Clingy Ex

LegacyUser

I've noticed alot of threads about ex's lately and it inspired me to post my own thread on the subject.

My ex broke up with me last month (5 weeks tomorrow) and I've been having a rough time ever since. We are both 27 btw. We were going out for nearly two years and never had any major fights but over the last month before the split we took time off from each other then he suddenly ended it.

The trouble is that ever since we split he has texted & called me a few times a week which is totally confusing me. He says thinks like "How are you?", "Do you want to meet sometime?" & "I miss you". I try not to text him back because I need some space to adjust and sort out my feelings but I always end up texting him back. He actually called me yesterday from the pub and I foolishly answered. He asked me why I was being really cold to him and why I never text or call him anymore. Is he joking?

Another thing is that I work with his brother (it is a big company so I only see him in passing) but everytime I see him he says things like "how are you coping" & "X says hello". I am totally confused! He was the one who broke up with me so what is he playing at here?

Beruthiel

Tired of it all wrote: »

He asked me why I was being really cold to him and why I never text or call him anymore. Is he joking?

Did you ask him?
If I were you I'd be telling him to stop texting and calling as he's messing with your head. Tell him it's over and you'd like to move on now thanks.

biko

He is probably concerned about you. This is more common among girls - after they rip your heart out they want to "stay in touch" and "still be friends".
Maybe the reason he broke up with you was something other that lack of love/feelings?

STUBBORNGIRL

Tired of it all wrote: »

I've noticed alot of threads about ex's lately and it inspired me to post my own thread on the subject.

My ex broke up with me last month (5 weeks tomorrow) and I've been having a rough time ever since. We are both 27 btw. We were going out for nearly two years and never had any major fights but over the last month before the split we took time off from each other then he suddenly ended it.

The trouble is that ever since we split he has texted & called me a few times a week which is totally confusing me. He says thinks like "How are you?", "Do you want to meet sometime?" & "I miss you". I try not to text him back because I need some space to adjust and sort out my feelings but I always end up texting him back. He actually called me yesterday from the pub and I foolishly answered. He asked me why I was being really cold to him and why I never text or call him anymore. Is he joking?

Another thing is that I work with his brother (it is a big company so I only see him in passing) but everytime I see him he says things like "how are you coping" & "X says hello". I am totally confused! He was the one who broke up with me so what is he playing at here?

He broke up with you and is now ringing you??Is this guy for real? well i am sorry now but that sounds to me like a guy who is playing games with you.

Can i ask if you both discussed the reasons behind breaking up? The rest of my post will assume that nothing was discussed, if he didnt have the manners to explain to you his reasons for breaking up then he has no right to be ringing and texting you.

Tell him that you are broken up now and that you can see no reason to be texting eachother and would he mind deleting your number so that you can get on with your life. There are better men out there that are worthy of you. Go find yourself one. :)Good luck

melekalikimaka

i think hes being nice, you an dump someone nd still care bout them and their feelings

Beetlebum

melekalikimaka wrote: »

i think hes being nice, you an dump someone nd still care bout them and their feelings

That's a very naive way of thinking, he cared about her feelings so much then he'd stop messing with her head.

My opinion would be that he broke up with you and is now feeling lonely, confused, wondering if he made a mistake and missing you. He obviously broke up with you for a reason but is now feeling the fear of being alone. He wants now what he threw away. Don't give it to him.

melekalikimaka

maybe naive but some guys are like that. i know i can be sometimes, doesnt mean i wanna mess with their heads or anything

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one.

I am in the very same boat as the OP.

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years ended it with me a few months ago and is doing the very same thing. There were no hard feelings on either side although I didnt see the split coming at all. Was totally shocked and all the usual feelings that go with a break up.

He was constantly texting and emailing and being nice and ringing me when he was drunk and wanting to know what I was up to. I was trying to move on and forget about him as you do.

He is still the same but not as bad. Very head wrecking tho.

LegacyUser

He never gave me a real reason for breaking up with me, just a load of excuses like "I tried my best to make it work but I don't think I can right now.......maybe in the future though?" & "You are really important to me but I think we need to be alone right now". So I don't have a real reason but it could be possible that he is holding the real reason back from me because he doesn't want to hurt me more? I could just be paranoid though, I have had some serious lack of sleep lately and look and feel like hell.

We actually meet the weekend after we split, I was with some friends and he texted me and asked where I was, I told him and he dropped in for a chat. He told me that he is going on holiday with his brother and that he has been going out with his work mates alot (he works with 70% women btw), this didn't exactly inspire confedince in me but after he left he text "Do you want to meet up sometime? You look good, I miss you".

