Advice please.

girl2

I need some advice please (without judgement).

I started seeing a guy a year and 2 months ago, knowing he had a girlfriend. I think it was fine at the beginning before I was really into him but now its doing my head in and I want him to end it with her. He has been with her for amost 2 and a half years now. He says Im unreasonable, called me a bully last night and never gives me any real indication that we're going anywhere. The other day I asked him to answer me honestly is he ever going to end his relationship with her to be with me and he said he didn't know. I am so confused. I have tried many times to end this (and I know if I was strong enough myself I would be able to do it) but he keeps talking me around. Only on Friday I told him it was over, that I had had enough and I had my mind made up (that was when I asked him about ending it with her). He told me I needed to calm down, that I needed to take things easy and not be getting upset. I just wish something would happen one way or another.

He lives about 200 miles from me and about 100 miles from her. When he works in her area (which most weeks is 3-4 days a week) he stays at her house, the rest of the time hes at home and then when hes working in my area he stays with me.

We work in the same line of work and have soooo much in common. There are a few people who know, who cannot understand why he is still there in the relationship with her. And Im beginning to find it unbearable. I think he is also afraid of what my family might think, especially as we are all so involved in the same line of business.

I really am at the end of my tether and need to get something sorted before I go mad. I have even thought about ringing her and telling her (but I know that wouldnt be right).

Please give me your advice / opinions on what should I do.

LadyE

Dump his ass.

Why on earth do you want to settle with someone knowing you are second best???

If he wanted to be with you exclusivly then he would be with you. And if that happened, could you honestly really trust him not to have another bit on the side??

ntlbell

walk away get on with your own life

if it's meant to be he'll leave her and come get you if not then you'll be saving time by getting on with things.

Stinger-bar

You knew what you were getting yourself in for tbh.

Einstein

agreed,

he's using you. sorry to be blunt, but stopwasting your time and find someone closer to you, and makes you feel good about yourself.

biko

He is not going to end it with her.
He cheats on his girlfriend and will probably cheat on you.

Leave him.

bronte

He has the best of both worlds.
Why would he give that up?
This has to be horrible for your self esteem.
Dump him and never get involved with anyone who is attached again.
Seriously op, it would be the best thing you could do for yourself.

DenMan

Agreed. You have to move on with your own life. If he was seriously interested in you he would have cut all connections he has with the other girl. Your been played. Do what is right for yourself. This can't be good for you. Have some respect for yourself. He obviously doesn't.

One question though! Why did you go out with him in the first place when you knew he was going out with someone else. If he really cared for you he would broke the relationship off with her and remained with you. Doesn't make any sense at all. You know what you have to do.

Cathmandooo

+1million dump him immediately, delete him from your phone, never contact him again.

davyjose

OP, I have to echo what the others are saying here. Do you really think he's a nice guy? Do you really think he's the sort of guy you can trust? Do yourself a favour and get out ASAP.

Duiske

girl2 wrote: »

He lives about 200 miles from me and about 100 miles from her. When he works in her area (which most weeks is 3-4 days a week) he stays at her house, the rest of the time hes at home and then when hes working in my area he stays with me.

Girl2. if this guy eventually dumps his girlfriend, how are you going to know if he is being faithful on his frequent business trips ? Simple answer is you will not know, and going on his record to date he will almost certainly cheat on you.
I'm with the majority here. Dump him.

BJC

Troll...?

If not, dump his ass. he's got a women at every port, why would he give that up!

takola

You started this relationship with him knowing that he had a girlfriend. Why do you suddenly have the right to be demanding that he leave her? From your post it sounds like he's never really confirmed that he would leave her for you. Maybe you assumed he eventually would. He's not going to.

Now you need to do what's right for you. If you can't handle being number 2 then leave that relationship. Hopefully you'll learn from this and not get involved with someone who is attached again.

CathyMoran

Looks like he gets free board with benefits in both of your places - why would he want to change it. Do yourself and the other girl a favour and dump his sorry ass.

MagicMarker

My god, how people let themselves get into this position is beyond me...

OP, you made your bed, you really have no right to demand he leave his girlfriend when you knew about them at the start.

Also, i'd really doubt that he's only seeing two women tbh.

Grow a pair and try and retain some of your self respect. Others may not agree with me here, but this guy obviously cares for nothing other than himself.. So when you dump his ass i would ensure then his girlfriend knows the full story too, see how well he gets on with no one.. But that's just me:)

gaybitch

Ah now, you deserve someone who wants to be with you. You shouldn't have to share - and someone that was meant for you wouldn't try to make you.

He's selfish, taking advantage of your feelings for him, and you really need to realise that you deserve something better.


