Where am I going wrong?

fatgav

I've never posted here before so, before I start, apologies for using you all as soundboards for my problems without giving anything in return. I'd just read a few threads and it inspired me to talk out loud about myself and see what happens.

This may be long

I was gonna post as anon but I've decided to be as open as I can be (while in a forum of strangers using a nickname...)

To introduce myself I'm Gavin. From the West. 22 years old. Going into final year college in September and I've got a pretty decent job, albeit part-time. On the surface all is well. I know I'm lucky in many ways. Cash isn't a problem. Family are grand, and I have friends - no complaints there at all.

Yet I'm not happy. I've not been in a very very long time. I don't think it's depression. At least I hope not. If I'm honest the route of it is my love life...in that I don't have one. My last proper gf was 4 years ago nearly. That didn't end well and I let it get the better of me for a while. Though I'm over her I never really moved on. That dosen't make sense. I felt sorry for myself for a long time and I think that I'm now too cautious.

I lack self confidence. Won't deny that. I'm a pessimist as well. But I'm pretty open with people, I think. Never hide anything.

Looks... I'm not the best, but I'm not the worst. I'm a but portly but I'm trying to work that off and I'm not as fat as my nickname suggests. I've had a few women interested in me but.. none of them are my type. by a few i mean 2 for sure, maybe 3 or 4. I was never interested in going out with any of them. I've been into a few as well, but I've never made anything happen. Self doubt and all that. These women generally are/become friends but no more.

I'm a nice person. I do believe that. I'm honest and genuine and I do right by others. I think I've always hoped that that would get me by and get women to like me but it hasn't. I've always felt that I deserved a helping hand, but I never got one. I know I should probably do more to make things happen but... it just hasn't worked out that way.

This has become a relationship rant, when I didn't mean it to. I want to evaluate my life. I want to be a better person. I want, most importantly, to be happy. A gf would help, but so would self confidence.

I just don't know where I'm going wrong.

Sorry if this has been too long. Thanks for reading.

jonevin

hey cheer up ur young
i know life can seem depressing and lonley at times but think about what u have going for you at the moment
a job neaaly fin college nice family........ thats a lot take it from me!!
Maybe u havent put yourself out there enough, it can take years to meet somone no matter whether ur fat ,skinny, tall ,short, pretty, ugly whatever
have you tried speed dating/ internet an stuff dont be shy i met my partner on a dating site purely because i was sick of getting chatted up by loosers in pubs when they are drunk.
u have to believe in yourself before anyone else can

LegacyUser

Hi Gavin,

You said you didn't want your post to become a relationship rant but it did, and that's telling in itself.

Look, I'd guess there are more single people in their twenties than coupled up people. That's a hell of a lot of interesting, intelligent, fun people to connect with, not necessarily for a relationship but to learn about, befriend and enjoy life with.

I got into my first serious relationship at 27. At some points it got me down being single and I used to have moments of unhappiness and lonliness. But I forced myself to snap out of it.

The key is to find what does make you happy.
That can be anything from watching footie to travelling to a job you love doing. And throw yourself into that.

I went off to Oz for a year, met some great people, made new friends. When I returned I got a new job, again met different people, made new friends.

For my holidays from work I always made a huge effort to save and go somewhere I really wanted to go. With various friends I travelled all over SE Asia, America, Europe, back to Oz. I'd come back to work after three weeks away totally revitalised.

Decided I'd always wanted to try a particular sport, so took that up and I can honestly say it changed my life. Not only did I find an outlet, something to focus on and goals to aim for but I also came into contact with some great people of all ages.

I find setting goals for yourself, achievable goals, is one way to stay on track and keep focussed.
Not "I want a girlfriend by Christmas", pick a goal that YOU can achieve with YOUR effort alone. If you happen to meet someone along the way, great.

Life can be tough sometimes. At the moment you're doing well on that front with a good family and friends. It mightn't always be like this, so enjoy it.

The age I'm at now (and I'm not massively older than you) is the age when you find yourself going to five or six funerals a year as friends' parents pass away and you see your own parents getting old and needing a bit of help. So take stock of what you DO have now. You can only work with what you have.

