how do i chill out?

LegacyUser

ok. i dont really know how to start this and it may be a minor issue but its becoming a big thing for me personally. the thing is, for various reasons and some unknown reasons even to me, ive become quite an angry person at times. sometimes i have my reasons, sometimes i blow things out of proportion and realise this later.. it affects me most at home because i generally dont get on with my mother despite years of trying.. we rub each other up the wrong way. this affects me more than i let on.. i wish i could have a normal relationship with her. we get on fine when im in college its just summers at home..

then theres my boyfriend. i get annoyed with him for stuff thats not a big deal at all and i do it quite regularly. hes forever tellin me i get annoyed far too easily which in itself gets my back up even more. sometimes the reason i get annoyed is justified.. stuff like he says he'll come over and then he doesnt etc. but sometimes its just unreasonable and i know this and i try to curb it, count to ten, look at the bigger picture, try and not let the situation escalate, and this works for me around half the time (or less) and then the other half is a big argument where im left guilty and hes left feelin upset and tellin me i get mad too easily. but then again when i think about it, he can twist it sometimes where he tells me im mad and i know im not- ill be just slightly annoyed about somethin or just plain upset. this happened there a minute ago and i wasnt mad i was upset about something a friend said and he started turning it around saying i was getting mad again.. ughhh....

but then i know i can be very unreasonable. i think a lot of it is from the constant arguing with mother.i dunno.. i dont even know wat advice i want from ye.. i want to chill out a bit.. i used to be cool as a cucumber.. i miss that. theres stuff that has been a source of frustration to me, its not just all unfounded.. stuff like boyfriend in a different city etc. i know ive to bite my tongue wit mum and its so hard.. i also know ive to majorly chill out with himself or things wont go v smoothly in the long run. i do try. maybe id like to know if anyone else is the same?

sometimes i get into these moods that i cant for the life of me get out of. they usually start because i dont like wat i see when i look in the mirror or becuase someones annoying me. i blow everything out of proportion start crying and have a big mood-attack and its nearly ruined nights out etcc for me (it tends to happen in the house before i head out) but
ive learned to kinda control them and they havent happpened in a while. but when they do i find it very very hard to snap out of them.( i think im talking in circles here, sorry..)

theres lots of stuff i havent said here.im feeling a bit insecure at the moment because of this issue and im a tiny bit paranoid that everyone thinks im this moody bitch.. but i know they dont! thats the thing.. i get called life and soul.. great craic, such a laugh etc regularly. i know how to chill out and have fun and im an expert at having the craic. so why do i get so annoyed about silly little things and why do i get into these moods?

sorry for the long post.

MJOR

No need to apologise.....

Right is there anything in particular that causes these moods, and by thta I mean pre menstrual or something like that?

Are yu like this all the time?

Can I advise that you think back to the cool as a cucumber stage and maybe you could think what factors were different to now?

Gone West

[waiting for mordeth to suggest something]...

estar

you can do things in the short term and the long term.

In the short term you can learn some relaxation techniques from yoga. This might be a cliche but they do actually work. This is something you can start right away. Walking is also very good when in a rage. Just walk it off.

Anger can be very destructive in relationships. It is good that at least you are able to assess its impact and are self aware enough to try and control it. Well done. It makes you irrational. Learn not to act in anger and rather to let it simmer down. Writing down and assessing what made you angry and what you want to say, and sleeping on it are good.

Personally I get angry when I don't get my own way or when I perceive that there has been a slight to my character in a comment. This is usually over sensitivity on my part. Perhaps it could be the same with yourself. A little lack of confidence can leave you going F7ck them when you perceive an insult where someone else would just go - I can't be bothered with that. Learn not to care what others think. As it really only matters what you think.

Temper tantrums - yes I used to have them. If something in work that I wanted to work breaks, I often feel like throwing that spreadsheet, the desk, the PC and the person sitting next to me out the window. The elastic band technique is quite good - keep an elastic around your wrist and snap it. It helps lift you out of the moment a little. Some people are born angrier than others. It can make you look ridiculous though if you are getting angry over small things. And it can drive people away.

