Girlfriend Thinks im Cheating

LegacyUser

To start off- I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl I care dearly about and do love. She lives abroad for college. We see each other maybe once every 2-3 months but we do talk regularly online. It's not an online relationship - she lives here, and we met here, but for her to go anywhere in life, she needed to move.

I will admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend sometimes - I kissed another girl (which she knows- I told her, she didn't find it out. She had cheated on me drunkenly a few months previous and she had told me.) and I did send dirty txts to other girls (yes, I know it's wrong- but she did find out.) She could have dumped me for any of these reasons but she didn't. And I'm delighted she didn't as I would be so lost without her in my life.

I've stopped sending dirty txts to anyone and I have no intention of cheating on her again. But the thing is that she still thinks something is going on. When there really isn't.

Whats been making her think that is that in my job it's been getting busier and busier and I've been finishing later than I usually do. She found this very suspicious- even though I volunteered sending her logs of when I do finish. I've explained this to her, but she's still a bit paranoid. And I really don't want her to be, especially when there genuienly is nothing going on.

I completely and utterly understand why she is though. Lord knows I had been a pretty sh1t boyfriend. And I've tried making it up to her since then. I know I can't make her stop being paranoid; I guess it all comes with being in a long distant relationship - but I would like to know how to make her feel better at least.

Any ideas?

Oryx

She has a right to feel shaky, based on what youve said, but you know that. You want to reassure her? You could try phoning spontaneously sometimes, just out of the blue, to tell her you were thinking of her. Tell her how much she means to you, be sincere. Arrange to meet her as often as you can, and when you cant make sure she knows you miss her. Im not talking about being stalkerish or limp here, just make sure she knows she is #1 in your world. Thats all you can do till she builds trust again.

LegacyUser

I do phone her spontaneously all the time. In fact I've spent in the region of €800 on credit in the past 5 months (or nearly €45 a week) ringing her. I'd regularly ring her for no reason whatsoever just to tell her that I do love her.

Whenever she's over here I buy her flowers quite often. Always totally out of the blue. Red roses are her favourite. I don't go for the overblown romantic gestures like buying her a dozen roses, sometimes just 1 or 2 that I hide behind my back when I meet her.

vorbis

Dude, this is nothing to do with the cheating. This is about who has the power in your relationship. I mean you've both cheated yet you're the one over a barrel??

Grow a spine ffs. Tell her she's way out of line questioning you so much about your work.
It sounds like you spend the majority of the money in terms on contacting each other. Its all part of the same problem, you're letting yourself get walked over. And while on that topic have you heard of skype?

Honestly though, a college relationship where you'll only meet once every two months for what the next 2 to 3 years is probably too little contact. I'd find some way to solve that or it might be better to break up.

lolly22

Hi op. im sorry to read about your problem but unfortunatly from what you wrote and what your gf knows im not suprised she's a bit paranoied.
Its a shame because i can see you do genuienly love her and you really are trying hard now (hopefully you've learned from your mistakes) but I would suggest maybe when she is back to have a long talk about this with her face to face and explain how hard your trying and how much you love her and hopefully she will come around but if not then atleast you could try and move on with you're life. I really hope things work out the way you want op;)

Best of luck
lolly

NextSteps

Off topic, but get yourself an international phone card and use the landline, it'll save you a fortune!

Other than that, I don't know. Can you arrange to go over and see her more, maybe on a whim?

evad_lhorg

why bother if you cheat on her and then she cheats on you? obviously not real love there. drunk or not, it's easy to just say no

stcatherine

I can see why your G/F might be paranoid given ur few indiscretions but they were only minor, I would actual question if maybe her accusations towards you were based on her own guilt.

Maybe she has messed up and is taking it out on you, you have offered her perfetly reasonable explanations and proof to back up your stories, and her unwillingness to accept that suggests that maybe she is guilty of a wrong doing herself.
Just a thought based on my own experiences, I may be totally wrong.

cHaTbOx

UB wrote: »

Off topic, but get yourself an international phone card and use the landline, it'll save you a fortune!

I had long distance relationship like this but the fact you dont actually see them make them miss you even more(you should use land line and on money you save and use money you save yo go over on a whim). I know that as time passed in my relationship she got more and more agitated.
I would go over and see her it shows more effort and it shows how much you love her. It also breaks up the time you are apart and she will be much happier

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Re- Skype:
She lives in college accommodation and for some reason they have blocked it. She'll be living somewhere next year so we're going to use it a lot more and I'm contemplating buying a Skype phone so we can keep in contact when I'm not at home.

Re- Me spending more:
She doesn't have a job and her parents give her money each week. I have a full-time job and so I can afford to buy credit more than she can.

Re- Call-cards
I don't have a landline and neither does she. And I tried buying an international call-card - a ten euro one only lasted 11 minutes mobile-mobile. So it just wasn't worth the money

why bother if you cheat on her and then she cheats on you? obviously not real love there. drunk or not, it's easy to just say no

She cheated on me first. I cheated about 3 months afterwards. Why bother? Because they were mistakes and both of us have forgiven each other and we both want to stay together.

