could he really walk away so easily?

LegacyUser

been with a guy for the last 3 months and all has been great really. a couple of arguments here and there but nothing that could not be sorted. had an argument tonight that really should not have happened.

history with him is that he has walked away from people close to him in his past due to different, pretty serious circumstances. he tells me if i have something on my mind i should say it. now the last argument tonight was because i did say i was annoyed about something and i thought we could discuss it like he said i could in the past. but no, this blew up into a row and basically he gets so angry and says things like' i dont want these rows, i will walk away' so i said calmly albeit i was pretty upset....'you could walk away from me and never see me again?' and he said he could . he said he would miss me cause he loves me but he doesnt want these rows. i told him i dont want rows and reminded him of the fact that he said i could talk to him about things.

he said he loves being with me and loves spending time together . he said i am insecure, which i am but it doesnt help knowing that if we have another row/argument/discussion that the thought is always at the back of my mind that he will in fact walk away. that makes me more insecure.

what we have when together is amazing, we get on so well, he treats me really well, we have respect for each other , we fancy each other etc....but i dont want to curb my personality and be afraid to bring something up i may not be happy about in the future.

on the one hand im thinking maybe i should cut my losses and move on. i want to be with someone who can cope with the ups and downs of a relationship. but then i think about what we do have together when things are good which is 99% of the time.

comments please.

MagicMarker

I think we may need to know what you brought up that started the argument to be able to give you appropriate advice.

For instance, if you mentioned something silly and insignificant that didn't really warrant being mentioned in the first place, then i would probably be annoyed as he was.

I've been with women who would moan about the stupidest things, and it irritated the living ****e out of me!

But anyhow, in my experience if you're fighting often so soon into a relationship then it's not going to last much longer.

Sinfonia

fionaunreg wrote: »

he said he loves being with me and loves spending time together . he said i am insecure, which i am but it doesnt help knowing that if we have another row/argument/discussion that the thought is always at the back of my mind that he will in fact walk away. that makes me more insecure.

what we have when together is amazing, we get on so well, he treats me really well, we have respect for each other , we fancy each other etc....but i dont want to curb my personality and be afraid to bring something up i may not be happy about in the future.

on the one hand im thinking maybe i should cut my losses and move on. i want to be with someone who can cope with the ups and downs of a relationship. but then i think about what we do have together when things are good which is 99% of the time.

I think you should take this, and say it to him, if you haven't already done so

John Mason

LOL - you have been with this guy 3 months and already he is using emotional blackmail on you?

Why are you still with him. he sounds extremely immature. Tell him to feck off and grow and then find yourself a real man

jaffa20

irishbird wrote: »

LOL - you have been with this guy 3 months and already he is using emotional blackmail on you?

Why are you still with him. he sounds extremely immature. Tell him to feck off and grow and then find yourself a real man

That's not really fair seeing as we don't have the world picture of what these arguments are about.

John Mason

jaffa20 wrote: »

That's not really fair seeing as we don't have the world picture of what these arguments are about.

No, we dont have the whole picture, we only have one side of it but unless her BF wants to post his side, there isnt a lot we can do about it

At the end of the day, he is black mailing her. "if you say things i dont like, i leave you, just like i left everyone else"

Wibbs

MagicMarker wrote:

I think we may need to know what you brought up that started the argument to be able to give you appropriate advice.

Agreed.

fionaunreg wrote: »

been with a guy for the last 3 months and all has been great really. a couple of arguments here and there but nothing that could not be sorted.

Were these minor or major and were they really sorted as issues for both of you?

history with him is that he has walked away from people close to him in his past due to different, pretty serious circumstances.

OK so he has boundaries. Now it depends how obstinate he is over these but boundaries are good.

he tells me if i have something on my mind i should say it.

