B/f gets mad when I wont have sex?

LegacyUser

Kinda similar to a problem here already...

Me and my b/f have been together for 5 years, and I wouldn't say our sex life is in the doldrums exactly - we have sex about 3/4 times a week, sometimes more.

My sex drive definitely isn't as high as his, in fact, it seems to have dwindled a lot in the past few months - I don't know why. Normally I'm too tired to do anything when we go to bed at night, then he'd ask me to give him a BJ but I'm too tired to do that either....this is pretty much a regular occurrence about 2/3 nights a week, and he doesn't really mind if I'm not in the mood 1 night, but of it's 2 nights in a row he gets really pissed off, and barely talks to me - apart from saying that our sex life is **** and how crap I am in bed.

I do explain that I'm tired and I really don't feel like doing anything, but he doesn't understand...and I feel guilty and a bit worried that my sex drive isn't high at all. It's never been exactly insatiable, but it def has decreased...and I don't know why. I did change pills recently, but that was only in the last week or so so I don't think it's anything to do with that...

pickarooney

Could it be that you just don't feel turned on by a guy who acts like a stroppy child and doesn't pay heed to your feelings?

LegacyUser

I can understand where he's coming from though, sometimes he says that my rejection of him really hurts him...and I feel so guilty about that I wish he'd understand that it's not about him though...I still fancy him and think he's gorgeous etc...it's just me

D.S.

originalposter wrote: »

he doesn't really mind if I'm not in the mood 1 night, but of it's 2 nights in a row he gets really pissed off, and barely talks to me - apart from saying that our sex life is **** and how crap I am in bed.

With all due respect OP, his attitude is not helping. Him making you feel guilty/crap for not being in the mood is not gonna help you one bit. Telling you you are 'crap in bed' when he doesn't get with he wants is just plain disrespectful and childish.

MJOR

Well no wonder you aren't jumping his bones.... If my boyf told me I was crap in bed I wouldn't indulge him either.

Your BF needs to understand that a sexual relationship contains two people and tow peoples wants/needs not just his.

In terms of lack of Libido it happens in ebbs and flows to everyone

Reku

originalposter wrote: »

Me and my b/f have been together for 5 years, and I wouldn't say our sex life is in the doldrums exactly - we have sex about 3/4 times a week, sometimes more.

i.e. a lot more often than most single people, perhaps worth pointing out to him.

originalposter wrote: »

he doesn't really mind if I'm not in the mood 1 night, but of it's 2 nights in a row he gets really pissed off, and barely talks to me - apart from saying that our sex life is **** and how crap I am in bed.

:eek:WTF!?!:mad: Not only is he getting angry but he's being mean and using rather personal insults. Firstly this is not likely to inspire amorous feelings in anyone short of them being into humiliation, secondly it stinks of him having little-no respect for you. You do not have to put up with this!

originalposter wrote: »

I do explain that I'm tired and I really don't feel like doing anything, but he doesn't understand...and I feel guilty and a bit worried that my sex drive isn't high at all. It's never been exactly insatiable, but it def has decreased...and I don't know why. I did change pills recently, but that was only in the last week or so so I don't think it's anything to do with that...

Peoples' sex drives, particularly females' can vary depending on many factors such as diet, sleep patterns, stress, hormones, etc..., it is in no way your fault that it's taken a dive lately and absolutely not your fault that it was never as high as his, different people have different libidos, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Do not let him make you feel bad about this or his claims that you're crap in bed, it's just childish domineering on his part, he feels crap about himself so he puts you down so you won't see his insecurity. I think you'll need to have a stern talk with him and explain to him how he's making you feel and that you are not willing to put up with it, if he really loves you he won't keep intentionally upsetting you.

estar

you should never tolerate or indulge
childish behaviour by trying to understand it rather than
telling them its not appropriate.
and making it easy for the person to do it again.


im not saying dump him, or don't try and
understand him, what im saying is - that by you
engaging with this kind of emotional blackmail
in the way you are - blaming yourself, then
you are facilitating your boyfriend in these sulks
and tirades.

