Friend's a mess- what to do?

LegacyUser

Myself and my partner moved to a new city last year, in which we have had a close friend for a few years already. There were alot of factors involved (career, lifestyle etc) but he was a big factor in the decision to come here as we knew he was having a hard time and we wanted to be there for him.

About a month before we made the move we went to check the place out and were staying with him. He had met a girl a few days previously and we were delighted as it seemed to be going well and she seemed like a nice girl. However we hardly saw him that weekend and he kept standing us up.

We got over that and prepared for the move but during that month he made a visit home and never told us- he's a free man but it was just strange because usually we'd be the ones picking him up from the airport and spending the whole weekend with him. We went to his parents a couple of times over that weekend but the longest anyone saw him for that weekend was about 10 mins, his family included.

When we did finally arrive in the new place it was a Friday and he'd gone to visit her family for the weekend. They got back on a the Monday and called over for a little bit but everyone was wrecked so they didn't stay long. The next day I emailed him asking if they wanted to come over for dinner that evening and I got a mail back saying that he saw the way we treated his new gf and it just wasnt acceptable, the friendship wasn't going to work anymore.

Fast forward a few months and hes cut himself off from everyone and moved nto a house shes just bought. Other people received the same email I got and of course we missed him alot. Then out of the blue he calls my partner and asks to meet up for a drink.

She has given up her job and hes been really busy over the last few months ripping out and redoing stuff in "their apartment" and theyve had loads of "holidays" (when he was on business trips).

Couple of months after that we're visiting home and he calls saying that she's having an abortion, theyre breaking up, and can he stay with us for a few days?

So this is where we are now, hes been going between hers and ours and finding his own place since last week.

Bottom line is, my feelings are that she is a gold digger and a con artist (wearing designer labels on a min wage job begs the question- Has she done this before?) and I dont want to be a part of this siht anymore. How to approach it with him though? He also does drugs like weed and coke that I know of, sometimes alot.

AngryBadger

My gut response to this is not a good one, but before I get into that could you expand on why you think his girlfriend is at the root of this, his history with drugs, and what you meant about him having a "hard time" before you and your aprtner moved to the city?

LegacyUser

Well he's had problems of this kind with women before, and the city we live in is a hard place to meet people.

Feel free to be blunt- I can take a thrashing when necessary!!

We are just worried about him and want to help, but sick of being treated like rubbish whenever the latest girl has an opinion.

LegacyUser

problems abroad wrote: »

Well he's had problems of this kind with women before, and the city we live in is a hard place to meet people.

Feel free to be blunt- I can take a thrashing when necessary!!

We are just worried about him and want to help, but sick of being treated like rubbish whenever the latest girl has an opinion.

Just to elaborate on this, I feel like she is partially to blame because he is an easy target, earns alot of money, will go off with anyone who validates him, doesnt question his drug use.

He is constantly smoking weed and I honestly couldnt tell you how much coke or whatever else he uses- but he is constantly jumpy and paranoid and the remnants of white powder have been present on our bathroom sink since he came to stay.

AngryBadger

It sounds like you're all in your mid-to-late 20s at least?

And this isn't the first time this has happened?

I think at this point you need to leave this guy to his own devices. He's a grown man, and if what you're saying is accurate he's allowing himself to be messed about, to the extent that he winds up with this woman pregnant and getting an abortion. And you've tried helping him before, but this keeps happening.

I'd be inclined to leave the door open to him, but on your terms. I don't what your relationship is like, or what kind of guy he is, so you'll have to figure out for yourself how best to achieve this.

I don't know your friend, but I think what he needs more than anything is a swift kick.

MJOR

Be there for him.... but you need to let him know he i i the last chance saloon in terms of your kindness and hospitality.

Next time he pulls a stunt like this.... send him on his way...

The drugs will only make things worse so politeky ask him not to indulge if he is coming back to stay at yours...

How Strange

OP, I think this whole experience may be more of a learning curve for you and your partner than your friend.

You say you moved to this country to be near him and help him and he basically sh1t on you from a great height since you moved because he shacked up with a woman. And as usual the woman is getting the blame while your friend is seen as the hapless chappy.

Your friend sounds like a w*nker to be honest and regardless of how nice he may be at times he's proved he really isn't much of a friend at all.

You both have to realise that you can't 'fix' someone; they have to do that for themselves and unfortunately and tragically in some cases they never do fix themselves and end up far worse than they started out. But if you continue to try to be his unfaltering support network then he will continue to alternate between sh1tting on you and abusing your good nature as it suits him.

He's an adult so he is responsible for his money, his drug use, his relationships and how he treats his friends and family. Be there for him by all means but don't make your support unconditional.

LegacyUser

Mid to late 20's- thats it!

I'd be inclined to agree with you about the swift quick, but you have to remember that he loves this women and thinks that theyre really alike and thats why they keep having fiery rows- not because theyre not compatible and only met a few months ago.... and she's just aborted his child.

The whole thing is a bit weird because they did break up for a short while a couple of months ago then a couple of weeks after getting back together she's pregnant- maybe I shouldn't have left that out in the beginning as it's one of the many things that seems weird about the whole situation.

I'm just afraid we'll push him over the edge if we come down to hard- I really do sound like a parent but we care so much about him that I'd rather not speak to him at all than have him awol....

AngryBadger

problems abroad wrote: »

Mid to late 20's- thats it!
I'd be inclined to agree with you about the swift quick, but you have to remember that he loves this women and thinks that theyre really alike and thats why they keep having fiery rows- not because theyre not compatible and only met a few months ago.... and she's just aborted his child.

Mature adults who love each other would at least try to approach this situation in the spirit of co-operation. WHatever peoples feeling about abortion are, in this scenario what he's refusing to accept is that he's equally responsible for this series of events as she is. Regardless of how I may see abortion, I'd throttle this guy if he was a friend of mine and blaming his gf for having an abortion. Couple this with the other things you've told us and your friends sounds like a complete child. A child who needs to grow up fast.

problems abroad wrote: »

The whole thing is a bit weird because they did break up for a short while a couple of months ago then a couple of weeks after getting back together she's pregnant- maybe I shouldn't have left that out in the beginning as it's one of the many things that seems weird about the whole situation.

I find this incredible, if I'm understanding correctly, between them they managed to get pregnancy, she had an abortion, they broke up, they got back together, and (this is the part I find unconsciounable) they became pregnant again.

Your friend is an asshole of the highest order.

problems abroad wrote: »

I'm just afraid we'll push him over the edge if we come down to hard- I really do sound like a parent but we care so much about him that I'd rather not speak to him at all than have him awol....

I'd be more concerned about the effect he'll wind up having on the two of you, and your own relationship if he keeps dropping his **** on your doorstep. I can't be firm enough in the conviction that you should ONLY engage this guy on your terms. If you keep accomodating him every time he returns from ruining a few more peoples lives he'll just keep doing it.

The unfortunate truth of the matter is you can't change someone unless they want to change themselves, and this generally only happens when they reach a point in their own head and realise how much damage they're doing to themselves and others.

I think it's applaudable that you want to help him, but I think you need to be cruel to be kind here. Engage, but the second he's not playing by your rules, show him the door.

LegacyUser

No, they broke up once before and it was after this they got back together, got pregnant, she had an abortion and now theyve "broken up" again. He didn't force her to have an abortion, I think she just got sense after missing a few pills or putting holes in the condoms......

She wasnt working when they broke up the first time, and I honestly believe she just needed someone to pay the bills.

Harsh I know but she is capable of anything....

DenMan

Hi OP

Can you clarify this please. You said after she had the abortion they are no longer together as a couple? Is that still the case? It sounds like that. First of all your friend needs to know about the huge decision you chose to make to go over to him. Did the two of you give up a good job/career to help him out? You said this is not the first time this has happened to him, falling for another woman. He seems to the maker of his own problems and smoking weed/crack seems to be his way of dealing with his problems instead of facing up to them and learning from his past mistakes.

