Wedding Troubles

LegacyUser

Heya need a little help with a tricky problem.
My very best friend in the world was due to get married 2 years ago and then, 1 month before the wedding her fiance called it off said he was having second thoughts about getting married and moved to Canada. So obviously she was completely heartbroken and we were all really worried about her but in the past 6 months or so she's started to behave more like herself.
Now the back story is, we both started going out with out boyfriends at the same time, got engaged around the same time but me and my fiance put off planning our wedding til after theirs ( we would be each others bridesmaids and also we didn't want to take the spotlight off each others big day comparisons etc). Then out of respect for her we didn't really start planning our wedding til about 3 months ago but the date is booked and we really want to get married we're engaged 4 years now have the house and everything, want to have kids etc.
When I told her my plans she burst out crying and said she wants nothing to do with it.....and she wont even attend never mind be a bridemaid!!! Now there's a big shadow over the day.....I was so supportive to her over her wedding and the breakup....I even cancelled a holiday I was due to go on to be with her and i think that we've waited for 2 years and thats enough time for anyone.
Myself and my fiance are fighting over this....he says to let her be and she'll come around eventually and if she doesn't well thats her own problem but i'm so upset I'm not sleeping or eating and she doesn't seem to care she even text me last night to say that she hopes i'm jilted like she was and than i'd see what a bitch i'm being to her but I think I was a really good friend to her.
Sorry about the long rant.....what do you think?

dudara

You can't put your life on hold just because of her. You can be her friend, and hold her hand and all that, but your own life and your plans with your fiancé need to move on. Tell her this; she will come around.

Amazotheamazing

It's your life, you have more people to worry about than just her feelings. Tbh, if I was your fiance I'd be getting pretty keen to get the day over with, 4 years is long enough.

davyjose

I'm sure it must be terrible for you. But you have your fiance to consider too. Why should he have to suffer just because your friend is being irrational.
You also have to ask yourself if she really is the same friend you thought she was. Clearly she doesn't mind attacking you and treating you like sh!t. Not really what a "best friend" would do now, is it?

Toots

OP, this is your big day, and if she doesn't want to be a part of it, that's her problem. She'll probably regret it in the long run. Sending you that text was totally out of order. It's been two years, not two weeks, and IMO you've been super considerate of her and her feelings. Was she just expecting that you'd abandon your wedding because of what happened to her? Ok, hearing about your wedding plans has probably re-opened the old wound, but it's totally unreasonable for her to expect you not to continue with your wedding.

Your fiancé is right, you need to continue planning your wedding and moving on with your lives together. Find someone else to be your bridesmaid. If she comes around and decides to attend, that's great, but if she doesn't, don't let it bother you, now is the time for you to put your happiness first.

Chinafoot

bride_to_be wrote: »

When I told her my plans she burst out crying and said she wants nothing to do with it.....and she wont even attend never mind be a bridemaid!!! Now there's a big shadow over the day.....I was so supportive to her over her wedding and the breakup....

When I got to that point of your post I thought "Poor thing, it was probably just all the memories of what happened flooding back. Just her initial reaction but she'll come around."

bride_to_be wrote: »

I even cancelled a holiday I was due to go on to be with her and i think that we've waited for 2 years and thats enough time for anyone.

It sounds like you've been a really good friend to her but like dudara said you can't put your life on hold for her. It's terrible what happened to her but she's not the only person in the world that's been jilted and she needs to move on with her life.

bride_to_be wrote: »

Myself and my fiance are fighting over this....he says to let her be and she'll come around eventually and if she doesn't well thats her own problem but i'm so upset I'm not sleeping or eating

Your fiance is right in that you should leave her be. Do not go chasing after this girl apologising for planning your future. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. She is unbelievably selfish and should cop herself on. Did she expect you not to get married because she got dumped?!

bride_to_be wrote: »

and she doesn't seem to care she even text me last night to say that she hopes i'm jilted like she was and than i'd see what a bitch i'm being to her but I think I was a really good friend to her.

