Friends annoyed over time spent with BF

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone,
New to this Lark but i have a dilemma..... Up to a year and a half ago I was young free and single and now i am young free and engaged....... Still the same old me but unfortunately with less time on my hands at weekends for my friends. My other half lives in a different county and so we see each other then.

I was always there people and listening to their endless problems re boyfriends and letting them come over to my house crying at four in the morning. I always gave support and advice and would drop everything. I was always the one that could be relied on in a crisis...


Thing is I still am that girl.... still have the girls over for wine and dinner and likewise go to theirs. This happens on weeknights (it always has) as for a very long time( 10 years) I was the singleton and kinda slotted in around their lives.

I should explain at this point that while i love going out having a few drinks ,clubbing and getting blotto has never been my forte.

Lately the girls are asking me out at weekends all the time for silly occasions (an example one passed her driving test) and while i will go out i'm not prepared to give up my whole weekend to people anymore.

I know they are talking about me behind my back (not being paranoid but I tell one of them something random and the other repeats it)

I'm hurt firstly because I have always helped them and been there for them and secondly because i want them to be happy for me that I have met a great person and am in love.

Its not a case they don't like him but its like they resent the time i spend with him. This is the man i am going to marry and have kids with.

My friend (who is not in the group) said to "feck them". I have loads of other friends but feel like i don't wanna waste this one either

Hope it all makes sense.

MIN2511

disasterzone wrote: »

Hi Everyone,
New to this Lark but i have a dilemma..... Up to a year and a half ago I was young free and single and now i am young free and engaged....... Still the same old me but unfortunately with less time on my hands at weekends for my friends. My other half lives in a different county and so we see each other then.

I was always there people and listening to their endless problems re boyfriends and letting them come over to my house crying at four in the morning. I always gave support and advice and would drop everything. I was always the one that could be relied on in a crisis...


Thing is I still am that girl.... still have the girls over for wine and dinner and likewise go to theirs. This happens on weeknights (it always has) as for a very long time( 10 years) I was the singleton and kinda slotted in around their lives.

I should explain at this point that while i love going out having a few drinks ,clubbing and getting blotto has never been my forte.

Lately the girls are asking me out at weekends all the time for silly occasions (an example one passed her driving test) and while i will go out i'm not prepared to give up my whole weekend to people anymore.

I know they are talking about me behind my back (not being paranoid but I tell one of them something random and the other repeats it)

I'm hurt firstly because I have always helped them and been there for them and secondly because i want them to be happy for me that I have met a great person and am in love.

Its not a case they don't like him but its like they resent the time i spend with him. This is the man i am going to marry and have kids with.

My friend (who is not in the group) said to "feck them". I have loads of other friends but feel like i don't wanna waste this one either

Hope it all makes sense.

I know where they are coming from and also where you are coming from having been in situations like that.
It's very hard to balance the relationship; at the end of the day you need to define time with the girls and also time with your man. It's hard believe me but you would be fine.

LegacyUser

thanks min... Im suppose i do balance the time spent and i never moaned when they didn't have the time to spend with me when they were / are too busy with their partners. I have never once made demands on their time like they do with mine.

I'm mad about them really i am but i just feel like its a two way street........ like they should give me the leeway i so willingly gave them.

I can't be that mad go out at the drop of a hat person anymore i was at 19 or 20. Its ten yrs later and we all have to mature.

MIN2511

disaster zone wrote: »

thanks min... Im suppose i do balance the time spent and i never moaned when they didn't have the time to spend with me when they were / are too busy with their partners. I have never once made demands on their time like they do with mine.

I'm mad about them really i am but i just feel like its a two way street........ like they should give me the leeway i so willingly gave them.

I can't be that mad go out at the drop of a hat person anymore i was at 19 or 20. Its ten yrs later and we all have to mature.

I know this all too well, my best friend and i stopped talking for 6 months... 3 years ago

Idea; organise an impromptu girls night out(coffee, dinner, cinema or good ol shopping) and bring up the topic and tell them how you feel.

I cooked dinner for 4 of the girls and we talked about our respective relationships and how we missed each other e.t.c. and after that we concluded then that thursdays would be the hangout days and it worked.

Am guessing they want you to be happy above all and likewise, it's all about compromise. Don't worry girl, it all works out someway and somehow

Captain Ginger

I can see what you mean but I can see their side too.