I'd agree with him there. Most relationships that get going properly end up going bad because of unresolved issues.

now the last argument tonight was because i did say i was annoyed about something and i thought we could discuss it like he said i could in the past. but no, this blew up into a row

This is not against you, but how did you bring this up. That cna be the major issue, not the subject itself. Like MagicMarker, I've been in relationships where the subject was not the problem, but her methods of addressing it and escalating it. Not just them either, I've been guilty of daftness too.

and basically he gets so angry and says things like' i dont want these rows, i will walk away'

Now heat of the moment aside, the "these rows" part suggests to me that those little rows before have not been resolved.

so i said calmly albeit i was pretty upset....'you could walk away from me and never see me again?' and he said he could . he said he would miss me cause he loves me but he doesnt want these rows.

In situations where unresolved issues kept coming up, I would be the same as your boyfriend TBH. Indeed I've walked away from relationships even though I was very fond of them for just such a reason. It was doing me no good, clearly there was an incompatibility between us and it was better for both if we split. Didn't make me care for them less, but I care for myself more and if I'm not happy, how can I make them happy. Now obviously this is a question of degree and how much work one is willing to put into the relationship. If he flys off the handle and talks about walking away, rather than putting the effort in, then I would suggest you should do the walking.

he said he loves being with me and loves spending time together .

Which is good.

he said i am insecure, which i am

Which is something that will push you more during rows.

but it doesnt help knowing that if we have another row/argument/discussion that the thought is always at the back of my mind that he will in fact walk away. that makes me more insecure.

Naturally of course it does which is not easy. The other thing is that he may be the type that likes your insecurity(to a degree or subconsciously) as he knows it keeps you close.

what we have when together is amazing, we get on so well, he treats me really well, we have respect for each other , we fancy each other etc....but i dont want to curb my personality and be afraid to bring something up i may not be happy about in the future.

I agree with you. You should feel emotionally safe with an intimate partner. Safe to be you, warts and all. At least in extremis. If it's a regular thing, or a low level background thing, that will be very wearing on both of you though.

on the one hand im thinking maybe i should cut my losses and move on. i want to be with someone who can cope with the ups and downs of a relationship. but then i think about what we do have together when things are good which is 99% of the time.

When you say cope with the ups and downs of a relationship, that's fine, but do you also mean cope with the ups and downs of you? I know men and women who expect their partner to take their ups and downs with no complaint. That's not good either. You can make changes in your own insecurity and work on smoothing out those ups and downs in you. If he still can't support you in that case then I would be cutting my losses too.

Wibbs

irishbird wrote: »

LOL - you have been with this guy 3 months and already he is using emotional blackmail on you?

Quite possibly. He could be using it as a control thing and her insecurity plugs in to that. Or he could be tired of the background hum of insecurity. Hard to call.

Why are you still with him. he sounds extremely immature. Tell him to feck off and grow and then find yourself a real man

A "real man" has boundaries too though. There are levels of insecurity and stress that you would be willing to work on. Beyond those walking is the best option.

all the stars

Maybe you should have a weeee think, your not toghether too long -
You have no idea really who he is after such a short time, or what could have happened him in the past that he will not Argue with you. Start learning to discuss calmly instead of argue and you should be fine.


As a kid, He may have constantly seen small arguements turn into massive beatings at home for all you know.

Learn from it. and of course after 3 months he could walk away from you - same after 10 years. Thats life, nothing is permanent or for sure.
I think at some point talk with him about why he does that, naturally i imagine he wont say too much. Just chill out...

LegacyUser

It breaks my herta when i read peoples thoughst that I should walk away, that after only 3 months we shouldnt be fighting. I dont want to fight, neither does he . I see it as gettign to know one another. he has been single for 3 years, i came out of a very abusive relationship of 18 months just before christmas. its a learning process for both of us. I dont want to give up on this but Im afraid that I wont be able to be myself.

The discussion turned into an argument because he is going out tomorrow night with an ex of his and i havent been asked along ( see other post..jealous????) I dont mind him going I just brought upo the fact that I thought it was a little rude of her not to ask me along too.Anyway, i was very calm and told him i trust him etc but then he started going on that I was making him feel bad for going out with one of his friends who is moving to australia on Sunday.

