Suspicous and Paranoid.

HouseHippo

I recently found out my bf of 4 years cheated on me last year :mad:. (kissing and groping to be specific) Also he sometimes flirts with other girls by text.It's not even the cheating that annoys me, It's the fact that he lied for a whole year and even when I caught him out continued to lie for about an hour. But now i find myself being the typical jealous gf. I check his texts, read his emails etc.I find myself being paranoid when he goes out drinking with his mates etc. (I can't go because i'm working on portfolio) I now expect him to cheat.He assures me it was a one off"drunken"(everyone's excuse) mistake.

Am I being unreasonable,should i start trusting him again.I don't want to lose him as I love him very much. I want to get over it as it's driving a wedge between us.

RedXIV

Gonna be honest lass, A relationship without trust isn't a relationship, its a ticking timebomb.

I wouldn't be too impressed with a guy who continued to lie, even after getting caught, this is not setting a good precident, but only you can decide if you can make it with this relationship, do you two care enough to start trusting each other?

I couldn't. Maybe you're stronger

HouseHippo

He trusts me with his life i'd never betray his trust.it's me who needs to start trusting him.We have been through alot together,he is my best friend and I don't know where I would be without him.

But as you said it's a ticking time bomb and i'm afraid we are going to split on really bad terms.I just cant bring myself to end it.

Gross Halfwit

Seconded ... a relationship minus trust is not a relationsip at all.

I wet out with a girl for 2 years & then I found out she cheated on me while on holidays. She told me when she got back. The trust died that day & so too did the relationship. Chalk it up to experience & move on. It will be hard but it's the best option. I was in love with her & we had all manner of plans made but my self respect is worth more. End it ...

If you decide to stay with him & still be paranoid then ...

He will get sick of the accusations, mistrust & paranoia & dump you. He'll give a speech about how he can't be with someone who doesnt trust him & that he said sorry & if you loved him then you'd forgive him. He will turn the tables & make you the bad guy. He will dump you on what seems like principal & so exonerates him of his own wrong doing.

IF yu decide to stay with him & completely forgive him & no longer act paranoid then ...

Get WELCOME tattooed on your back.

It may be harsh but it's life.

What age are you by the way? I' guessing young? Or are you in Art college?

RedXIV

let me put it this way lass. he cheated. that's already a betrayal of trust. this has provoked a sense of minor paranoia in you.

What this means is that if he comes home after a night out, and you see make up on his shirt, you're going to think the worst. even if all he did was bump into someone caked in the stuff.

If this sounds like a plausable situation, then you are going to trust issues

HouseHippo

Yes he does quite like to make me the bad guy in the situation.When he cheated I somehow ended up comforting him. I'm just turned 18 he is 20. He's also my first bf.

HouseHippo

Lol it's not that plausable,we don't live together so he would prob wash it before I seen.His job makes it very hard to trust him also he works sometimes till 5 in the morning and could be anywhere when he tells me he is in work.

srdb20

Agree with Red and Gross,

It will have an effect on the relationship even if you try to forget about it.... It will always be in the back of your mind when he is out!!!

No trust = No relationship

TBH no one here knows you that well so what we are caying may not be congruent to you, the decision is yours just make sure you make the right one for you.

AngryBadger

I'd suggest a break-up OP.

You mention that you're working on your portfolio, so I assume you're preparing to head to college in the near future?

I realise this is your first boyfriend, and forgive me if I seem insensitive here that's absolutely not my intent, but you're both at an age where a lot pf people are out meeting and greeting new people all the time. If you're planning to start thrid level, you're going to meet loads of people and get the chance to have some wonderful times.

Being stuck in a relationship like this, where you don't trust him, and he doesn't seem to respect you (which I'm reading from the text-flirting with other women, and him turning you into the bad guy), would be a real downer in college.

If you move away for college will he be moving too? If he's not are you going to be spending all your time away form him wondering if he's with someone else?

You're 18, you're just out of the racing gate, give yourself a chance to have a life, leave this fealla go, date a few other lads over the next few years, learn a bit more about yourself, get your portfolio sorted and head off to college (or wherever) for yourself, believe me you'll be in a much better, and happier place then.

Best of luck with stuff OP!

Aurora Borealis

Yuck, yuck, yuck.
I felt like that in a previous relationship for a number of reasons. Stories my ex told me himself and supposed friends of his warning me of his past infidelities, also not helped by from some seriously questionable texts from a girl which he conveniently forgot texting. Was cracked about him so put it out of my head but as other things between us got rockier the more they resurfaced and I never felt secure.
It's a horrible way to be and a horrible way to feel and I personally would run a mile if I started feeling like that again as I've never been like that before or since and I know it brings out the absolute worst in me.

LegacyUser

what are you doing trusting him? he has cheated on you, this flirting with girls on text whats that all about? been with my fella 4.5 years too if i found out he cheated his ass would be out. you have wasted 4 years on this fella, whats to stop him going off and cheating again seeing as he got away with it. 4 years of your life is alot to invest with someone, you need to decide wheather you are going to waste another 4 just to find out he has cheated again and this time he wants to leave.