Learn to communicate your needs before you get angry. Usually something annoys you for a while before suddenly its rage attack time and you are bearing down on someone menancingly. Just ask for what you want or need and talk about it.

For example - your mother. Say - mother - I would like more space over the Summer. Sometimes - right or wrong it makes me annoyed when xyz, could we instead do abc. And she gets to say that to you. The same with the boyfriend. Instead of having a rage attack, say - dont let me down please it hurts me.

Its all the process of learning how to manage yourself. I always say some people need to grow into themselves. There is nothing wrong with that. Calm Communicating is the way forward. Remember when you lose it, you lose the arguement, as the arguement will become about you losing it, rather than what was bothering you in the first place. And you will end up apologising and then losing the arguement and getting angry all over again!!!!

You are not the only person who gets angry. I wouldnt change having a temper, as it is my secret weapon. I can use it to harness energies I never knew I possessed to achieve things. You musn't take out anger on other people though. Do as you would have done.

i hope that is of some use.....................................

Nevyn

FuzzyLogic if you don't have anything constructive to add don't bother posting.
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

estar

Drink + Temper = BANG

be aware while you drink. if you feel a mood coming on, then stop drinking and start drinking water.

anyway ive probably successfully made myself look very scary now! but honestly sometimes the most peace loving of us, let things build up and then become pressure cooker like.

anyway good luck.

econ08

Try rating your mood everyday. Its quite likely you'll see a pattern emerge.

Do you ever find yourself full of enery, unable to sleep, talking very fast, spending lots of money?

LegacyUser

thanks everyone. right..

MJOR, well sometimes i can blame them on certain things like maybe stress at college or as i said before feeling unconfident but no, i cant pinpoint a certain trigger. i was always a pms sufferer but thats fiiiine because i just cry for a day as any normal woman would and it doesnt cause any problems. i think its just a few things that im not completely happy with in my life over the last year or two, namely, relationship wit mum and possibly boyfirend and long-distance.its hard to explain. thinkins back, i think things were a lot less complicated, while i have never really had a brilliant mother relationship, there was no man in my life. now that sounds bad, but i just mean that love tends to consume one a little bit and before (when i was cool as a cucumber) i didnt have that complication. in saying this, i wouldnt give him up for the world. NO! im not like this all the time, i have a great time with my friends and boyfriend and people percieve me as being good fun, friendly etc, and i have no problems being in good humour in day to day life.

estar your post was extremely helful, thanks so much. of course, i know in my heart i have to control it but you gave some helpful advice on how eactly.. ill def try walking and letting it simmer down- its been successful for me at times, but i guess i just need to master it. its great to know that im not on my own too.. i feel less of a psycho.. i HAVE tried to record 'episodes' as i call them, but these are more periods of feeling down, as opposed to rage attacks. sorry i know i sound a bit unbalanced.. i wrote down wat got me upset, is it really that big a deal, am i exaggerating etc. when i looked back at it it was v clear i was digging myself into a hole of lowness.that helped

but thats beside the anger things really.i will try and write stuff down.

i think you hit nail on head when you said about self confidence causing one to get v upset about wat someone says. has happened to me quite a few times. i dont really know how to overcome this. i was told some stuff while away with college that kindof veriied this for me.

strangely, my moods and drink dont go together. i wish i could blame it on drink cos then i could just give up drinking. but no, its nothing to do with drink. i dont drink that much anyway.