Petrolium Hat

Sounds a bit mad to be having this type of conversation after three months. I don't mean to sound unromantic, but if he moves on so what, 3 months a drop in the ocena in the grand scheme of things. He doesn't really sound like he's worth it to be honest....

MJOR

I find it totally unacceptable that he would want to go out with his "ex" without you, knowing you are insecure. Especially given his feckless attitude to his previous relationships.

On a personal level I would trust my other half to go out with his ex but I think he respects me too much to do it.

I understand where you are coming from in terms of wanting to stay with him.... Its sounds like there are many good factors in the relationship.

If its for you..... It'll work out.

LegacyUser

Ok well I text him this morning to say' i dont want to fight, give me a chance to prove I am a cool gf.what we have is amazing 99% of the time and I want to be with you but this is a learnign thing for both of us'. he wrote back saying he hopes that things will eb ok with us and that he is so happy when things are good with us, that its the best feeling ever'.

Now, should i just leave him be to calm down? I have decided I am going to go away saturday morning until Monday. going to go and stay with friends over in Galway. Is thsi a good idea to have a little breather?

estar

sounds like he has some baggage

everyone rows. its healthy. you get annoyed
you sort it you you make up.

you shouldnt have to worry about losing someone all the
time = blackmail.

talk to him about your fears. tell him you want the freedom
to be yourself, and to have a disagreement - surely
ye can disagree and sort it out without breaking up

are you meant to agree with him for the rest of your life

it doesnt matter what you rowed about.
having a row without breaking up is a very important skill
you and he both need to learn.

estar

and yes it was a little rude of the ex. but nothing to be worried about.
what i would be worried about is how easy he is able to go say next!

he seems a little controlling and already has you going - oh let me prove myself that im cool????????????? can't you see he is setting himself up
to always get his own way?

is that really the precedent you want to set for your rows? you disagree with him he says right im off, and you say - oh no darling - whatever you want?

compromise.

the compromise here is that he comes over to your house after the dinner party. or some such compromise.

and the disagreements. if he cant accept that oh, all the time, there is potential for you to have an opinion on things and want to discuss it
then - seriously - get rid of him. it can be a discussion without being a disagreement.

maybe he has a difficult past history of relationships. but i can tell you
if he did that - oh im breaking up with you because you dont worship me
and agree with me all the time routine again - id say- grand so.

been there done that. not worth it.

AngryBadger

OP I feel a little differently about this to msot of the psoters here.

From what you've described, and having read your other thread on jealously, I think your bf is largely in the right.

Encouraging you to come and talk to him about things indicates that he would like an open relationship where you communicate with each other. But as Wibbs pointed out he obviously has boundaries, and you know that he's "walked away" from people before.

FIrst off, exactly what kind of people/relationships are we talking about? Are you talking about past gfs, relatives, friends, family? This is important since it gives us a yardstick, as it stands I don't really find this terribly significant since in the past I've walked away from friends and thought little of it because I felt that was the only option available to me.

Why did you say;

fionaunreg wrote:

you could walk away from me and never see me again

I don't know how you meant it, but if a gf said that to me I'd view it as a threat. I'd assume that what she mean was that if I walked away she'd break up with me. Your bf encouraged you to come to him with things thjat were bothering you, then when ye had a row about one of those things he said;

fionaunreg wrote:

i dont want these rows, i will walk away

If I felt someone was being unreasonable and causing a massive row I'd also respond like this. But I'd mean that I would just walk away from the row, and not from the relationship. I think that's what he meant to.

Actually the more I type and re-read your post the more I feel it's your insecurity that's causing the problem here. It seems to me that your bf is being very reasonable. I read the jealousy thread, and you basically started a row because he was seeing an ex that he was now good friends with who was also moving away. I think that was a fairly poor reason for an argument, and I'd have reacted the same way he did if you brought that up with me.

