ex hassling me via text

sam34

can anyone advise me on this?

i broke up with a guy last august. we did the whole "staying friends" thing for a while, but to be honest he never respected it, he would still call/text as much as when we were together, and kept saying he still loved me etc. when i asked him to stop the "i love you" stuff and to reduce contact frequency, he always agreed to it but never followed through.

so, by november i got totally fed up of this, and i told him we had to cut all contact. now, since then he has continued to contavt me, at irregular intervals. in december it was quite bad, a couple of texts a day. he sent me a christmas present, which i returned with a note saying "i have repeatedly asked you not to contact me, please dont do so again", but he continued to text. over the next few months he still texted, sometimes a few times a day, at other times he could go one or two weeks without texting. at times he has phoned also, and when i just reject the call he phones back, uo to 5 times on one occasion.

the content of the texts has changed - at the start it was all about how he loved me and why couldnt we talk etc, now he uses stupid excuses to contact me - such as telling me there was a match on in my local gaa pitch etc.

i have only replied on a few occasions, and always saying the same thing "stop harassing me". since april i have made the decision not to reply, no matter what the content of the message. i thought that if he wasnt getting any response from me whatsoever, that he might give up altogether. but he hasnt. the latest text was yesterday.

do people think i should text him again, asking him to stop, or continue ignoring him?

please dont tell me to change my number, as that would be huge hassle for me.

Cmol

Have you tried contacting his mobile provider? Same thing happened to me at home and his number ended up being cancelled.... or is there some way you can get your provider to block his number from contacting you???

Sephiroth_dude

At this stage I think You should be thinking bout going to the guards :-),or change your number,actually maybe try changing ur number first :-).

StandnDeliver

Change your number!Thats one way of getting rid of him.

Cmol

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

At this stage I think You should be thinking bout going to the guards :-),

I dont think the guards will do anything unless its threatening

20 Times 20 Times

What age are you two ? Also how long have you been together. I have to say that you shouldn't ignore it but address it , I would suggest that you let him know that you don't like this constant texting and contact and that you really want to get on with your life without him , a good dose of reality is probably what he needs to be honest.

HouseHippo

Either change your number, but i know how much hassle that can be(when i was being harrassed by text i had to change sim card every 3 weeks till they lost trsck of all new nums)
Or as far as i know you can contact either your network or the garda and he can be blocked from ringing your phone

sam34

as i said in my original post, i really dont want to change my number, as it would be very awkward cos of my work situation.

vodafone have said they cant block him from contacting me.

doubt the guards would/could do anything, as hes not threatening me

re age- i'm 28 and he's older (quite a bit older)

dundalk stephen- i agree in part with what you suggest, but im afraid that he will get encouraged by any contact from me, even if its negative. hes not the most rational or level headed person

Deliverance

Isn't there an option on your phone to block certain numbers? Sounds like he can't let it go and is a bit obsessive and can't accept rejection. Personally I think that any kind of reply back to him however negative will only encourage him.

Definately ignore him if you can, if you find his texts continue look into blocking his number. He might need time to just 'get over it' and move on.

sam34

also. we were together 11 months, and broke up last august

20 Times 20 Times

sam34 wrote: »

also. we were together 11 months, and broke up last august

Honestly just explain the situation to him , that should give him a good wake up call. When you explain it too him , expect a text back etc saying sorry , I think at this point explain your next course of action to him.

drunkmonkey

Do you have a Big Brother or your Dad.....seem like somebody needs to take this guy to one side and have a polite word in his ear.....

Sounds like he's on the verge of cracking be carefull....

Nevyn

sam34 wrote: »

please dont tell me to change my number, as that would be huge hassle for me.

really more hassle then what you are enduring ?

carbsy

Tell him you've got engaged/are getting married.

sam34

stephen - ive told him often enough, by phone, text and in writing that i want no further contact from him and that i consider all contact to be harassment. he knows it full well. he usually throws in "no harassment intended" or "i know you'll be mad but" in the texts.


drunkmonkey- good idea but practically speaking not an option in my situation

thaed- i know what you're saying. sometimes i think i'll go ahead and change my no and then (usualy if ive had a break from him for a week or so) i think that its not worth the hassle

i wish hed just F*** OFF!!!

