I need opinions ...

chaotic dream

Hi,
ok so to the point, I do quite a lot of writing but I've never taken it too seriously, most stuff I write would just be for school or something. Now the thing is my parents and a friend or two have suggested going further and maybe trying to write a full book instead of just short stories. The only problem is i'm not sure if they're just saying that to keep me happy or whatever.

So here's a short(-ish) story I wrote recently for a school competition, I'd like people opinions on it and on my style of writing if its not too much trouble. I put a link to it because its a bit long to be posted on a thread, at least i thought it would be. Oh and yes although it's under a different user name it is mine, it's just a very old account.

http://www.quizilla.com/stories/7190728/searching

Gross Halfwit

.... I read your story ... It's not bad ... not great but not bad.

The writing style is fine except you seem to switch from an objective to subjective point of view towards the end (I'll explain that in a sec). It's just the story is the problem. It starts off fine but then goes to hell a little bit. Is Jun the killer or not? From the dream we see that he isn't the killer. He's just on the run so he's been set up. So is he searching for the killer or is Ryuu the searcher?

Ryuu seems to be a bit of a classic bastard but is given a moral compass at the end of the story. This is where the subjective switch happens. You start to refer to Jun as the criminal ... so it's like you are calling him that which assigns blame. Which negates the dream meaning & probably the characters innocence

It was just confusing you know. Give them a back story & a definite plot & you might have something. I wouldnt write a book just yet but then again what do I know! Flesh this story out & stay on track with the plot & your ojective point of view.

And he is on the run for a few years but he's dropping gold like they're grains of sand!? Unlikely. And he bought the horse? He should have stolen it.

Your language is very flowery ... sometimes too flowery.

Am I being overly critical? I hope not.

I take it you read a lot of Manga books/comics? How old are you by the way?

JumpJump

You really need to work on your use of language. Stop using so much useless description and redundant wordage. Despite what you may believe, it's not good writing. One sentence, with the right words, can do the work of 500 overwritten ones. I think it was Mark Twain who remarked at the end of a letter: "I would have written a shorter letter, but I didn't have enough time."

Less is more. Cut cut cut cut cut. Cut half of what you're writing and you'll strip it to the bare, potent skeleton. Maybe not so extreme, but really...stop using so many useless words when they are in no way needed.

I couldn't get past the first few paragraphs. Here's an example of what I would suggest:

PARA 1: The stars were shining brightly in the sky. The moon was half way through its arch across the heavens when a black Arabian stallion cantered into view. Slowing to a walk the horse stretched its long neck and nudged its rider’s leg with its head. The man looked up, suddenly alert, his piercing blue eyes surveying the area in an effort to find what his horse had noticed. An ominous silence settled on the plain disturbed only by the soft sound of the horse’s hooves hitting the grass. The rider slowed his horse to a stop and, swinging his right leg over the front of the saddle, dismounted. Landing lightly he slowly pushed back the hood of his cloak. The wind picked up, throwing his black hair across his face and causing his cloak to swirl in a frenzy around him. Jun looked towards his horse, which stood silently looking into the distance. A small smile graced his face. The sudden movement would have spooked another horse but Arabian’s were known for their intelligence, and this rare black stallion which had cost a small fortune, did not disappoint. The smile fell from Jun’s face as he remembered the auction when he’d bought the horse. The memory seized him and enveloped him in its deathly embrace.

*Phew* Ok...more than half of the words in this para are redundant. Look at this:

PARA 1: The moon was half way through its arch when a black stallion cantered into view, slowing to a walk. The man looked up, alert, surveying the area to find what his horse had noticed. A silence, disturbed only by the sound of hooves hitting grass. The rider slowed his horse, dismounted and pushed back the hood of his cloak. The wind picked up. Jun looked towards his horse, standing silent. A small smile graced his face. The sudden movement would have spooked another horse, but Arabians were known for their intelligence. The smile fell from Jun’s face as he remembered when he’d bought the horse. The memory seized him.

I've used your words, all I've done is cut to the stuff that matters. Notice the improved pace, the immediacy.

I'd recommend you write a whole lot of shorts before trying a novel. Write one every week. Like Ray Bradbury says, you can waste one year writing a terrible novel, but it's difficult to write 52 terrible short stories.

chaotic dream

Firstly, thanks for the replies, it's nice to get constructive criticism

@ Gross Halfwit
I get what you mean about the subjective/objective switch. I noticed it when i re-read the story after i wrote it but didn't have time to change it cause it was due that day and I never went back to fix it afterwards.
Now I know I didnt explain this in the story (it was miles too long as it was) but it was supposed to be along these lines. Jun was a nobleman, rich and respected and all that jazz. His wife was only murdered recently maybe a month or two ago. About the whole money/horse thing, he bought the horse when he was still respected and living his life so there was no need to steal it, and he had barely any regard for the money because he was going to the town to kill himself anyways. Ryuu was sent out to find the killer who was mistakenly thought to be Jun.... i know i didnt explain it too well.
ok so cut down on the flowerly language, no probs.
Oh no worries, your not being too critical thats the reason I posted it, most people I know wont criticise what I show them, constructively or otherwise. So its refreshing to get real opinions.
lol yeah I read a bit of manga, not loads but i was listenin to Japanese music at the time so a lot of the names and stuff came from that.
And i'm 16, so i've lots of time to improve my writting style

@ JumpJump
I see what you mean and I agree, too many useless words. Unfortunately I got into a habit when writting to add in as many big words as possible cause most English teachers i know are easily impressed by that. But I know, no excuses lol.
Good advice about the short stories too. I think i'll go try that, thanks

DublinWriter

Good attempt. You're keeping your sentences tight and punchy and not committing any major punctuational sins.

However...lay off the clichèd similes and adjectives, they only serve to make a style look amateurish and leaden.

You might want to try a reductive-approach where you write your initial draft, review it taking out what you feel to be unnecessary descriptive elements, then repeat over again until you feel you've reduced the text to the bare minimum necessary. In cooking terms it's a bit like making good stock by constantly reducing it!

davyjose

DublinWriter wrote: »

Good attempt. You're keeping your sentences tight and punchy and not committing any major punctuational sins.

However...lay off the clichèd similes and adjectives, they only serve to make a style look amateurish and leaden.

You might want to try a reductive-approach where you write your initial draft, review it taking out what you feel to be unnecessary descriptive elements, then repeat over again until you feel you've reduced the text to the bare minimum necessary. In cooking terms it's a bit like making good stock by constantly reducing it!

:pac: