Fed up with a moody "Manager"

LegacyUser

Hi all

Long time reader and first time poster, really sorry for length, but really needed to write and let some steam off. I am really really tired of this issue and I guess more than anything I just need to let off some steam. I've nearly bawled crying at my desk, and I am at front of house, not good. I've been at the same job almost 4 years. It pays the bills and is a grand job once you have a life outside it (it's not going anywhere in other words, it was never a career job for me, just a job!)

I was promoted a year back to a more specific area, but am back to multi tasking and doing front of house too as the office is small. My issue isn't with that as I didn't get my pay cut and I like being around people so it doesn't bother me.
My issue is with a woman called the "office manager" who seems to think it's ok to be perfectly rude to me. In fairness not just me - the men in here run the other way when they see she's in her moods too. Now I'm not young, naieve or underconfident, but it's just about ground me down after 4 yrs of it. I confronted her about it one day last year as she sometimes storms off very agressively, when you're in the middle of explaining (quite calmly) the most banal information, just general office stuff which requires communication and teamwork.

I had to be relieved (she is meant to be my releif from front of house) for a few minutes to go downstairs and get something from main desk, whereby she pretended not to hear me becasue she was "busy" which is a complete excuse to not co-operate or help me when I need it, she can hear perfectly well when it's her immediate boss asking her something.

That day I asked her if she had a problem because I felt invisible seomtimes and that I do take issue with her tone toward me sometimes, whereby she cried for the rest of the afternoon and repeatedly kept coming back to reception to tell me how "hurt" she was and how she does everything she can to be there for me. It reminded me of the martyred Mother type thing..(the things I've done for you, etc..)In a job? Be there for me? Surely that's just part of her job, why is she making it personal.

It's all a bit of an emotional response to what seems to be a very wierd reaction in a situation whoch just requires her professional presence and not her emotional one. I have also spoken to my superiors about it but when your senior senior top of the league Manager (who she is PA to) tells you that she is just mad and to ignore her (I'm not joking I have also been told that he wishes I was his PA as she is in the main unreliable to get the stuff done and is always getting "upset" about something, and I'm not saying all that to throw bouquets at myself here and make her look totally uncompetent, she obviously has a lot of knowledge of the business after being here 20 years - it's just to show you how clearly people have seen her very irrational side but I've basically been told it's not going to change and to just get on with it.

Ok so 20 years down the road she's probably insitutionalised and that's her problems but I'm not trying to get to the bottom of her issues (too scary!) Saying that they know and that it won't change doesn't help me in my every day situation.

It has swung from distantly polite on my part to merely get through a day to completely ignoring her except when I absolutely have to communicate, and it's at those time I get most respect (and the odd frosty glance) because then she doesn't come up to front of house bitching about everyone else to me and I get some peace. I don't want to be her friend, as she's just nor the sort of friend I'd want, and work is work after all. I just want to ask, does anyone else have a situation like this, and what do you do to get through your day without losing all faith in the rest of the world?!

I normally have lots going on outside work and am pretty happy in and out of work apart from this one thing, which, most of the time, I can live through, today I'm just so sad about it. It's just sometimes I think it's so unfair that emotionally immature poeple in the workplace still get away with this. Before you ask, there is no HR department or Manager to talk to. Anyone I could talk to about it, well, it's old news, they all know and they don't want to for the most part. I know she would break down in tears again if I say anything and I don't really want to because it's therapy she needs in order to be able to even discuss her issues, I don't want to discuss her issues, but I am scared that some day I'll lose my temper and God knows what then.

I am not in a position to leave and that's not the answer anyway. I just had the best colleague ever leave too so that's probably contributing to me feeling so vulnerable to her outburst today, which, incidentally, was because there were sandwiches delivered and the delivery guy didn't have change, to which she almost had a cow, stormed up with change whereby both the sandwich guy and I looked on, quite scared (I wished I was leaving with him there and then when he was going...)

The coleague who left was doing my front of house job but because of downturn she was let go. Thing is, she was way more of a soft person than I am and was a more gentle soul but who'd also take a lot of crap and it didn't seem to affect her, an ethereal body of a kind! But she also had me as her support and relief and I was not like that at all, i didn't feel I was persoanlly giving her my time shen she went on a break, I considered it part of my job and not a saintly act, which is how I feel treated when I get my breaks...if she feels like it.