Toots

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

At this stage I think You should be thinking bout going to the guards :-),or change your number,actually maybe try changing ur number first :-).

I'd second this. I had a similar situation a few years where a friend of a friend got my number off someone after a night out and wouldn't stop calling me and texting me. I went down to my local garda station and although they weren't able to do a whole lot from a law point of view, but I was so upset the sergent at the station called the guy from my phone and left him a voicemail telling him that it was the guards and he was to leave me alone and stop messing. I didn't hear a thing from him since! I'd say he got a fright and copped himself on, it might do your ex the world of good too.

edit: forgot to add, it'd be a bad idea to contact him. When I went to the guards about the guy, they said I'd done the right thing by not contacting him. They also said if he rang me, then not to answer, to just ignore it to the best of my ability and to take note of how many times he called and texted. Luckily, as I said, the guy backed off once the sergent phoned him, but in your case I think any kind of contact would definitely be encouraging him.

stepbar

Just keep ignoring the texts. He'll eventually get sick of texting and getting not reply. Might take time but persevere. No need to change your number. If you're strong, sh1te like this will not effect you.

Teddi

Im being serious here..

If you know some burly shaped guys....who wont take **** from no-one..get them to go over to his house and just give him a warning...no violence...just a warning...two would do I'd imagine....my cousin had that done and he never contacted her again..no violence...just a stern talking too..

Otherwise bite the bullet and change your number..maybe hassle for you but less hassle im sure than what your currently going through..


Teddi

Wibbs

I would say go with Toots85's advice more than Teddi's as while Teddi's plan sounds vaguely plausible, it's far more likely to go wrong. I've seen that kinda thing go wrong before. You get burly mates and then he gets burly mates and...... etc etc. He could even bring charges of intimidation.

If this gets too much, do not respond and go to the guards, to at least log the complaint. They're pretty cool about this sort of thing.

Gyalist

Don't even think of responding to his texts. Just keep ignoring him and he will eventually get the message. You should just delete any messages from him without reading them.

If you make the mistake of responding to even one text, the message that he will get is that he still has a chance with you and the cycle will start all over again.

dudara

Make a complaint to the Gardai, they may not be able to do anything, but at least it will all be on record.

Have you kept a record of all him communications? Bring that to the attention of a customer service manager at your mobile phone company.

And lastly, ignore him. It's the strongest stance that you can take.

MagicMarker

Seriously, just change your number!! Does it really matter if it's a little inconvenient?

TBH, you have a very simple way of ending this TODAY! Yet you choose to ignore it and have done so for over 6 months which leads me to feel very little sympathy for you.

Sephiroth_dude

sam34 wrote: »

i really dont want to change my number,

well if you wanna get rid of the arse bandit thats what your gonna have to do.

sam34

MagicMarker wrote: »

Seriously, just change your number!! Does it really matter if it's a little inconvenient?

TBH, you have a very simple way of ending this TODAY! Yet you choose to ignore it and have done so for over 6 months which leads me to feel very little sympathy for you.

its not just the hassle thats stopping me from changing my no. also, i feel it would be giving into him in some way, or letting him win. but more importantly, if he cant contact me by phone, im afraid he wouldnt give up that easily and would then start using my parents address. he doesnt have their phone no, and its exdirectory so he could never get it, but he knows their address. i dont want him to start writing to me there ar worse, land on the doorstep. my folks dont deserve that crap.

Wibbs

If you think he's likely to be that pushy and stalkerish, go the police now. Don't put it on the long finger. Just contact them and explain what's what and get it logged. It's really as simple as that.

LegacyUser

If there's event eh slightest chance he could get your new number from anyone I don't think you should change. Unecessary hassle.

If you're still not sold on going to the Guards, get a small notebook and throw it in your handbag. Note the date/time/content of any calls or texts for the next month or so.

