its what i wanted...so what am i sad

LegacyUser

hi,

im 26. I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years 2 weeks ago. It was my doing, i felt like my feelings havent been the same for the last few months. It was a very difficult decision. She fell apart when i told her and it hurt like hell to watch her get so upset and hurt. Since breaking up ive been feeling like i want her back now. but i have many battles going on in my head as to why it is i want to get back with her. You see i was very close to her family and likewise. She is a stunningly good looking girl, i always felt like she was out of my league. Life is abit lonely now.

If i was to beg her to get back with, me what are the reasons, im thinking right now; oh what if i never get another girl like her, its been so long since ive been single im totally lost, im out of my comfort zone, i miss her family, these arent reasons i know. Its so hard. I know i did the right thing as if i dont feel like i lover her and more well then its not fair to string her along...but what arent i happy! this is what i wanted. I suppose i feel like im going to be left on the shelf now...thats lame i know, but its how i feel. as you can tell from structure and mess of this post, my head is all over the place right now.

lolly22

Hey op,

Im sorry to read about your break up.Its definatly a very hard thing to deal with especially with a long term relationship. You did the right thing in breaking up if you say you dont love her in that way and your probably feeling sad because even though you were the one who broke it off, you both spent the last four years together and shared everything.

It will be a shock at first being single but just because you feel lonely i wouldnt advise trying to get back with her. You need to move one go out with your friends and meet new people and just have fun. Its never easy
but you will get through this.

Best of luck;)
Lolly

Aurora Borealis

You shouldn't stay with someone longterm if you don't love them and you shouldn't walk if you do.

Beruthiel

confusement! wrote: »

what if i never get another girl like her, its been so long since ive been single im totally lost, im out of my comfort zone, i miss her family, these arent reasons i know.

As you said, those are not reasons.

but what arent i happy! this is what i wanted.

It makes no difference if you know this was the best decision, that doesn't stop you feeling down about it. What you are feeling is normal. You've spent time with this person, they are no longer there, even if you know it's for the best, that doesn't stop you missing them.
You are going through a period of adjustment, give yourself time. Get out and about, hang out with friends, keep busy and in a few months you will look back happier and wiser.

LegacyUser

this is girl is amazing, honesty, lovely, warm, caring yet i dont think I love her! how is this possible. i wish i could get these feelings back and i have tried and tried but cant. i suppose im more sad because i allowed myself to fall out of love with her and i know she will be snapped up in a heart beat by someone else

Colonel_McCoy

you cant be with somebody if you dont love them, sounds like you are just missing being in a relationship rather than your ex. It will get easier

LegacyUser

Hey man,
Nobody on here has a straight "do or don't" answer to this question. I've been exactly where you are myself so maybe I can drop a little light here and there. Some, none or all of the following may relate to your situation.

First thing is, you're not alone! The developments in your relationship with your ex-girlfriend are not unusual. Happened with me and my girl, my brother and his ex, half a dozen of my close friends and family. I've had plenty of time to think about the dynamic and I've concluded that it's a distinctly modern phenomenon. We've all heard of the 7-year itch, or 5-year itch or whatever itch you're having yourself. With earlier generations in Ireland couples were married (often with kids) by the time they got itchy. Then they had the deeper common bond of parenthood, and financial ties (mortgage etc) to keep them committed.

Nowadays, kids are getting together at 17, 18. They hit 23, 24, 25 and have no intention of 'settling down'. They may still love their partner, but without family and financial ties the world starts looking like a big, fun space. The relationship is becoming fractious. You've been doing the same things for too long. You start to feel 'held back' or 'stifled'. This feeling feeds back on itself and you berate yourself for not appreciating the beautiful, intelligent woman you're with. She deserves someone who can give her more.

Another feature that strikes me about break-ups like these is that they are facilitated by a permissive modern society. I know it's as hugely emotionally distressing today as it was 30 years ago, but I think the understanding of friends, family and (importantly) the other half's family makes it just a little easier. The offending partner is no longer cast as the 'devil'.

My mother has a saying "if a relationship isn't moving forward, it's moving backwards". I don't believe this applies universally, but it's certainly relevant here. I love this woman. But I'm not ready to get married. I'm not ready to buy a house. I'm not ready to have children. Meanwhile we're sitting here getting sour with each other.

I had been going with a girl for 5 years when we split 2 years ago. I felt all of this and more. We split and left the apartment we shared. I moved in with some single friends and had a great time, meeting and greeting, drinking, spending my own time exactly as I wanted it to be spent. I went on dates, with no intention of developing a relationship. All I wanted was flirting and fun.