I had a friend who was my best friend when we were in school and college and all that, but whenever he got a new girlfriend, he shafted me and all his other mates and only hung out with his girlfriend/s, then as soon as the relationship ended he would come back to us as if nothing had happened and in the end we all got a bit fed up and felt used.

Your friends might be feeling the same, however from what I read from you, you are still spending time with them and trying your best, the chances are they are a bit peeved at the fact that someone who they could use to let out everything now has a life of their own and there might be a bit of the green eyed monster case.

As you said people have to grow up, and you have done that, give it time, when they realise that this is how things are and it's going to stay like this then you will know who your real friends are.

LegacyUser

Captain Ginger wrote: »

I can see what you mean but I can see their side too.

I had a friend who was my best friend when we were in school and college and all that, but whenever he got a new girlfriend, he shafted me and all his other mates and only hung out with his girlfriend/s, then as soon as the relationship ended he would come back to us as if nothing had happened and in the end we all got a bit fed up and felt used.

Your friends might be feeling the same, however from what I read from you, you are still spending time with them and trying your best, the chances are they are a bit peeved at the fact that someone who they could use to let out everything now has a life of their own and there might be a bit of the green eyed monster case.

As you said people have to grow up, and you have done that, give it time, when they realise that this is how things are and it's going to stay like this then you will know who your real friends are.

Thanks... Like I totally have not shafted them. Before I met my other half I was starting that "wind down " on the mad nights out anyway. And this is where the problem lies... My other half has no qualms about me heading out if he is coming down if anything he encourages it. They maybe don't have that freedom and when they are out away from their partners/ husbands they wanna go wild. Its totally unfair of them to see their commitments as more important than mine i.e one of them does a course two of them have husbands and kids and i feel as though i am meant to make all the effort .

Although I had a string over male "friends" or non important boyfriends throughout the years i feel a bit sad that now I have met someone that makes me so happy they cannot be happy for me.

Get where i am coming from?

LegacyUser

MIN2511 wrote: »

I know this all too well, my best friend and i stopped talking for 6 months... 3 years ago

Idea; organise an impromptu girls night out(coffee, dinner, cinema or good ol shopping) and bring up the topic and tell them how you feel.

I cooked dinner for 4 of the girls and we talked about our respective relationships and how we missed each other e.t.c. and after that we concluded then that thursdays would be the hangout days and it worked.

Am guessing they want you to be happy above all and likewise, it's all about compromise. Don't worry girl, it all works out someway and somehow

thanks for the wise words... Thats another thing that bothers me.... there are say five or six of us that hang out and really only three of us ever have dinner parties or wine nights....

I think i will broach it with them..... it can only help to be honest with them i guess
thanks ur a legend

Dragan

Let your friends know how you feel is a great step.

Remind them that you plan on getting married to your other half, that you don't get to see him all that often and that you do plan on spending the rest of your life with him.

In my opinions, friends want to see other friends happy and are then happy for them. They don't bitch and moan because you are taking the same steps that most people want to take and then don't get to see you as much!!

If you had cut them out completely then i could see their point but as you are still the one making the effort to see them, despite your current busy life then i don't think you have anything to feel bad about.

LegacyUser

Dragan wrote: »

Let your friends know how you feel is a great step.

Remind them that you plan on getting married to your other half, that you don't get to see him all that often and that you do plan on spending the rest of your life with him.

In my opinions, friends want to see other friends happy and are then happy for them. They don't bitch and moan because you are taking the same steps that most people want to take and then don't get to see you as much!!

If you had cut them out completely then i could see their point but as you are still the one making the effort to see them, despite your current busy life then i don't think you have anything to feel bad about.

Thanks... and like sometimes i feel like i don't have a minute to myself. I think I haven't changed in terms of my beliefs but its a total bummer that they feel that way. I would understand if my other was a bollic*s but most of my other friends bar this group are saying they've never seen me more happy!

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone! its such a load off my mind....

Dudess

I have zero time for people who abandon their friends just because they're loved up - IF their partner is living nearby. I think your friends are being really unfair on you. You were a fantastic mate to them when they were going through all their relationship troubles, now that you've found love they should be nothing but happy for you. I can tell that you still make plenty of time for them but your partner is living far away too, so unfortunately that puts paid to you spending as much time with them as they'd like. And they should understand that. You seem like a great friend, you deserve more appreciation.