The whole situation has me in tears. My sister & best friend told me that he is probably playing mindgames with me and is possibly hedging his bets with some other girl but I don't think he would be that cold, although at this stage I wouldn't put it past him. Maybe that is why I never pushed him for a real answer, would I be better off not knowing? God I must sound so paranoid!

RedXIV

melekalikimaka wrote: »

maybe naive but some guys are like that. i know i can be sometimes, doesnt mean i wanna mess with their heads or anything

^ has a point. I would instinctively watch over anyone i'd been close enough with to be in a relationship with and trying to turn off that protection sense is pretty hard. he genuinely may be trying to help so just ask him to leave you alone and explain that you'd prefer it. He'll understand

kmick

Tell him you have started seeing someone else - refuse to say who it is.Tell him you met them while you were with him. Then stop taking his calls. Whenever you meet the guy in work ask him if your ex is ok before he asks you. Take back some power girl...

Wibbs

It's usually selfishness masquerading as caring about someone. That's at its very basic level usually an excuse or serious naivete as BeetleBum wrote.

While they don't want the relationship for whatever reason, but don't want the loss of the good parts either.

In men who dump women it's usually drunken calls and texts often with a view to getting the leg over until someone else takes over those duties, with woman dumpers it's to keep the "friendship" until someone else takes over. The second someone new comes along they tend to drop this stuff pretty quickly. If they don't then that's another issue...

If they truly cared about the other person they would take the path that would help that person heal, which is simply leaving them alone to get through the breakup of the relationship. Put it another way, if you were tryin to give up ciggies and a mate was waving them in your face all the time, especially in the first days, how would you feel?

Wibbs

Tired of it all wrote: »

He never gave me a real reason for breaking up with me, just a load of excuses like "I tried my best to make it work but I don't think I can right now.......maybe in the future though?" & "You are really important to me but I think we need to be alone right now".

Yes the old stanbys, "it's not you, it's me" kinda thing. Translation as often as not could be, "I like you but I may have other options and while I do like you, I don't like you enough* not to want to explore those options. Be a dear and hang on for me while I make up my mind. Sure if I do meet someone then good for me". The "in the future" bit is a get out clause. It saves them from confrontation and keeps the door open should they have second thoughts.

So I don't have a real reason but it could be possible that he is holding the real reason back from me because he doesn't want to hurt me more? I could just be paranoid though, I have had some serious lack of sleep lately and look and feel like hell.

Maybe. I'd say it's as simple as he has itchy feet. Two to three years is a shaky time for a relationship. It's going from the moon in june honeymoon phase to hopefully get to the long term intimacy phase. Very common for problems and breakups to occur at that time. Look around her for long enough and you'll fine that's the time frame in most cases.

We actually meet the weekend after we split, I was with some friends and he texted me and asked where I was, I told him and he dropped in for a chat. He told me that he is going on holiday with his brother and that he has been going out with his work mates alot (he works with 70% women btw), this didn't exactly inspire confedince in me but after he left he text "Do you want to meet up sometime? You look good, I miss you".

Head melt central. Be very wary of a man who doesn't know what he wants emotionally. very bad sign in someone. Men and women break up for myriad reasons and that's cool, but this aftershock stuff is not so good.

The whole situation has me in tears. My sister & best friend told me that he is probably playing mindgames with me and is possibly hedging his bets with some other girl but I don't think he would be that cold, although at this stage I wouldn't put it past him. Maybe that is why I never pushed him for a real answer, would I be better off not knowing? God I must sound so paranoid!

I would listen to your sister tbh. It may not even be a specific woman either, just a yearning for the single life. He does seem to be trying to keep you in play until he tires of that and tries to get back with you, or finds a replacement. If he had someone lined up that he thought was going somewhere I strongly suspect you would not be hearing from him. If he does end up with someone within the next few weeks then the chances are high she was the target all along.

* this is NOT a reflection on your attractiveness. Check out the chappie in another thread who broke up with his girlfriend who he describes as gorgeous and out of his league.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much all for your replies, especially Wibbs, you really do make alot of sense to me in my current state of mind although I have to admit I have tears in my eyes right now reading what you have written because this whole experience has been very tough on me, mainly because I still have strong feelings for him.

I'm still not sure I want to know the truth because the people that are closet to me are telling me the worst and I really cannot except that and if it was true (about another women) that I would not like to know right now but then again maybe it would be better to get closure then to beat my self up over all of this?

I am so sad and confused :-(

melekalikimaka

well i gues the best course of action would to be to tell him how he's making you feel, if he really cares he'll leave you be, if its selfishness, he'll keep badgering you and ya know then his tre motives, guessing doesnt help anyone

ciarj

Great comments here. Wibbs is spot on. Only thing I'd like to make clear is that your ex is likely not committing the crimes described above consciously. He's a confused individual. Don't feel sympathy or anger. If you can ignore him and move on GOOD FOR YOU!