life is too short to put up with a sulky
childish man, who insults and tries to hurt your
confidence to get his own way, and try and control
and dominate you so that you do what he wants
when he wants.

to most women sex is emotional. we feel like having
sex when we feel appreciated and are in harmony with
the other person, and thats what makes it special.

but when we feel obligated. under pressure.
that we hve to service someones needs.

then perhaps our libido dwindles, as we are not free
in our desires any more, but rather are there to service
someone else. and that is the single most off putting thing
in the world.

what about you and your feelings? does he ever ask about
that? does he ever cuddle and hold you for a night if
you dont want to have se% just so that you feel closer
to each other?

if a man wants to keep a relationship fresh and alive
if a woman is losing interest in se% then the absolute
last thing he should ever do is pressure her by saying
our se^ life is crap and you are crap in bed. instead
he should try and make her feel valued for herself
as well as for her body. and maybe pleasure her without
expecting it himself every now and again.
increase the romance. woo her. not jump up and down
like an ape going me want some.

by the way - the way he is acting now is going to be
how he acts over everything he doesnt get in your
future lives together

so either he changes or you learn to put up with it.

i know which option id be going for.

estar

sex is important though

it is part of the glue that stuck you together in the first place

it shouldnt be the only part, but it is important.

why not set aside some nights to go to bed early
talk things through the re-acquaint yourself with
the initial romance you had. that might sound a little
clinical - but in this busy world it may be necessary
to bump it up the list.

it has to be on your terms. if you are tired, hes not going
to explode if he only has it 1/2 times a week.

to be honest the cold shoulder routine is very off putting.

i think it shows evidence of a manipulative and childish
personality.

you sound caring and kind. you could probably do a hell of a lot
better.

LegacyUser

farohar wrote: »

i.e. a lot more often than most single people, perhaps worth pointing out to him.

:eek:WTF!?!:mad: Not only is he getting angry but he's being mean and using rather personal insults. Firstly this is not likely to inspire amorous feelings in anyone short of them being into humiliation, secondly it stinks of him having little-no respect for you. You do not have to put up with this!

I just want to clarify that most of the time he doesn't insult me like this, very seldom, unless we haven't had sex in a long time....

RedXIV

Break it to him nice and simple. Explain that there is a difference is the way both of your libidos work and it's not like you've decided to make it that way.

As for personal insults, thats not on. I'd be very VERY wary of a guy who does that. Echoing Estar, i'm not going to say break up with him over it but the ground rules definitly need to be reset and he needs a wake up call.

Lets face it, he's getting alot more action than the average guy and he's still throwing tantums? you don't need that. especially on days when you've already told him you're tired.

Be blunt. tell him that this behaviour is not attractive and could lead to break up. Might be the wake up call he needs

LegacyUser

estar wrote: »

sex is important though

it is part of the glue that stuck you together in the first place

it shouldnt be the only part, but it is important.

I know - which is why I feel so bad!

Reku

originalposter wrote: »

I know - which is why I feel so bad!

You're still gifting the lad with more sex than he'd have we're he single so don't let him make you think that you're doing something wrong/unfair. It sounds like he has a high sex drive whereas you've only an average one, but quite simply he is not coping with this in a remotely mature fashion. It's just something you're both going to have to learn to deal with and figure out other ways to celebrate being together when you just don't feel like having sex.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this. Do what I do tell him to masterbate to the point where he is ready to cum and then finish him off with hand, mouth, breasts etc. Only takes 2 minutes. Other suggestion is go to bed earlier and suggest to your bf no nookie if you are not in bed by 9pm so you can still get an early night.

D.S.

Unreg98101892 wrote: »

Going unreg for this. Do what I do tell him to masterbate to the point where he is ready to cum and then finish him off with hand, mouth, breasts etc. Only takes 2 minutes. Other suggestion is go to bed earlier and suggest to your bf no nookie if you are not in bed by 9pm so you can still get an early night.

Your not being serious here are you??

There are a couple of issues here:
- OP is suffering from a temporary fall off in libido (which is perfectly natural)
- OP's bf is making the OP feel guilty for not having sex

How does the above help the OP with her libido or with her bf???

LegacyUser

originalposter wrote: »

I just want to clarify that most of the time he doesn't insult me like this, very seldom, unless we haven't had sex in a long time....

Hey Op,

I'm the girl who posted yesterday about the same problem. I've only been with my boyfriend for 6 months though.
that in itself is worrrying me because surely we should in the honeymoon phase where w're tearing each others
clothes off. Anyway, I found it interesting that he asid you're crap in bed because my bf said the same thing to me!!
One night I wasn't in the mood and he got really worked up and said 'well you're sh*t in bed anyway'. Real mature.

I'm still so angry at him. I spoke to him yesterday and he said that he thinks I'm irrestible, so beautiful etc that he
wants me all the time. While that's a nice thing to say, I'm not gonna fall for false flattery. He still pushes me for sex
when I'm tired and evn when I felt unwell the other night he rolled over in a huff.

Being a child about it makes him even less sexy to me. God, I really am still furious with him because I think it's very wrong
and I don't like the fact that he made me feel so guilty. He also said when we spoke yesterday that he won't do it again and he holds
me in such high regard and he feels awful etc. I said okay, well if it doesn't stop - we stop.

I think I let him off easy though seeing as I'm still angry.

Hope it works out for you OP, I know EXACTLY how you feel although you seem more forgiving then me!!

Wurly

Ok, I understand that he may feel a bit rejected. But you have explained that its not him, its you sort of thing.

This

originalposter wrote: »

he gets really pissed off, and barely talks to me - apart from saying that our sex life is **** and how crap I am in bed.

.

Is appaling. You are crap in bed??? Well, that's really gonna make you want to sleep with him, isn't it!

If he cant go without sex 2 nights in a row without belittling you, then I think you need to look further than this issue in your relationship. Is that how you treat someone you love? In my opinion, no!

Beetlebum

D.S. wrote: »

Your not being serious here are you??

There are a couple of issues here:
- OP is suffering from a temporary fall off in libido (which is perfectly natural)
- OP's bf is making the OP feel guilty for not having sex

How does the above help the OP with her libido or with her bf???

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.

Why should she indulge him when he's acting like a spoilt child. He is suppossed to love her and respect her. Hassling her for sex when she's not in the mood and insulting her performance is a form of bullying. He needs to grow up and realsie that sex drives differ and he's actaully getting sex quite often too so he shouldn't be complaining at all.

Op - Good luck. Have a talk with him and explain how it's making you feel. Hopefully he'll see sense and start treating you with a lot more respect.

Make a decent effort to spoil him with a great session once a week instead of mediocre sex 2-3 times a week and tell him to grow up

jdivision

I think you should ask yourself why you're so tired? Maybe addressing that will boost your sex drive back to former levels? His attitude doesn't help obviously though

LegacyUser

Beetlebum wrote: »

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
Why should she indulge him when he's acting like a spoilt child. He is suppossed to love her and respect her. Hassling her for sex when she's not in the mood and insulting her performance is a form of bullying. He needs to grow up and realsie that sex drives differ and he's actaully getting sex quite often too so he shouldn't be complaining at all.
Op - Good luck. Have a talk with him and explain how it's making you feel. Hopefully he'll see sense and start treating you with a lot more respect.

Well if she thinks her boyfriend is a bully she can break up with him. I am providing a temp solution until she gets her mojo back. My guess is she just does not need as much sex as her bf. Thats a whole different issue.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies so far. I have to say myself that I don't deal with it in the best way myself, when he gets moody, I get moody as well, and I can't express myself in the way I want to...

fits

originalposter wrote: »

Normally I'm too tired to do anything when we go to bed at night, then he'd ask me to give him a BJ but I'm too tired to do that either......

sorry, I had to laugh at this. What a giver.