I find it hard to let people throw tantrums at me or around me without saying something. Just wondering if anyone can throw some of their "coping" skills my way as there really isn't a solution to this, just some stuff I can do to help me not react? Not that I did today at all, but I still feel it's wrong to be treated agressively and passive agressively, depending how she's feeling at the time, and so often. She even hangs up on you if you call her and announce a call she doesn't particularly want, but if I say it again, it's only going to lead to her crying and I don't want that sort of over the top stuff at work, crap, I just want to do my work and go home.

The person who left said the same thing, reckoned it was just gross immaturity on the Manager's part and threw it away mentally. Wish I could have that attitude, but, like I said, the person who left had me as their relief and a supportive colleague. I feel alone and isolated sometimes whereby I don't have that professional colleague to lean on, just a very unpredicatble, irrational human being, and sometimes how my day goes depends on her moods and I'm so tired of it. Anyone else gone through it and developed some new ways of coping? I am so so sorry this is so long, thanks in advance for any words of wisdom.

I wish I could relax a bit more and not get upset about it because I know it's her issues but you're like a sponge at front of house sometimes, evryone's moods can soak into you and they can use you like a mental punchbag, but she's supposed to be my support system and God help me on that one. Thanks

Wurly

Why are you not in a position to leave?

Surely there are other jobs out there that would suit you better. With the amount of time and energy you have wasted on this issue, not to mention writing about it - you could have lined yourself up an interview for a fab new job.

These issues are nothing to do with you. They are that of your manager's and you cant change them, nor should you try.

I cannot understand why you would stay in this job. Why would you do this to yourself?

No matter what your predicament, there has to be a better job out there. Maybe even make a start by having a look on a few recruitment websites?

LegacyUser

Hi there and thanks for encouragement to go onto better things

I guess I feel a little stuck myself. Not qualified at anything, just good at support roles and PA stuff and on a lot of money, more than I could get elsewhere and in this current climate. Maybe it's time to consider less money for a better quality of job and better treatment. But like I say I am on good money to do a mostly run of the mill secretarial support role and answer phones and meet and greet. I have a major hobby outside my job which takes up a lot of time too so didn't want the extra bother of finding another job, not a career job as I don't have a career in the clerical everyday term.
You're right though, I often ask myself the same question. But I have plenty of work experience which has told me from past experience that there's one of these people everywhere you go, so I may be looking for another job to get away from it, but it won't solve how I react to a crazy maker, I could be walking into a worse situation, but maybe that's hyper negativity from absorbing it like a sponge every day. Thank you though.

Wurly

I see what you're saying.

But I scraped my leaving cert, left a PLC course 3 months later and then went straight into secretarial work.

Im now doing sound engineering part time and gigging as a singer - starting to do things I wanna do now. Im 25 and still don't really know what I want. I have a cushy admin job that will do until im qualified or ready to leave when my album gets to no 1 (lol).

Seriously, this is a pile of anus m'dear. Who needs this crap? There are some very well paid jobs out there and you don't need degrees hanging out of your arse to get them. Even having a look around at the jobs out there will open your mind and make you feel better.

GO FOR IT!! Read my signature. I try to live by that. Admittedly, sometimes I fail miserably, but god loves a tryer!! ha ha

LegacyUser

Hi again Tri

You're very right. I may have to start looking as my sense of self worth seems to be climbing, because I guess that's what the "I can't take this any more" is all about. It comes down to what you will and won't accept how people treat you. This has at least got me thinking of doing it, and yes your sig does say it all, sometimes things get worse for a reason maybe. You do something very similar to me in yoru spare time. Thanks for the words anyhow, I needed a little encouragement as I have to see some farily miserable faces in here some days and I think I've had enough now. May take a little time but at least I can investigate the options and I'm not on the streets, I only have myself to look after, so gotta look on the bright side of it all. Take care....

ntlbell

I couldn't really finish reading it, break it up into paragraph's

but you control you ignore it and get on with your day and don't let her affect you or leave.

