I think my Boyfriend is a passive aggressive?!

LegacyUser

Been going out with my boyfriend for 2 years now... all is going good but just some times he brings up little things I've done in the past only to tell me that it annoyed him back then!! I laugh at the sheer pettiness of it and the fact that it has obviously been brewing for all that time but he waits for 6 months down the line to bring it up.Then we end up having a row over it and I can't for the life of me see where the hell he's coming from..

I've read up on passive aggression. Don't know for sure if he may have a touch of it.... Has anyone got any advise as to what I can do... Should i maybe mention it to him?

Love him to bits but I just find that kind of behaviour odd at times?

akamossy

Maybe ya sit him down and talk to him about it. It can be quite annoying when people bring things up from the past. Now i won't turn around and say i haven't done it because i have but now repeatedly. If its being done repeatedly i could see how irritating it could get and it could def kill a relationship.

Unneccessary fights are never a good thing, so i reckon the only thing you can do if you want it to stop is to talk to him about it. Ask him why he feels the need to bring things up 6 months down the line. If something happens it should be dealt with at the time and then left in the past.

estar

it becomes null and void and no longer counts


if it takes him that long to figure out
if something bothered him then surely its not life
threatening

passive agressive is a personality that inflicts pain
or discomfort on themselves or allows others to
in order to be satisfied or to prove a point or to get
their own way.

rather than saying - i want that, or saying im angry
they punish and manipulate in order to express their
aggression. so instead of being open and saying
that really annoyed me, they will deny you love,
without telling you why, ignore you, pull away and
generally control passively rather than being openly
aggressive.

rather than complicating matters by analysing your
boyfriend - decide what you want and tell him.

tell him you want him to be more open if he is annoyed
and that you must communicate about it there and then.

bringing up stuff ten years later - thats ineffective and
won't get him what he wants. in fact it just makes his arguement
rather annoying and pointless.

if he says - no i can't change - then say - well dont expect
me to take that kind of rubbish seriously then.

sometimes to indulge is to encourage.

akamossy

estar wrote: »

it becomes null and void and no longer counts

sometimes to indulge is to encourage.

+1

estar

if you had the arguement, the apology and the resolution
then it is now in the past and no longer counts.

eg. he cheats, you find out and you fight, you forgive him,
he buys you flowers etc etc, then six months later he crashes
your car. you dont bring up when he cheated. deal with the
here and now and leave the past in the past or don''t forgive
at all. you punish once. not every single time you row.

and vice versa.

ryoishin

Its possible that past relationships have thought him to be this way. To keep things for ammo in case of future arguements.

brown-dog

It sounds like he may have picked this up from another relationship like ryoishin said above so sit him down and ask him why he does it and say that it makes you uncomfortable etc....

LegacyUser

akamossy wrote: »

+1

I totally agree with your statement, my very passive in nature and I realise his arguement is pointless?!! I won't be bringing it up again.

kevmy

estar wrote: »

passive agressive is a personality that inflicts pain
or discomfort on themselves or allows others to
in order to be satisfied or to prove a point or to get
their own way.

rather than saying - i want that, or saying im angry
they punish and manipulate in order to express their
aggression. so instead of being open and saying
that really annoyed me, they will deny you love,
without telling you why, ignore you, pull away and
generally control passively rather than being openly
aggressive.

So most women are passive agressive:D

Look OP personally I wouldn't put to much stock in personality types or that kind of thing. They may work in the hands of a clinical psychologist but should be left out of it by regular Joes.

Deal with the issue at hand.

Your problem with him seems to be him bringing up stuff from the past. Raise this issue with him. Start by saying everything is on the table and he can say whatever he likes (past or present) but once you have the issue sorted ancient history is ancient history. Unless it is extremely relevant - for example cheating on you a year ago, cheating on you know - an obvious connection.

akamossy

Tell him if you do not bring up previous arguments from 6 mths ago, then you don't see why he should do it. It's very unfair to you and hes probably bringing up stuff just mentioned in the heat of the moment.

How are you expected to move on in this relationship if you cannot leave the past behind ye!!

MJOR

Some people are just bad at letting go.....

Explain to him that you don't really think that bringing all that stuff up later has any point. He probably doesn't realise he is doing it.

If it is because of a past relationship...... Tell him to cop on you're a different person