That was completely out of line and I'd be epxecting a very big apology from her. It's been two years, and while I don't want to belittle how hurt she must have been, she really does need to sort herself out. You have been a really good friend to her and if she can't pull herself out of her own misery and self-pity then there's not much you can do. Leave her be, if she's even half the friend you've been she'll soon realise how completely selfish she's being and she'll apologise and start supporting you. If she doesn't....well, I'd be thinking that maybe her fiance got it right.

Don't let this put a dampner on things. Enjoy planning your big day and let yourself be excited about it all!

Best of luck.

Ainekav

jesus that was very harsh texting that alright.. no need..
OP, i think shes being extremely unreasonable and she'll figure that out in time. you need to let her know your there for her but also explain that youve done the best you can and ask her what kind of a friend is she if she wants to see her best friend as unhappy as her. there is no reason on earth why she should be let spoil your day- you never were anything but supportive to her. you should really take a proper look at her and how much of a real friend she really is. good luck

dazberry

bride_to_be wrote: »

Myself and my fiance are fighting over this....he says to let her be and she'll come around eventually and if she doesn't well thats her own problem but i'm so upset I'm not sleeping or eating and she doesn't seem to care she even text me last night to say that she hopes i'm jilted like she was and than i'd see what a bitch i'm being to her but I think I was a really good friend to her.

That's shocking - it really is. Well I think if you address it with her - the pair of you will end up falling out and you'll be more upset, so ultimately I think like your fiance that you'll have to let her be and she'll either come around or not.

At best all you can really do is leave the door open for her, but if she doesn't feel up to or doesn't want to participate then leave her be. I know its upsetting for you but really this is her bridge to cross - and if she can't see well enough to cross it - you can't make her.

D.

Gross Halfwit

She is being a selfish bitc. She's miserable & wants everyone else to be miserable too.

Get married forget about her. If the friendship is strong enough she'll come around if not then she wasnt that much ofa friend in anyway. It was terrible what happened to her but for her to wish it upon you is just way out of line. She's lonely & depressed. Misery loves company.

As bad as you feel for her you cant put your life on hold just cos she wants it that way. Marry your man & be happy!

ShawnRaven

F*ck her, seriously! I'm due to get married next year myself and if anyone even attempted to get in the way of those plans, they'll be kicked to the curb immediately. Best friend or not, anyone who is willing to act like she has done on one of the most important, if not the most important, and happiest day of your life, isn't really worthy of the title of "best friend".

Misery loves company unfortunately, and she's trying to reel you in. Do the smart thing and don't bite.

VR!

wirelessdude

your so called friend is a prat. she really needs to grow up and realise that the world doesnt revolve around her and that throwing the toys out of the pram is not a very adult way to behave. you go ahead and have you wedding and if she still continues to behave in suach an irrational way then cut her from yoor life. you have no need for such self centred people

aoife161

Wow op. I'm sorry to hear that your friend is being so unreasonable.
As others have said, its been 2 years and you've already been so considerate.

Now I can understand that what she's been through must be rough, to have a wedding called off so close to the date must be terrible. She was planning on spending the rest of her life with this guy and so close to the day he leaves.

But you can't put your life on hold. You've done all you can and to me she sounds like she WANTS to be miserable. I think you should write her a letter. Tell her exactly how you feel. Point out all the things you've done to ease her pain and that you'd like that support reciprocated for your big day.

Getting married can be stressful and it should be a time when your closest friends rally around and offer their support.

Frankly that text she sents makes me question her character. Is she really a 'best friend' to you? Or are you just in a rut with this girl. Actions speak louder than words and she sounds like she hasn't really done alot for you. Whereas you seem to be a good friend to her.

She if she responds to your letter. Leave an open invite for her to your wedding. Its up to her then. You on the otherhand, enjoy planning your wedding. Enjoy the day and if she doesn't turn up then you probably need to re-evaluate your friendship with her.

