Boyfriend fancies another woman...Oops!

Lenina_Huxley

A similar post here got me thinking about starting my own. Nothing too heavy, just a "what would you do" type of question. Let me explain what happened first.

My boyfriend (of 4 years) was trying to call me but for whatever reason the call didn't go through and I got a message saying I had voicemail. So I listened to it and I heard quite muffled sounds, my boyfriend saying something like "She's not there" I can't remember exactly what he said but I quickly figured out what had happened. He hadn't hung up the phone properly and was accidentally leaving me a voice message.

Well, I did a naughty thing and I decided to keep listening. I shouldn't have, I know, it was a private conversation and none of my business but don't worry, I get punished. If you agree with what they say about curiousity and cats...

He was talking to his friend and for a couple of minutes it was all very innocent, "how's your ma?" and all that but then I heard my boyfriends voice telling his friend about this woman we had recently met. We had been for a weekend away and she was a receptionist at the hotel we stayed at.

I'm sure you've guessed the gist of what I heard from reading the title of the thread. I can't even really tell you what was said because it was more grunts and groans than actual words. So more like

"Oh, she was mmmmmmm."
"Yeah?"
"Aw, I'd love to shâg her."
"Uh!"

Oops. Maybe make sure you've hung up the phone properly before having that conversation next time dear! I don't really want to hear that. I didn't think she was all that with a bag of chips anyway. (Maybe I'm not objective enough though!;))

So my question is, how much would this bother you? Guys and gals. If you heard your partner have this type of conversation and you accidentally overheard? How different would it be if it was someone that you would be seeing again, instead of just a once-off encounter?

RedXIV

ok, sorry to burst your bubble lass, but guys will talk about loving to bang other girls even in relationships.

chances of me and my mates talking about girls we'd love to bed = 100%

chances of me and my mates actually cheating = 0%

I know this may sound a bit horrible, especially when you think that you two are 100% committed to someone but surely you've said to a female friend at some stage that you saw an absolutely goregeous guy the other day?

Thumpette

It would bother me waaaay more than it seems to bother you! In saying that though it does make a huge difference that it's not someone he will be in contact with again.

I reckon you just got a bit of a nasty insight into male bravado world- sure he probably wasnt that interested himself- just trying to act the big man.

As for being bold to have listened to the message- I reckon most people woulda done that! (or maybe thats just me!)

Lenina_Huxley

Yeah, I don't think RedXIV really understood what I was saying. I'm not saying at all at all that it bothered me, this happened ages ago, I was just wondering how much something like that would bother people. In general.

I get the impression that it would bother a girl more than it would a guy. But that's from reading the other thread and I know that was a different scenario because it involved a friend, rather than a stranger.

Well guys, gals, what do you think?

RealEstateKing

I reckon you just got a bit of a nasty insight into male bravado world- sure he probably wasnt that interested himself- just trying to act the big man.

As for being bold to have listened to the message- I reckon most people woulda done that! (or maybe thats just me!)

So it's OK to listen in on somebody else's private conversation, but not OK to compare the attractivness of other people?

Heterosexual guys spend their whole lives comparing and contrasting female beauty, both out loud and in their heads: It is one of the major occupations of our minds: You cant expect it to just stop when we're in a relationship.

Obviously, out of coutesy , most guys dont do it in front of their girlfriend (hence the private conversation), but we still continue to do it in front of each other.

Of course if you overhear it, it'll piss you off - and actually I think guys would be just as insecure if they heard their GFs taking about hot guys.

But lets not pretend it doesnt happen. I love my GF, and think she's beautiful, but that dont mean I dont fancy the ass off that Polish chick in the Spar!

Lenina_Huxley

Hmm, very odd. I didn't expect this at all.

While I have only recieved one actual answer, which was "Yeah, it'd bother me a bit." I have also recieved two needlessly emotive answers from people beating me with the wrong end of the stick that they've picked up.

Why are you guys so charged on this subject? So unequivocally defensive? What is that about? is there a deeper issue here, one which I shall leave nameless for now, so as not to invoke an echo of my own thoughts?

I've hit on something even more interesting now. Thank you for your answers, and for the can of worms.

RealEstateKing

If my answer read as a "can of worms" you must not be reading it correctly!

Its simply an answer to the question. If you want it in more straightforward form:

Would it bother me if my GF was checking out other guys?

Yeah, of course it would.