LegacyUser

There were three paragraphs so my apologies there weren't 17 tiny ones instead.
It isn't easy to ignore someone who is quite obviously a very cranky and unstable person, given the fact you can't because a) you are meant to support them and b) they are meant to support you.
NTL I find your advice a bit sharp, over concise, and a tad condescending. As for my grammar and use of paragraphs, well I dictaphone type and compose a lot of reports which they pay me to do, and on top of doing those tasks at work today and being treated like sh*t to boot, I was also writing this at high speed to seek some constructive advice on coping skills, and quite upset, so the typing advice really helped with that ...(???) It's hardly like I was using text speak, is it? I also covered your advice on the "just leave scenario" too. But thanks anyway.

Thank God for Tri...

Nevyn

Plese use paragraphs, it takes no time what so ever to insert them after you have typed a wall of text. It makes it a lot easier to read and less likely to cause people headaches.

estar

the only way to cope with her is to control her.

the boss is right to ignore her. she probably is mad.

she is useful in some respects, but the moods etc
and the irrationality.

dont tolerate it, dont be nice to her, dont pander to her.
just be professional.

basically you are in a strong position there, probably
one of the reasons you are paid well is that you
have to put up with her.

ive worked with a few institutionalised women like that.
gossipy. impossible. but easy enough to manage as
no one respects them because of the moods.

and they know that, which is probably why they
get even moodier.

she isnt going to change. shes not really in a position above you.
they are probably hoping that when she retires you will still
be there.

use it as a reason for a pay rise at review time.

as she would drive out many another from the job.

try and feel sorry for her as well.

Wurly

estar wrote: »

the only way to cope with her is to control her.

The only person you can ever control in this life, is yourself.

LegacyUser

Estar

Thanks for that, some useful stuff in it that made me feel a bit calmer there.
In fairness she's not a monster all the time. I am just having a horrible day and needed to vent, albeit it gramatically difficult to read. You've touched on a pont, they do value me because I "put up" a lot. Some days are harder than others. Thanks once more.

Waylander

Tiredofthemoods wrote: »

There were three paragraphs so my apologies there weren't 17 tiny ones instead.
It isn't easy to ignore someone who is quite obviously a very cranky and unstable person, given the fact you can't because a) you are meant to support them and b) they are meant to support you.
NTL I find your advice a bit sharp, over concise, and a tad condescending. As for my grammar and use of paragraphs, well I dictaphone type and compose a lot of reports which they pay me to do, and on top of doing those tasks at work today and being treated like sh*t to boot, I was also writing this at high speed to seek some constructive advice on coping skills, and quite upset, so the typing advice really helped with that ...(???) It's hardly like I was using text speak, is it? I also covered your advice on the "just leave scenario" too. But thanks anyway.

Thank God for Tri...

So you take constructive criticism well then? Maybe the problem is not all on the other side!

LegacyUser

Indeed Waylander, the problem is never all on one side.
My reaction was from the hip because I was really upset over what happened earlier.

ntlbell

Tiredofthemoods wrote: »

There were three paragraphs so my apologies there weren't 17 tiny ones instead.
It isn't easy to ignore someone who is quite obviously a very cranky and unstable person, given the fact you can't because a) you are meant to support them and b) they are meant to support you.
NTL I find your advice a bit sharp, over concise, and a tad condescending. As for my grammar and use of paragraphs, well I dictaphone type and compose a lot of reports which they pay me to do, and on top of doing those tasks at work today and being treated like sh*t to boot, I was also writing this at high speed to seek some constructive advice on coping skills, and quite upset, so the typing advice really helped with that ...(???) It's hardly like I was using text speak, is it? I also covered your advice on the "just leave scenario" too. But thanks anyway.

Thank God for Tri...

It's not easy to ignore people but it is easy to learn to not let them affect you, you can't control the boss or anyone else in your job, but you have full control over you and how you respond.

So you can be given all the advice in the world here it boil down to two simple things

can you work and get on with the job and not allow yourself to be affected.

or you can move on to somewhere else and hope you don't come across other people in life who are moody and let them control how your day goes again.

Some times what you don't want to hear can sound harsh.

it doesn't make it any less true.