Gareth37

bride_to_be wrote: »

Heya need a little help with a tricky problem.
My very best friend in the world was due to get married 2 years ago and then, 1 month before the wedding her fiance called it off said he was having second thoughts about getting married and moved to Canada. So obviously she was completely heartbroken and we were all really worried about her but in the past 6 months or so she's started to behave more like herself.
Now the back story is, we both started going out with out boyfriends at the same time, got engaged around the same time but me and my fiance put off planning our wedding til after theirs ( we would be each others bridesmaids and also we didn't want to take the spotlight off each others big day comparisons etc). Then out of respect for her we didn't really start planning our wedding til about 3 months ago but the date is booked and we really want to get married we're engaged 4 years now have the house and everything, want to have kids etc.
When I told her my plans she burst out crying and said she wants nothing to do with it.....and she wont even attend never mind be a bridemaid!!! Now there's a big shadow over the day.....I was so supportive to her over her wedding and the breakup....I even cancelled a holiday I was due to go on to be with her and i think that we've waited for 2 years and thats enough time for anyone.
Myself and my fiance are fighting over this....he says to let her be and she'll come around eventually and if she doesn't well thats her own problem but i'm so upset I'm not sleeping or eating and she doesn't seem to care she even text me last night to say that she hopes i'm jilted like she was and than i'd see what a bitch i'm being to her but I think I was a really good friend to her.
Sorry about the long rant.....what do you think?

Hi,

In my opinion the wedding must go ahead with or without her.

Maybe to try to convince her to come etc write her a letter explaining the situation and what a good friend she is to you. Other than that I think she being both jealous and selfish.

StandnDeliver

all good advice said already.Do what the fiance said afterall it is him your marrying maybe pick someone else as bridesmaid.Leave her be for a while and send her an invite for the day down the line.Dont put your life on hold anymore, you have been more than considerate.

Gumbyman

Sorry to be blunt but your 'friend' is a complete muppet. You do NOT want this person to be your bridesmaid or have any input in organising the wedding. Trust me. If this idiot thinks you are being insensitive by getting married and that the whole World revolves around her then best rid. Her (ex) fiancee had a narrow escape. Fair play to him. Canada. Couldn't get much further away. And one would presume he knew her better than anybody else.

uberwolf

she's no friend of yours.

2 years is a massive wait for you to have put your lives on hold. She may be laying the guilt on, but you have nothing to apologise for. Her text was obscene behaviour. Doesn't even merit your responding to her tbh. Move on with your plans and don't include her. It's up to her o hold out the olive branch, but I would not involve her in the wedding plans as a bridesmaid or other, even if you do patch it up.

The Mighty Ken

bride_to_be wrote: »

she even text me last night to say that she hopes i'm jilted like she was and than i'd see what a bitch i'm being to her

Wow. Just wow. Her fiance, I assume, realised he was about to marry a vicious, bad natured, emotionally immature cow and decided to do a runner. I don't blame him. That bitch isn't your best friend by the way. I'm amazed anyone's even entertaining giving this woman a second chance after that kind of behaviour. It seems she's gotten what she deserved to be perfectly honest. Don't invite her to the wedding. She's a potential liability and could ruin your special day.

Vicious.

LegacyUser

Wow. If it wasn\'t so sad it would almost be funny. She is being incredibly unreasonable. If I were you, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that the impact of the news put her back in a state of shock and sadness over her experience. Leave her alone and hope she will get over it. If she does get over it and comes back with an apology, then be understanding and forgive her, she probably wasn\'t in a right state of mind. If she does not, then forget about it and move on, and try not to let it interfere with your happiness and your plans. And try not to let it bring you down as well just because she is stuck and can\'t move on.

badolepuddytat

^^^What he said! I wouldn't want someone like that in my life tbh and unless she really pulls out all of the stops to redeem herself I'd say you're well shot of her. If you do come through this as friends I definitely wouldn't have her as a bridesmaid as she doesn't seem to have the emotional maturity to cope with it or be a support to you. You've gone beyond the call of duty as a friend to help her through and yet she can't bring herself to be happy for you and your fiance.

Canis Lupus

You engaged to your 'friend' or your boyfriend?

Just what age are you?

Toots

The Mighty Ken wrote: »

Don't invite her to the wedding. She's a potential liability and could ruin your special day.