If he can't face his problems and is using both you and your partner then you really need to take matters into your own hands. If he has been your friend for a long then he should behave like one. If the roles were reversed would he put up with what you are both currently puttingg up with? I seriously doubt it. You need to encourage him to face up to his problems and responsibilities, if he does not then there is not a lot you can do about his situation. He is working you said, is he contributing to the house every week, paying rent, helping with chores etc? He should be, if not he is a hindrance to the both of you and needs to get his act together for the better.

You can only help him so much, if it throws it back at you, then he should seek professional help. He may have deep rooted problems from earlier in his life and could be very insecure and allows himself to be taken advantage of. Hope this helps, you should have an idea of what you need to do.

estar

he sounds desperately insecure.

throwing himself completely into a new relationship
and giving up all his own frienships for it, just to keep it going.

he has a lot of work to do.

he is lucky that he has your loyalty. but now is not the time
to tell him any home truths. let the dust settle. let him
rebuild a little.

and then after a few months, when he is more stable

have this conversation

- friendship is a two way thing. you dont abandon your
friends and they dont abandon you.
- you wait and get to know people before you commit to them.
and if you dont have common sense yourself about your choices
(he doesnt appear to have much) in partners then you rely
on your good friends to tell you the truth
- if you are already insecure dont use drugs.

if you are uncomfortable with the drug use in the home
- remember if he gets caught, you could get in trouble
if he is storing it at your house, then that is the only conversation
i would be having now - that he should respect your
choices not to have drugs in your house.

if he cant stick to that, then he should stay in a hotel and visit you

he is an adult. its time he started acting like one.
however let him pick up the pieces before you tell him.

LegacyUser

Thanks Estar, your advice really does sound like the best course of action- I will definitely use it if I can keep my head long enough for the relationship (?) with her to fizzle out.

I know it's very easy for me to say that it's all her fault for being pregnant but she has absolutely no interest in his things or his friends or family. Imagine going to see your partners family for the very first time and giving them the run around all weekend????? That doesn't sound like the behaviour of a loving partner and it's all a little convenient to me.

WilmaRidesAgain

<<the longest anyone saw him for that weekend was about 10 mins, his family included>>

<<hes cut himself off from everyone>>

The minute I read these, I automatically thought coke.

Listen, not being funny here but you wont get a word of sense or sincerity out of him until he gets the coke out of his system, some people never do.

<<We are just worried about him and want to help, but sick of being treated like rubbish whenever the latest girl has an opinion>>

You cant help him, Im sorry, he will just use you.
If I was you I would steer well clear while he is using coke, whatever nice guy he used to be.

As the coke takes hold he will just see you two for how useful you can be to him. Thats all.

Do NOT lend him money
Do NOT take out loans in his name/let him use your car etc
Do NOT let him stay in your place
Do NOT reccommend him for jobs where you work etc
Do NOT get involved in his love life etc

You might think you are helping him and expect thanks but tbh he will use you up and spit you out.

Im sorry.

RossFixxxed

Short version: Cut and run. You don't need to take that kind of crap from anyone. Do NOT let him stay at all, let him sort it out and live your own life. He's dead weight. Sorry to say it but someone like this can drag you way down.

R

the glass woman

OP be careful of the effects that this so called 'friend' may be having on your own relationship. It sounds like you have already put yourselves out way too much for this guy who seems to be using you. I know the drugs are contributing to why He's being such a sh1t but thats not a good enough excuse. I speak from experience here, as myself and my husband became best friends with a guy who basically used and abused us for want of a better word, while he had no friends and no girlfriend. We included him in all our plans, anything that was going down with our mates, and invited him to spend every weekend with us. In the end when our circumstances changed and we were going through some tough times, healthwise, he ended up acting like a complete pr1ck and refused to be there for us. After eventually finding himself a girlfriend he decided to cut all contact with us because, in a nutshell, he didn't need us anymore. And according to what I've heard from other people its not just us who's getting that sort of agro from him. The most important thing here is you and your boyfriend. I only realised afterwards the effect that including this guy in everything was having on my relationship. My husband was often hesitant and sometimes this caused resentment between us. And when the rows started this put increased pressure on our relationship. Luckily in our case it all happened for the best and we couldn't be happier, but i do urge you not to forget your own happiness and needs in all of your 'friend's' problems, as by the sounds of it he won't thank you for it.