I'd suggest you take a look at yourself and your own insecurities if you want this to work OP, and place less of the blame on your bf.

Liam Byrne

fionaunreg wrote: »

I dont mind him going I just brought upo the fact that I thought it was a little rude of her not to ask me along too.Anyway, i was very calm and told him i trust him etc but then he started going on that I was making him feel bad for going out with one of his friends who is moving to australia on Sunday.

So, if I can summarise:

1) SHE did the inviting. So it's not like HE didn't invite you
2) She's moving to Oz, and he's going for a few drinks with her; because she didn't invite you, he doesn't think he should, but because she's off for a year or whatever he still wants to go
3) You said "I trust you" (which implies that you think there's something that you might need to say this about.....).

Don't want to be lousy, but if he's been getting an insecurity vibe off you, then there's a situation that he has little control over, you're giving him grief about it, and then you're overlaying the insecurity.

I can kinda see where he's p'd off about it.

Not saying he's 100% right, or having a go at you, OP, but I can definitely see where he's coming from. Drop the insecurity/jealousy or you WILL lose him.

He could be using "emotional blackmail", as suggested above, but he could equally be following his own rules about saying it like it is. Being 100% honest is the best approach when it works, but if it causes clashes - you highlighting an insecurity, him saying he can't handle it - then it's going to cause problems, which might imply that you two are not - at least at the moment - compatible.

LegacyUser

Angry Badger, he meant that he would walk away from the relationship. thats what frightens me so much.

I will be the first to admit that I am insecure but it makes me more insecure to know he would walk away from 'us' if he hears something he doesnt like.

I have tried counsellign and psychotherapy.....what else can i do?

Gina Brel

He is the insecure one from where I'm looking.What a fecker.Right, most of us at the end of the day have insecurities but clearly he is manipulating and playing on yours .It will only get worse.If he's treating you like this now after only 3 months what will it be like a year from now.
You have a choice to move on or stay with someone who from your post is undermining you and disrespectful of you.Where is the love?

Gina Brel

Jayney mack Liam thats a bit simplistic about dropping the insecurity etc.Personally I think it would help if she did lose him.He is I repeat a knob!!!!!!

Gina Brel

Right Lads am off to drop my insecurities off at the local P.O.Hope they will accept.I bid Adieu

AngryBadger

I don't agree that the bf is being a prick.

The only argument we have information on is the one involving him being invited to dinner with his ex, who he is now good friends with, and who is moving away. Seems completely reasonable to me that she wanted to meet him before she left, without his current gf. Doesn't automatically mean he's a conniving bastard, or that his current gf has the right to demand he cease all contact with his ex jsut because she's insecure.

So what I'm saying is that based on the one argument we have detailed information on, I think the OP was in the wrong, and I can understand why her bf for so frustrated. OK so he was saying he'd leave the relationship if these arguments continued, I would feel the same in his shoes.

I also note that the OP says they've had several arguments over the last 3 months, for a couple only starting out that doesn't sound healthy to me, and I have to wonder where these arguments are coming from when they're apparently in such a fantastic relationship "99%" of the time. Are they similar arguments to that described above?

Also, if he was such a manipulating bastard why would he encourage her to come to him with problems between them?

And finally, he doesn't want to be arguing all the time for whatever reason. The OP feels insecure, for whatever reason.

And a lot of posters are automatically jumping on the idea that HE should be the one to change, when we all know a relationship is a 2-way street.

OP I don't know which of you is at fault, but based on what you've posted here I have to say I can understand where your bf is coming from. Particularly if many of your arguments are similar in substance to you getting annoyed about him meeting his ex.

Obviously there's more to this than what I'm getting here, but based purely on what you've said here I think the best I can say is that you're BOTH at fault. Hey may need to be more sensitive, and you may need to ask yourself how fair is it that you think he should stay around in spite of arguments that he may feel are unecessary.