LegacyUser

That's a bit more elaborate than your original sentence and makes a lot more sense.
I apologise for "going off on one" at you, I really was just very upset and it felt like I was having my wrist slapped after coming on to a forum full of strangers to seek a little empathy, you seemed more concerned with my paragraphs than how I felt but now I see you were just finding it hard to physically read and weren't merely brushing me off.
I completely agree with what you have said above there. Thanks for taking the time to reply again. I'm sure I will cope, I'm normally well able, today was a hard one. Cheers.

estar

ntlbell wrote: »

It's not easy to ignore people but it is easy to learn to not let them affect you, you can't control the boss or anyone else in your job, but you have full control over you and how you respond.

thats what i meant when i said control her

through your reactions to her - i should have phrased it as above!

Wurly

estar wrote: »

ntlbell wrote: »

It's not easy to ignore people but it is easy to learn to not let them affect you, you can't control the boss or anyone else in your job, but you have full control over you and how you respond.

thats what i meant when i said control her

through your reactions to her - i should have phrased it as above!

Ah, indeed.

Searlait

I've been in a similar situation - I was working as a secretary. I had a specific qualification in an industry that is now obsolete - so started from scratch, office work.

Anyway, I started a new job last year, it was pure hell, from start to finish, all because of someone else. After six months I left. It had started to get to me, big time. It was the best thing I've ever done. I didn't have anything else lined up, but saved as much as I could and had a break after it, to clear my head. Now I'm working in a fantastic place, lovely people and the work is more interesting too.

You will never be able to change this person, and she will never change either - some people bring their emotional baggage to work, are unprofessional, and there really isn't anything you can do about it.

You have to ask yourself: exactly how worth it is this job? You have the goods for this line of work, 4 years shows you're loyal and have gained plenty of experience, and I'm sure you've learned lots in your time there. It might be scary, but there are plenty of other jobs out there!!

This job is obviously upsetting you, and as much as you shouldn't be the one to leave, its the only way to change it for yourself.

I can't say it enough what a good decision it was for me to leave that last job, once out of it I can't believe I ever worked in such conditions - and don't get me wrong, the rest of the place was fine, the work was grand - but one person can dominate the mood of one place and ruin it all.

I hate to see someone else in the same situation I was in, for yourself, leave!

LegacyUser

Searlait thank you

I appreciate your advice, spot on really. I guess sticking it was a mixture of the cash, but it'd never be down to that totally as it's v. important what the environment is like where I work ...and also the fact my bosses are very good to work for. Had a really good night's sleep on it and I am going to save like a mad thing for the next while and plan my exit by early 2009 or maybe earlier depending. It's amazing how scared you get at the prospect of moving jobs once you've convinced yourself you'll not get any better, same as everything I suppose, like bad relationships too methinks. I am a bit wobbly on my pins due to other personal factors too this week and it all made for one big feeling of loss and sadness. I'll fight my gremlins and hopefully move onto better things soon. Trying to constantly dodge somoene's moods and walk on eggshells can leave the nerves frayed after a while. Thanks all for the input, helped me to think a lot clearer last night. God Bless.

MJOR

I think perhaps you feel that because you have put up with it for so long that you have to... This is not the case. All you have to do is remain professional.

Deep breathing also helps. She may have problems outside of work too which aren't your problem but mean she finds coping hard.

I think the post had a lot to do with a bad day, end of tether syndrome.

Just be cal and cool. You're well paid and don't actually hate your job which is more than can be said for a lot of people.

Ignore her,cash your checque and hope she takes early retirement.... You aren't alone!!!

AngryBadger

OP I generally find the best way of trying to cope with people who are incompetent/moronic/fit to be institutionalised is to just go ahead and do whatever they ask of you (within reason) and don't bother quibbling with them about it. If they come back afterwards and start making a big deal about it just agree with them, apologise and amazingly enough the thing seems to jsut fizzle out.

I'm saying apologise here because people like this have a very hard time trying to harass someone who has just apologised to them. Obviously you've done nothing wrong at all, but she's just a crackpot bully that should be fired, so what do you care about an apology you don't mean, you know isn't deserved, but gets her to leave you alone so you can do work work without the hassle of her BS.