After that, if you decide to go to the guards you can show them the volume of contact over a period of time and see what they're willing to do

Even a phonecall from them might help

sam34

thanks for all the replies. reading them and re-reading them has made me realise that i do need to bite the bullet and change my number, and also go to cops.
thanks again

colly10

Some phones have an ignore list which blocks out calls or texts from a certain number, set that up on your phone or buy a phone that has this and you wont hear from him again

sam34

colly10 wrote: »

Some phones have an ignore list which blocks out calls or texts from a certain number, set that up on your phone or buy a phone that has this and you wont hear from him again

never knew that, cheers

sam34

calmlydoesit wrote: »

If you're still not sold on going to the Guards, get a small notebook and throw it in your handbag. Note the date/time/content of any calls or texts for the next month or so.

After that, if you decide to go to the guards you can show them the volume of contact over a period of time and see what they're willing to do

Even a phonecall from them might help

already have a written log of all contacts from last december onwards.
i havent stored any of his texts in my phone as i dont want them there and dont want to be reminded of them every time i open my inbox, but maybe i should actually keep them, better evidence to show guards.

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm in the same situation, just a shorter time.
I broke it off with the gf, after a long period of us fighting because she didn't like my friends.
I'm male and my ex girlfriend (23 years old) will text, email and phone me with abuse every day.
She will ring up just to tell me that I smell, that I'm ugly, tells me that I have no friends etc.
I laugh it off mostly.
Unfortunately I can't change my number as I need it for work, and she would be easily able to find my new number/email/etc.
I get a severe amount of nasty texts. I also reply the very odd time (only in email, not text) with a standard message saying that her nuisance calls are illegal and her abusive texts are harrasment, and I'd like her to stop contacting me, or I'd be going to the Gardai, which I didn't want to do, as she's actually a nice girl and doesn't need a criminal record.
I've gone so far as to ring one of her parents and ask. I was given a very polite answer where he assured me that their daughter wouldn't demean herself ever to ring such a scumbag as myself again, and to never contact her again, and to never contact them again.
I agreed to this, fair enough. A bit rich coming from them, considering I had only sent 2 or 3 emails asking her not to contact me. This in light of up to 50 calls a day, and 2-20 texts per day giving me abuse, as well as an occasional email with more abuse.

Of course she didn't stop ringing or texting or calling. I was tempted for a while to ring her parents again, but sure that makes me just like her, calling someone who didn't want to speak to me. I considered going to the Gardai, and just as I was about to go, I realised something.

(bear with me, this is getting to the point of my story to help you, hopefully)

I realised that she was ringing me to be nasty (although she is normally lovely).
She was just hurt. She still wants me, and is so hurt that the relationship didn't work out that she was striking out in the only way she could, by trying to hurt me as much as she could. She was/is lashing out totally at me in an effort to upset me as much as she can.

You need to understand(and I do now) that people get over relationships at different rates. Your ex needs to get himself out and get a life. In the meantime, just ignore it or go to the Gardaí to get the number blocked if you feel its going too far.

take care!

meglome

There are number blockers you can run on some phones. I'm sure if you ask over in the Mobiles & PDA's forum someone would be able to tell you about them better than I can. http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=411

They work on the handset only but might save you changing your number as they will automatically block anything from him.

millyj

you need to change your number. Seriously. I just had to do the same with an ex who i broke up with before christmas. he has a serious drinking problem and when we were together he was violent. I wasnt afraid of him but 2 weeks ago i woke up saturday mornign to see 52 missed calls on my ohone, all from him and then a torrent of abusive voicemails and texts. I ignored it but that just made him call to my apartment the following saturday.

there he was banging away on my door at 6.30am. I opned the door to him ( big mistake) and he barged his way in and got abisive and made some excuse about wanting half hsi bed back before totally trashign my room and hurlign abuse at me. Because he was drunk i managed to get him out of my place.

Now please dont let it get to this stage. I have changed my number and called the gurads and hopefully this is the end of it buit somehow I think not. he doesnt think straight when he is drunk. If he calls again, this time i will be so scared.

dade

on the phone thing I know before some of the software that comes with the phone allows you to save the text messages. that may still be the case so once a week you could upload all the crap he sends you to a PC in case you need to provide it to the police or a lawyer

Dragan

Cmol wrote: »

Have you tried contacting his mobile provider? Same thing happened to me at home and his number ended up being cancelled.... or is there some way you can get your provider to block his number from contacting you???