LegacyUser

I gotta say, I think people are being quite harsh on your mate but I guess I bit of history with him is in order a bit... you must be pretty good friends if you moving there had something to do with him...

Anyway, sounds like he's had a tough time but he's one of these peope who only thinks of themselves... which doesn't necessarily equate to him being a bad person, it just means he's just not that empathetic... it's hard to say without knowing more but he cut himself off from everyone with an e-mail then out of the blue got back in touch - was there a motive there? did he just want to get back in touch or was he asking a favour at that point...

On the drugs issue... well, I don't know how what he's doing and a lot of people get into the drugs in the mid-late 20s (which doesn't make it ok at all and for the record I've always stayed away, but a lot of people I know have done a good bit...) when he called randomly did he seem like he could have been off them? Was this a sign of trying to build back a normal relationship? I'm not trying to say that it's just a phase but... hopefully it is just a bit of a phase not a complete dependency...

The GF sounds like poison to me... him cutting you off with an e-mail after you asked if they wanted to come for dinner? accusing you of treating her badly? (I assume you didn't)... it reeks of her complaining about you as soon as they were alone and turning him against you...

He could be stuck in a spiral and just doesn't know how to deal with it, with the ladies and the drugs - he's breaking up with the girl but he's on the drugs now... maybe when he gets away from her you can sit down and ask him what's up with his life? What does he work at? does he have hobbies - is there something outside of the relationship apart from drugs that he could focus on?

I know people are saying cut him off and maybe I'm just a sucker but I don't see how that helps anyone... I'd imagine the last thing you want is to cut him off then see him fall apart on his own... I would still try to help... oh, but I would confront him about the drugs in the house now... that's just not on at all, bringing that kind of crap on you - sure he's probably using because he's finding it hard to cope - girl aborted his child after all but it'd be worth trying to get him to cop on to the fact that it's just not right.

Anyway it's hard to glean enough from a post and i'm sure even people who would know you all well would have different advice... so that's just my 2 cents as it were...

LegacyUser

We're fine, and believe me there is no better person than him when hes single, he would do anything for you.

The drug use is a bit heavy but he's functioning pretty well. As for getting caught here its unlikely because the country has a fairly lax attitude towards drugs- as a result the people do and he knows that if we were home in Ireland he couldn't do it.

I know I'm saying appalling things about this woman but lets be honest, we've all been in situations where the wan has been a right thundering b***h and we wonder how they do it and if they get away with it

LegacyUser

Well I think we've hit a dead end......

Went to a festival at the weekend and he told us he couldnt make it because he was sorting things out at home and had to work.

A couple of hours after we got there we turned around and both of them were standing right behind us, dancing- does this sound like the behaviour of a person whos had an abortion less than a week previously?

He tried to make small talk with us but we just left to meet some other friends. We went to a cafe and had some coffee- I was so angry about the lies I couldnt even stand up, pure anger adrenalin rushing through my body- Then they show up there and he comes over to ask us why we were so rude to her.

As well as this we were speaking to his family the previous day and his sister told us that his gf (?) had been married previously for a visa.

We mailed him to clarify exactly what we thought and felt about the whole situation and he just raved on about how he had sent us a text but his phone wasnt working properly so thats why we didnt get it until after we bumped into him......

Any more suggestions or have we lost a long term friend forever?

LegacyUser

Just resurrecting this to see if anyone else has any suggestions?? He's back with her we think, we're just trying to cope with that now.....