You work is covered. You've already been told that the managers know what she's like. So in that situation, nobody can point to your work and criticise it because it's all being done perfectly. And if someone else starts coming to you giving out, all you need say is "I just did what X asked me to do", and leave it at that.

So essentially, don't engage, you're wasting your energy, and jsut further stressing yourself out. Just continue doing your job. If she comes in bulling over something, just be polite, and apologetic.

Given that you're in a small office this may not work 100 %, but I have found it work for me in the majority of situations. Right now I'm workign in a lab and the senior analyst. he's good at the analyst part of his job, but he sucks as a manager/trainer. For months I was letting this wind me up the whole time, arguing with him about certain rules/methods, delays, difficulties in training the whole nine yards. It was driving me crazy and I found I was starting to loathe coming into this job that I loved.

Recently I just decided to take the approach I described above. Managing/training is his job, my work is well covered, not saying I don't make the odd mistake but who doesn't? So I stopped concerning myself with his attitude, and suddenly I love my job again and his incompetence is irrelevant.

I hope this is of some help to you OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks to the guys above there ...

Yep, you know, today it is easier to just get on with it. I know it might sound cliched but MJOR saying that I'm not alone has helped immensely. And I've lots to be getting on with. Thanks Angrybadger, you know it makes sense! Off to do my work but thanks all. Think I'm over it for now, you've all really helped, thank you.

damonjewel

Personally if I was in your shoes I would grin and bare it whilst looking around for something new. Work constitutes a large portion of our daily lives, so why should we be unhappy. I have been in this situation, where I worked for an electrician who was a bully and a tyrant, and other people on the sites we worked constantly asked me how can you work for him etc. I just shrugged as I was worried what else can I do its a job, but had to sigh inside that I was really unhappy and felt trapped. Actually he dropped me and I soon found a job and my career has taken off, and I have had a satisfying career in the most part. I have since sworn to myself that I will never be in this kind of situation again, and when I have found myself in a job that I didn't like, I hung on until the right thing came along. I really hope you work something out as I know that it is a really difficult situation to be in. Good luck

LegacyUser

personally I wouldnt leave if you like your pay and your bosses. I am in my job 5 years and have ahad a few people who had a 'problem' but I rode it out and now things are better.

I think in any office you will find a few members of staff who have been there longer than the furniture and while they are a bit eccentric/difficult they are left at it as people have given up trying to change them. I once worked with one older lady in a retail store she liked to help me by cutting the barcodes off the old papers which was great but as she had not put what date they were from I could not do my job. I politely asked her if she could jot down the date on the barcodes or put them into piles by date but she stormed off it tears to my boss and didnt speak to me for a week!

I think the first step os to realise its not just you. If others in the office feel teh same way about her especially the seniors that should tell you that its not something you in particular have done. Secondly, I am a big believer in doing what someone least expects its the best way to change learned behaviour! Next time she throws a strop, dont react like you usually do. Tell her shes right, nod your head in agreement whatever, just dont give her the response shes looking for. Shock her by doing something nice and unexpected like getting her a tea or coffee, or asking her about her life, or asking her advice with something etc. If you are pleasant to her and do the opposite of what she expects it really will make it harder to be awful to you.

Im naturally a scrappy person but I have tried this approach and found it works better than me getting personally involved and upset. as one of our HR girls told me one day 'only you can allow someone to make you feel bad or inferior'.

MJOR

a bad day can make your whole life feel out of proportion.... Just save like a mad thing as you said and hopefully she'll win the lotto or retire lol:D

LegacyUser

T'chyeah!

...it wasn't won you know, d'aul lotto! I had a better one today, like you say, perspective and all of that. Looks like a lot of people had same problems, there is always one.
I am an artistic tempremental being so does not help! But I am also paid to come here and do a job so gotta get it straight in the head too. Just hate the grumpies!

Yesterday was one of those file it under S for skanky and other such S words and blow it out the other side. Kudos to you all.
The weekend approacheth and short of her being under my bed on Saturday, I reckon it'll be a good one! Take care chaps byeeee...

Sleepy

Eat the head off her next time she's unreasonable.

If she starts balling just tell her to grow up and display a little professionalism. If she tells you how hurt she is by your actions, tell her you don't care, the workplace isn't the place for it.