Enjoy the freedom you have now and best of luck!

fatgav

no i never used them jonevin. i guess that's cos of the stigma attached to them. i know they work for a lot of people, but when you're 22 I guess there's the feeling that you shouldn't have to need them.

thanks for the reply

MJOR

Totally understand where your at. I have kinda been there. Thing about us women is we are in the main attracted to confidence which you are slightly lacking.

You atarted off listing all the things you're pleased about... Good start.
These are all the things that will make you attractive because they are elements of your life that make you feel better.

Your weight.... Don't let it get you down not all men have a six pack (the one i know do but its usually a six pack of heineken)

Focus on the positive... If you actively look for a woman you'll smell of desperation.

Go out treat yourself to a new shirt, haircut and pair of jeans and a new aftershave, that'll start you on your way to a new mindset.

You're not depressed i don't think just going thru a "down" period. Talk about your feelings and anxieties. It'll help.

estar

its down to the confidance and the positive or negative outlook.

ive met fat ugly short guys who always have girlfriends
because they are just quietly confidant in who they are.
they don't make excuses for themselves, they enjoy
who they are and life, and people are drawn to that.

its not about looks. you sound like you have a lot going for you.
sometimes it takes people a while to grow into their own personality
and feel at ease with themselves. once that happens
you will have more confidance in yourself, and a more
positive outlook on life.

you sound quite sensitive as well, which can be a good or a bad thing.
everyone gets rejected. everyone. no matter what they look like,
earn etc. you must learn that unless its happening a hell of a lot,
its not personal. its just life. so you pick yourself up and move on.

start appreciating yourself. if you dont appreciate and enjoy
being you, then how can you expect someone else to?

like us all, you have good and bad points.

but focus on the good points for a while. the things you
have to offer. find the things in life you have to be grateful
for and appreciate them.

lose weight and get fit if you want to. but if you dont
also work on your self esteem you will just be a thinner
version of the previous person.

happiness sometimes is a choice. its realising that no,
you are never going to be as rich as you wanted, or
that great novelist / philosopher you wanted to be,
but that that is ok, and you will make the most of the
hand you have rather than wishing for something you havent.

herya

fatgav wrote: »

I'm a nice person. I do believe that. I'm honest and genuine and I do right by others. I think I've always hoped that that would get me by and get women to like me but it hasn't.

Now these are the features which for me (female) are very important in a bloke (or in fact any other person). Continue to be yourself and first of all try and find what makes you satisfied and energetic even if you are single at the mo. You will find friends and you will find girlfriends, when you stop worrying about finding them they'll come after you in flocks... Speaking from experience!

RedXIV

fatgav wrote: »

no i never used them jonevin. i guess that's cos of the stigma attached to them. i know they work for a lot of people, but when you're 22 I guess there's the feeling that you shouldn't have to need them.

thanks for the reply

Howya OP!

Just because this post in partcular caught my eye, Get rid of the idea that the internet is a bad place to meet people, it's the same as every other way, the people that don't like it are the ones that don't use it and only hear the urban myths of guys going on dates with a picture of a supermodel who turns out to be a 500lb bald guy named Steve. In heels.

But it can work. I met an extraordinarily attractive woman two weeks ago from the internet and i mean the kind of girl who just has to walk through a room to own the male half of it. So i personally vouch for the internets.

Confidence is the key to what you desire, trust me on this. There have been enough threads in this forum on the subject recently for me to KNOW this is true. And anything about relationships or fear or women in this forum you should read. seriously.

If you can build up your confidence, you will find all your issues will fade away and more importantly, you'll be happy. And building up confidence isn't that hard. Just put yourself out there a bit more. Do things you've wanted to do so you have something else to be proud of. Finish your degree, dress well, learn a skill, pick up a hobby, there are soooo many options here for you mate that your only problem is that you haven't seen them yet.

Best of Luck

Red

Wurly

fatgav wrote: »

I've never posted here before so, before I start, apologies for using you all as soundboards for my problems without giving anything in return. I'd just read a few threads and it inspired me to talk out loud about myself and see what happens.

This may be long

I was gonna post as anon but I've decided to be as open as I can be (while in a forum of strangers using a nickname...)

To introduce myself I'm Gavin. From the West. 22 years old. Going into final year college in September and I've got a pretty decent job, albeit part-time. On the surface all is well. I know I'm lucky in many ways. Cash isn't a problem. Family are grand, and I have friends - no complaints there at all.

