Ok, so I need to get him back - Help!

LegacyUser

Please can anybody help....

I'm so crazy about this guy, we were together 2.5 years and broke up last October, he broke up with me - I was immature, expected him to be perfect and threw constant tantrums when things didn't go my way - i got pissed off when he didn't drop everything for me, I went out of my way to make him feel guilty about stupid things, was always making him feel like **** and I totally didn't let him in on things that were going on in my life i.e.a major eating disorder.

Anyway, I don't blame him for dumping me, at the time i didn't even fully notice I was doing all of the above and felt he had been unfair to me - I thought i was a great girlfriend because i told him i loved him non-stop and bought him stuff.

The thing is, he is SUCH a good, honest genuine, great guy - and i just adore him

I really realise how I messed up, he mow knows about all my issues and has been a good friend to me helping me get over it.

Here's the problem - throughout all of this I'd say I have proper begged him to come back to me like 5 times, desperatley sobbing like a baby, it's never gotten me anywhere, I've only made him uncomfortable and driven him further away.

Ever since my "recovery" from my eating problems has been going well I've realised a lot, I've seen how hard I was on him and I really want to give it another shot. We're getting on reallly well now - he rings me every day for chats and it just feels really nice again. I don't want to ask him to get back with me because it's not fair to lump that at him again.

I'm hoping he feels it too, I want him to know how much I realise how crap I was as a girlfriend but I don't want to start that conversation because it might push him away again.

At the same time I don't wanna be this close to him if he's going to meet someone else....I know he's been on a few dates and he told me he doesn't feel like he'll ever meet anyone he connects with like we did.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I love him so much, i just wanna make it right

Thanks

L
x

MagicMarker

You treated him like ****, you don't deserve him. No excuse, even one such as an eating disorder, gives you the right the treat someone like crap, especially for 2.5 years.

You're lucky that he chose to help you through it. But if you really love him, you'd tell him to leave you alone and move on with his own life, because he obviously doesn't want to be with you, but at the same time he won't be able to move on while being so close to you. And that's not fair to him.

Who knows, down the line you may get back together. But not right now.

SarahSassy

Sounds like a cliché but you need to be happy within yourself before you can make a decent go of it with him again.. He doesnt deserve another half baked / troubled relationship and you need to make sure you are 'cured' before you consider entering ANY relationship.

You dont sound like you are ready for a relationship. You sound like you are lonely and he is offering you suppot, making your life easier and that you want him back to lean on... Have you considered counselling to work through some of your issues? I promise you, any relationship you have once you are happy within yourself will put all past relationships in the shade.

hussey

Why don't you be his friend for a while.
Don't do the "Oh pleaaaaase come back to me" it just looks desperate
show him how much you appreciate him as a friend and how good he was to you as a friend etc etc

slowly regain his trust? and show him you are more mature.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

You treated him like ****, you don't deserve him. No excuse, even one such as an eating disorder, gives you the right the treat someone like crap, especially for 2.5 years.

Actually the first year of us was perfect, issues arose after that. Also, although I do admit I did periodically treat him badly, I didn't only treat him badly - i went above and beyond the call my relationship duty for him too and he would be the first to acwknowledge that.

MagicMarker wrote: »

You're lucky that he chose to help you through it. But if you really love him, you'd tell him to leave you alone and move on with his own life, because he obviously doesn't want to be with you, but at the same time he won't be able to move on while being so close to you. And that's not fair to him.

I've asked him for no contact about 6 times, I've wanted to move on and let him do the same but HE has always come back to me, I've also begged him to leave me alone if he doesn't want to be with me but it just can't happen for some reason - so you can't say I'm preventing him from moving on

MagicMarker wrote: »

Who knows, down the line you may get back together. But not right now.

Yeah, he's always said we might get back together - now just feels good.

Also, someone suggested I get counselling, I have been in counselling and recovery for 2 months now - that's whats brought on all this change.

Anyway, thanks for your replies, maybe I just will sit back and be his friend and see if he wants it, it's not up to me anymore

SarahSassy

wanthimback wrote: »

I have been in counselling and recovery for 2 months now - that's whats brought on all this change.

Thats great and well done but 2 months is not long enough to provide any long term change or improvement. I would suggest you give it at minimum another 6 months and see how you feel then.

As for you asking him not to contact you, communication is two-way and as such if you genuinely didnt want any contact with him then there would be none now. I know you cant be rude and just ignore him but I do think your comment above is really just lip service.... If you wanted no contact then enforce it.

Karen_*

Can't really add anymore to what Sarah said, she's bang on in her advice. Work on yourself OP and if its too painful being friends with him then cut the contact. I know its hard to do but its fairer on both of you in the long run. Learn to love yourself and in time maybe there's a chance you two could work. Whats meant for you won't pass you by. Don't be too hard on yourself either. Sometimes losing someone or something happens to teach us a very valuable lesson and thats part of life and growing as a person. When you heed the lesson that is.

MJOR

Sometimes looking back we do so with rose tinted glasses..... He was great to be so supportive. However buying people things as you did and paying them lip service telling them you love them is no good. You have to SHOW them you love them.....

Just take a back seat.. If its meant to happen it will. Don't force the issue you'll only drive him away

Wibbs

SarahSassy wrote: »

Sounds like a cliché but you need to be happy within yourself before you can make a decent go of it with him again.. He doesnt deserve another half baked / troubled relationship and you need to make sure you are 'cured' before you consider entering ANY relationship.

You dont sound like you are ready for a relationship. You sound like you are lonely and he is offering you suppot, making your life easier and that you want him back to lean on... Have you considered counselling to work through some of your issues? I promise you, any relationship you have once you are happy within yourself will put all past relationships in the shade.

Pretty much sums it up for me.

estar

recovery for two months is a great achievement. However I think that the best thing for you would be to enjoy the friendship and not seek to avoid dealing with your issues alone by starting any relationships. You must be whole on your own before you can be with someone else with the drama.

Its time to learn to be independant for you, and I think this guy is givin you support and doing the right thing by saying no. Focus on recovery - and an appropriate time for you to start seeking out relationships would be a year into recovery. By then you should have the emotional strength to deal with the ups and downs of a relationship.

Be thankful that this guy is your friend and don't put any more pressure on the relationship. For the next year your main relationship should be with yourself. All your energies should be focused on that, looking at why you developed eating problems and ensuring that they do not re-occur.

all the best