Why am I the Sh*t magnet.

LegacyUser

Ok from the start I dated this guy when we both were 18, i was doing my leaving cert at da time and he was taking a year out before going to college. That year was briliant we got on like a house on fire and he was my first official bf. After about a year and half things slowly started to go wrong with drugs being involved. But like so many others I was the stupid one whereby i thought it was just a college phase but it grew worse. At weekends we hardly met cuz he was getting stoned off his face. He tried harder stuff too. Once it really annoyed me and we had a fight and he said basically if i dont like just end the relationship cuz he was still going to carry on using. Eventually after 3.5 yrs of being with him it finished.
Unfortunately I fell on the rebound about 2 months later, this guy was a fruit loop and within 2 months of sort of seeing him, he introduced me to his parents as his "wife to be". Basically married with 2 kids living next door to his parents in da middle of da country. NO WAY, SEE YA. I left the dating scene for about 7months to get my priorities in line and a friend suggested online dating site sort of to ween me bak onto the dating scene. I hit it off with one guy who i eventually met and liked. After the first date which went ok, he never made contact with me again. Since then its been people with a tonne of baggage (ie - they were on da rebound, cheating on their girlfriend, attempted suicide) the list goes on. I havent met one guy who is genuine yet. I'm beginning to lose faith in the love section.

Sorry this is long one but Does anyone have any suggestions on what my next step could be. Help or advise would be a great thing to get right now.

Nevyn

Look the facts are you are going end up kissing a lot of frogs along the way but you should be learning to spot them and learning more about yourself as you go.

Set your standards, figure out what you will and will not put up with and be gentle with yourself and enjoy living your life with out needing a guy in your life.

An awful lot of people esp guys on dating sites have basically sod all socail skills tbh it's to be expected.
You'll get there, 'keep pure your highest ideal, strive ever towards it'.

Wibbs

Thaedydal's post is the sound of nails being hit on the head. Good advice.

Gross Halfwit

Seconded.

teaman35

Thirded,,

I was one of those guys on the other side of the onlinedating scene tbh
I guess it works both ways too
As mentioned, just have to filter your selection really, as women generally get alot of responses, so your bound to get a few weirder ones along the way.
its a learning curve i guess.
good luck op, if u go through a good few people, just have fun and dont take it too seriously and im sure u'll meet a nice guy soon.

barbiegirl

Agree with all the other posters. But OP what age are you, by my calculations early to mid twenties. Stop trying to settle down so quickly, have fun, plenty of dates, kiss lots of frogs and one day the right guy will come along. Don't be so eager for everyone to be the one and never, ever, ever settle.

Wurly

Fourthded

:)

We all go through it OP. Try not to get disheartened. Lots of dicks out there. Lots of nice one's too.:pac:

You're a young girl. I'm young too. We've plenty of time to meet someone nice.

akamossy

we don't all find prince charming on our 1st go, or even out 2nd, 3rd or 4th!! Just have to keep looking and keep hopeful that we will find the one we want to be with eventually.

Tragedy

Look at dates as a fun activity and dont build each one up to being "will this guy be really nice and be my next boyfriend".

Not saying you are, but if you look at them as an excuse to get out of the house and have a (hopefully) fun night out, dates failing arent such a big issue

estar

do you think you are attracted to damaged people?

MJOR

Righto, You don't need to be permanently in a relationship. You are quite young and need to spend a bit of time enjoying your own company.
This i think leads to an increase in self worth and therefore an ability to find someone that can enhance your life.

There is absolutely no need to be unhappy in a relationship.

Again the question needs to be asked why are attracted to damaged people?

LegacyUser

estar wrote: »

do you think you are attracted to damaged people?

For some reason yes. They seem quite normal when I meet them first and after a few drinks and having a ball they start explaining more about them. This is when stuff is revealed. I'm not in any way intending to be a b1tch but come on you have to wonder will their past come back and be repeated. I've always been a good listener and people i know well know they can come and rant and rave and that i dont judge them or give advice if asked for it (thank god i'm not a counsellor) so maybe I give off that impression to make them open up. I really dont know.

estar

we all meet unusual people.

its part of the getting to know people process.

some people are more tolerant than others.

but while it is nice to be nice.

it isnt nice to be always in relationships with people
that need fixing, with you in the role of fixer.

if you are attracting a lot of damaged people
then i would start questioning the people i am attracted to
and why.

do you find them more exciting - the drama
do you feel more powerful feeling more together than them.
are you damaged yourself

i have often found that a lot of people in my life
tend to be troubled. they do seem to find me!!!!!
its probably because i have had troubles myself
and am more understanding of people in that situation.

however i made a conscious decision a while ago
to only let the sane into my inner circle of friends
and to just do what i can to help the others.
this may sound callous, but it works for me.

be more conscious in your choices, and less trusting
on meeting people.

SarahSassy

estar wrote: »

we all meet unusual people.

its part of the getting to know people process.

some people are more tolerant than others.

but while it is nice to be nice.

it isnt nice to be always in relationships with people
that need fixing, with you in the role of fixer.

if you are attracting a lot of damaged people
then i would start questioning the people i am attracted to
and why.

do you find them more exciting - the drama
do you feel more powerful feeling more together than them.
are you damaged yourself

i have often found that a lot of people in my life
tend to be troubled. they do seem to find me!!!!!
its probably because i have had troubles myself
and am more understanding of people in that situation.

however i made a conscious decision a while ago
to only let the sane into my inner circle of friends
and to just do what i can to help the others.
this may sound callous, but it works for me.

be more conscious in your choices, and less trusting
on meeting people.

Capital letters, punctuation, proper sentences??? Estar, you have a lot of valid points to make but your posts are such hard work to read i cant be arsed...