Yet I'm not happy. I've not been in a very very long time. I don't think it's depression. At least I hope not. If I'm honest the route of it is my love life...in that I don't have one. My last proper gf was 4 years ago nearly. That didn't end well and I let it get the better of me for a while. Though I'm over her I never really moved on. That dosen't make sense. I felt sorry for myself for a long time and I think that I'm now too cautious.

I lack self confidence. Won't deny that. I'm a pessimist as well. But I'm pretty open with people, I think. Never hide anything.

Looks... I'm not the best, but I'm not the worst. I'm a but portly but I'm trying to work that off and I'm not as fat as my nickname suggests. I've had a few women interested in me but.. none of them are my type. by a few i mean 2 for sure, maybe 3 or 4. I was never interested in going out with any of them. I've been into a few as well, but I've never made anything happen. Self doubt and all that. These women generally are/become friends but no more.

I'm a nice person. I do believe that. I'm honest and genuine and I do right by others. I think I've always hoped that that would get me by and get women to like me but it hasn't. I've always felt that I deserved a helping hand, but I never got one. I know I should probably do more to make things happen but... it just hasn't worked out that way.

This has become a relationship rant, when I didn't mean it to. I want to evaluate my life. I want to be a better person. I want, most importantly, to be happy. A gf would help, but so would self confidence.

I just don't know where I'm going wrong.

Sorry if this has been too long. Thanks for reading.

Ok, OP. I am now into my 5th year being single. Only recently have I become completely okay with it. Being single for a long time does make you question yourself - am I a complete minger? Whats wrong with me? etc etc.

What i've discovered is (and I cant believe i'm admitting it) is that happiness comes from within. I know I sound like an airy fairy pain the buttocks but its true. When I look back over the past 4 years, I now know that I wouldn't have been ready for a relationship. I still had emotional baggage to get rid of, I wasn't happy in myself and I kept looking to others to make me happy.

Now, well I think i'm nearly ready. But what I have done is invested in myself. I have a busy schedule, all packed with stuff that I have chosen for myself and that I enjoy. I am learning to be happy with myself and most impotantly, I now enjoy my own company and am okay with being alone.

I suspect that when I was out on the 'pull', I gave off a desperate and somewhat neurotic vibe because I had to find someone - NOW!!:rolleyes:

Now, when I go out, I am out to enjoy the company of my friends and have a laugh. Anything else is a bonus. And if I come home with no numbers in my pocket, well, so be it. At least I had a great night regardless.

So my point is, get out there and have fun. Embrace who you are. And with regards to the looks thing - (which is all complete superficial bullsh*t anyway) how can you quantify what is good looking? One person could look at me and say, she is the biggest minger I ever laid eyes on. Another could say, wow, she is the most beautiful girl in the world.

What anyone thinks of you is not your business. What you think of you, is! Most of the guys I dated were not considered 'stunners' but it was who they were as people that morphed them into the most fabulous looking men I had ever laid eyes on.

Work on your happiness and the rest will work out, promise.

Gina Brel

Hi Gavin,
reading your post a few times ,what struck me was how it's not a relationship rant at all(about not having a girlfriend)but a stream of thoughts about how you feel about yourself.
That I believe is the root of your unhappiness,not the lack of a girlfriend.

What in your life past or present makes you happy?
What do you really like about yourself?
What are you grateful for in your life?
Just some questions to ask yourself.Try and shift your perspective to the positive e.g.what you have made work in your life?What you've learned from past relationships etc etc
At the end of the day you've to give yourself the helping hand if you know what I mean.You've to be good to you.Noone can really do that for you.All the best.
p.s. maybe start with changing your user name
Am not being cheeky its just it doesnt suit you

Rayven199

MJOR wrote: »

Totally understand where your at. I have kinda been there. Thing about us women is we are in the main attracted to confidence which you are slightly lacking.

You atarted off listing all the things you're pleased about... Good start.
These are all the things that will make you attractive because they are elements of your life that make you feel better.

Your weight.... Don't let it get you down not all men have a six pack (the one i know do but its usually a six pack of heineken)

Focus on the positive... If you actively look for a woman you'll smell of desperation.

