Inheritance Nightmare

BanzaiBk

Hi guys,

a few months ago my lifelong best friend died after a long term illness. I, along with her family and everyone else, was absolutely devastated. She literally is my first thought in the morning and my last at night. We had a very close relationship, and I would almost consider her family as my own.

Yesterday her will was released and it appears that she has left me a lot of her more personal possessions as well and some money. I am no longer living in Ireland so I was told via email by her mother. At first I thought it was strange but I guessed she was too upset to chat about it. Truly I am delighted that she wanted me to have some things that were so special to her, at the same time though I worried about how her parents would feel about leaving them go. I replied to the email somewhat cautiously, explaining my fears etc and the reply was probably what I should have expected.

Her parents are very upset that not only did she leave me money (2500EUR) that "her nephews could have used" but she left some of her personal effects to me as well. I really am confused about what to do. The money is a non issue to me. Thankfully I'm not in the want of it and her family could use it better for her nephews. The thing is, I really would love and treasure some of the personal items she wanted me to have. They hold some really important memories to me and I would prize them for as long as I had them. At the same time I don't want to upset her family any more than they already have been.

Am I being selfish in wanting those items? Should I just leave them be and let her family have them?

Thanks for any replies.

challengemaster

Firstly I'd like to say, sorry, and I hope you're ok.

No you're not a bit selfish imo. Your friend has decided to leave whatever she did, to you, for a reason. If I were to take a guess, whatever she's left to you, probably either has very significant meaning for either or both of ye. I think her family are being quite selfish towards you, as you're just as entitled to remember her the way she wanted as her family is - that's what a will is all about. Making sure the people close to you have something to remember you by.

Your friend wanted you to have these things. Personally I think if you don't take them, you'll regret it yourself, and you'd also somehow be disregarding your friends wishes.

cHaTbOx

If your Friend wanted you to have them ,it was her wish and she must of taken her parent into consideration.

Yes by all means if you think the nephews deserve the money more than you ,give that,but there's a reason a will is made and that is to give your belonging to someone you think deserves them.

Keep the belongings with your memories and dont feel guilty ,she wanted you to have them.It will help having memory tokens to get over this grief.I'm sorry for your loss. Take care

BankMan

From a purely logical perspective ignoring all emotion attached to the situation, your friend had a wish to leave you some personal effects as well as some money. Whoever is administering the will has a legal obligation to ensure that you friends last wishes are carried out, and I believe anyone connected to the will should view the will as gospel.

I've come across this type of situation may times. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't view the gift as optional. Your friend felt strongly enough about it to put in writing before she passed away, I reckon you have an obligation to accept that, as does her family.

Hope this helps, and my sympathies for your loss.

Strokesfan

Take the belongings she wanted you to have, whatever about the money.

I think if you don't live in Ireland, you won't really have to see the family all the time and they should appreciate it if you do leave the money to them to divide up.

Don't feel guilty, grieving people are very touchy and over-sensitized, they'll soften.

preilly79

why not offer to hold the money in a high interest-earning bank account or managed fund until such time that the nephews are attending college, at which point you will divide the funds equally?

depending on the market and how long it is before the nephews enrol in college, you might earn enough to satisfy their financial needs plus a little extra to cover the administration costs.

Money talk aside, my sincerest condolences on your loss.

BigglesMcGee

I think its very mean of your friends family to question the wishes in the will.
Your friend wanted you to have some things, then you must accept them. Regarding the money, if you dont want it tell the family that if they feel that strongly that they want to go against her wishes then they should take it and do what they want with it.

estar

put the money in a savings account for the nephews
for when they are 18

and keep the personal effects

dudara

Unfortunately it's her family who are being selfish in not respecting her final wishes. Your friend wanted you to have those items. Her family should have more sense and decency than they are currently displaying.

It's never nice to see families disintegrate into these squabbling, materialistic people when wills appear. They forget that they have absolutely no say in the distribution of the estate. That was all decided by the recently deceased person in their will.

Victor

This is just an idea.

Ask them if there is anything specific from the list that someone wants. Limit it to X items. Remove certain items from the list.

Is there anything that you haven't been given, that you would like?

Madame Razz

Your friend made a will, she was of sound mind when she made the will, and as such it was her decision to whom she bequeathed what to when she wrote it.

The will contains her wishes and her family must respect that, regardless of whether they feel she should have done things differently or not.

I know its not easy in these situations and somebody will always be left disgruntled. But I really do think you should respect your friends wishes and take what she wanted you to have. I am sure she would have provided for her nephews if she felt it was necessary; she obviously didnt.

Condolences on your loss; it isnt easy lossing a close friend.

MagicMarker

Personally, i would take whatever it was that my friend wanted me to have.

As for the money, i see no real reason to give it to the nephews to be wasted on crap, and even less point in putting 250 euro in a bank until their 18.

I would donate that money to a charity related to the illness that caused your friends death, donate it on the nephew's behalf if you must.

zAbbo

I'd take everything Bek, sure you might not neccessarily need the money, but you can use it to buy flowers for the grave etc. over the years - put it to some use to remember your friend by.