Do I think she does check out other guys?

Of course she does, she just doesnt do it in front of me.

Do I check out other girls?

Of course I do.

Do I do it in front of her?

No.

all the stars

Hi,

have to say, as a gurl - no it wouldn't bother me really.. i like looking at other lads also, its quite healty to appreciate about others who are attractive.

Have also been the one to say to my man, "she looks fab/ gorgeous" not a big deal - im confident enough in myself & our relationship to not really be bothered by that kinda chit-chat.

ntlbell

Lenina_Huxley wrote: »

Hmm, very odd. I didn't expect this at all.

While I have only recieved one actual answer, which was "Yeah, it'd bother me a bit." I have also recieved two needlessly emotive answers from people beating me with the wrong end of the stick that they've picked up.

Why are you guys so charged on this subject? So unequivocally defensive? What is that about? is there a deeper issue here, one which I shall leave nameless for now, so as not to invoke an echo of my own thoughts?

I've hit on something even more interesting now. Thank you for your answers, and for the can of worms.

This happens a lot, someone posts where they think they're perfectally right to do so, get a load of response's they're not "happy" with because it's not really what they want to hear.

I'm going to say most men *I* know we discuss things like this all the time, it doesn't meant we want to leave our partners are spend the rest of our lives having sex with our current partner fantasising about some receptionist we saw on holidays.

You all ready knew you shouldn't of been listening in on someone elses private conversations so I'm suprised that your suprised that people are picking up on it.

Stop listening to people calls

Men will "fancie" and fantasy sleeping about someone else as much as women will.

there's nothing else to it really.

Lenina_Huxley

Thank you for your response, that was the original point of my post. But now I have somethng far deeper to ponder. Not issues of attraction but responses to this subject. As I said, I didn't expect it.

And, I shouldn't admit this but, I would have expected a more emotive response from the ladies than the gentlemen. I was ashamed of my sexist attitude before but now I'm embarrassed by it as it turned out to be far from the truth.

I'm also, and have always been, unashamedly fascinated by people's ceaseless ability to pick up the wrong end of the proverbial stick from the written word, be it via the Internet or a text message. The written word has been around for an exceedingly long time. Has it always been this way? Was "Moby Dick" actually a study into mathematics but over time, more and more people misinterperated the authors intent?

I know from using the Internet that it is regularly an exercise in futility to defend yourself and remind people that you were not looking for advice in the first place so I shall not go down the route of asking people to pay closer attention to anything. People will pay as much or as little attention to things as they desire. People as a species have quite a short attention span. Perhaps this feeds in to my original point.

In any case, I'm now more interested in two topics. 1) Why my original question caused such passion and
2) The written word causing so much confusion and inaccuracy.

Please, feel free to respond to any of these three issues, I will devour your points with vigour.

RedXIV

Lenina_Huxley wrote: »

Hmm, very odd. I didn't expect this at all.

While I have only recieved one actual answer, which was "Yeah, it'd bother me a bit." I have also recieved two needlessly emotive answers from people beating me with the wrong end of the stick that they've picked up.

Why are you guys so charged on this subject? So unequivocally defensive? What is that about? is there a deeper issue here, one which I shall leave nameless for now, so as not to invoke an echo of my own thoughts?

I've hit on something even more interesting now. Thank you for your answers, and for the can of worms.

If youre just looking for opinions, then this isn't really a PI is it?

Thats probably why you have people getting confused.

RealEstateKing

Thank you for your response, that was the original point of my post. But now I have somethng far deeper to ponder. Not issues of attraction but responses to this subject. As I said, I didn't expect it.

And, I shouldn't admit this but, I would have expected a more emotive response from the ladies than the gentlemen. I was ashamed of my sexist attitude before but now I'm embarrassed by it as it turned out to be far from the truth.

Sorry, are you reading the same thread as the rest of us? And what is it that you know have to ponder?

Chinafoot

RealEstateKing wrote: »

So it's OK to listen in on somebody else's private conversation, but not OK to compare the attractivness of other people?

You mean the private conversation that was recorded on her voicemail? Yeah, how dare she listen to her own messages? He should have been less careless. You make it sound like she was standing outside his bedroom door while he chatted with his friends.

OP, wouldn't bother me at all tbh. Like another poster said, it was male bravado and means very little.

helimachoptor

Honestly every guy would bang most of their GFs friend is they were single and the opportunity came up and I've told my girlfriend so, but i have restraint so i behave myself!

herya

Could be another issue here - a guy fantasizing *in his head* about any girl he sees is only natural I guess, I don't think any sane gf should think about it twice.

But I can see how it could be hurtful to said gf if he was constantly discussing shag fantasies with his mates. Here it's only once and not overdone but if for somebody it was a habit I could see how a gf could be embarrassed in front of his friends. The intention may be to have a private chat with his mate(s) but the word does come out and for a guy to excessively fantasize about other gals could be kind of disrespectful towards his gf.

Again - this is not the situation here from what we know. Plus if the situation I describe was to take place it would probably indicate other problems in the relationship anyway!

WEST

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Sorry, are you reading the same thread as the rest of us? And what is it that you know have to ponder?

Totally agree, this thread is just plain weird.

LegacyUser

would it bother me - no.

If he was talking about your friend or an ex thats a different story but all he did was comment about a hot hotel receptionist! Its what I would call a comment without intention. he probably didnt say it in front of you out of fear about how you would react? You seem kinda uptight about this sort of thing but its normal for guys.

My guy often points out hot women. I often agree with him (nicole sherzinger I soooo would!). In fact id be worried if he didnt turn his head to look as a hot girl walked by. Now if he did anything more than look he would be in trouble and he knows this! similarly he doesnt mind me commenting on a hot guy without intention.

Te fact that he can appreciate a good looking woman doesnt mean that he thinks less of me. id like to think he loves me for more than my looks!!

Wibbs

Lenina_Huxley wrote: »

Yeah, I don't think RedXIV really understood what I was saying. I'm not saying at all at all that it bothered me, this happened ages ago, I was just wondering how much something like that would bother people. In general.

I get the impression that it would bother a girl more than it would a guy. But that's from reading the other thread and I know that was a different scenario because it involved a friend, rather than a stranger.

Well guys, gals, what do you think?

Mod hat on.Well what I think is that this seems not really to be a personal issue for you. You're looking for opinions from others about something that has happened to you and you dealt with it in your own way. If it's not looking for opinions along the lines of "should I have acted differently", then it's not a personal issue per se it's a glorified poll and should be taken to humanities or a forum like that. If you have another angle to bring to this that does refer to a personal issue for you then let me know. Otherwise I'm inclined to lock the thread Mod hat off.

K_P

I'm a bit unsure of what to post as the OP seems to have misunderstood a lot of replies (deliberately or not) who were giving quite straightforward answers.

I'm not going to beat you up for listening to the conversation. I'd have done the exact same. It's not particularly nice to hear your bf talking about another girl he fancies, but it happens and as other people have said, probably amounts to little more than boasting and bravado. Nothing to worry about in my opinion.

If you want to talk about the inconsistency of the written word. You can devour such stuff with vigour, vinegar or whatever else you fancy, but you're unlikely to find any answers here.

Thumpette

This post has gone crazy- I'm loving it.

I think the OP is reading between too many lines where there isnt really anything to read.

Tar.Aldarion

Uh I don't see the issue. It seems you found out your boyfriend was a guy. :-)

Talliesin

Lenina_Huxley wrote: »

So my question is, how much would this bother you? Guys and gals. If you heard your partner have this type of conversation and you accidentally overheard? How different would it be if it was someone that you would be seeing again, instead of just a once-off encounter?

I don't need to over-hear them. My gf tells me she fancies people all the time.

Meh. Why care?

Tar.Aldarion

I agree there, I also tell the missus all the time and joke pretend to be upset when she does it. Nothing wrong with finding people attractive. Best be honest about it.

Lollipops23

this probably wouldn't bother me. my own OH half grunts a lot whenever he sees that cheerleader off Heroes...!
I suspect that he was playing it up for the benefit of his mate-make himself sound more Jack the Lad than he is!!
It would be more of an issue if it was a friend or work colleague or something...

Reku

I'm afraid anyone who has a problem with their OH fancying other people needs to take their head out of the sand; your OH is human, they will fancy other people, but *gasp, shock, horror* they can fancy more than one person at a time. In other words just because they fancy some famous movie star, someone in work, down the street, a common friend, etc... does not in any way mean that they stop fancying, and more importantly loving, you. If you've a problem with this what you are in fact saying is that you do not trust your partner, in which case the issue is with the relationship, not that they fancy other people.