And what about the other woman? You knew what you were getting into, but she's being made a fool of. End this, for all concerned. You'll end all this heartache if you do.


Assess your options, take a break, and be strong.

corcaighcailin9

If your best friend or sister was in your situation what would tell her? Chances are you would want what's best for her and tell her get a million miles away from this @sshole. Of course he has talked you out of leaving him - why would he want his own situation to change? It sounds like he will never leave his gf but even if did, would you really want to start a proper relationship in these circumstances? How the hell would you ever trust him? And have you even thought of his gf here? Again, what if it was your best friend / sister or if you stick with this muppet, it could be you in a few years. Cut your losses and move on.

Bagheera

I have to agree with everyone else. He obviously doesn't feel guilty about cheating on his girlfriend or he would have either broken up with her or ended things with you.

Get rid of him for the sake of your own self respect.

tobiesheba

I think people have been very tough on the OP it's very easy to get into a situation without meaning to. I'm sure she knows that the relationship probably isn't going anywhere, she also probably accepts that if it was a friend or a sister in her shoes she'd be telling them to end it. BUT the fact remains when you care deeply for someone and think something is so right - it's very hard to leave all that behind for the unknown. This guy probably makes her feel good, if they work in similar areas they probably have loads in common and he seems perfect except for the small little problem of a girlfriend.

It's really, really tough and it will hurt like hell but tbh there's nothing really to be gained from the relationship. The sooner you make the break the sooner the pain will end.

seahorse

I'm surprised it's been suggested that this man may make the OP feel good. If this man is making the OP feel good she needs more help than she will get on an internet board.

I don’t think anybody has been tough on the OP. I think people are telling her in gentle non-judgemental terms what she ought to do for her own good. Also there is nothing "small" or "little" about the issue of a man being committed elsewhere; it's probably the biggest stumbling block to a woman forming a relationship with a man, next door to his being entirely gay.

Any woman with half a brain knows this, as did the OP, I am sure. She just choose to ignore it; literally decided to blindfold herself to the facts because the facts didn’t suit her, and that decision is now coming back to bite her in the arse, as deliberately blinkered decisions usually do.

OP, everyone makes stupid mistakes; this is one of yours. You need to cop on and then move on. It really is that simple, because this man clearly hasn’t a shred of respect for you and he's a long loooooong way from in love.

_blank_

Get rid of him.

Then tell the other girl.

HouseHippo

This guy is obv tbh an arse!
get shot of him quick.If he'll cheat with you he'll cheat on you! You willl never be any more than a booty call. He is not going to dump his gf for you.He is obv very insecure if he needs more than one relationship, prob has some self esteem issues. Get shot of him quick

tbh

Tell you what, ring his girlfriend and tell her the score. If he loves you he'll be relieved. Don't hold your breath tho.

HouseHippo

+1

takola

tobiesheba wrote: »

I think people have been very tough on the OP it's very easy to get into a situation without meaning to. I'm sure she knows that the relationship probably isn't going anywhere, she also probably accepts that if it was a friend or a sister in her shoes she'd be telling them to end it. BUT the fact remains when you care deeply for someone and think something is so right - it's very hard to leave all that behind for the unknown. This guy probably makes her feel good, if they work in similar areas they probably have loads in common and he seems perfect except for the small little problem of a girlfriend.

It's really, really tough and it will hurt like hell but tbh there's nothing really to be gained from the relationship. The sooner you make the break the sooner the pain will end.

But the OP said straight out that she knew he had a girlfriend when she started seeing him and she was ok with it then. Therefore she didn't end up in this situation without meaning to. She walked into it with her eyes open.

I find it hard to believe this guy is actually making her feel good. Maybe when he's around. But realistically being second best and knowing that you'll only fit into the scheme of things when his girlfriend isn't around or he needs somewhere to kip down in her area would be crushing for anyone's self esteem. I think that would leave someone's confidence quite low.

Also, the girlfriend is not a small problem! She's a person who thinks she's going out with a really nice guy who's faithful to her. OP I think you need to see it that way too.

Just walk away. If you want to tell the other girl then tell her. But expect to be the bad guy in that situation. You knew about her from the start and continued with the relationship. She's not going to look favourably on you for enlightening her.

AnonoBoy

tbh wrote: »

Tell you what, ring his girlfriend and tell her the score. If he loves you he'll be relieved. Don't hold your breath tho.

He doesn't love her obviously. He just fancies a bit on the side and she's willing to be that bit.

Also - if she tells the girlfriend then be prepared to be the villain. The guy is obviously skilled at manipulating people (he's doing it quite well to the OP) so he'll most likely talk his way out of it and keep the girlfriend. Even if she does believe you then she'll hate you because, let's be honest, you know the score and have been happily going along with the infidelity for months.