Contacting HIS mobile provider will do nothing....they won't or at least SHOULDN'T tell you a thing about his line.

And sadly it is not possible to block one number from contacting your phone from a network side.

OP, you will either need to contact your provider for a number change or contact the Gardai if you want to go down that route.

meglome

can_emphatise wrote: »

Hi, I'm in the same situation, just a shorter time.
I broke it off with the gf, after a long period of us fighting because she didn't like my friends.
I'm male and my ex girlfriend (23 years old) will text, email and phone me with abuse every day.
She will ring up just to tell me that I smell, that I'm ugly, tells me that I have no friends etc.
I laugh it off mostly.
Unfortunately I can't change my number as I need it for work, and she would be easily able to find my new number/email/etc.
I get a severe amount of nasty texts. I also reply the very odd time (only in email, not text) with a standard message saying that her nuisance calls are illegal and her abusive texts are harrasment, and I'd like her to stop contacting me, or I'd be going to the Gardai, which I didn't want to do, as she's actually a nice girl and doesn't need a criminal record.
I've gone so far as to ring one of her parents and ask. I was given a very polite answer where he assured me that their daughter wouldn't demean herself ever to ring such a scumbag as myself again, and to never contact her again, and to never contact them again.
I agreed to this, fair enough. A bit rich coming from them, considering I had only sent 2 or 3 emails asking her not to contact me. This in light of up to 50 calls a day, and 2-20 texts per day giving me abuse, as well as an occasional email with more abuse.

Of course she didn't stop ringing or texting or calling. I was tempted for a while to ring her parents again, but sure that makes me just like her, calling someone who didn't want to speak to me. I considered going to the Gardai, and just as I was about to go, I realised something.

(bear with me, this is getting to the point of my story to help you, hopefully)

I realised that she was ringing me to be nasty (although she is normally lovely).
She was just hurt. She still wants me, and is so hurt that the relationship didn't work out that she was striking out in the only way she could, by trying to hurt me as much as she could. She was/is lashing out totally at me in an effort to upset me as much as she can.

You need to understand(and I do now) that people get over relationships at different rates. Your ex needs to get himself out and get a life. In the meantime, just ignore it or go to the Gardaí to get the number blocked if you feel its going too far.

take care!

I can see you're trying to be understanding which is nice. But her behaviour is not okay and she needs to understand that, even if the guards have to be involved.

sam34

can_emphatise wrote: »

She was just hurt. She still wants me, and is so hurt that the relationship didn't work out that she was striking out in the only way she could, by trying to hurt me as much as she could. She was/is lashing out totally at me in an effort to upset me as much as she can.

You need to understand(and I do now) that people get over relationships at different rates. Your ex needs to get himself out and get a life. In the meantime, just ignore it or go to the Gardaí to get the number blocked if you feel its going too far.

take care!

i believe my ex's motivation is different. i dont think he wants to hurt me or get at me in some way. the text content is never abusive or threatening. what he wants is to make sure i dont move on and dont forget him. he is an unbelievable control freak and i think this is his way of saying "you may have dumped me but you wont get me out of your life that easily".

LegacyUser

Why don't U just find somebody - say, another friend :

And, let the bollico see U and that friend 'atein the face' off
each other and looking all luvy-dovey like ...

Like U have moved on and found someone else ...

That should really piss the bollico off !

pookie82

can_emphatise wrote: »

Hi, I'm in the same situation, just a shorter time.
I broke it off with the gf, after a long period of us fighting because she didn't like my friends.
I'm male and my ex girlfriend (23 years old) will text, email and phone me with abuse every day.
She will ring up just to tell me that I smell, that I'm ugly, tells me that I have no friends etc.
I laugh it off mostly.
Unfortunately I can't change my number as I need it for work, and she would be easily able to find my new number/email/etc.
I get a severe amount of nasty texts. I also reply the very odd time (only in email, not text) with a standard message saying that her nuisance calls are illegal and her abusive texts are harrasment, and I'd like her to stop contacting me, or I'd be going to the Gardai, which I didn't want to do, as she's actually a nice girl and doesn't need a criminal record.
I've gone so far as to ring one of her parents and ask. I was given a very polite answer where he assured me that their daughter wouldn't demean herself ever to ring such a scumbag as myself again, and to never contact her again, and to never contact them again.
I agreed to this, fair enough. A bit rich coming from them, considering I had only sent 2 or 3 emails asking her not to contact me. This in light of up to 50 calls a day, and 2-20 texts per day giving me abuse, as well as an occasional email with more abuse.

