Friends with benefits

LegacyUser

So i broke up with my boyfriend a good few months back and almost immediately started seeing one of my friends. Its always been flirty between us and everyone assumed had i not been ina relationshi something would have happened. And as soon as my relationshi was over it did. Needless to say, it ended up being friends with benefits. I forget how, we slept together the once and i think both of us just assumed neither of us would want a relationship or something. However, I think i like this guy a little more than friends with benefits but I dont know what to say. I know that if the sex stopped we'd easily go back to being friends because we get on so great. Friends tell me they think he's just playing along with the whole benefits idea and does actually like me, but i don't know really. I'm thinking its probably pointless to pursue anything or mention anything like 'i like you' or something like that! I'm happy enough being f*ck buddies like but if i knew for certain he liked me too i think i'd probably want more. What are peoples thoughts on this? Stop everything now or keep going and wait and see. In the long run, i'm a strong person so even if it did turn out he didn't want anything more and wanted to stop the buddy thing i'm fairly sure i'd be alright just i'd be alright the other way too. Oh its all so confusing! Help!

P.S. Please dont say 'ah the friends with benefits mistake'! I know people are often wary of this kind of thing cuz people get hurt etc but its nothing like that!

Beruthiel

Buddybuddy wrote: »

However, I think i like this guy a little more than friends with benefits but I dont know what to say.

Tell him and let the cards fall where they may.
As it stands, if you continue as you are, all that will happen is your feelings will become strong for him and you'll end up very hurt at the end of it.

girliegirl

Talk to him, or failing that and you're really really scared of saying it face to face then maybe a mutual friend can suss things out in a jokey way, without making it clear that you're interested... just to see what he thinks about it all.

RedXIV

Beruthiel wrote: »

Tell him and let the cards fall where they may.
As it stands, if you continue as you are, all that will happen is your feelings will become strong for him and you'll end up very hurt at the end of it.

+1

If ye are such great friends, then telling him won't result in anything to cataclysmic i should imagine.

best of luck

Meathlass

Tell him how you feel. Just say something like "I really like spending time with you and i'd like it to be exclusive" I've done the whole friends with benefits thing and as you can see it usually doesn't work - i was just kidding myself and got jealous then when he was with other people. Have either of you scored/slept with anyone else while you've been 'together'?

WilmaRidesAgain

<<I'm happy enough being f*ck buddies like but if i knew for certain he liked me too i think i'd probably want more. >>

This is they key phrase here from what I can see, if you really were into this fella and not just passing the time you would feel more than "happy enough" -the feelings and language would be so much stronger.....

I've had one of these fook buddies things (we are back to platonic now) and when there was no-one else on the horizon I almost convinced myself I had feelings but as soon as me current fella came on the scene I knew "without doubt" it was different.

Anyway, just think about it, why are yiz FB's rather than partners...there is a reason, hes a good enough fit maybe but thats not the same as perfect!!!

Just a thought!

Wurly

OP if you like him more as f*ck buddies in the beginning than this is a recipe for disaster.

Girls tend to get more emotionally attached to a person after sex than men do.

If you end up falling for him and he doesn't feel the same, that will hurt bad. And then you'll get the 'well you knew we were just f*ck buddies going into this' line.

Be careful. Is it worth it?

RealEstateKing

I dont understand what 'friends with benefits' means.

If you fancy somebody enough to sleep with them, and like them enough platonically to also be their friend, why not call them your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Meathlass

RealEstateKing wrote: »

I dont understand what 'friends with benefits' means.

If you fancy somebody enough to sleep with them, and like them enough platonically to also be their friend, why not call them your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Maybe you just find someone attractive but don't like their personality enough to be around them all the time or maybe you don't want a relationship but still want sex. I've never heard of it working out tbh.

AngryBadger

WilmaRidesAgain wrote: »

This is they key phrase here from what I can see, if you really were into this fella and not just passing the time you would feel more than "happy enough" -the feelings and language would be so much stronger.....

I've had one of these fook buddies things (we are back to platonic now) and when there was no-one else on the horizon I almost convinced myself I had feelings but as soon as me current fella came on the scene I knew "without doubt" it was different.

Think this about sums it up.

Sounds to me like you've gotten "comfortable" with this guy. If you were really seriously madly into him, you wouldn't need to ask, and after spending this much time with him you really should know how you feel. If you have to ask then I think you're probably not attracted to him in the "relationship" way.

I know a lot of people are saying tell him and see what happens. In this instance I disagree because I don't think you actually want a relationship with him, I think you've just gotten used to him being around as a friend, and as a FB.

Regardless of how strong your friendship might be/was, bringing this up may cause complications, and based on what you're saying all I see this question doing is making things awkward in the longer term.

Why not try cutting back on the "friends with benefits" side of things, see how you feel then?

AngryBadger

RealEstateKing wrote: »

I dont understand what 'friends with benefits' means.

If you fancy somebody enough to sleep with them, and like them enough platonically to also be their friend, why not call them your boyfriend/girlfriend?

But of course that assumes that a given person is of the mind to only sleep with people they're emotionally attracted to.

Whereas many people are quite happy to differentiate between "relationship" sex, and casual sex with no emotional ties.

RealEstateKing

But of course that assumes that a given person is of the mind to only sleep with people they're emotionally attracted to.

Whereas many people are quite happy to differentiate between "relationship" sex, and casual sex with no emotional ties.

