Is it wrong?

LegacyUser

Reg going unreg...

Is it wrong I've more or less told myself to kill myself if I haven't had sex by the time I turn 30? Now, I haven't made a pact or a plan but I can't deny the thought has come up but this isn't about sex perhaps so much as the crap that goes on in my head and feeling like a f**king freak. I've felt suicidal at various points (not due to this issue) for the past few years but I've never acted on the thoughts or impulses and yes, I do attend a psychologist but I think revealing this would make me cringe. I've raised relationships as a topic and at times in quite some detail, but I think outlining what I've said above seems utterly ridiculous, plus mentioning sex or that cut off point I've mentioned makes me want to run and hide. I'm 25, male and haven't done the whole hands holding, kissing not to mention anything else.

I've posted on PI before and it's probably fair to say my view on relationships fair to say my view on relationships is more than a little distorted (throw in highly cynical too) not that I have any experience, mind. Part of me just seems to want to be quite rigid, make a decision, do something about it, do nothing and let the future take care of itself which seems like a tiny hut in Antartica. Of course, knowing what to do, and how to go about it is probably where much of this mess lies. I won't bore you with background factors or my label but I can't simple adopt the Nike philosophy and 'just do it'. I know I'm probably being a little cryptic so if fair play if you've gotten this far.

Karen_*

Well if there is a background to this or reasons why you can't 'just do it' and they are more than shyness or lack of confidence then it would probably be a good idea to come out with it so you can be advised better.

Everyone has off the wall thoughts at some stage in they're life and depression and anxiety cause them.

Yes it is wrong to decide to kill yourself because you haven't had sex. You're not a freak. You're just having some problems and they can be solved and overcome if you really want them to and are willing to put in the work on yourself.

mrsdewinter

Phew. That's a little extreme. Sex itself is only the pleasurable stimulation of the genitals with a willing partner. It's not really worth killing yourself over.
You're an intelligent - I'm guessing - guy. What about all those folk whose brains you've stimulated on boards? The brain is the body's largest sex organ, you know - it's not much of a leap from making somebody laugh to getting them into bed.
If this is a simple age thing - if you're worried that you're some sort of a freak because you're 25 and you've never had sex - don't worry. A friend of mine was 30 when he lost his cherry - and he's married with a family now...

wylo

My brother was never with a women in his life till he reached 34, Id always felt sorry for him in a way but couldnt show it, he was my older brother and all that, but now look whos laughing , hes married with 2 kids, nice house , good life, and im the single one.

My point is OP, its never too late to 'come out of the shell' if you know what I mean. You say you dont know how to go about it, its easy, firstly get out of your comfort zone cause youve been in it way too long now. Your still very young, youve another 60 years in your life and your already resigning to the fact that things wont change. How do you get out of comfort you ask? Maybe go travelling, staying in hostels so your forced to meet people in the same situation. If that doesnt suit... Find a club, even if its just a fitness or running club or something. The reason I say them ones is because fitness definitely improves your self belief and confidence. Id say theres physical and biological reasons behind it which i dont know.

Maybe you could start a night course in something, The whole idea of all this is to get out of that rut, its not a nice feeling at the start but thats the whole idea of it. The rewards come later

preilly79

may i ask why you would sometimes consider yourself to have a cynical approach to relationships? is it because you feel left out by any chance?

impr0v

Of course it's wrong, you already know that.

It's somewhat cliched to say it but cynicism is a defence mechanism, and the small cabin in Antartica is little different; a desire to run away to where the world can't hurt you, a marginally more exposed position than under six feet of uncaring clay.

Your psychologist is better placed to help you than anyone here but it's about time you started facing up to things and asking yourself the hard questions. Life is there to be participated in, all you need is the courage and some small element of belief in yourself and your qualities. There are some there if you look for them, and the more positive steps you take the more you can be proud of yourself.

AngryBadger

On the one hand clearly you have some things you need to work out, and I sympathize with that. However, you say you're attending a psychologist and yet you're unwilling to discuss this particular issue with them?

Your post hits a lot of bases, but doesn't really settle on any.

Aside from your unfulfilled desire to have sex, you don't mention any particular problem, and your post kind of come off like a very broad rant at life in general.

From time to time all of us go through periods of uncertainty (which can last anything from minutes to years!) and there's a fear that comes with that uncertainty that can be especially difficult to master. It's not uncommon for people to start making rash decisions as a kind of knee-jerk reaction to that fear, because in so doing they (briefly) benefit from the illusion of a kind of control. Ok, that control happens to be that person A is going to kill themselves by 30 or whatever, but the bottom line is they've made a decision which only they can control.

I'm not in a position to give you professional advice on this, no-one on here is. You need to talk to your psychologist about everything.

What I'm alluding to here is the idea that right now, you're making rash decisions because you feel like you're in limbo and have no control over what's happening.

You're unhappy, and you're not entirely sure why, (and really, when we're in these situations is takes time to fully understand the roots of what's bothering us). You look around you and assume that the things you feel pressured into are what will make you happy. In your particular case you've focused on sex. But think about it, I'll grant you that I can understand frustration in yoru case, but what thing is magically going to change just because you have sex? It's not soem kind of rite of passage, and it's certainly not something that should be driving you to make life-altering decisions.

First of all you need to talk this throgh with your psychologist. Second of all, you need to find a way to stop responding tp whatever negative pressures are in your life right now. Then you can start looking at yourself and trying to figure out what you really want, and where this fear is really coming form.

hope that wasn't too meandering

Dizzyblonde

Are you saying you want to have sex for the sake of it or that you want to have someone you care enough for to have sex with? Not everybody is going around having sex with random people, a lot of people only want to have sex within a relationship. Is this what you mean - that you don't have a girlfriend? If so, what makes you think you never will? It just takes longer for some people to meet that special someone they want to share things with and it sounds as if this is the case for you.
Saying you'll kill yourself if you don't have sex by the time you're 30 is a bit extreme. Maybe you should spend less time worrying about this one thing and get out and enjoy yourself - take up a hobby where you'll meet someone with similar interests.