Off topic, but get yourself an international phone card and use the landline, it'll save you a fortune!

Other than that, I don't know. Can you arrange to go over and see her more, maybe on a whim?

The college term is over so she'll be back here for a few months. I fully intend to treat her as much as possible.

lolly22

OP good for you! I think her coming back for few months will be great for you both and i hope it will work out. For some people knowing there mistakes makes them stronger and better people.

All the best
Lolly;)

Wibbs

Off topic(a tad). Get Skype credit and ring her mobile from your Skype. Saves a fortune. Now I go away to fall on my own mod sword for off topic posting.

MagicMarker

Yup, you both have cheated and now she's accusing you of cheating even more...

Sorry, but this relationship is going nowhere fast!

Wagon

You two need to see more of each other. It's nice to see that you two have stayed together despite the drunken messing and you really care for each other, but you need to see each other more.

reregholdsworth

MagicMarker wrote: »

Yup, you both have cheated and now she's accusing you of cheating even more...

Sorry, but this relationship is going nowhere fast!

You have a summer together coming now. Make the most of it.
You can work through these baseless accusations best by being
together. Do not worry that you are going 'nowhere' at a very rapid
pace. it would be stupid to think like that.

MIN2511

I don't believe in long distance relationship, the farthest i would do is Navan and even that is pushing it.

Right, she thinks you are cheating?

1. What are you doing wrong-going out with mates, not responding to her texts/calls/emails like you used to?
2. Sometimes when men talk about **** e.t.c women get jealous-dunno why
3. Have you made promises and failed to keep them?

And honestly are you cheating? ie chatting/texting/calling other girls?

Aurora Borealis

reregholdsworth wrote: »

You have a summer together coming now. Make the most of it.
You can work through these baseless accusations best by being
together. Do not worry that you are going 'nowhere' at a very rapid
pace. it would be stupid to think like that.

+1

Why don't the two of you give it your all for the summer and see how you both feel then. Sometimes you need to spend some proper time together to cement things and put old ghosts and insecurities to rest.

Best of luck.

RedXIV

My best mate had this problem. Except he never cheated on anyone in his life and his gf met him everyday and she STILL thought he was cheating. So he broke up with her and bluntly told her "i can't be with someone that doesn't trust me"

She copped on, and too months later they got back together again and they are both deliriously happy again. Tell her if she can't trust you, whats the point of the relationship

lolly22

Hi OP I have to agree with Redxiv in this case. When she gets back have a talk and let her decide if she trusts you enough for relationship to go on. If not... hard as it might sound, you have to get on with your life and you'll find the right girl for you soon.If she is willing to give it ago then all I can say is best of luck to you both.

Fingers crossed;)
Loly

MIN2511

RedXIV wrote: »

My best mate had this problem. Except he never cheated on anyone in his life and his gf met him everyday and she STILL thought he was cheating. So he broke up with her and bluntly told her "i can't be with someone that doesn't trust me"

She copped on, and too months later they got back together again and they are both deliriously happy again. Tell her if she can't trust you, whats the point of the relationship

Jeez, thats a bit harsh.... We all deal with insecurities and paranoria... She probably wants some attention e.t.c.

But to say it's not worth the trouble is a bit too harsh to call

RedXIV

MIN2511 wrote: »

Jeez, thats a bit harsh.... We all deal with insecurities and paranoria... She probably wants some attention e.t.c.

But to say it's not worth the trouble is a bit too harsh to call

Imagine going out with someone for 3 years and then in the last 8-10 months they constantly bad mouth you to their friends for cheating, bad mouth you to your parents for cheating, trying to follow you around, read your messages and scan through your emails. i think that spending 8-10 months of putting up with that shows the patience of a saint. i'd last 8-10 days myself

MIN2511

RedXIV wrote: »

Imagine going out with someone for 3 years and then in the last 8-10 months they constantly bad mouth you to their friends for cheating, bad mouth you to your parents for cheating, trying to follow you around, read your messages and scan through your emails. i think that spending 8-10 months of putting up with that shows the patience of a saint. i'd last 8-10 days myself

Okay thats a bit OTT

I don't think OP's case is that bad... or is it?

Aurora Borealis

Trust is so important in a relationship. It’s obviously been eroded at for the reasons you’ve given, texts, kisses etc. If the feelings between the two of you are strong enough and if you’re both emotionally mature and open to putting in the work it might take to build it up again there’s every chance you will. Talk to her seriously about it and see if she’s up to the challenge because it won’t be easy.

Best of luck.

A.B.

jellie

Sorry to be blunt, but if theres no trust then whats the point? Spending time worrying the other person is doing things they shouldnt be just destroys you. Leads to unhappiness, arguments, etc etc. If theres no trust i just wouldnt be bothered. I wouldnt put up with having to defend myself over nothing constantly.