Best advice - dump him. Just say - it's over. That's it. No more. Don't entertain any arguments and don't allow him the chance to try and talk you around. If he persists in bothering you then threaten to tell the girlfriend. It's up to you whether you do or not.

Wibbs

tobiesheba wrote: »

I think people have been very tough on the OP it's very easy to get into a situation without meaning to.

I have to disagree. It's not easy, it requires specific steps to get to that point. Any of which the OP could have simply stopped. To suggest otherwise is also to suggest the OP or anyone else in this situation doesn't have a mind of her own and is led by her emotions and horniness. Then again, they're fierce powerful triggers.

She knew he wasn't single and yet continued with this. Now she's painted herself into a corner. This isn't a quick fumble with a few drinks on board, this is a sober, continuous relationship, that required multiple choices.

Now OP this isn't a judgement call, everyone fúcks up. It's part of life and learning. Many of us don't fúck up this way, but many do or do other dopey things until we figure out whats what.

Time to take the train from Dopeyville, population: 1. Walk away. Tell him no go. Don't tell him you'll stay if he's leaves the girlfriend. He won't and if he does, I guarantee, regardless of his protestations that he will cheat on you when the shine wears off. Put money on it. He doubtless tells his girlfriend he loves her and he doubtless is making love to her etc. All the the things he tells you, he has told or is telling the same thing to her. You're both booty calls basically.

You deserve more respect than that. More to the point you deserve to give yourself more respect than that. He's taking that away from you and her. The joke is you actually have more in common emotionally with his girlfriend than you do with him.

tbh

AnonoBoy wrote: »

He doesn't love her obviously. He just fancies a bit on the side and she's willing to be that bit.

Also - if she tells the girlfriend then be prepared to be the villain. The guy is obviously skilled at manipulating people (he's doing it quite well to the OP) so he'll most likely talk his way out of it and keep the girlfriend. Even if she does believe you then she'll hate you because, let's be honest, you know the score and have been happily going along with the infidelity for months.

yes I agree, I was challenging the OP to call the g/f, knowing she probably wouldn't because she knows exactly what would happen.

AngryBadger

How can you possibly see a future in this?

If you had started dating him, and then he had broken up with her that would be bad enough since I don't see how you could trust someone you had met in that way.

But as if that wasn't bad enough, you're STILL going out with him while he is STILL with his first girlfriend.

Are you mad?

I don't mean to be offensive, but you need to take a long hard look at yourself. Someone who would remain with a person that had relegated them to the back seat must be severely lacking in self-respect.

On the one hand I feel bad for you, because you must really think little of yourself to stay with this guy (who is clearly an @sshole), but on the other hand, you started seeing a guy who was already in a long-term relationship with someone else, and you've stayed with him for a year and a half, I don't expect you to hold yourself responsible for his other partner, but do you care AT ALL about her place in this?

I think you should leave this guy, and you should take a time-out from relationships to take a look at yourself.

Dudess

seahorse wrote: »

I don’t think anybody has been tough on the OP. I think people are telling her in gentle non-judgemental terms what she ought to do for her own good.

Absolutely. I think people have been extremely easy on her considering she knowingly started seeing someone in a relationship, AND is coming across as if he's HER man and it's HER right to have him to herself - not a shred of remorse on her part. Very few people have made that point, the majority of posters are only pointing out how much of a dick he is as if the OP isn't at fault at all - even something of a victim.

OP, everyone makes stupid mistakes; this is one of yours. You need to cop on and then move on. It really is that simple, because this man clearly hasn’t a shred of respect for you and he's a long loooooong way from in love.

It's even gone past the point of "mistake" at this stage...
He is of course being a dick but the responsibility doesn't lie 100% with him.

girl2 wrote: »

I have even thought about ringing her and telling her (but I know that wouldnt be right).

Do you not see the irony of that statement given that you've been the other woman for over a year?
That's another thing: people are recommending you ring his girlfriend. Hang on a sec: are people forgetting the OP is the one he did the cheating with? What do they expect from his girlfriend if she rings her? Gratitude? Maybe so if she didn't know about him being spoken for already but that doesn't apply here.

MJOR

Dudess wrote: »

Absolutely. I think people have been extremely easy on her considering she knowingly started seeing someone in a relationship, AND is coming across as if he's HER man and it's HER right to have him to herself - not a shred of remorse on her part. Very few people have made that point, the majority of posters are only pointing out how much of a dick he is as if the OP isn't at fault at all - even something of a victim.

It's even gone past the point of "mistake" at this stage...
He is of course being a dick but the responsibility doesn't lie 100% with him.

