Girlfriend misses ex.

LegacyUser

Regular poster but unreg for this one.

My girlfriend misses her ex. They broke up last year but I'm sure they are still in contact with each other. I don't mean they are friendly, I mean that they say that they are missing each other with texts, phone calls and email. For all I know they are meeting each other when I'm not around. I didn't mean to look but one day after using my computer her email was left open accidentally and i spotted them.

I think that it's not him she is missing but the friends she made through him, but she identifies him as the reason she was happy (if that makes sense).

I would usually walk away but I think she is worth the effort of trying to work it out.

Do I talk to her or just leave it and hope she forgets about him?

jellie

to be honest my instincts would say get out of it. it doesnt sound like shes over him, & i dont see how she can fully commit to you if thats the case.

are you happy being second best?

Tragedy

She cant be in a relationship with you while she still wishes she were in one with her ex. And that's unlikely to change while you stay with her.

kryogen

Stick on the Will Young song "leave right now" and then do so!

she should be given time alone to decide what her feelings are.

just tell her you want to break contact for a while, tell her to consider everything, there will be no pressure from you (and stick to that) and to let you know what her decision is when she is ready

this in no way means you should put your life on hold however, get out there and keep yourself occupied doing things and socialising, meeting new people, you will go crazy otherwise thinking about it

keep busy, let her decide what she wants, you should also decide what you want, maybe you will end up together, maybe you wont, the world wont end if its the latter and you will meet someone new in time anyway

she probably just needs to get some perspective

gogglebok

Talk to her. Relationships are complex. Just because she misses him doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

It sounds at the moment as if your communication consists of leaving emails open on the computer and/or going through each other's files. Give her an atmosphere where she can be honest, without accusations or recriminations, and find out exactly how she feels. If the result is too difficult to live with, at least you know. If you find a way to accommodate each other, the relationship will be all the stronger.

It's a big thing to love someone, and it's a hard thing to get over.

I think people on boards are too quick to recommend a break-up. Try to work things out first. The worst that can happen is you'll split up - which is the best that can happen if you walk away. What do you have to lose?

Good luck.

MIN2511

gogglebok wrote: »

Talk to her. Relationships are complex. Just because she misses him doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Very true, but i think love is a powerful word while she might not love the OP yet she may care for him

gogglebok wrote: »

It sounds at the moment as if your communication consists of leaving emails open on the computer and/or going through each other's files. Give her an atmosphere where she can be honest, without accusations or recriminations, and find out exactly how she feels. If the result is too difficult to live with, at least you know. If you find a way to accommodate each other, the relationship will be all the stronger.

Very true

gogglebok wrote: »

It's a big thing to love someone, and it's a hard thing to get over.

It all depends on what the GF wants, some people move on quickly and others don't. Sounds like OP's GF misses more the friends she made while she was dating the EX more tbh

gogglebok wrote: »

I think people on boards are too quick to recommend a break-up. Try to work things out first. The worst that can happen is you'll split up - which is the best that can happen if you walk away. What do you have to lose?
Good luck.

Very true......... We are quick to judge and form conclusions, what we shouldn't forget as we are not all the same while it might be easier for us give our 'advice' it's hard to carry them out.

Tragedy

No-one told him to break up, I'd say sit her down, have a chat and then have no contact for a week.

MIN2511

Tragedy wrote: »

No-one told him to break up, I'd say sit her down, have a chat and then have no contact for a week.

Really is it that easy to have a chat with someone and then no contact for a week????????

Abi

third wheel. wrote: »

Do I talk to her or just leave it and hope she forgets about him?

I dont think it should be left unaddressed. Because whatever action you take will change things one way or the other, but being left in tandem is doing nothing to help you.


If it were me, I'd tell her we need a trial break. She might be shocked by this; but it will give you the opportunity to tell her you believe she is still into her ex, and you arent willing to share her with anyone. Normally I wouldnt say this, because everyone is entitled to speak to their ex whenever they want, so long as the feelings are gone. But, she seems to miss the old scene she had while she was with him, and - in my eyes, could lead to mistakes.

By telling her you want a break, you will get to find out what path your relationship is going to take and whether she can commit to you or not. You may get her full attention from now on, or you could lose her. Or you could say nothing at all and be left wondering and maybe something does happen behind your back.


She might have gotten together with you a little bit too soon after her other relationship. When you do that, you dont allow a proper 'disconnection' and are almost trying to fill a void. But she and the ex split up because something didnt work. Its time for a wake-up call I think.

Moojuice

How long were they together for? Do they work together or are they in a situation where they will see each other regularly? (Parties, group of mutual friends etc)
It all depends on circumstance as to what you should do. However, I dont think you should be with her when she still obviously has feelings for her EX. Might be a rebound thing.

lee_arama

If she's being so insensitive within your relationship then you need to get out and get out now.