Next time he calls or texts tell him that you do care for him and hope he is well but that "I need some space to adjust and sort out my feelings" and until you have done that you will not be responding to his calls or texts.

Creachadóir

I'm in the same situation. I've asked my ex not to contact me on several occasions but he still does. And he wants to meet up for coffee and all that. He has no intention of getting back together. I wish he would just leave me alone at this stage, and I think you're going to have to ask your ex to leave you alone too. Maybe your one will actually listen!!

Talliesin

It may not be generally considered eloquent, but sometimes "**** off" is a bon mot.

Wibbs

Have to concur with Talliesin, people who say they can't get rid of someone are simply not trying hard enough(unless you're dealing with a swivel eyed stalker).

taz30

this might sound mean but are you sure hes not just looking to keep you as a shag buddy?guys have been known to do that!especially when they need ........space .as long as your still friendly he may think that anytime he isnt getting lucky he can always have you as a fallback!may sound farfetched but it happens unfortunately

srdb20

I agree and disagree, love makes people do stupid and totally irrational things.

After my ex and i broke up (mutual) I was fine for a while then i missed her and missed the things we did, out of habbit and missing the closness I deceided i wanted to get back together because i was afraid of being alone and single after so long and sh!t, but then she decided she didn't which then kicked off the whole because i cant have it i want it response, after a few phone calls and messages, she was saying she loved me but needed time etc, wasn't sure if she felt the same, and this left me sitting in limbo for a couple of weeks, which was torture.

The best advice i have been given is this:
"Why does he/she decide if you are happy?"

I realised that i was being a fuc&in prat, waitign around and hoping and just sent her a mail telling her how i felt (that i loved her and missed her etc) and that I thought no contact would be better, and allow me to get over her.

Its the hardest thing i have ever had to do but i realise that its the only way i can make it through this sh!t without having a breakdown or something.

You really cant let people Fu&k with your head when your in such a fragile state, if your ex is messing you about better to cut contact and try to get over him/her.

Im only recently broken up and its still fresh in my mind, my head is wrecked
sometimes, good days and bad days, ya know.

There are days when i would give anything to ring her and talk liek we used to but i know thats just a moment of weakness and it will pass.

I know i have my mates there and even though it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel "It will get better" and you will be stronger after it.

Kinda went a bit off topic there but i hope you can take some of the stuff i said and get something useful out of it!!!!:)

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all your replies.

This is going to sound really weird but he hasn't text or called me since Sunday but instead of being happy like I should be I am actually feeling more unhappy, I feel as if he has completely given up on me and found somebody else :-(

All of friends are in relationships and my sister is married so I see them with their partners and I feel like I desperately want the closeness of a relationship again as soon as possible. This is obviously the worst thing to do right now but I feel so left out and isolated that it makes me cry everytime I think about my situation. I wish I could fast forward (or even rewind) a year and not have to deal with these horrible emotions.

Sorry for rambling but thanks for reading.........I needed to vent some of frustrations out in the open.

Gross Halfwit

Hi,

I didn't read every post so sorry if this seems out of place or if this issue has already been tackled but if a guy breaks up with a girl for no apparant reason & then continues to text her it means two things.

a) He wants to sleep around ... harsh but true. Sorry.

b) He still fancies you & texts you when he's out or horny cos ... well ... he's horny.

Cut ties & move on, hun.

I got dumped for absolutely no reason 6 months ago ... by text. The relationship was only a few months long but it was going great. I felt like crap cos all my mates were going out with people & I was feeling left out & lonely. But it passes & you're going to come out of this better & stronger. That's real Oprah, right there.

MJOR

taz30 wrote: »

this might sound mean but are you sure hes not just looking to keep you as a shag buddy?guys have been known to do that!especially when they need ........space .as long as your still friendly he may think that anytime he isnt getting lucky he can always have you as a fallback!may sound farfetched but it happens unfortunately

Good point my thoughts exactly.... sorry OP:eek:

LegacyUser

Lads, is a guy ever allowed make a mistake and want to get it all back??

Don't get the whole "tell him to f off" vibe!?

Wibbs

Well there are mistakes and there are mistakes. If a guy makes one, then frankly he should man up and admit it and see if she's still up for speaking to you. If not then equally man up, see his mistake and then leave her be. If he loves her or even cares for her feelings he should leave well alone.

The OP's guy is hanging around, texting and ringing her with vague emotional involvement. That is not good for any relationship.

Talliesin

insameboat wrote: »

Lads, is a guy ever allowed make a mistake and want to get it all back??

Want != entitlement.