Do you not see the irony of that statement given that you've been the other woman for over a year?
That's another thing: people are recommending you ring his girlfriend. Hang on a sec: are people forgetting the OP is the one he did the cheating with? What do they expect from his girlfriend if she rings her? Gratitude? Maybe so if she didn't know about him being spoken for already but that doesn't apply here.

totally agree

Talliesin

Dump him. Do it some time when you aren't physically together. Normally I'd frown on this, but I think you'd be best to take a big look at where you are some time when you're neither in the midst of how great he is (in whatever ways you find him great, that got you into this to begin with) nor how **** the situation is. When you've got a relative degree of space, just calmly dump his ass.

girl2

Hello all

I have to thank each and every one of you for your comments. The best of it is that everything that was said by each of you, I knew already. And 30 replies on down the line have confirmed every thought I have had about this.

I think deep down I knew he would never leave his girlfriend for me, and I do think that my self esteem and self respect went down the drain when I became involved with him. I have turned into a crazy person - I have seen the gradual change in myself and I dont like who I have become.

And so, you will be pleased to know that its all over, as of about half an hour ago. I am completely gutted, but I'll get over it. I HAVE TO walk away from this with what dignity I have left in myself.

Nows the hard part.....not answering the phone if he rings, and being strong enough for myself. So I hope I will be able to hold myself together for the next fwe days to get over the worst part of it.

Once again, thank you all.

LadyE

girl2 wrote: »

Hello all

I have to thank each and every one of you for your comments. The best of it is that everything that was said by each of you, I knew already. And 30 replies on down the line have confirmed every thought I have had about this.

I think deep down I knew he would never leave his girlfriend for me, and I do think that my self esteem and self respect went down the drain when I became involved with him. I have turned into a crazy person - I have seen the gradual change in myself and I dont like who I have become.

And so, you will be pleased to know that its all over, as of about half an hour ago. I am completely gutted, but I'll get over it. I HAVE TO walk away from this with what dignity I have left in myself.

Nows the hard part.....not answering the phone if he rings, and being strong enough for myself. So I hope I will be able to hold myself together for the next fwe days to get over the worst part of it.

Once again, thank you all.

Best of luck to you! Honestly, you will much happier in yourself in a healthy relationship, rather than being "the other woman"

Gemini Sister

Well done OP. Have some experience of this type of relationship. Its not easy. Don't ring the gf; this isn't a soap. Stick to your guns, its the best way forward, either with him or without.

Wibbs

Fair play and not an easy thing to do either, but now you're free to find you and someone for you and you alone, that isn't a .... well you know..:)

Drummerboy2

Delighted for you. I'm sure in time you will meet a single guy who will be interested in you and you alone. It might be tough for a while but if you have a little resolve you will come out a better person. Treat the ex with contempt, as he has used you.

tbh

welcome to the rest of your life Well done.

Mixedup

seriously well done OP, i've been in your position before and i didnt have the strength to walk away..its amazing how together we can be in every aspect of our lives and then someone comes along that we just can't get over or walk away from no matter how self destructive we know we're being.

I admire your strength, it must have been nearly impossible. You'll be so much happier now, and a decent man will come along who you'll have all to yourself!

dudara

OP, I had no sympathy for your original post. Deliberately getting involved with someone else's partner is a horrible thing to do.

I'm glad that you're breaking it off with him, but I dislike your logic for doing so. You are showing no remorse for acting immorally for the last 14 months. At no point have you expressed any guilt for what you've done. Shame on you.

Sugar Drunk

dudara wrote: »

OP, I had no sympathy for your original post. Deliberately getting involved with someone else's partner is a horrible thing to do.

I'm glad that you're breaking it off with him, but I dislike your logic for doing so. You are showing no remorse for acting immorally for the last 14 months. At no point have you expressed any guilt for what you've done. Shame on you.

Thank you!!
I have no sympathy what so ever for you OP. I have such distaste for women who deliberately get with a man who has a girlfriend how could you happily do that to another woman? good luck with the karma!:mad:

he must have a had a great time this past year a girlfriend and a bit on the side on tap who was dellusional enough to believe he would leave his girlfriend. Its hios girlfriend I feel sorry for she would be better off without him!

John Mason

It's called Karma, love

absolutely no Sympathy for you



Edit: damn sugar drunk got in there before me

Sugar Drunk

irishbird wrote: »

It's called Karma, love

absolutely no Sympathy for you



Edit: damn sugar drunk got in there before me

Lol great women think alike .
Yup Karma is a great thing. Maybe Some day Op when you are in a relationship and happy you will wonder if he is doing the same thing to you as you did to this woman. You will notice little signs and changes and wonder what exactly he is doing when he is not with you.