Go out treat yourself to a new shirt, haircut and pair of jeans and a new aftershave, that'll start you on your way to a new mindset.

You're not depressed i don't think just going thru a "down" period. Talk about your feelings and anxieties. It'll help.

I was thinking exactly the same as MJOR, focus on the positive things in your life!

Act confident and soon you will feel confident! As MJOR says above,get yourself a few nice new things, if you look goog you will feel good too!

Also,dont worry about the weight,i personally like a man with a bit of meat on them,my own boyfriend has a decent bit (im not calling him fat either!) but what im trying to say if different strokes, theres someone out there for everyone!

Dont focus on trying to find a girlfriend,focus on having fun and enjoying yourself and the rest will follow!

LegacyUser

Hi Gavin,

Well I've been there and done that and come out the other side.

As another poster said - the key is self-confidence and self esteem.

Things you can address:

Looks - get to the gym and play some sport - i was not sporty in my youth but I've forced myself into it and absolutely love it now. Still not great at it but have fun and meet loads of people. Like yourself I would have some weight issues but I'm not seriously off the scale. When I'm doing some sport I feel like I look better and am at a better weight - the ironic thing is my weight never actually changes much - I just feel much better in myself and much more self confident as a result.

Try to do whatever you are doing as well as possible - being good at something is great for self confidence.

If there is something you are afraid of doing - do it! I actually look forward to things that make me a bit nervous, uneasy now - because I know when I do it I'm improving myself.

Dress well - ask a friends advice, buy clothes that fit you well. Keep clean and smell nice.

As for getting a girlfriend - self confidence is the key but here are some more specific tips:

Learn how to chat easily with women (actually anyone) - you can practice on anyone - shop assistants, the girl in the petrol station. The more you interact with people the better you'll become at it.
Learn to become interesting. How? Keep up to date on news, sports - have an opinion. Learn to be funny. How? Watch comedy - I like US Office, Seinfeld (George is hilarious because I see a lot of myself in him), Flight of the Conchords.

You're going to get this wrong a few times. Who cares?!

You say you're nice and genuine which is great - but IT'S NOT ENOUGH! Don't stop being nice - but spice it up a bit. Tease girls a bit - take the mick out of them but do it with a wry smile and a sense of humour. Don't stray into arrogance - keep it light and easy.

Don't put a girl on a pedestal or let her become your be-all and end-all. She won't like it and it won't be good for you.

As for past girlfriend - I've discovered that nothing anything does/says to you is ever personal - so don't take it personally. I've been devastated from breakups in the past - but if someone breaks up with you (or makes you feel bad in anyway) that's all just because of the way THEY have been treated by every interaction in their life up to that point. Sounds a bit cheesy i know but it works for me. Also this applies to the way you treat other people so forgive yourself for anytime you did something nasty.

Maybe give the girls you weren't interested a chance - don't lead them on if you really have no interest - but you're young - there's nothing wrong with going on a few dates with people to work out if there's any compatability. Plus you can only learn from experience.

Google DoubleYourDating and check out "Attraction isn't a choice" - I was amazed by how well this stuff works - it's not about scoring loads of women - it's about understanding how people are attracted to each other. Will make you understand why being nice and genuine BY ITSELF hasn't worked for you - although you've got a good place to start from there.

Good luck!

fatgav

Hey all. thanks for the replies. I've had a quick read through them and they've given me plenty to mull over. Haven't the time right now to answer fully, but I will tonight. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who read and replied while I was on

fatgav

Firstly. Thanks again guys.

I appreciate everyone who took time out and shared wisdom. It's nice to see decency. I'll try to reply to most of you here, at least what stood out for me.

Some general things first. I'm not, in life, a downbeat person which i seem to have come off as. Like I said I have friends. I regard myself as funny. I'm intelligent and as I said before, I'm honest and decent and genuine. In those aspects i can be confident and, as you have all said, perhaps I should focus on all of that as opposed to being on a downer.

The reason I posted, I think, is twofold. Firstly, I hate unloading troubles on friends. Now don't get me wrong, I do it. It's just, I always feel guilty about it afterwards. I know that's silly, but I guess that when I'm trying to be happy or at least show myself off as in decent humour, revealing my true feelings isn't pleasant. And secondly, I guess I feel stuck in a rut as well, as regards the love life. Thats just how it gets I suppose, but that still dosen't make it easy to live with. I've been hoping for a long time now that things will pick up, but they haven't. I let it get me down at times, when I shouldn't.