Wibbs

My opinion on this(ad though it may appear ) is everyone can have a disaster of a partner, once maybe twice. If it's a consistent thing, it's not them(though they may be knobs), it's you.

More to the point it's a template you have in your head that subconsciously you use to measure up potential guys. If that template is healthy then you may kiss a few frogs but you'll be looking for the right things. If it's unhealthy then you'll end up with the same basic guy time and time again. the faces change, even the symptoms may change but the underlying problem with them will be there.

A really obvious one would be someone who thinks men will leave. Maybe her father left or her first boyfriend left or whatever. Because that is her belief, she will purposely seek out guys who will do just what she claims she hates. She'll have the most chemistry with those guys too. Even if she gets lucky with a guy who won't, she may push his buttons so much that he'll leave too. What she gets out of this is reinforcement of this deeply held belief about the world and herself and men. That can be a very hard thing to change as to throw out all she may believe, appears more scary than the guys leaving. People would rather be right than happy a lot of the time.

One bit of advice I would give, is that the next guy you have really big chemistry for be very careful as he's plugging into that template of yours very strongly and whatever it is you believe you deserve from men, good and bad.

Take this time when you're single to work on making you the best you possible. Look realistically at both your good and bad viewpoints. Push the good ones and try to improve or dismiss the bad. When you're in a better place, then better people will find you.

Wibbs

SarahSassy stay on topic. estar, while off topic she has a valid point. Can you in future post like everyone else format wise? Thanks

LegacyUser

estar wrote: »

are you damaged yourself.

I wouldnt call it damage but I've had problems in the past (Bullied physically and mentally) have low self esteem/confidence and am still quite shy around others. I am however getting a bit more confident, and I tend to unwind a bit more when i'm out on a night out (which is rare at the moment). I wont go out on my own, I have to head out with a few ppl.

I dont intentionally look for the "broken" ppl to be fixed but find them anyways. I dont have many close friends, anyone I do know are regarded more as acquaintants instead.

LegacyUser

Unlucky woman...

I know where you're coming from. Wibbs may be right about his point on abandonment issues in so much as, my Father left when I was young and I took it very bad. I ended up in a string of "relationships" with toxic guys, wishy washy guys who didn't know what they wanted,but certainly wasn't me, I was just a convenience they used whenever they liked because I let them. Addicts, alcoholics, and just plain emotionally unavailable guys, all lined up. I'm not saying that you're the same as I don't know. A father leaving for a daughter is only one scenario this rule applies to, just seems a coincidence in my life that's too coincidental.

Either way whatever the problem is, it can change. There are a certain number of people you will meet as everyone else has said that will either be not right in the head or just not the right person for you just because it happens in life no matter but you can damge limit it by not being a "magnet" as you suggest, to the confused guys. How about not meeting them for drinks first time off all the time? If a guy agrees to meet you for coffee first it's a sign he's not deopendent on alcohol and is willing to do other stuff. I love going for pints, but fire away and go for pints once you've established this is not the precedent being set for every time you're out with him. Although most guys feel more comfortable in this country going for a pint initially because they're nervous, I know that, it's what makes it hard sometimes to suss it all out till a few months in with someone.

Anyway I spent about 8 years as a singleton in my late twenties, kissed loads of frogs, had flings, and had fun and now in my late thirties, by pure fluke one night minding my own beeswax out with my best friend, I met a good one, and all is well. Think it's definitely because I'm all round happier myself since before I met him though, and although I'm nuts about him, it's not the be all and end all in my life. None of this may apply to you at all but if yo get any good out of it, then great. Have fun, and learn on your journey, that's the main thing! Good luck!

PS
I'm not saying you have to wait till your late thirties before you meet someone nice either, that's just my journey!!

Wibbs

Unlucky Lady wrote:

I dont intentionally look for the "broken" ppl to be fixed but find them anyways

Then I would feel that you are intentionally looking for the broken people. Not consciously, but the intent is there. It's subtle too. It's the little things that you may miss on the surface and just feel you're attracted to this guy or that guy, but that attraction seems to be plugging into more about how you view yourself than anything.

There's a lot of "damaged" peope out there, men and women, in one way or another so they're easy to find. easier than balanced anyway. Even if you did meet someone balanced and right for you, you may walk right by them as they don't trigger those feelings in you. Or even in some way you may not feel you deserve them deep down, depending on how insecure you feel.

With physical and mental bullying you are often going to regard yourself as lesser until you get beyond that. You may even feel or felt that you deserved it deep down. You didn't by the by. No one does. You deserve to be the best you that you can be and you deserve to find a man who sees that and nurtures that as an equal. You'll find it too.

Bloody good and helpful post from beentheremyself OP.

beentheremyself wrote: »

A father leaving for a daughter is only one scenario this rule applies to, just seems a coincidence in my life that's too coincidental.

I think we can put too much store in this stuff but I do think it has some resonance for some. My swivel eyed looney theory is that maybe you try and "fix" as an adult the things you couldn't fix and felt guilty for as a child, so you seek out people who are like the object of your childhood. I reckon I may have done that myself in the past to a lesser degree.

You're post should stand as an example of how when you are happy in yourself then you will throw out that bad template and seek out and more, appreciate a good one. Fair play.

estar

before you look for someone to share your life with. concentrate on making friends enjoying life and just living alone. when you are little broken i think you tend to have more in common with the broken. The only problem with that is that they absorb some of the energy you need for yourself.

Sarah Sassy -

I do apologise for my lack of capital letters. I did actually use punctuation as that is what full stops are. I have fixed my editor now so that hopefully next time you will be ar5sed to read my posts, which although low on capital letters are usually full of what I perceive to be useful advice for the OP. Thanks for your input and to Wibbs also. Capital letters all the way.