I think this would be a wise move alright. If she's already told you that she won't be attending, then what's the point inviting her? Judging from the way she reacted when you simply spoke to her about the wedding, I reckon she'd be the sort that would make a big scene at some point during the day (I'd imagine it would most likely be during the dinner or the speeches when she'd have few drinks on board). I'd say it'll be a whole lot less stress for you and your fiancé knowing you don't have to be keeping an eye on her the whole day.

seahorse

Sorry to be blunt, but if this were my 'friend' I'd just tell her to fcuk-off and go ahead and enjoy my wedding. And just for good measure, because she'd been such an ungrateful cow, I'd probably rub it in with a beautiful postcard from my exotic honeymoon location.

I think you are pushing your luck with your fiancée at this stage. If my partner prioritised his friend above our wedding I don’t think we'd make it up the aisle at all. Put first things first here and get on and enjoy your long overdue wedding – and tell this person to grow up or fcuk-off.

auditek923

its your life. enough time has passed since her trouble. go ahead and have your wedding. if she wont attend then thats her problem and not yours.

lushballs

Sounds like your friend is experiencing 'complicated grief' which could leave her in a 'stuck' place. Has she attended for therapy? To be fair to the woman, being 'left at the alter' would be a devastating, traumatic & deeply painful experience.
I am just wondering about your role as friend to this woman Bride to Be. Have you unwittingly taken on a sort of 'rescuing' role with your friend? And if so why? Has there been issues around suicidal ideation with your friend which may have left you in a vulnerable place? I also wonder if your boundaries with this woman are too close? I would suggest 'returning responsibility' here ie let her take responsibility for her behaviour and don't initiate contact with her. And don't respond if it is dysfunctional/abusive contact.

CathyMoran

I was jilted 3 weeks before my wedding but while we got married since I did have a friend who was in the process of getting married, while she was very supportive I would not have dreamed of spoiling her big day. Your "friend" has a lot of growing up to do and I agree with others here that she should not be at your wedding as she may cause a scene. You are putting her before your fiance which is not right. Enjoy your big day but forget about her, she is a selfish immature cow.

marti101

Get married lok at it this way you want to get married and have kids,what are you not going to have kids just cause she didnt.Time to put you and your fiance first.She has to realise that she is not no1 in your life and the way shes acting its like she wants to be.Cut all contact because she sounds to me that she cant bear to see you happy.Obviously as somebody else said her bf knew her better than anyone is there any chance you could ask him why he jilted her otherwise enjoy your day with or without your supposedly best friend

Talliesin

Would you say they have 5 or more of the following traits?

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Toots

bride_to_be wrote: »

Myself and my fiance are fighting over this

she doesn't seem to care she even text me last night to say that she hopes i'm jilted like she was and than i'd see what a bitch i'm being to her but I think I was a really good friend to her.

This is probably exactly what she wants!! You were an amazing friend to her and supported her, even at the expense of your own plans. I reckon she knows the type of person you are, and knows you will be upset about this. She'd probably be happy to hear that you and your fiance are arguing over this. She sounds like a bitter miserable b!tch, who just wants you to be miserable too. Just out of interest, what reason did her ex give her for wanting to call off the wedding? Did she by any chance turn into a total bridezilla or something? Also, did she get any kind of grief counselling or therapy after the break-up?

the_syco

bride_to_be wrote: »

she doesn't seem to care she even text me last night to say that she hopes i'm jilted like she was and than i'd see what a bitch i'm being to her

OP, it's your friend that is being the b|tch, not you. She is so f**king jealous, that the only way forward she see's is for you to be dumped. And that's nasty. I'd advise you to give her lots of space, and if she asks why, ask her is she really so jealous of you that she'd want you to be dumped, just so that she could be happy?

Tell the jealous b|tch to f**k off, tbh!

bronte

Hey op, I do think you've been more than reasonable about your friend's situation. Not all people would have waited as long as you guys did.
If she can't get over herself, then avoid inviting her to your wedding so it doesn't ruin your day.

Her comment about you getting jilted was way out of line in my opinion, esp when you were so supportive of her.
I hope you have a beautiful wedding, you deserve it and you've waited long enough.

Jack B. Badd

Talliesin wrote: »

Would you say they have 5 or more of the following traits?

Afaik those are the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'd be very surprised if the OP's friend was suffering from such a destructive disorder without the OP and those around her having encountered problems before this.