I havent read all the posts but really... why do you put up with this? I cant fathom it myself.

LegacyUser

fits wrote: »

sorry, I had to laugh at this. What a giver.

I havent read all the posts but really... why do you put up with this? I cant fathom it myself.

Well he knows I wound't want anything like that if I'm too tired!

LegacyUser

I found myself in the same position not too long ago where my gfriend would never be in the mood and i would have to beg for "attention" at times.

No matter how much we kissed and cuddled she would just rather go to bed than have sex.

I ended up cheating with an ex gfriend due to the frustration.

Feel guilty about it now but well worth it at the time.

fits

Unegisteredeed. wrote: »

I found myself in the same position not too long ago where my gfriend would never be in the mood and i would have to beg for "attention" at times.

Never in the mood, is not the same as 3-4 times a week is it?

No matter how much we kissed and cuddled she would just rather go to bed than have sex.

I ended up cheating with an ex gfriend due to the frustration.

Feel guilty about it now but well worth it at the time.

Wow you really confronted that head on and sorted out your issues didnt you?

Heres a hint, if your girlfriend says she is tired, run her a bath, give her a massage without expectation of reciprocation. Treat her with kindness and if she is knackered give her a cuddle as she falls asleep. Be good to her and she might begin to feel more loving and loved, and maybe the mood might take her for more. But it is important that all this is given with love and without any expectations.

It sounds totally corny, but its true to say that if you want to be with a great lover, become one yourself.

I would run a mile from any guy who behaved like the OPs boyfriend.

Bottle_of_Smoke

originalposter wrote:

can understand where he's coming from though, sometimes he says that my rejection of him really hurts him...and I feel so guilty about that I wish he'd understand that it's not about him though...I still fancy him and think he's gorgeous etc...it's just me

You sure about this? I think when women's libidos go down its the first sign they're losing interest in their partner. even if they don't realise it themselves. Out of sexual partners I've had the ones who were always up for it were the ones who really liked me.

You have to understand the boyfriends point of view, I'd be very suspicious if my girlfriend stopped wanting to have sex all of a sudden. Mainly suspicious that the girlfriend has lost interest but I'd also be mindful that girls who cheat tend to have less sex with their boyfriends.

He said you're crap in bed, is there any chance that was him saying "you're making no effort in bed". Perhaps he didn't want to say it in the real words as that would be admitting he thinks you've lost interest in him.

If it genuinely is just you not wanting to have sex as much I think you should just finish it, its not something he's gonna get over.

fits wrote:

I would run a mile from any guy who behaved like the OPs boyfriend.

In fairness most guys would run a mile from a girl who went from having regular sex to 3-4 times a week. Reading between the lines it sounds like the OP is just going through the motions when they do have sex & doesn't initiate sex herself, which is very important to guys.

I agree it's really immature of the guy to say she's crap in bed but I can understand it probably came out of frustration or an attempt to find out why his girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with him.

outspann

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

In fairness most guys would run a mile from a girl who went from having regular sex to 3-4 times a week.

Ha ha! I love it! Are you being serious?? 4 times a week isn't "regular"?

Jebus, I must get out (or possibly stay in) more. I honestly think that the number of times decreases with length of the relationship. Which is not a criticism. At the start of a relationship, having sex with each other is one thing that both people have in common. Not sure if you'd still be doing it every night of the week once you're together for a couple of years (after all, when would you get to watch Greys Anatomy?) To add another side to it - surveys would say twice a week is average.