Gross Halfwit

It's going to be hard but I think you should end it or one of the scenarios I lised above will play itself out.

Youre young & you will bounce back. Don't be afraidto be alone & don't let this relationship ruin all subsequent ones in the future. You dont want him branding you the ruiner of a relationship or a paranoid person because I'm sure you're not.

The majesty of first love is the ignorance that it will never end.

Sagat06

HouseHippo wrote: »

He trusts me with his life i'd never betray his trust.it's me who needs to start trusting him.

You certainly dont NEED to start trusting him, he has got to re-earn your trust!

I'm not one of those for break up with him quickly as soon as he makes a mistake cos they do happen, but he needs to at least show his remorse for his actions and actively ensure you know you can still trust him!

RedXIV

fair enough, then what do you do if you're in a night club and girls you don't know claim to know him. and are friendly bordering on flirty as people with an excess of alcohol can be?

There are 100's of small things that will trigger your paranoia if you can't learn to forgive and forget

HouseHippo

I totally understand what you are saying.

LegacyUser

make the break now, you will have the summer to get over it and then have a clean slate when you start school again. you deserve better and you will look back on this as a very lucky escape when you find someone that deserves you

takola

I agree with everyone else. He's cheated. Which some people may be able to forgive. I think I myself might be able to forgive it but the behaviour after he cheated ie. lying about it, texting another girl etc, doesn't invite you to trust him again.

You're going to be college soon OP. You'll have so many new things happening in your life soon and you'll be fine. But I really think you should walk away from this now. You'll end up questioning his every move (And rightly so imo). You don't need that.

At the end of the day though, We can only offer outside advice. It's not always so easy to follow other peoples advice. You need to ask yourself will you ever really forgive him for what he did and be able to stop wondering what he's up to. Do you really need that in your life? How will this effect you further down the line when you're in another relationship. Think about it long and hard and go with the decision you're sure is right for you.

HouseHippo

I wonder is there anyway I can help myself get over it. He said he would do anything to show me I can trust him. He even said he wouldn go out till i was finished my portfolio prep etc. But I cant expect him to give up his whole life because I'm paranoid.

if anyone has been cheated on.....how do you build back up trust, can people just make a mistake or is it once a cheater always a cheater?

srdb20

I tried the above, building up trust but even when i thought i was over it, it would creep back into my head on certain nights when my ex was out!!!

I honestly cant tell you how you will be able to completely build up the trust again, i mean will you ever feel the same where you dont have any inklings that he is cheating again???

Ask yourself if this is what you want or not?

orchidsrpretty

HouseHippo wrote: »

I wonder is there anyway I can help myself get over it. He said he would do anything to show me I can trust him. He even said he wouldn go out till i was finished my portfolio prep etc. But I cant expect him to give up his whole life because I'm paranoid.

if anyone has been cheated on.....how do you build back up trust, can people just make a mistake or is it once a cheater always a cheater?

When I started going out with my current BF, I caught him cheating one night in a club( wasn't expecting me to show up!). We had a serious chat about it and agreed never to bring it up again. The trust thing just happens if your willing to forgive and forget, and he does nothing to remind you of it i.e texting other girls, flirting etc.. But if you are the kind of the person that brings up past mistakes in arugments, then I'd say your better off ending it now.

Oh forgot to say we are still with eachother 3 years later and I've never had a reason to not trust him when he goes out with his mates.

HouseHippo

Tbh I try not to mention it as much as possible. I dealt with it at the time (the girl he cheated with contacted me on bebo,what a **** stirrer) and we haven't spoke of it since.

LegacyUser

I have gone through this with my girlfriend, hers was much worse, but only you know where you both stand here, you cant communicate the nature of your relationship in as many lines here, so I'll just give you my opinion.

It is going to take a long time for you to get over this, and a lot of action on his part. Judge from what he does, not what he says. If he isnt overly accountable, as well he should be if he is serious in earning your trust again, then it is time to move on. But by all means, give it time, if you believe it is worth the effort.

I dont believe 'once a cheater, always a cheater', and I can tell you if both of you are serious, trust is possible - trust without fear. If you believe you can reach a point where you can trust him without fear of him doing something inappropriate, or just relax in his absence, then go for it. It takes time. Cheat once, get help; cheat twice, get out

Aurora Borealis

helperton wrote: »

I have gone through this with my girlfriend, hers was much worse, but only you know where you both stand here, you cant communicate the nature of your relationship in as many lines here, so I'll just give you my opinion.

It is going to take a long time for you to get over this, and a lot of action on his part. Judge from what he does, not what he says. If he isnt overly accountable, as well he should be if he is serious in earning your trust again, then it is time to move on. But by all means, give it time, if you believe it is worth the effort.

I dont believe 'once a cheater, always a cheater', and I can tell you if both of you are serious, trust is possible - trust without fear. If you believe you can reach a point where you can trust him without fear of him doing something inappropriate, or just relax in his absence, then go for it. It takes time. Cheat once, get help; cheat twice, get out

It's nice to hear the success stories. I do think you can build trust again. It takes a lot of honesty.