Best Friends and Men :)

LegacyUser

Ok so this is a bit of a long story....Met this guy in college, was crazy about his from the start, about a year after we met in college, things started to happen, but never really told him how I felt, so things fizzled out, fast forward onto three years later, we're still good friends, but last Friday my best friend told me her and this guy have been texting each other, and she was effectively asking my permission to go out with him ("to see" if there's anythign there as she said).

Now when I say I'm crazy about this guy I'm not kidding. I know he felt the same about me at one stage but I'm not so sure anymore. He's one of my best friend's, and I'd hate to lose him for any reason. Same goes for my best friend...

Been feeling pretty crap over the weekend since my conversation with her, I did say I wouldn't feel comfortable about it and now I think they are both odd with me. The logical part of me says I can't do anything about if if down the road they did say, start going out with each other...but then I feel really bad as if they did thats what I've always wanted with him...

So basically my question is, whats the best way to handle this without hurting people involved? I plan on talking to the two of them this evening, seperately. I feel that with my best friend, I can be totally honest with her, she knows how I feel about him already, and thats all I can do really. I can't stop anything from happening...

With him, I plan on telling him how I feel about him. I know its totally the wrong time, but the way I look at is at least I won't regret never telling him, and I can say I tried.

Sorry for the long post, any advice welcome....

Captain Ginger

Right well, you're going to have to be careful about this.

If you say anything to your friend she's going to presume you just want something you don't have, aka baby with ball syndrom.

I'd talk to the guy and see where you stand and if anything is there between the two of you, if so then explain to your friend that there has always been something, she should understand.

But if you are really mad about him don't let him slip away.

RedXIV

Your going to hate me for this lass, but you really don't have that much claim over the guy. You had a few years to try and get into a relationship with him and you chose not to.

If he is texting your friend, then he is interested in HER. If you tell him now that you have feelings for him, he may well resent you for telling him at this moment in time.

Your friend has done a very brave thing by asking you first but i'd be pretty confident in saying she's probably expecting you to step aside.

I'm sorry lass, this is my opinion on things, you don't have to take my advice, after all, i'm only a man

Red

LegacyUser

I was expecting that answer

What's the actual likelihood of him hating me if I did tell him now? I'm not really expecting anything out of it, I just need to say it for me (typing that now does make it sound rather selfish....) I would really hate for that to happen, we've had a lot of good times...

RedXIV

personally lass? i wouldn't do it. too many things could go wrong and get confusing.

If his relationship with your friend goes all the way, i realise there will be a hint of regret but you've made two people happy by not interfering and that stands for something.

If the relationship doesn't last, then you've proved your worth as a loyal friend, both of you will have matured and thanks to you stepping aside, if you ask your friend to let you see him, she's obligated to say yes as you did.

I'm trying but i honestly can't think of any good that will come of you saying you like him. your confusing him, your screwing over your friend and you may lose him as a friend also

STUBBORNGIRL

RedXIV wrote: »

Your going to hate me for this lass, but you really don't have that much claim over the guy. You had a few years to try and get into a relationship with him and you chose not to.

If he is texting your friend, then he is interested in HER. If you tell him now that you have feelings for him, he may well resent you for telling him at this moment in time.

Your friend has done a very brave thing by asking you first but i'd be pretty confident in saying she's probably expecting you to step aside.

I'm sorry lass, this is my opinion on things, you don't have to take my advice, after all, i'm only a man

Red

Im really sorry OP i am going to have to agree with Red on this! I heard this lovely saying a while back and it is so apt for this situation,
"if you love something you should set it free and if it is yours it will come back to you. If it doesnt come back it wasnt yours to begin with.. "

A great friend of mine used to say ...Whats for you wont pass you and i think that is so true.

the last thing you want is to lose 2 friends - i think you should grin and bear it, you never know while all this is going on the guy that you are meant to be with could enter your life. (or the guy will realise that it is you that he is meant to be with), whichever way i would let fate be the deciding factor here...(if you believe in fate)!

Life really is odd at the best of times but we have to make do with what we got and go out and enjoy every minute of it without dwelling on what we could have had.

I wish you all the best as unrequited love can be such a kick in the teeth...i know because more often than not this is the situation i find myself in.

ciarj

I couldn't disagree more with the posters above!!

You need to tell this guy how you feel now. To be honest it sounds like it may be unrequited, as otherwise I would expect he would have 'made a move' in that direction over the last few years.