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

I have zero time for people who abandon their friends just because they're loved up - IF their partner is living nearby. I think your friends are being really unfair on you. You were a fantastic mate to them when they were going through all their relationship troubles, now that you've found love they should be nothing but happy for you. I can tell that you still make plenty of time for them but your partner is living far away too, so unfortunately that puts paid to you spending as much time with them as they'd like. And they should understand that. You seem like a great friend, you deserve more appreciation.

And like dudess this is I am marrying this guy..... Hes not boyfriend number 5 that i have done this with or anything like it... I just think that a bit of give and take would not go astray! For years I went away to family and friends abroad etc for holidays because they were going with their other halves and I never once complained that they arranged holidays and pulled out because they met men!the "double stanadards here are driving me insane!!!

I think also the fact that one of them has come back on the single scene recently has a lot to do with it.

missmatty

I'd like to +1 everything Dudess said I'm one of the only single people among my friends, and always make time for them and the effort to see them. Definitely have noticed some of them pretty much drop off the radar when they meet guys, whereas when I'm seeing someone I nearly make MORE of an effort for my friends as I would hate to be labelled that type of person.

LegacyUser

missmatty wrote: »

I'd like to +1 everything Dudess said I'm one of the only single people among my friends, and always make time for them and the effort to see them. Definitely have noticed some of them pretty much drop off the radar when they meet guys, whereas when I'm seeing someone I nearly make MORE of an effort for my friends as I would hate to be labelled that type of person.

Yeah exactly i am not dropping them or anything..... they have done plenty of that to be honest!

Dudess

Captain Ginger wrote: »

I can see what you mean but I can see their side too.

I had a friend who was my best friend when we were in school and college and all that, but whenever he got a new girlfriend, he shafted me and all his other mates and only hung out with his girlfriend/s, then as soon as the relationship ended he would come back to us as if nothing had happened and in the end we all got a bit fed up and felt used.

Your friends might be feeling the same

Well they don't have the right to, because the scenario you described is completely different to the OP's situation. I certainly don't have any sympathy for her friends' "side". Your friend was behaving in a selfish, thoughtless manner - we all know at least one person like that - but the OP is completely incomparable to such people.

however from what I read from you, you are still spending time with them and trying your best, the chances are they are a bit peeved at the fact that someone who they could use to let out everything now has a life of their own and there might be a bit of the green eyed monster case.

Yep, that's far more accurate.

OP, it seems they feel you have a nerve for "daring" to no longer be the person they were used to frankly taking for granted and using. I think you've the right to have some very harsh words with them.

There are of course annoying, silly girls who put their boyfriends before their friends/seek their boyfriends' approval on the rare occasions that they do agree to spend time with their friends, but you're definitely not one of them.

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

Well they don't have the right to, because the scenario you described is completely different to the OP's situation. I certainly don't have any sympathy for her friends' "side". Your friend was behaving in a selfish, thoughtless manner - we all know at least one person like that - but the OP is completely incomparable to such people.

Yep, that's far more accurate.

OP, it seems they feel you have a nerve for "daring" to no longer be the person they were used to frankly taking for granted and using. I think you've the right to have some very harsh words with them.

There are of course annoying, silly girls who put their boyfriends before their friends/seek their boyfriends' approval on the rare occasions that they do agree to spend time with their friends, but you're definitely not one of them.

That is totally true dudess... My oldest friends are always saying people treat me like a mug at times and I am trying also to branch away from that carry on!

*Nicola*

I've found myself in a similar situation. I found a guy who really loves me for who I am and my friends think I spend too much time with him. He works continously from Monday to Saturday and lives 45 mins away from me. so Saturday nights and sundays are my days with him. one friend in particular resorted to abusive messages and started judging the relationship.
I'd advise you to just simply try and organise a girly night out or even in. I don't see why alcohol is always associated with spending time with friends (well it was in the case of my friends). Your friends are just going to have to give you time with your fiancé as you obviously love him and spending time with him. Explain it to them how its hard not seeing him until the weekend and that its the only time you get with him. They'd have to understand.

Congratulations by the way on your engagement!