Of course she didn't stop ringing or texting or calling. I was tempted for a while to ring her parents again, but sure that makes me just like her, calling someone who didn't want to speak to me. I considered going to the Gardai, and just as I was about to go, I realised something.

(bear with me, this is getting to the point of my story to help you, hopefully)

I realised that she was ringing me to be nasty (although she is normally lovely).
She was just hurt. She still wants me, and is so hurt that the relationship didn't work out that she was striking out in the only way she could, by trying to hurt me as much as she could. She was/is lashing out totally at me in an effort to upset me as much as she can.

You need to understand(and I do now) that people get over relationships at different rates. Your ex needs to get himself out and get a life. In the meantime, just ignore it or go to the Gardaí to get the number blocked if you feel its going too far.

take care!

Whether or not this girl is nice/hurt/doesn't deserve a record, what she's doing is wrong and she's displaying all the signs of a very sick person (by that I mean mentally). Lots of people have been hurt after break ups and have made a few drunken calls/ texts to an ex after a night out or whatever and look back in shame at what a fool they made of themselves.

This goes far far beyond that. 50 missed calls a day and up to 20 texts? Calling you fat and smelly????? is she 15????

This is pathetic behaviour and she should be suitably embarrassed and ashamed. I've been hurt and heartbroken many times but have never resorted to this kind of behaviour and never will. She has no excuse.

If i'd gotten that reaction from her parents i'd be going straight to the guards to be honest. If you needing to contact her family hasn't put a stop to it, nothing but a legal warning will. As another poster said, she needs to know that what she's doing is unacceptable and wrong.

OP, I think nicely explaining your situation to a guard and maybe asking them to call him on your behalf sounds like a really good idea. It may mean you don't have to change your number or go to any extreme measures. Plus if you have any mutual contacts or mates it won't be hard for him to gain your new number.

Gumbyman

Horrid situation. I can completely see OP's point in not wanting to change number. I couldn't do that myself as I have had it for years and it is my business contact number. Have you tried ringing him and telling him to stop calling you? Alternatively call to his place of work and tell him off in front of his workmates/receptionist/anybody. Hopefully will embarass him enough to make him not want you to do it again.

You could keep ringing his workplace and asking for him and then saying "stop texting me" or keep ringing his direct line and hanging up. A few days of this constantly should hammer the point home.

Go to cops first, then if that doesn't work do as somebody suggested - have somebody call around, and if that fails then fight fire with fire.

biko

sam34 wrote: »

please dont tell me to change my number, as that would be huge hassle for me.

Not as big as the hassle you're currently having.

Toots

Top_Drawer wrote: »

Why don't U just find somebody - say, another friend :

And, let the bollico see U and that friend 'atein the face' off
each other and looking all luvy-dovey like ...

Like U have moved on and found someone else ...

That should really piss the bollico off !

I dunno if that would help. On one hand it might make him realise you'd moved on and he'd give up, but on the other hand it may make him really jealous and even more determined to 'win you back'. OP, do not stage any kind of encounter for him, just IGNORE HIM COMPLETELY, and if he doesn't stop, seriously go to the Gardai. They may not be able to do anything now, but they'll have a record of the complaint, and if it persists over a long period of time and you come back to report it more, they'll do something. They need to be 100% sure the guy is making a nusiance of himself, and they need to make a strong case for it, (they told me that a lot of these cases can be hard to prove, as it's sort of like your word against his, as they'd need a special permission to view his phone records) rather than you just going down to the station once. Although hopefully you won't have to, and he'll just cop the fcuk on and stop.