thing here is your sanity and nothing can buy that. You don't want to end up emotionally screwed up just cos you felt you couldn't afford to move out.

Congrats on the DJing by the way. I am hoping to learn that soon, even though ive wanted to do it for about ten years. I never had the balls - you do so follow your dream and let no-one tell you what's best for you. How about going onto the DJing forum on here and possibly build up some contacts? You never know where they'll lead.

There are loads and loads of rooms to rent at the moment. And because high supply and low demand, you will pick up a single room relatively cheaply.

The upshot of this is, you simply cannot put up with this violation of privacy and emotional abuse anymore. You will end up with issues that were not your issues to begin with.

Please please move out. Call on other relatives if necessary. Or im sure, if you spoke to your friends and or boyfriend about this, their family may be sympathetic and allow you to stay with them.

OP unless you want to become emotionally destroyed, you must leave immediately.

LegacyUser

are you in RElative Foster Care? Are your grandparents your official foster guardians now? If so you should have a designated social worker. Get in contact with him/her or (as you just turned 18 now) try to contact aftercare via HSE.

(I have a foster child myself)

LegacyUser

hi op,i had a very similar situation happen to me,my mum left me when i was 17 and i never lived with my dad i was on my own and didnt have a lot of resources because i grew up really poor and hadnt had a leaving cert,there was a lot of abuse in my childhood also,i spent a lot of time with my grandarents also and they too were very negative about my life choices,i had done a lot of art courses and went into ncad as a mature student-my grandad was annoyed with me for choosing art and the critism was endless...

anyway college saved my life it gave me a security i had never had before -as a mature student - i was 23 i was able to get rent allowance,a 6,000 euro grant per yr.,my registration fee paid(700) and all my field trips paid also,so for 4 years i was able to get educated,have some security with my rent and because i was an artist(painter) i was able to release all the hurt i had from my past through being creative...

im 30 now and my grandparents are dead and i have no one but myself-i thought i wouldnt be able to cope but after college i defined my identity and and really loved what i had achieved and who i was -(well i also did a lot of therapy too) but i was able to feel like i had my own life and i loved my independance....

i can understand your situation well and because you are still in school moving out may seem too far fetched at the mo but if you can start to get into your art and create your life there you will have some sense of freedom till you can move out....

when your family are being negative toward you remember it has nothing to do with you so try not to take it on.... wish you the very best xxx

LadyE

OP,

Im really sorry to hear about your situation. Dealing with your parents deaths, and now all this.
Id echo on trying to talk to another family member, have you any aunts or anything you can talk to about this?

The emotional abuse yoru going through is a disgrace. Your grandparents should be ashamed of themselves.

Sherifu

They sound like grandparents from hell. Move out if possible.

kelle

Hi, Op
I am very sorry to read about your awful situation. First of all, I am sorry to read about you losing both your parents, that was so hard on you. I lost both my parents to cancer 3 years ago, within 4 weeks of each other. But I was lucky that I was older and married with a wonderful supportive husband, and 3 superb aunts who I could phone any time of the day or night.

Have you ever gone for counselling? I went to bereavement group meetings and I found them very beneficial. Have you ever been able to talk to your grandparents about your parents? From reading your posts, I doubt it.

You cannot go on living like this. Your grandparents are very set in their ways. You sound like a very good person and they don't appreciate you for what you are. Have you any brothers or sisters? Could you move in with any of them?

In this week's "Woman" magazine, there is actually an article on parents constantly undermining their offspring even during adulthood - your situation reminded me of it. It said at the end that if your parent / grandparents makes a derogatory remark, ask them calmly to repeat what they said. If they say "You heard!", ask them again to repeat what they said. Then when they repeat it, you say "I thought you said that, I just wanted to be sure". It sounded good, I wish I could find the magazine now so I could quote the article word for word.
If you could stand up to your grandparents, you'd be able to sail through your LC year, but otherwise you'll need to think about moving out.

maryjmul

Hey honey your grandparents are old school nothing you say or do will make them change their minds sorry to say but in their minds they are acting in your best interest the only advice i can give is if you have any aunt or uncle or any other family member who can intervene on your behalf that can drive home your unhappiness to them they just may understand a little bit of what it is they are doing wrong,the upside is ,is that you are now eighteen and your whole life is ahead of you i left home when i was nineteen and learned very quickly how to be an adult and my family were great but still very possessive expecting me to be the perfect girly girl ,family's set very high expectations for their younger members as they want them to have the good things in life as most of our older generations struggled to make ends meet,bite the bullet honey in a couple of years you will be home free to enjoy whatever path that life takes you ,eighteen is a really hard place to be especially without your parents but they only real thing i can say with surety is that it will get better xx;)

HouseHippo

we lived with my grandparents as my dad was sick and my mum needed help looking after bth of us

Beruthiel

HouseHippo wrote: »

They refuse to allow me to have a key to my house at Eighteen

Is this the house of your parents?
If so, you are now a legal adult and entitled to your parents property.
Go to the solicitor who delt with your parents estate and explain to him what is going on with your grandparents and how you insist on getting your key.

They dont support my career and college choices.Deliberately making it difficult for me to afford Djin equiptment,wrecking cd's etc.Not allowing me to talk about art college or Djing on front of family. Call it "Just A phase"

If it's what you truly want to do, don't allow them to get in the way of that.

Keep buying me meat even tho I am a vegetarian and undermine my descision.

:rolleyes:

She even threw out all my mam's possesions witrhout asking me. And cleared out her room into a skip while I was in school. which i was keeping things in. She didnt ven ask how I felt about it.

My heart goes out to you.
It's not bad enough that you loose both your parents at such a young age, but you are treated with such insensitivity afterwards that there is no other word for it than appalling.

I cant afford to move out as my bf's job can be unreliable at the mo and im about tp do leaving and have no time to work except for djing gigs on weekends which are unreliable.

I left home at 19 and managed. I lived from hand to mouth, but the fact I was out from under my parents meant I was poor but very happy.

Is there no way you can find yourself a part time job?
If you have your parents house then I presume that has been paid for and your only bills would be food and lecky.
You are scared and probably think you cannot manage. You can. It just takes the will to do so and the freedom you will gain with make up for everything. Life will be tough, but sure it is for all of us at some time or other.

JuliusCaesar

HI Househippo,
I'm assuming from your original post that it's your grandparents house and that you haven't much if any of an inheritance. Also that you're in relative foster care.

Talk to your social worker/teacher/any aunts etc.

Don't talk to your grandparents about the career/study choices. Just go ahead and do what you want to do. Hopefully once you've done your LC, you'll be free to do whatever you want.

It's only a year........be strong. Talk to your friends, talk to your boyfriend. Have you any brothers or sisters?

It's a horrible situation. But don't shoot yourself in the foot by leaving school without the LC. Keep focussed on next June. Be strong.

MJOR

Sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I've been there and It's a hard time.

The thing about teenagers/ young adults is sometimes they seem stroppy and "full of ideas" to someone of your grandparents age. I think you need to take into account that they are also grieving.

Sit down and explain to them like an adult how you are feeling. They probably have no idea that their treatment of you is affecting you so badly.