"communicate your needs before you get angry"- verrrry valid point, sometimes i dont say to someone (usually boyf) why im annoyed at first and then it spills out into this big mess. but i find it hard because if something annoys me, even something which im right to be annoyed about, he'll just go, you get annoyed soooo easily.... and then im to blame. obv this is ultimately my fault because ive given him reason to say this but it leaves me cornered. if ye get me.

econ08 : no, not especially..
i cant say i do. however, i think i will start to record my moods hopefully something will become clearer to me. sometimes i think i have the answer to everything (if i wasnt stuck at home for the summer, if he lived in my city, if if if...) but then it seems
like maybe i dont have the answers...

estar, i LOATHE the fact that i get so unreasonable and tantrummy. i absolutely hate myself in this state of mind. its the one thing i would change about myself if i could (even more than a flat stomach!) and the fact that i used to be quite happy-go-lucky makes it worse. i do however, recognise that a change is in order, and i know the only one who can change me is, well obv me. im gonna make a conscious effort to try and calm dow a bit. oh god wish me luck.....

ps. keep the advice coming its great... xxx

Dizzyblonde

OP you've got some really good advice there. Something that might be affecting your moods too is the pill if you're on it - some people can have mood swings depending on which type of pill they take.
I just wanted to mention it in case it was a factor.

LegacyUser

no its not the pill as i only went back on the pill there a week or two ago.

im after having more arguments with the mother there and she can be a very angry person and i literally was as calm but its very very hard in my situation because she is just so bitter and angry and i cant get on with her and its very upsetting because it wont ever be solved i dont think and for various reasons im stuck here for another month . boyfriend is here.it sucks..

she constantly interferes in every aspect of my ****ing life she has to know everything, she will get annoyed at me for very minor things, she'll get into moods, basically she makes my life a living hell.granted, i argue ad fight back but i just cant handle much more of it. i KNOW its a major factor in the original problem of anger and not being able to chill out. it seems like evrything she does annoys me and its gone on for so long now that i cant see anything changing,. the only solution imo is for me to never come home for the summer again. id so love to be able to come home to my family but it just doesnt work with her and me. as i speak shes slamming doors and ranting and raving to herself. acting mother martyr etc. were both as bad as each other though. tbh i cant stand the woman 80% of the time, which is an awful thing to say but its how i feel.

yes im very aware i just draggged another problem into this already-burdened thread but i thought i better write it in case i scream it! cheers for listening. again.

unfortunately, still dunnowattodo

estar

ok you keep sayin - i used to be as cool as a cucumber - when did this change and why???????????

you should address the self loathing. rather than hate yourself, help yourself. follow my tips, and then say - now im doing my best. im on my way. i like me.

focus on the positives of this situation - you are aware of it, you are open to change, and you are capable of change. and the changes we are talking about aren't that big. we are not thinking of changing to be a serene nothingness here. just a few coping skills so that your anger doesnt impact negatively on your life, and you get the results you want.

temper and anger are frustration and frustrated goals, and also possibly can arise from mistreatment in the past we didn't handle at the time. if you squash down emotions they all burst out all over the place eventually.

sometimes girls are bad at having and expressing negative emotions because they want to be liked and to be seen as nice. but instead of this learn to express yourself in a calm way and don't be afraid of the consequences. if you approach people in a rational way for a discussion rather than a row usually they are receptive.

be realistic. you are probably not going to be chilled out like some people who you might be comparing yourself to - first of all you have no idea what they are feeling on the inside, and secondly, we are all different and that brings variety into the world.

temper tantrums and rage are not attractive things. so as an adaptation of that smoking ad

lose the rage, keep the fire. its good to be a passionate person.

LegacyUser

well when i say that maybe im wearing rose-tinted glasses looking back..
i dont know i think i juts used to be calmer. however not in all aspects of life. it may have changed when i hit college and got the boyfriend. it sounds like im trying to blame other stuff but i just think things got more confusing around then. maybe not im not really sure tbh with you.

i think i only let the people closest to me ever see the moods. which is totally unfair i know.i know im hard on myself aswell though as u said and, at times, have very little faith in myself and my abillities.

ps. i know well rage and temper are not attractive! they can be hideous!

dont really know wat else to say or the moment.. im taking your advice on board though.

thank you