But OP, the number of times is irrelevent - the bigger issue is how ye deal with your difference of opinion. There will always be an "issue" in a relationship - sex, money, jobs. If I were you, I'd try to improve on how ye discuss and solve an issue, rather than just concentrating on the issue itself.

ifonly

Hi op,
I'm a fella in a similar situation to your bf, I have a high sex drive but my gf hasnt, i feel rejected sometimes and get angry too.
I know its not your or her fault but when this happens i feel like i'm not loved and am really thinking about leaving her, i actually had more sex when i was single, maybe i'm just a hornbag but its how i am, like an earlier post said tell him to pull himself, maybe that was my gf???, but anyway my gf told me to do that and i was awake till 6am doing it and still no fountains??, but it is a problem for me really, i feel unloved, rejected, thinking she doesnt love me, coz when we met she was mad for it, in past relationships i felt inadequit coz i'd cum too soon, now i can go for hours sometimes and still not cum and she cums after 5-10 mins and thats it for me. i know this aint much help but i connect love and sex as 1, and without 1 i cant feel the other.
But thats me, men are from mars, woman from venus.
Best of luck anyway

EDIT: I have tried to talk about this and asked her to give her side of the story but to no avail, i try to be open and honest but its like talking to a wall!!!

fits

You have to understand the boyfriends point of view, I'd be very suspicious if my girlfriend stopped wanting to have sex all of a sudden. Mainly suspicious that the girlfriend has lost interest but I'd also be mindful that girls who cheat tend to have less sex with their boyfriends.

She hasnt stopped wanting to have sex. They still have regular sex. That is a rather ridiculous leap to be making. And in no way excuses the behaviour described.

In fairness most guys would run a mile from a girl who went from having regular sex to 3-4 times a week.

So whats your idea of regular sex then? C'mon the poor fellow is hardly sex-starved is he?

Reading between the lines it sounds like the OP is just going through the motions when they do have sex & doesn't initiate sex herself, which is very important to guys.

Compared to her considerate boyfriend who demands a blowjob when she's not in the mood, and goes into a sulk if he doesnt get his way.

I agree it's really immature of the guy to say she's crap in bed but I can understand it probably came out of frustration or an attempt to find out why his girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with him.

Well the way he is behaving, he is only driving her further away. Being told you are crap in bad is hardly going to increase the libido is it?

If he's worth it, I suppose a bit of communication would be key here to addressing this behaviour. Or else just kick him onto the couch the next time he throws one of his tantrums.

WilmaRidesAgain

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

You have to understand the boyfriends point of view, I'd be very suspicious if my girlfriend stopped wanting to have sex all of a sudden. Mainly suspicious that the girlfriend has lost interest but I'd also be mindful that girls who cheat tend to have less sex with their boyfriends.

He said you're crap in bed, is there any chance that was him saying "you're making no effort in bed". Perhaps he didn't want to say it in the real words as that would be admitting he thinks you've lost interest in him.

If it genuinely is just you not wanting to have sex as much I think you should just finish it, its not something he's gonna get over.

I agree with this, too many times its happens that at the start of a relationship a person is happy to have plenty of sex and then inexplicably after a certain amount of time they are suddenly "tired" all the time, when it really turns out they either actually have a low libido which they have been disguising or they have mentally moved on without telling their partner. So think of it from his point of view, something has changed drastically and he doesn't know what.

If there is a difference between now and a while back, you need to ask yourself why and then when you know, explain it to him so he knows what to expect. But dont unilaterally decide how much is "enough" -involve him too.

I know he's not handled it all that well, but if you go from plenty to rations without communicating why to him and also letting him know what to expect for the future he is bound to be very confused and panicked, remember he does not know how bad this could possibly get, for all he knows he could end up with nothing or next to nothing.....seems mad but thats what he could be thinking!

If it is a case that you are going through a temporary problem seek medical help and let him know you are doing that so he is not panicking that this is the shape of things to come.

If its that your sex drive has tapered off and this is its natural level also tell him this so he is in the picture.

Making excuses and saying your "tired" is just confusing the fella even more, be honest with him and you cant go wrong!

grainne_ed

Sexdoll wrote: »

Hey Op,

I'm the girl who posted yesterday about the same problem. I've only been with my boyfriend for 6 months though.
that in itself is worrrying me because surely we should in the honeymoon phase where w're tearing each others
clothes off. Anyway, I found it interesting that he asid you're crap in bed because my bf said the same thing to me!!
One night I wasn't in the mood and he got really worked up and said 'well you're sh*t in bed anyway'. Real mature.

