Problems with Mother - At a loss

LegacyUser

Where do I start...
My mother is angry, very very very angry and incredibly stubborn. She is the only person I know who can never admit when she is wrong....She's married (god knows how) to my dad who is a really lovely gentle man.
However, she hates men and she is constantly abusing my father (verbally) in the most horrible ways. He would pretty much do anything for her but nothing is good enough. She is constantly giving him grief basically complaining about everything....

I'm in my late thirties and in the early stages of a relationship. She has been fairly rude/dismissive of my other half and has made it clear that in her opinion, I will be getting rid of him soon coz he's another one of 'them' i.e. men. So I've been keeping him away from my family pretty much. I can deal with that part but I do want to have some kind of relationship with my mother.

But at the moment I can't bear being around her because she is so negative all the time and so nasty. When I try to talk to her about it she denies that she is doing anything wrong and says things like 'I'm always right and never wrong'. This even sounds ridiculous as I read back on it but its not, its quite serious and getting to the point where I just don't know what to do.

Is there some kind of intervention I could organise with a counselor or something? I just can't get through to her and I've tried the gentle approach to the more aggressive approach but nothing will shift her and she is making everyones lives a misery.

ntlbell

Ask her out for a coffee or something to eat.

explain very clearly how the whole thing makes you feel.

After this get on with your life and let her get on with hers.

how she treats your father is his problem and only he can deal with that.

how she treats you is yours and up to you how YOU deal with that.

how your mother acts is HER problem and up to HER how she deals with that.

All you can do is explain how you feel the rest is out of your hands.

Nevyn

Have you tried asking her what she is so angry about and listen long enough so she got past the trival everyday thing that get to her to the main reasons ?

Ghost Train

if its the way shes always been, i think chances are she'll always be that way, might just be best to get the most out of the relationship you can by doing what you can to make her happy (agree with her even if you don't), but make sure you don't do anything to make yourself unhappy. You can talk to her about it, but unless she sees it herself and makes a serious effort to change with counciling or something, things probably won't change longterm.

i also wonder if talking to her about might make her uncomfortable and have a negitive effect... i don't know really, its a tough situation to have, just make sure you don't blame yourself for any of it or think its completely your problem to fix, as its not really in your control if she can't see it herself or want to change

tbh

sit her down and give it to her straight - she opens up to you and lets you help, or you walk away. If she wants to waste the rest of her life hating, then I feel sorry for her, but she can't drag you down too. I know it's your mam, I feel so sorry for you, but you have a duty to try to save yourself.

MagicMarker

I think people like that only hear what they want to hear.. I don't see how trying to explain anything will get you any further.

If i were you, i'd put it ALL down on paper, in black and white. Tell her how much it's effecting you, tell her how she's horrible to your father. Tell her everything! And don't sugar coat anything, be blunt and to the point. Make sure you tell her that you want a relationship with her, but that's not going to happen if things continue as they are.

After that, the ball is in her court.

Beruthiel

Menopause?
Apparently it can drive some women loopy.

Clare Bear

It's your Dad I feel most sorry for having to live with that He's probably never stood up to her and that's why she treats him like that....it sounds to me as if something has happened in her past to make her hate men so much? I know she's your mother but you can't let her ruin you life or your relationships. I think write her a letter and get everything out. But I'm guessing her reaction won't be a good one. For your own sake you should though, if she won't listen maybe a letter might sink in more. Best of luck, I know it must be a horrible situation to be in, she's your mother at the end of the day and you just want a good relationship with her like you should be able to. Good luck.

MJOR

I think that people usually only get away with what you let them. She sounds like she is extremely unhappy with her lot.

Writing her a letter will help I think as she blatently won't hear you out.

Keep the new man well away from her....

Dinxminx

Sounds like we have the same parents...

jimmycrackcorm

op, your mother has no idea what she is actually like. you'll need something to let her know. Telling her is no use as it will only sound like an opinion. Instead you need to spend a little time writing down in a diary in front of her what she is doing. That way you'll be making an historical record that she cannot deny and she'll soon realise what she is like when the evidence mounts. Most of the problem in this scenario is that people have such short memories victuiey cannot see that they are operating to a pattern. A record of sorts will show different.

Wurly

Annie2008 wrote: »

Where do I start...
My mother is angry, very very very angry and incredibly stubborn. She is the only person I know who can never admit when she is wrong....She's married (god knows how) to my dad who is a really lovely gentle man.
However, she hates men and she is constantly abusing my father (verbally) in the most horrible ways. He would pretty much do anything for her but nothing is good enough. She is constantly giving him grief basically complaining about everything....

I'm in my late thirties and in the early stages of a relationship. She has been fairly rude/dismissive of my other half and has made it clear that in her opinion, I will be getting rid of him soon coz he's another one of 'them' i.e. men. So I've been keeping him away from my family pretty much. I can deal with that part but I do want to have some kind of relationship with my mother.

But at the moment I can't bear being around her because she is so negative all the time and so nasty. When I try to talk to her about it she denies that she is doing anything wrong and says things like 'I'm always right and never wrong'. This even sounds ridiculous as I read back on it but its not, its quite serious and getting to the point where I just don't know what to do.

Is there some kind of intervention I could organise with a counselor or something? I just can't get through to her and I've tried the gentle approach to the more aggressive approach but nothing will shift her and she is making everyones lives a misery.

OP, having a similar situation with my mother, the best advice I can give is to not engage her. Walk away when she goes off on one.

I have tried over and over to get through to my mother and sometimes it seems that I have gotten through and I get so hopeful and emotional. Then the arse falls out of it and i'm back to square one again. Its exhausting.

I know you want a relationship with her but you simply cant when its an abusive one. You cant change other people but you can change how you react to her.

If you simply don't engage her, she won't get the reaction she is looking for and may then very well question her behaviour.

I have tried this technique with my mother. Its bloody hard but it works. She is still a complete pain in the t1ts but at least we can have some form of a relationship now. Obviously, its not possible for me to keep my cool all the time - I am human. But its going well, all things considered.

I know its horrible to see how she treats your dad but they are both adults and its not up to you to fix their marraige.

Gizmodeon

This woman sounds like my own mum its weird!
Do not let her ruin your chances of happiness is all I can say,
my own mother wasn't too fond of my other half and I was sick of her "disapproving" of boyfriends so I kept him away from the family until they realized that he is a part of my life that will not go away just because she has a childish tantrum.

Seriously, the best thing I ever did was distance myself from my mum.
I still love her, and it hurt like hell, but I really think it's better for both of us to be happy. If you could pick your mother it would be a perfect world! And trust me, having to choose over your partner and your mother is hard to do, but your mother will eventually turn. Fair enough if your mother has problems, dealing with her own personal life etc but your at an age where she shouldn't be effecting you this much, and you should just tell her she is out of line, otherwise she will keep treating you like this and you'll eventually give up on the idea of a relationship at all.

Good luck in dealing with it

Wagon

This is going to be probably a really nasty ****ty thing to say but just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have to like her, or vice versa

I really really am sorry to hear all that but your mother clearly has issues around people. She doesn't like them. That's her problem, she has a loving family who have been extremely patient with her but it doesn't seem good enough. So why bother trying to make her happy? It's time you started putting your energies into someone who's appreciate it.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, me again...thanks so much for your replies...Its almost a relief to hear that other people have similar issues...I almost feel sane....I guess some of the helpful stuff was hearing that its not up to me to 'fix' my parents marriage...Somehow I had assumed some responsibility for that.....I appreciate the time that many of you took to reply.....