BanzaiBk

Thanks for the replies, for a time last night I thought I was being ridiculous wanting the items. I don't think they are worth a lot of money as it's just a box of old journals, a lomo camera and a box of random things that meant something to us, obviously these things are worth a lot to me.

My mother called me this morning to say the whole place is up in arms about me taking all her most intimate items away from her parents. I haven't taken anything at all yet, and I'm not going to rush home and grab them out of their hands. I lost a brother a couple of years ago and I can understand their pain so I don't want to start pulling them memories away.

I might just leave things there at the moment. What I don't understand is that other people were left far more materialistic things than I (a digital slr, a laptop, etc) and there doesn't seem to be any fuss whatsoever. My parents are very upset at what's happening aswell so I think I need to leave it be.

BigglesMcGee

BanzaiBk wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, for a time last night I thought I was being ridiculous wanting the items. I don't think they are worth a lot of money as it's just a box of old journals, a lomo camera and a box of random things that meant something to us, obviously these things are worth a lot to me.

My mother called me this morning to say the whole place is up in arms about me taking all her most intimate items away from her parents. I haven't taken anything at all yet, and I'm not going to rush home and grab them out of their hands. I lost a brother a couple of years ago and I can understand their pain so I don't want to start pulling them memories away.

I might just leave things there at the moment. What I don't understand is that other people were left far more materialistic things than I (a digital slr, a laptop, etc) and there doesn't seem to be any fuss whatsoever. My parents are very upset at what's happening aswell so I think I need to leave it be.

I have a better suggestion. Tell them that if it means that much to them that they want disrespect your friends last wishes and go against her will then they can decide what to do with he stuff. But make sure hey know that you are only doing this because they are making a fuss and your friend wouldnt want the agro that has been caused.

I had a relative once who left stuff and there were major arguments about the will. I just said, "fight among yourselves an leave me out of it. Take it all." Then they all came to their senses out of guilt.

Einstein

I think it's easy for parents to jump on the defensive here as they feel that they've lost the most valuable thing ever to them, and in their eyes they feel that you're taking what memories they have left of their daughter, but in time they will probably come to see that they were also being unfair.

I feel you should stick to your guns. Your friend left you the items for a reason, and as awful as it probably sounds, the law is on your side too.
The money donation post above is a great idea, but why shouldn't you be allowed keep things that your friend asked for you to have?

CathyMoran

I am sorry for the lost of your friend and that you are having a rough time. In the end of the day though you should respect her wishes - I made my will last year and it was something that I thought long and hard over - I did leave some things to my best friends that also have a sentimental attachment for my hubby but he respects and understands my wishes. Grief is a terrible thing and it makes people say things that they do not mean, I am sure that her parents will get used to the will over time.

I also think that you should enjoy the money - she obviously wanted you to have fun with it, having said that, donating it to a charity in conection with her would be nice.

ntlbell

personally i would donate the money to a charity maybe that deals with whatever the illness was she died off and accept the personal belongings

the familiy are obviously upset and not thinking as straight as they would be under normal circumstances.

hairymolly

BanzaiBk wrote: »

Hi guys,

a few months ago my lifelong best friend died after a long term illness. I, along with her family and everyone else, was absolutely devastated. She literally is my first thought in the morning and my last at night. We had a very close relationship, and I would almost consider her family as my own.

Yesterday her will was released and it appears that she has left me a lot of her more personal possessions as well and some money. I am no longer living in Ireland so I was told via email by her mother. At first I thought it was strange but I guessed she was too upset to chat about it. Truly I am delighted that she wanted me to have some things that were so special to her, at the same time though I worried about how her parents would feel about leaving them go. I replied to the email somewhat cautiously, explaining my fears etc and the reply was probably what I should have expected.

Her parents are very upset that not only did she leave me money (2500EUR) that "her nephews could have used" but she left some of her personal effects to me as well. I really am confused about what to do. The money is a non issue to me. Thankfully I'm not in the want of it and her family could use it better for her nephews. The thing is, I really would love and treasure some of the personal items she wanted me to have. They hold some really important memories to me and I would prize them for as long as I had them. At the same time I don't want to upset her family any more than they already have been.

Am I being selfish in wanting those items? Should I just leave them be and let her family have them?

Thanks for any replies.

I am responding from the family side.
My brother died some years ago and as in your case left certain possessions to friends and family members.
To this day it breaks my heart that some family members denied his request that his friend should have some very sentimental yet private 'memories' for want of a better word. There was no monetary value attached to these items, but very significant memories shared with his friend. (In a box somewhere or dumped by now)
I feel for your sensetive handling of the situation with your friends family and your loss and for your parents and family having to deal with such negativity.
My brother was a beautiful mature wonderful person who lived his life far from the ties of family and small minds.
You Know your friend better than her family think.
Think about it. Why did she chose to leave those items to you?
Because they would have no significance to them whatsoever.(In a box somewhere or dumped by now)
As for the money, its not like she left you a million!!
She left it to you for a reason, places ye talked about going to visit.
She left it to you, for you.
Forget the guilt trips, take time to grieve and say goodbye.