But the posters above are treating this like some casual 'fancying'. If this is really THE person you want to be with above others then I don't care who else likes him you gotta pull out the stops!!

So, I would explain to my friend that "i'm sorry but when you asked me last week ... it really stirred up a lot of feelings and i just have to see if x feels this".

Here's the worst that will happen. He'll tell you he likes you as a friend, and your friend as something more. Finally! You'll get over it to have a normal friendship with this man and your friend is happy.

Here's the best. He responds in kind. You're f*ckin delighted, and your friend will come round and be happy for you too.

RedXIV

ciarj wrote: »

Here's the worst that will happen. He'll tell you he likes you as a friend, and your friend as something more. Finally! You'll get over it to have a normal friendship with this man and your friend is happy.

ummmm thats def not the worst that could happen. trust me

humanji

I really have to disagree with Ciarj and agree with the other posters. OP, as ****ty as it is, and I've been in the same situation, you missed your chance. There is no reason, other than spite, why you should stand between the two of them. It's just not your place to do that.

And if there is something between them, then you not giving your permission isn't going to stop them and it'll make you look petty and damage your relationship with your friends.

As I said, it's a ****ty situation. Just learn from it, and next time don't let these things pass you by.

kittensoft1984

RedXIV wrote: »

Your going to hate me for this lass, but you really don't have that much claim over the guy. You had a few years to try and get into a relationship with him and you chose not to.

If he is texting your friend, then he is interested in HER. If you tell him now that you have feelings for him, he may well resent you for telling him at this moment in time.

Your friend has done a very brave thing by asking you first but i'd be pretty confident in saying she's probably expecting you to step aside.

I'm sorry lass, this is my opinion on things, you don't have to take my advice, after all, i'm only a man

Red

Have to agree with Red on this too.

I know its the most difficult thing in the world to do but you have to.

If you tell him now he may resent the fact that you chose this moment to tell him.

Also and i know this may sound harsh, but if he did like you as more than a friend he wouldnt be chatting up your friend.

Be brave and let them go out. It may turn out that they have nothing in common.

ciarj

we'll have to agree to disagree

I really don't see how this man will be anything other than flattered when you tell him how you feel. And if it turned out he felt the same way then your friend would NOT be a friend if she didn't come to terms and feel happy for you. After all she knows you've liked him FOREVER.

Listen guys, her friend ain't gonna be happy. But if they're BEST friends they'll get past it. So the only question is ... is asking him the question worth the hassle, drama and likely disappointment?

Aurora Borealis

You don't have any rightful hold over this guy. You tried things before and nothing came of it for whatever reasons. If you have had feelings for him ever since then why did you not discuss it with him?! Chances are if he had felt the same it would have come to light over the last three years. It's awful for you, I know but I don't see that you are have any right to say anything.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys, lots of what I was expecting! We are best friends, and she is the kind of girl who would understand, I'm not going to stand in their way if anything happens, it might just hurt a bit, damn you unrequited love....

I think I am going to tell him, I know him well enough to know he will understand, I think at the moment he's wondering why I'd have a problem with it, we talk to each other about everything...

I think both friendships are strong enough to withstand whatever we say to each other, I know that at the end of the day if they got together and stayed together I'd be nothing but happy for two of the best people in my life....

I'll keep you posted!

LegacyUser

So here's my update....


After talking to both of them I made it clear I wasn't happy but there's nothing I could do to stop them....I've since found out that they've been texting each other for two months, and that she (we'll call her Kate) made him (we'll call him John) keep it a secret even though he wanted to tell me straight away, he didn't like lying to me and eventually told Kate that he was going to say it to me the weekend before I posted here, but she said she had to tell me first.

When I talked to Kate she basically was more worried about what other friends of ours thought rather then if it was hurting me...After hearing that she lied to me for a few months and made another friend lie to me I'm really really hurt and have decided that I really don't want to be friends with this girl anymore...This is more a cumulation of events that have happened over the past few years (she tried to cut me out for a while, ignored me for a few months but two other really good friends refused to let that happen), so I've just decided I don't want to be friends with someone who can lie so willingly to my face, several million times....

Two of our closest friends are trying not to take sides as we are all good friends, but to be honest everyone else thinks Kate is being a bit of a b***h about the whole situation.

I'm sorry about a bit of a rant here but I'm still feeling very hurt over the whole situation....