LegacyUser

Thanks Nicola i was thrilled... That's the thing I don't really think they can handle the fact that i am in love and for once am putting myself and my feelings (within reason) first. I suppose I am partly to blame because I gave them the habit of me being the old reliable

LegacyUser

Righto I had a bit of a casual dinner last night and sorta explained my situation to them but i didn't really confront them properly just sort of said "well this is how it is for the forseeable future" they seemed to accept it but i have a sneaky suspicison they left and were probabably talking about me again. Another of my friends called over and by coincidence starting talking about how great my other half is. hopefully that'll put an end to it but we will see.

Jesus I could have written this PI six months ago,
A year and a bit ago I met this really fantasticly handsome guy….god girls he's is a gentleman through and through and the compatibility with us is through the roof

1 particular mate dumped her bloke around xmas and gave me such **** for not being avail enough for her , In the old days I would hang out pretty much whenever she wanted and now if I have plans It is really like How dare you wah!!! Our mutual friend had a boyfriend too, was doing the same and a word wasn’t even said to her
I was just used to being painted as old relaible /always up for a few drinks
Said mate then got into a LDR and all hell broke loose as she constantly missed her bloke….now her and my fella barely speak he got sick of her rants to me
She went so far as to attack him on a night out regarding this behaviour
How dare he let me socialise on my own if he doesn't want to join me in going out or to a particular place, she actually thought this was selfish of him

I had stopped/scalled back on going to a particular haunt every week it was boring and also the boyf hates it because its full of kids
I still went out just went back to his and at they had also complained of him never joining me( in a group full of girls , he is not crazy)

I don't live with parents and regularly have the girls over the last couple of years for various parties nights in etc etc but the last couple of times it turned into a whole" we miss the old you thing"

My sister , her friend , my cousin all single , all ranted at me because I answered the phone to him they said I mention him too much
*Well if they talk about there various men I will speak about mine*
They can go and **** off!
I grew up and stopped messing around I still have nights out with them but only if I can actually go out I had to grow up eventually and work is a huge factor also
Work and himself have more of a priority

A shocked silence was all I got from most of them when I said we had discussed future, living together and maybe marriage and also when he gave me a key which has made me realise they are jealous … One friend has since hooked up with a guy now 3 months and confessed she was annoyed and jealous at how cheesily perfect we were together

3 or 4 nights a week isn’t a lot to have been spending with my boyfriend I still can’t believe I ever though it was


You need to sit your mates down and have a rant at them

I did and whilst they still roll there eyes if I say I am staying at or leaving from his they can like or lump the fact we are in it for good and madly in love and they should be happy for me
Its coming up to our year anniversary already

LegacyUser

Oh my god it looks like we are the same person posting... everything you said is so true like i think when you meet someone and there is that kind of chemistry it bowls you over. When you are that taken quite quickly (as i was) i think it can be hard in some ways for your friends to watch you swoon over someone if that isn't usually your form.

Love comes in different ways to people and i can see them exchanging looks at each other if i say anything. I reckon its been so long since their men have made them feel that way.

That said i totallt respect their relationship and they better pull up their socks regarding me and mine!

Same happened with me as my bf was trying to break up with someone a while.
His behaviour towards me is second to none and a male friend of mine last week only said to him that he was good for me and that we're great together. He takes care of me like I'm a princess and I'm just as good to him.

I figured a while back that it was and had to be jealously
If your best friend tells you she has discussed living together and marraige and you get a silence/reaction like you just drank vodka for breakfast you know there is something up.
I have had relationships before never long term and always lust based and also a few long term Fbuddys as I always craved sex and fun and there was always a lot of drama in my life regarding socialising and men
So yes I agree with you I have probably changed a lot more than my friends bargained for but I think they are more upset over the fact I did

I entered into this seriously and I'm glad I did and witheld through the **** my friends gave me and my boyfriend.
Stick it out and maybe help them with any issues they might have in future with men
I have to say I never thought i'd be the one in my group with the most stable relationship

LegacyUser

Cool CSG that is so great I actually pinch myself when i think of how lucky i am. If I am honest I think they miss the drama with my love life and the drama in general. I haven't had a single bit. Another thing is as a rule I don't discuss any minor disagreements with them or our sex life because i think its better kept among yourselves.

I am constantly listening to the sh"ite tings their BF's say to them and then its hard for me not to say what i think!


I was kind of one of the first to get my own place and i guess they got used to being able to call over when it suited them.


I think you sound like me.... in love but grounded.