Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

Quick Quickies

  • 13-06-2008 11:01am
    #1
    rocky25
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭


    A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

    He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds
    to empty the cash drawers.

    As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
    his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head.

    Then shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

    The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
    goes over and shoots him in the head also.

    'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

    There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard
    from a distant corner.

    'I think my missus caught a glimpse...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A salesman is driving down a country road one day when his car broke down.
    There was a farm near by, so he went up to ask for some help.

    The farmer suggested that his daughter, Nelly, could give him a ride into town to get the necessary parts for his car.

    Nelly was an innocent girl, the epitome of virginal beauty.

    Nelly and the salesman were on their way into town when he convinced her to pull over to the side of the road to enlighten her about the facts of life.

    They had some down and dirty sex all over the car, and then went into town to get the car parts.

    By the time they got into town, the auto store was closed, so they had to return to the farm.

    The farmer allowed the salesman to spend the night in the barn and get his car fixed in the morning.

    The next morning the salesman went up to the farmhouse to get Nelly so she could give him a ride into town.

    Nelly was gone, however, and her sister Venus opened the door.

    Venus was very unlike Nelly. She was sexy, voluptuous, and really even a bit sleazy.

    Venus volunteered to give the salesman a ride into town, and off they went. Venus did the convincing this time, and the salesman had the "ride" of his life.

    They eventually made it back to the farm with the parts, and the salesman fixed his car.
    He thanked the farmer, left his address to they could keep in touch in the future, and went on his merry way.

    A few months later the salesman received a later from the farmer which contained only a poem:

    Were you the one who did the pushin’
    Left the bloodstains on the cushion
    And the footprints on the dashboard upside down?
    ’Cause since you met my daughter Nelly,
    There’s a swelling in her belly,
    And you’d better get your ass back into town.



    The salesman thought for a minute, and wrote the following response:



    Yes, I was the one who did the pushin’
    Left the bloodstains on the cushion
    And the footprints on the dashboard upside down.
    But since I met your daughter Venus,
    I’ve had some problems with my penis,
    So I guess we’re pretty even all around.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "Doc, you’ve gotta help me.
    My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore.

    Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?"

    "Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?

    I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You’ve got to help me."

    The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.

    "Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful.

    Don’t give her more than ONE,

    understand? JUST one."

    "I don’t know, doc; she’s awfully cold..."

    "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

    "Um... okay."

    Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting.

    When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee.

    He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry.

    The doctor did say they were powerful.

    Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.

    His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation.

    Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes.

    In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need...a man..."



    His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."


Advertisement