Amazotheamazing

I've several close friends who if I knew I was dying (as your friend did), I'd gladly give them things to remember me by, things I know they'd appreciate for what it means to us, whereas my family would appreciate it as it reminds them of me. It's a different perspective. None of my family would get some of he jokes I share with my mates for example.

Respect your friends wishes, even as regards the money. If she wanted her nephews to have it she could have given it them herself, she didn't. She left these things to you, it's her wish that counts.

spurious

In agreeing to be Executors of her will, her parents (if they are the Executors and it's really only the Executors you need to deal with) agreed to carry out the wishes expressed in her will.
There is no question of them deciding what's best.
Take what your friend wanted you to have. Carrying out her last wishes is the least her parents can do.

LegacyUser

hi op.what a difficult situation for you to be in .... for something you did not even know was going to happen you now have her parents and your parents directing some frustration at you...when there is intense emotion flying around it is easy to offload some emotion on a scapegoat and you have become that person,there is probably more emotion then usual with the recent loss so it doesnt have anything to do with you...

i was wondering if there was an executor to the will because that person will have to see that the will is carried out,you could call the executor or solicitor and descretly inquire about it...


but you know your friend and what would she be thinking right now do you think if it was causing so much heart ache for you that she would want you to compromise your relationships with her family and your own parents? or would she be telling you to please take the things she wanted you to have....

if it was me i would want the gifts and it would remind me of her all the time which would be lovely for you because you live abroad... if you could maybe explain it to her mum that you are touched that your friend wanted you to have the gifts and you would really really like to have them as to have some momento of her,but maybe not the money?....

i think your friend left you those things because she knew you would miss her and you needed something to remember her by-i think try to find a diplomatic way of telling everyone that you are accepting the gifts because she wanted you to have them and it was her wish...

sorry for the added stress this is causing you,picture it working out well and it will be resolved in a positive light in the end,if you dont end up persuing the gifts you could do something for yourself at home like buy a tree in memory of her and plant it somewhere you can think of her always - a blossom tree maybe ...xx

Reku

I think another thing as yet unmentioned in the thread that must also be considered is perhaps there are things in those journals and the camera, etc... that perhaps you are aware of but you're friend would prefer their family remain in the dark about, they may have trusted you to be their keeper of certain secrets. While it may in some way pain the family to feel that they must share their grief and loss by honouring the will it may perhaps protect them from other pains of things and thoughts belonging to your friend they were not meant to know of.
I know this may sound daft to some folks here but there are even companies in Britain you can pay so that upon your death they will enter your home and clear out all evidence you want disposed of regarding whatever it is you want hidden from friends and family.

Your friend has entrusted you with the items, regardless of for what reason, so which is more selfish ignoring what your friend wanted or doing as per their wishes?

BanzaiBk

farohar wrote: »

I think another thing as yet unmentioned in the thread that must also be considered is perhaps there are things in those journals and the camera, etc... that perhaps you are aware of but you're friend would prefer their family remain in the dark about, they may have trusted you to be their keeper of certain secrets.
Your friend has entrusted you with the items, regardless of for what reason, so which is more selfish ignoring what your friend wanted or doing as per their wishes?

My thoughts exactly. Her parents are now point blank refusing to even entertain the idea of me one day owning these items. When I mentioned that I felt compelled by her last wishes to take the items they scoffed at me. I don't want to do anything now that I will later regret, I must understand their pain at this present time. I feel confused though at why they don't seem to recognise that I too am hurting.

I did offer the 2500EUR to pay for the headstone, looking back it seems horrifically morbid, but what else can I do for my friend when I can't follow her wishes?:(

Edit: the executer of the will is her Godmother, I have had no contact with her yet (no one will give me details, she hasn't approached me).

LegacyUser

BanzaiBk wrote: »

Edit: the executer of the will is her Godmother, I have had no contact with her yet (no one will give me details, she hasn't approached me).

For what it's worth. Get advice on how to contact the executor. Explain the situation and tell them that you expect them as executor of the will to respect the directions of your friend as dictated in her/his last will and testament

This is a non-negotiable for the executor.

You *must* respect your friends wishes and ensure that you get what she wanted you to have. Whatever you chose to do with it after that is ENTIRELY up to you.

Her family are grieving and angry. That doesn't excuse them riding slipshod all over your friends wishes.

Try not to let this damage the wonderful relationship you had. People do weird **** when people die.

LegacyUser

hi,i recently inherited a house from a family mamber and my relations with my family are not good.....i did everything through my solicitor and the peace of mind has been great as she just sorted everything for me...

i would suggest getting a solicitor and getting some advice off them as they could sort it for you... they can send a letter to the god mother/executor and say she has to carry out the wishes...

i think you would regret it more not taking the memories,only today i cleaned out the house because it is sold and i managed to get some small momentos as all my family members took everything already... it was a few photos and my grannys sewing basket,but i was so happy to have something that helped me feel her presence again....