Liam Byrne

Gina Brel wrote: »

Jayney mack Liam thats a bit simplistic about dropping the insecurity etc.Personally I think it would help if she did lose him.He is I repeat a knob!!!!!!

Maybe I do devil's advocate too well.

Sorry if it was a bit harsh, and maybe there is something that he's doing that is triggering the insecurity to new levels.

But what I meant was intended as a wake-up call; regardless of whether or not he said it (and if my summation is right - I'm not a mind-reader) she will lose him anyway.

Whether or not that's a good thing (i.e. if they're simply not suited it'd be the best thing ever) is wide open, but the fact is that if he hasn't done anything to deserve this, then it will quickly be over.

Plus the fact that the OP is so invested in something that obviously isn't making her happy and secure implies that there is an issue there.

P.S. I have the t-shirt from one of these situations, where someone made me second-guess her every move. Part of it was me, but most of it was her unpredictability (she had her own reasons too). It took me ages to regain my self-respect, know who was at fault for what, realise that I was partly at fault for putting up with it, and coming out of it knowing my limits for future (i.e. current) reference. So, if my summation was correct, I could easily react in a similar manner to the OP's b/f as a result; it can be viewed as a "threat", or it can be viewed as a statement of fact, facing up to reality that you are simply not suited.

It's not only relatively "easy" to walk after 3 months - it's required if things are bad. I didn't view it as that easy once, and it cost me dearly when the penny dropped. But I'm way happier and more balanced now.

MagicMarker

Yep, sorry OP, you were in the wrong.

It's not like he's going on a romantic dinner date with his ex, he's going to be among her friends and family to say goodbye to her.

Unfortunately, inecurity is a very unattractive trait, you brought up something that didn't need to be brought up and like i said, doing that to a guy will drive him insane. I completely agree that if someone were to do that on a regular basis, i'd walk away too.

You say you can't believe he could do that, well regardless of how he feels about you his sanity probably means more to him.

You say you just got out of an 18 month abusive relationship before Xmas, and you've been in this relationship for 3 months. Leaving only 3 months of being single. To be honest, that's very little time to recover from an abusive relationship. In my experience, insecure girls tend to jump into relationships too quickly, and they also tend to fall in 'love' very quickly.

Sorry to say, but i think the only way to deal with your insecurities is to deal with them head on and alone.

fionaunreg

fionaunreg wrote: »

Angry Badger, he meant that he would walk away from the relationship. thats what frightens me so much.

I will be the first to admit that I am insecure but it makes me more insecure to know he would walk away from 'us' if he hears something he doesnt like.

I have tried counsellign and psychotherapy.....what else can i do?

Look.
theres no such thing as "Walking away" in a relationship thats only 3 months long.
People aren't joined at the hip just because they get on for a few weeks.
3months is a common length for being described as almost just a fling.

If it's not working now...imagine how it would be in 3 years time if by some miracle ye kept together for convenience or something.

What else can you do?
Realise that billions of people the world over have several 3 month,5 month or 1 month relationships before they settle down for a longer one.

Try trial and error for a while with a few blokes and you should get used to the fact that if it's meant to be it's meant to be

estar

he is trying to control her reactions to be what he wants by using the ill walk away card.

and that is not acceptable. He can see that the OP is a little vulnerable to being left and a little insecure and is using this against her rather than listening to her and trying to work with her on an acceptable compromise.

if this was me and my boyf, i would think it was really rude, I would let him go, and not have a row over it, but he would be coming over to my house after the dinner. And I personally wouldnt have this situation happen if the situation was reversed and I was having dinner at an exes house.

It is not really mannerly.

His reaction is way off - I dont want to fight - if you dont stop arguing with me I'm leaving.

Now isnt that a great way of getting your own way in fights all the time if you are going out with an insecure girl who doesn't want to lose you?

LegacyUser

CAN I LOCK THIS THREAD NOW PLEASE?