That's my point exactly: **** Buddies I can understand: Somebody you dont particularly have a friendship with, but you get together for a shag. But if somebody is your friend, and you like their personality enough platonically to want to hang out with them, AND fancy them enough to shag them, isnt that pretty much a Girl/Boy-Friend?

srdb20

I agree with RealEstateKing on that point, it makes sense!!!!

But Fu&k Buddies can just be about sex, but from what ive seen it always end up with one of the two involved falling for the other, hard and sometimes ending up hurt.... my 0.02

RealEstateKing

of mine has been in a situation with a guy for over a year in which they sleep together, they go to the movies together, go out for dinner together, spend every weekend together BUT "We're not a couple!"

I just dont get it. And sure enough, she likes him. I reckon it's really just his way of having his cake and eating it: All the benefits of having a girlfriend with none of the downsides: Commitment, fidelity, treating them well and all the rest.

Reku

RealEstateKing wrote: »

of mine has been in a situation with a guy for over a year in which they sleep together, they go to the movies together, go out for dinner together, spend every weekend together BUT "We're not a couple!"

I just dont get it. And sure enough, she likes him. I reckon it's really just his way of having his cake and eating it: All the benefits of having a girlfriend with none of the downsides: Commitment, fidelity, treating them well and all the rest.

Thing is that you can like someone, trust them, fancy them and think they're great in the sack, doesn't mean you have feelings for them or are in love with them though.
**** buddies = being in lust with a friend as opposed to being in love with a friend.

WilmaRidesAgain wrote: »

<<I'm happy enough being f*ck buddies like but if i knew for certain he liked me too i think i'd probably want more. >>

This is they key phrase here from what I can see, if you really were into this fella and not just passing the time you would feel more than "happy enough" -the feelings and language would be so much stronger.....

I've had one of these fook buddies things (we are back to platonic now) and when there was no-one else on the horizon I almost convinced myself I had feelings but as soon as me current fella came on the scene I knew "without doubt" it was different.

Anyway, just think about it, why are yiz FB's rather than partners...there is a reason, hes a good enough fit maybe but thats not the same as perfect!!!

Just a thought!

I'd have to agree that the OP's language sounds rather uncertain in that she feels she'd only want more if he was interested in her. If she had strong feelings for the lad she'd want more plain and simple, regardless of what his input was. Perhaps it is a sort of "well there's nothing better available so I'll settle" mindset you've gotten yourself into OP?

estar

how you feel

if you all are intimate enough to sleep with each other
then why cant you share your intimate thoughts?

AngryBadger

RealEstateKing wrote: »

That's my point exactly: **** Buddies I can understand: Somebody you dont particularly have a friendship with, but you get together for a shag. But if somebody is your friend, and you like their personality enough platonically to want to hang out with them, AND fancy them enough to shag them, isnt that pretty much a Girl/Boy-Friend?

Ah ok, I see your point, I'd always just assumed "**** buddy" and "friends with benefits" meant the same thing?

As in you could be friends with someone, have no romantic feelings for them, and be having sex with them. I guess it's a question of degrees then, what you're saying would be on the ball for some people, whereas others would need more of a connection.

I'd probably be amongst the latter since I have people I would consider friends, who I would definitely sleep with (given the chance ) but would have no interest in romabtically. I definitely feel there's a difference between "love/caring/whatever" for a friend, as against the same toward a partner.

mahamageehad

RealEstateKing wrote: »

I just dont get it. And sure enough, she likes him. I reckon it's really just his way of having his cake and eating it: All the benefits of having a girlfriend with none of the downsides: Commitment, fidelity, treating them well and all the rest.

Maybe tru to an extent...or possibly he's just afraid of scarin her off if he tells her how he really feels??

farohar wrote: »

Thing is that you can like someone, trust them, fancy them and think they're great in the sack, doesn't mean you have feelings for them or are in love with them though.
**** buddies = being in lust with a friend as opposed to being in love with a friend.

Dats also tru. so maybe its best to stop sleepin together altogether for a while and see what it is you miss the most...the personality the closeness or simply the s£x!!

Nevyn

AngryBadger wrote: »

Ah ok, I see your point, I'd always just assumed "**** buddy" and "friends with benefits" meant the same thing?

Nope there are big differences.

LegacyUser

farohar wrote: »

I'd have to agree that the OP's language sounds rather uncertain in that she feels she'd only want more if he was interested in her. If she had strong feelings for the lad she'd want more plain and simple, regardless of what his input was. Perhaps it is a sort of "well there's nothing better available so I'll settle" mindset you've gotten yourself into OP?

No no It's not that i'd settle for him or anything like that!! I do genuinely like him, but I'm not the kind of person who'd go chasing someone I knew i couldn't have because, well whats the point? I do want more but obviously if he doesn't I'm not going to chase it, and it would probably return to just friends, I'm just wondering whether or not to go for it i suppose. Its difficult when it was kind of said yet unsaid in the beginning that this was it, its not going to be more than this. I just wonder because everyone always assumed we would get together, always assumed that he liked me but the fact that i was with someone was against that like. I know he wasn't 'actively' after me or anything because of the fact i had a boyfriend but at the same time the signals were there? I know girls tend to get emotionally attached easier but I'm not really like that, i can sort of push the emotion away as i have ben doing with this situation, just i know the feelings are there still. God I know that sounds so stupid!! Sorry for the delayed reply and thanks so much for all the helpful ones!