MJOR and rayven- I've never been one to treat myself with clothes as a pick-me-up, but I appreciate what you say. And as regards beer I'm glad to say I don't drink Heineken

estar - your points on losing weight not being the answer hit home too. I'm exercising to shed a few pounds but I'm not a very big guy. On the BMI scale, I'm in the overweight category but not the obese. I'm a sporty guy so I like to stay fit and with heart trouble in the family I'm conscious of colhestrol. However, I do agree that I have to realise that working out won't solve my problems, but I'll keep at it.

herya = thanks for the compliments. Not sure I agree with your final sentiments, but thanks.

Gina Brel - I like the nickname, honest It was given to me by someone else a long time ago and it's meant in a light hearted, self depricating manner. It may not be the most attractive, granted, but it's not an insight into me as a dark person or anything like that. But thank you for realising my post was a stream of consciousness because that's what it was.. and probably this one as well!


The confidence tip is running throughout most of your replies, so I guess it has to be right. The problem is, I'm not confident. I've never been one to go out on the pull in a club. That's not me. I dance like a shopping trolley and much prefer somewhere I can talk and chat etc. I've always found that I can manage that, but I've never been really able to have that 'killer instinct' (meant in it's nicest way possible) to make a move on a girl.

i do try to be nice, and upbeat, but i'm insecure. And I've been knocked back a few times, like everyone I guess. I'm too cautious, I know, but I don't know a way I can get over that.

My life is good, so I try not to let this get me down. Yet it does. I have passions, I just have no one to share them with, not in the way I'd like to. Things are good, and while I know I should be happy about that, I still feel like they can be better.

I'm facing into a crossroads in my life soon, regarding my career and college, and tough choices will have to be made. I'd really like to have this part of my life right so I can be positive when times inevitably get tough.

MJOR

Hey Gav,
I know how you feel in terms of the cross roads it's one of the hardest points you'll come to but also the most exciting...

Don't be afraid to lean on people it's what they are there for.....

Women are attracted to guys like you..... but moreso whan they are looking for a life partner.. so in their late 20's early 30's.

Nice guys all win out eventually. For the record I am a curvy girl but had the whole lack of confidence. I have adopted the attitude I am what i am.

fatgav

ya i guess MJOR. I"m just lookin for a bit more, you know? Happiness and all that...

I'm not saying that I'll ever be 100% hapy cos I don't believe in that but I'm ready for more then I have now and I'd like it to happen.

MJOR

It'll happen... you're better off waiting for the right girl than settling for second best. Honestly it will happen.... But that new shirt... It can be your magic one for when you go out and chat up the ladies.

:Di am surprised you want anything to do with us after reading some of the other threads about ladies:D

You're a nice guy and trust me the girls will be flocking to you once you radiate confidence

fatgav

ah now MJOR - you know as well as I do a life with a woman is better then a life without.

And I'll consider your advice on the shirt - you're very insistant!

MJOR

fatgav wrote: »

ah now MJOR - you know as well as I do a life with a woman is better then a life without.

And I'll consider your advice on the shirt - you're very insistant!

Buy a nice bottle of Platinum by Chanel for yourself too.... Its fab and not many men wear it (trust me i worked in a fragrance place) Its a guaranteed lady killer!!!!!!!

Honestly I know that life is a way better with another person to share things but ONLY if they are the right person.:o

SarahSassy

MJOR wrote: »

life is a way better with another person to share things but ONLY if they are the right person.:o

This is the best advice you will ever get....

SarahSassy

fatgav wrote: »

I'm not saying that I'll ever be 100% hapy cos I don't believe in that but I'm ready for more then I have now and I'd like it to happen.

I do think its possible to be 100% happy but I dont think its possible 100% of the time....

Its good that you have gotten to the stage whereby you know that you want a relationship... At least when you do meet someone nice and decent you wont want to mess her around - well done!!!

fatgav

thanks sarah. i think i am ready. getting there will be the tough part but I'm willing to try. it won't be easy, but i'll aim to be a little bit more positive than usual and see where that takes me