MJOR

Well it does seem that he has indeed returned to her. At the end of the day it is his life and I amagine that he feels like you're interfering at this stage.

He's an adult and people that are outside the situation will always see things more clearly.

Unfortunately you have done all you can do at this stage and I'd be inclined to give him space. He clearly cannot see the wood from the trees where she is concerned.

How Strange

How Strange wrote: »

OP, I think this whole experience may be more of a learning curve for you and your partner than your friend.

You say you moved to this country to be near him and help him and he basically sh1t on you from a great height since you moved because he shacked up with a woman. And as usual the woman is getting the blame while your friend is seen as the hapless chappy.

Your friend sounds like a w*nker to be honest and regardless of how nice he may be at times he's proved he really isn't much of a friend at all.

You both have to realise that you can't 'fix' someone; they have to do that for themselves and unfortunately and tragically in some cases they never do fix themselves and end up far worse than they started out. But if you continue to try to be his unfaltering support network then he will continue to alternate between sh1tting on you and abusing your good nature as it suits him.

He's an adult so he is responsible for his money, his drug use, his relationships and how he treats his friends and family. Be there for him by all means but don't make your support unconditional.

OP, this is what I posted a few weeks back and I stand by it.

Learn from it, this guy is no 'mate'. He's in it for himself, he clearly has behavourial problems. I personally think that you and your partner are way too involved in his life. He's not a brother or blood relation so just leave him be to live his life whatever way he pleases. You talk about him like he's your son or younger brother and this girl is the ruination of him. There's two of them in that relationship and he's most probably every bit as bad as her so maybe ask yourself why you demonise her.

If you are going to be there to support him when he calls around and wants to snort/shoot up or do whatever he does in your house and freeloads off you then do that but expect nothing from him in return except to be bled dry.

LegacyUser

He is like a brother to my partner- and we've decided to stay out of it and keep away from him from now on. By the way he did have mental health issues before and may still have for all we know now- he was medicated previously

My head is telling me that he has to hit rock bottom before he can get out of all this, but you must understand that it's really hard to watch this happening to someone you love- especially when rock bottom may be a suicide attempt or worse.

His gf must be well aware of his manic state of mind and her behaviour is of one taking complete and utter advantage- and cutting him off from everyone who really loves him in the process.

seahorse

How Strange wrote: »

OP, this is what I posted a few weeks back and I stand by it.

Learn from it, this guy is no 'mate'. He's in it for himself, he clearly has behavourial problems. I personally think that you and your partner are way too involved in his life. He's not a brother or blood relation so just leave him be to live his life whatever way he pleases. You talk about him like he's your son or younger brother and this girl is the ruination of him. There's two of them in that relationship and he's most probably every bit as bad as her so maybe ask yourself why you demonise her.

If you are going to be there to support him when he calls around and wants to snort/shoot up or do whatever he does in your house and freeloads off you then do that but expect nothing from him in return except to be bled dry.

I didnt write that but I'll stand by it too! lol Look OP, your friend is a grown man and who he goes out with is his own business. He has said on more than one occasion that he feels you have been unacceptably rude to his partner and judging by your description of her on this thread I find that very easy to believe. It doesnt matter a jot what you think of her; you're not sleeping with her, he is. It's his opinion of her that matters here.

As for his unacceptable behaviour towards you and your partner, it is up to you if you want to put up with that - I know I wouldnt.

LegacyUser

Well you would probably feel the same way if your best friend all of a sudden became cut off from everyone he knew and loved- you have got every reason to believe that we havn't treated her well, but a few months ago, when he took us up on an offer of dinner one night, we all got on quite well and everything seemed fine. I even bit my tongue when she tried to blame us for the original problem, when we weren't even sure what happened. My guess is she's made it a fight between us and her. I'm human, and I'm angry at her just as much as him, if not more.

Aside from that it's hard when you have his wonderful mother on the phone upset about what has happened. She's a fantastic woman but quite ill over the last few months- it's heartbreaking.