I kept in touch with my ex. Email and the odd 'how are you' lunch. I didn't miss her much as I was having great craic. Funny how these lunches worked. Often I would seek a meeting if I was low and each time I would come away feeling lifted. Her experience was the mirror. She went along with the break up. Made it 'easy' for me. Understood everything and didn't cultivate any bitterness. She confided that unlike me she missed being in a relationship, and asked my 'permission' before starting to date a work colleague.I got a kick up the arse when it looked like this relationship was getting serious and, after 9 months of being on my own, I realised I wanted her back. Much talking, coffee-drinking and reconnecting later and we were back on track.

While we were apart I didn't believe we were necessarily going to get back together. I think if she had moved on that I would have dealt with it and started again. Having said that, the moment she looked to move on I realised I couldn't let it happen. Happily circumstances were right for us to get back together. I returned to the relationship with my curiosity of the outside world satisfied, and sure that I could experience and achieve everything I wanted to within the context of our relationship.

So that's my story. My brother had a completely different experience. He and his ex got back together after 3 months apart and imploded damagingly 6 months later. Meanwhile my sis and her ex separated for 6 months and are now married with children. A friend went through the exact same thing as me and now shares a mortgage and engagement ring with the girl. Another acquaintance has moved on and is glad to have seen the back of his old 4-year relationship. A good friend has recently confided his terribly itchy feet, despite his love for his partner.

You're doing well. Talk to people! That's the key. Not looking for answers, direction to action or anything like that. Just letting loose the confused thoughts and pain. It's clear you really respect and admire this girl. But I believe you did the right thing by taking a step back when you did. And I'd caution that the best thing for now is to stay 1-step back, aware of your own turbulent emotions, but not subject to your fleeting jealousy, rage, loneliness, despair, longing. Returning to that relationship before you're sure, before you can see a path and way forward that the two of you can walk together is a 1st class ticket to nowhere (thanks Ferris).

As far as the girl goes, and any guilt you feel in that regard I'll say one thing. If she's worthy of the respect you clearly have for her she's well able to look after herself. I wouldn't listen to folks who tell you to avoid her altogether. You will know how much/little communication you can cope well with. However, try not to lead her on. And if you take one thing from this post PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T SLEEP WITH HER, unless you know you want to get back with her. Hell for her, hell for you.

I know couples who've been 'separated' for 4 years and still look destined to end up together. I know others who moved on after 6 months. Either way, I'm there with you mate. Keep talking, beat the guilt, keep thinking, ENJOY yourself, stay strong!

LegacyUser

CV, fantastic post. was nice to hear it from someone who was there. I'll take something from that. im trying not to think about us getting back to together at some stage but just throwing caution to the wind and see where i end up. In the last two weeks, ive gone alittle inside myself. Havent told friends, locked myself away at home, pretty much become the opposite to what i use to be.

I suppose its only now i realise how entangled in my life my girlfreind and her family was. I feel like ive disrespected them all as i was pretty much seen as the future son in law, brother in law...etc etc. i suppose a deep breath and some plans for the weekend is whats needed now. your right though we were facing the "is it time to move in together issue" and i guess i thought to myself if the answer isnt obvious in my head well then something aint right. As Beruthiel rightly said im facing a period of massive readjustment with i guess many people are going through right now. Im was never a risk taker and this is the biggest i ever took.

LegacyUser

Excellent post cv

akamossy

Breaking up with someone is always hard and you're allowed to be sad. But if you don't love her i don't think you should be thinking about going back to her just for the sake of it. It would be kinder to her and you in the long run to just let her move on and for you to do the same. You can't force yourself to love someone and it wouldn't be fair on her to pretend to love her.

DenMan

Hey man. You really should have thought all of this through before you broke up with her. You did say you were close to her family and enjoyed the ir company etc. You did realize it would be very difficult to maintain that relationship with them if you break up with their daughter. You are right though, you were in a comfort zone for the past 4 years and now you have stepped outside that.

There really isn't anything you can do now. If she was out of your leagu as you said she made you feel good. I wonder what this has done to her self confidence. You made the decision to leave her and you can't very well ask her to come back when you yourself ended the relationship. Thats second guessing yourself. You must have had a reason. Sorry dude, I only have one word for you, Regret. You just have to move on and find someone new. She may very well do the same depending on her state of mind right now.

LegacyUser

your right i do regret one thing, which is allowing myself to fall out of love. She is too good a person to string along and i had to say it to her. She will be fine i know she will, she is a head turner so i have no doubt she will find someone soon.

CathyMoran

Very good post CV - am another one of those couples that broke up and got back together - now happily married. I know how hard it is being single after all that time but if you still do not love her then you should not be with her, it is natural to miss her and all the benefits but you have to move forward not backwards (even if it is eventually to be together).

Overheal

Maybe it means theres someone else out there for her. You just know that person isn't you. Its natural to have doubts about that and obviously you'll be a lonely for a while while you carry on with life without her but recall, that you consciously made that commitment to move on while you still had her, so to speak.