I'm still so angry at him. I spoke to him yesterday and he said that he thinks I'm irrestible, so beautiful etc that he
wants me all the time. While that's a nice thing to say, I'm not gonna fall for false flattery. He still pushes me for sex
when I'm tired and evn when I felt unwell the other night he rolled over in a huff.

Being a child about it makes him even less sexy to me. God, I really am still furious with him because I think it's very wrong
and I don't like the fact that he made me feel so guilty. He also said when we spoke yesterday that he won't do it again and he holds
me in such high regard and he feels awful etc. I said okay, well if it doesn't stop - we stop.

I think I let him off easy though seeing as I'm still angry.

Hope it works out for you OP, I know EXACTLY how you feel although you seem more forgiving then me!!

Your BF sound like a child. Dont put up with it.

Find someone better.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am in a similiar position to your BF where i dont think my wife and i have enough sex, i'd like more. We have sex average once a week ( so from from what you say if you and your BF are having ex 3/4 times a week, that's lots, in my opinion) It's always been like this with my wife and is quiet frustrating. We do talk about it and she does acknowledge it but it doesn't really change. We've been married 4 months but going out nearly 8yrs. Sex was great for first year but then started to die off, it has caused issues between us, probably was less considerate when younger (23/24)

On the other hand i love her very much, think she is gorgeous, great person and i cant imagine life without her and to me those things are very important.We have a great life, travel where ever we want, have seen most of the world together, have a good life that most of our friends and family say they would love.

We do argue about it sometimes and being honest, sometimes i do get in a huff over it aswell but i try not to as i know doing that wont solve it, will make her feel worse as it is something she is conscious about so i dont want to make her feel bad either but i suppose it still doesn't really change either even after we talk.

I'd never cheat on her, although being honest again, the thought crossed my mind if i just went out and had a one night stand or something, maybe it would get out of my system but on the other hand i dont want to do that to her either.

Not really sure if that helps, probably doesn't, probably me having a rant but it is a difficult situation to resolve as it can end up in a viscious degenerative circle.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm a female and with my partner almost a year. I adore him but his sex drive has been non existant the past three months. No matter what I try, he is simply just not up for it.

I am met at the door after work with 'oh I'm exhausted' (9-5 job for him btw and not too stressful by any means) and I just know that translates as 'don't even try it on'. Yet he has time and energy for a drink or doing something he wants to.

It can very be frustrating, I understand that we all have bad days but your sex life sounds healthy at 2/3 times per week. It was a month ago the last time I experienced it! Everytime I try to talk about it (rationally and without blame) He turns it into an arguement. For me, I think it is time to move on because intimacy is an important part of my life but not so for him

good luck with it!

Bottle_of_Smoke

fits wrote: »

She hasnt stopped wanting to have sex. They still have regular sex. That is a rather ridiculous leap to be making. And in no way excuses the behaviour described.


So whats your idea of regular sex then? C'mon the poor fellow is hardly sex-starved is he?

The point is something's obviously changed, clearly 3-4 times a week isn't regular compared to what she used to be up for.

Compared to her considerate boyfriend who demands a blowjob when she's not in the mood, and goes into a sulk if he doesnt get his way.



Well the way he is behaving, he is only driving her further away. Being told you are crap in bad is hardly going to increase the libido is it?

You're not following logic here, you're just mentioning bad things he did. By suggesting she's just going through the motions doesn't mean I condone his behaviour.

I think he said the crap in bed thing to get a response, doesn't make it right but it suggeests she won't give him a good reason for a sudden change in her behaviour.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

The point is something's obviously changed, clearly 3-4 times a week isn't regular compared to what she used to be up for.

No it's always been like this...maybe the odd time we'd do it every night of the week but that's rare!