Make sure she knows that she's the fault for the breakup too. Don't blame yourself in this one.

MagicMarker

Did she actually say she misses him? Your post doesn't say so...

They been apart for a while, it's possible they are now just friends.

I get the impression that she isn't aware that you saw the emails. If so, i would ask her in a casual manner if she still talks to her ex, if she says no, i'd be worried, if she says yes then you may be overthinking this a little.

LegacyUser

Yes she said the words 'I miss you'.

No she doesn't know I know. But she has a lot going on at the moment and I didn't want to put a strain on her.

Thanks everyone for replying. I'll talk to her soon.

chuci

step back for two or three weeks and tell her you wont contact her or be in her way. Just let her know you are not happy with being 2nd best. tell her you just need to know how she feels about you and if she is over her ex. falling in love is easy its staying in love is the hard part. Just give her time to get her act and thoughts together so she can be fair to you, your relationship and herself too.

Moojuice

third wheel wrote: »

Yes she said the words 'I miss you'.

No she doesn't know I know. But she has a lot going on at the moment and I didn't want to put a strain on her.

Thanks everyone for replying. I'll talk to her soon.

Can you put it in context? How often does she see the guy? Do they work or hangout together?

Ask her straight out. I am sure there are others signs aside from you having read her emails.

kowloon

With magicmarker on this, don't play your ace yet. Don't mention the mails until she has either come clean or denied contact with the ex.

LegacyUser

I am 32 and have had a number of long term relationships over the years. I still miss my ex's in some ways because they were once a huge part of my life and I wouldn't be the person I am today without their input in my life. For the most part, the relationships had a lot of happy times even though the relationship has broken down. A positive person would generally remember the good times if they are still on good terms with the ex would they not?

I would be very careful about telling her that you read her emails. You may blow this out of proportion.

Something to think about is whether or not your firlfriend makes you feel secure in your relationship. If this is not the case then maybe you should ask questions. But if she tells you and show you that she loves you, maybe the question should be left unasked.

Just my two cents. Good luck!

Wibbs

Cynical hat on...

third wheel. wrote: »

My girlfriend misses her ex.

That can happen. It depends on the degree and what they miss about the ex. More to the point what she thinks the thoughts of the ex give her that you don't.

They broke up last year but I'm sure they are still in contact with each other. I don't mean they are friendly, I mean that they say that they are missing each other with texts, phone calls and email.

Not good. At the stage you pair are at, it would be more likely that she wouldn't be thinking of the ex to the degree you're suggesting. It sounds more than friendly anyway. Was there ever a period of little contact between them that you know of, or have they been in constant contact since their split? Did she go to you right after the ex relationship. Did she leave him or the other way around?

For all I know they are meeting each other when I'm not around.

Quite possible, but as you can't know without putting on the paranoid hat, I would ignore that thought for the moment.

I think that it's not him she is missing but the friends she made through him, but she identifies him as the reason she was happy (if that makes sense).

It makes sense. It makes sense to you and it makes sense to me, but as neither of us can know what she's thinking, I would suggest it's likely something else.

I would usually walk away but I think she is worth the effort of trying to work it out.

Very noble, but ultimately fruitless if you're the rebound.

Do I talk to her or just leave it and hope she forgets about him?

Hard one. If you talk to her it may simply force her hand and force her to make a decision. IMHO that would be a good thing. If the degree of communication is still going on that you think it is, then your user name is very apt. Her ex could call himself similar. Shes' the one with the problem really. She may be hedging her bets, or simply over romanticising the ex.

While anyone can "miss" an ex, someone that they have spent those moments and life with, when that is brought into the next relationship, it's not good. There are three in the relationship as it stands. That would be a major step over my boundary anyway.

third wheel

Again, thanks everyone.

To answer some questions.

Wibbs: I came on the scene a few months after they split. I knew there was a always few emails going on but trusted that they were innocent.

Moojuice: they don't see each other through work or anything else and they would have to go out of their way to see each other.

Aurora Borealis

It’s a tricky one. These things aren’t black and white unfortunately. It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not into you or that you shouldn’t be together because she does miss her ex but talk to her honestly and say you’re not comfortable with the emails you saw. No point pretending you haven’t seen them, game playing not advisable imo.

I was in a similar ish situation where I was missing an ex while in another relationship and though the guy I was with knew that from the start we stayed together on and off where we shouldn’t have really because although I did really like him I wasn’t over my ex at all despite trying to be and wasn’t ready for another relationship. I just didn’t own up to how much until I finished things with the other guy for good.

That was my personal situation though and no one but you and your girlfriend can know what it is you should do regarding your current relationship. My advice would be definitely to come clean and discuss it with her.