School friend died 2 years ago .. just found out ..

LegacyUser

Hi
Well title pretty much says it all .. a good school friend of mine (7-16 years of age)
1st class to roughly 5th year .. after that we drifted apart .. as guys normally do ..

I moved from my old dublin home, and a few years ago I moved abroad, I hadn't even seen
him in about 10 years .. and that was just on the street ...

He had heart problems so sometimes i would wonder if he was okay, then last night
my mother called me, she had heard from someone that he had died 2 years ago .. and
it just hit me so hard .. I was really taken aback .. I never thought it would effect me so much .. we haven't spoken in more then 10 years...

I hope his parents/family don't think I just wasn't bothered going to the funeral ..
I just didn't know .. so i was thinking of writing his mother a letter ?
should I ?

or could that bring painfull memories up for her ?

im not sure .. It feels strange for me ..

Ainekav

i think the mother would appreciate the letter

MagicMarker

Ainekav wrote: »

i think the mother would appreciate the letter

er... why?

His mother is probably learning to move on with her life, a letter is too personal for someone who hasn't seen her son in ten years.

OP, i think you need to grieve, if and when you ever see your friends mother again, give your condolenses in person.

DenMan

That is a very sensitive issue. His parents would be very thankful to receive a letter from you. Knowing that a friend of his took the time to console them after the death of their son. Losing a child must be the hardest thing a parent has to go through during the course of their lives. It would be very appreciated knowing their son had a good friend who took the time to write to them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sending a note to your friends Mum.
Theres no such thing as moving on when someone close dies...not in the sense of forgetting them anyhow.

I'd say she will appreciate it.

kowloon

I was in a similar situation a good few years back, found out that an old school friend had killed himself. Couldn't help but feel that had I been around and not lost contact maybe, no matter how unlikely it might have been, he wouldn't have been so rash, but while it was fresh in my mind when I found out everyone else had to deal with the news several years previous.

I think it may be a bit late in the day to bring things back to the surface.

girl2

I think that you writing a letter would be a very nice thing to do. It will let the mother know that it was not a case of where you simply did not bother and it will probably also do you good emotionally.

Im very sorry about your loss, someone who was in a big part of your childhood is now gone and Im so sorry that you have to deal with this.

allabouteve

MagicMarker wrote: »

er... why?

His mother is probably learning to move on with her life, a letter is too personal for someone who hasn't seen her son in ten years.

OP, i think you need to grieve, if and when you ever see your friends mother again, give your condolenses in person.

His mother in all likelyhood would really appreciate a letter. Parents like to know that they're not the only ones to whom their children mattered, or that they are the only ones still thinking of them..As for bringing up sad memories, I truly doubt that her son has ever been out of her thoughts for more than a few minutes since his death.

LegacyUser

Definitely send a letter, from personal experience I know that it will always be appreciated. It is always comforting to know that someone else is thinking of your loved one, and as for "digging up painful memories" - well his family will never forget him and it's a wonderful thing to share happy memories.

You might find that making this gesture is healing for you too as it might lend a sense of reality to the situation. Without a funeral etc. these things can seem a bit "unreal".

Deadevil129

2 years is not a long time when somebody that close to you dies. A short note sending your condolances (and maybe a breif explanation that you only heard about it now) would be appreciated by most people.

Rosita

MagicMarker wrote: »

er... why?

His mother is probably learning to move on with her life, a letter is too personal for someone who hasn't seen her son in ten years.

OP, i think you need to grieve, if and when you ever see your friends mother again, give your condolenses in person.

People in such a situation appreciate any genuine expression of sympathy.

Waiting until he bumps into the mother before saying something makes it look as if he is simply passing himself in a social situation rather then genuinely expressing sympathy. It also raises the question of how long does it remain appropriate as a first response when he meets her - would it be okay in two years' time? Or four years' time if he hadn't met her before that?

For someone to take a bit of time out to pen a letter that they needn't have bothered doing is incomparable as a gesture. It also is something that not many people would have the confidence or wherewithal to do. But it is all the better for that.

Hooly22

I agree with everyone else.
She may be trying to get over the death, but she won't be trying to forget him.

Send the letter:)

paperclip2

Please write the letter. My brother was killed in an accident a year and a half ago and even now when we get a letter or card from someone who knew him it means so much to us.
Its not as if your friends mother has forgotten about her son. His loss is with her every day so you won't be bringing up painful memories. In my situation I think its comforting to know that my brother is remembered by people outside of the immediate family. As time goes on it can feel like family are the only ones who remember the person who is gone and that can make the loss a bit harder to bear. Send the letter OP

im...LOST

Definately send a letter. It's a really nice and thoughtful gesture which I'm sure will be appreciated by his family.

Dizzyblonde

Definitely write to his mother - she'll be comforted by the fact that her son isn't forgotten.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone .. I will be sending that card soon ...

It does feel really strange .. like its unreal for me .. as i missed the funeral etc..

but i think its important that i send this most importantly for the family .. and for myself..

Thanks all ...

JemimaPD

OP - I know where ur coming from, A friend of mine was in a very similar situation. So they wrote a letter to the parents and sister and got a reply from them within a week, They were very grateful for the letter and gave details on where their son was buried so that my friend cud visit if wanted.

Your friends family will be thankful and some-what uplifted (if u want to use that) that u made some contact even if its two or ten years later. At least you expressed your sympathies

Best of luck.

princess-lala

I think the letter is a great idea, my x died 3 months ago (we were only finished 4 weeks when he died) and myself and a friend of mine made an album for him mam with loads of photos we had that she had never seen and we also put some memories people had of him in and she loved it!

For her to think that people were still thinking about him really helped her.

Your friends mother would probably love to hear from you!!

ebbnflow

just want to add, if it be the case that anyone finds themselves in this situtation in the future, definitely i think the best thing to do is send the letter, a friend of mine died a couple of years ago, and he really was such a special person, but he was a very shy person, and tended to compartmentalise, meaning he had friends here and there, but people unkown to his family and myself for example.. i know that there were times after when someone would send a card and it was always very much appreciated especially by his mother and she would have been the most deeply affected member of the family, in an obvious sense, if you will.. people's lives should be remembered when they're gone, i don't think we should ever be afraid to make it known that somebody's life touched our own in a significant way.

missmatty

Definitely send the letter. My brother died when he was 15 and my mother always really appreciated hearing from his friends, even years later.

LegacyUser

It's strange , 1st I felt sad ,, now im feeling sad & guilty that i never kept in touch..
I mean i have lots of old friends from school that i don't contact ..
they are alive and well and i have no intentions of contacting them ..

I find myself these last few days constantly thinking about him, and the
days in school when we used to hang out .. the good ole days...

I need to write that letter ...