In trouble and anxious

LegacyUser

Hi, i dunno why i'm posting this here, possibly just cos i need to get it off my chest as no-one else knows yet and bottling it is starting to kill me. I'll start by saying how i got to this point. Two years ago i started in college for the first time. I was looking forward to it and enjoying it for the first few months. Then i made some new friends down there and started going drinking with them a couple of nights a week. Classes started to get missed some of the days in the morning as i couldn't get up. It got worse as i started to get scared of going back in to be confronted by lecturers and trying to catch up. Eventually i became absolutely terrified and thinking of it would nearly give me a panic attack and severe anxiety. Needless to say i failed that year.

This year i went down to repeat, same thing happened but through different circumstances. I was living in a flat with one of my best friends. His sister was very sick and we would often stay up talking to each other and he wasn't going in so i also stayed at home to keep him company while still doing projects and stuff for college. However when i was going in i , if ywas being asked by lecturers where i was and eventually one said she wouldn't teach me until i talked to the year head. I dunno why but straight away i panicked and had to get away. I went back to my flat and i didn't go back in again after that. I think i was scared of my mother finding out and the rest of my family as they were all so proud i was going to college and the fact i am the first member of even my extended family to go to college in around 30 years. I just can't handle it all and some nights down there i would often lie in bed thinking of ways to kill myself to stop all the panic i was feeling. I felt death would have been easier. I even thought of what i would leave on the note when i was gone.

So my exam results came this week and i hid them, hoping to pass the repeats and hand in all my projects and no-one would notice. However i was out last night for my 21st and my mother found the results. I'm panicing severely now as today is meant to be the main party of my 21st and i was only going to hide the results until after my 21st so i could be happy for my birthday. I knew she'd find out eventually. Its not that i don't like college, i'd love to be able to go in and pass and go on and get a good job but i don't know, i just freak out down there. I've let down my family again after they trusted me, i lied to them about how things were going when all i wanted to do was shout 'i can't take it anymore, the pressure is killing me and eating me up inside'. The thing thats funny about this is that halfway through my first year i told my mother i don't want to live down there as i knew i'd mess up, i knew i couldn't help myself and i was afraid to go back to college. I asked could i commute each morning like one of my friends had to do so he could pass. I was told no, its easier for me to live down there. Well in hindsight it obviously wasn't. I know now that i'm ruined, my family now know i've lied to them again about this. I won't get another chance so i'm unsure of which direction my life will go in. I know as your reading this you'll say i created all this myself and you'd be right. But i wasn't able to stop it, my head wasn't and still isn't thinking straight.

And thats pretty much it. I just needed to get it off my chest and tell it somewhere at least.

badolepuddytat

Hiya, my brother fell into a very, very similar situation to you op, failed the year and repeats, repeated the year and failed but passed repeats, went onto fail following year then, he just couldn't keep the head down with all of the distractions. He worked for a while, got more and more bummed about his situation, got himself a bank loan to pay his fees for this year and has worked part-time for the first time since he started college to keep himself ticking over. Tbh I think it's been the making of him, he's taken responsibility for himself and works really hard now, is in third year and should have done really well in the summer exams if his christmas results are anything to go by.

I'm sharing this to show you that these things can turn around, most important thing now is to face up to your family and apologise to them for keeping this from them. You're disappointed in yourself, tell them this and start working your ass off to get through the repeats. Sounds like your time management skills leave something to be desired, talk to your year head and see if your college have any advisors on this type of thing. When you're back in college try to organise study groups with your friends, make it habit that you're always tipping away at college work and not letting it mount up into a huge scary mass of deadlines. Best of luck.

I'm in the exact same situation OP. Have done 4 years of college and passed 1. I'm more than capable but tbh it's too easy to just go out every night and fall behind, then fall so behind that you just give up half way through the year.

What I'm doing atm is working. I'm gonna work for a few years I think and then re-evaluate my options. I might go back but I might not, but at the moment I am far too immature (I'm 23) to handle the freedom that college life gives you. Do whats best for you, not just what your family wants to do.

Dizzyblonde

You need to tell your mother how anxious and depressed you've become about all this. I know it seems like the end of the world to you at the moment, but believe me it isn't.
I have kids your age and I'm far more interested in their wellbeing and health than in how they're doing academically! Please don't keep this to yourself any longer.
As another poster said, get a job and start to live a little without all this stress. You can go to college in the future if you want to. There are all sorts of options such as part-time courses now. Equally, you don't have to go to college if you don't want to - it's not for everyone.