It's my fault, I have no right to be broken-hearted. But I am.

MistyCheese

My fiancé and I broke up during the week. Even though it was me who started the conversation that lead to the break-up I still feel miserable. I feel like I don't have a right to be upset because it's all my fault.

Sometimes I feel that what I want is to go down on my hands and knees and beg him to take me back. But then all of the pain that we've both been in these past few days will be for nothing. So I try to remember the reasons why I wanted us to part in the first place.

It wasn't because I don't love him. It was because I felt that I needed to be on my own for a while. I feel like I need to grow up some more before settling down. He's ready to settle down now, he's ready for children. I don't feel ready for that yet.

So I've probably done the stupidest thing I will ever do in my life. Broken up with someone that I still love, for pretty much no reason at all. I hate myself for all the pain I've put us both through.

He texted me last night, after The Apprentice final. It started out okay, each one of us asking how the other was and telling each other that we'd be okay but just before we said goodnight he texted to say that all of this is my fault. He also said that he felt used and "possibly traded in for a younger model". I've promised him, promised him that breaking up had nothing to do with me wanting to be with another man. I don't. I meant what I said. I want to get to know me, I don't want to be with anyone else. I can't even imagine being with someone else right now.

It kills me that I've hurt him so much. I feel stupid and selfish. My head is all over the place. I feel absolutely miserable about the fact that we're not together anymore. I just know that in a years time or 2 years time I'll be even worse. I'll have decided "Actually, I am ready to setle down and have children" and he'll probably be married to someone else with a child on the way and I will hate myself even more because I'll be thinking "it could've been me."

Captain Ginger

Well, I mean I was going to ask why you just didn't delay the wedding, or take a holiday by yourself to think about it, but I don't think asking or expecting him to wait two years is fair.

You're not the first person this has happened to and you won't be the last.

jellie

wow, i could feel how much youre hurting from reading that.

are you SURE this is what you want? if youre sure then make sure you stay away from him. youll both need space & time. dont make it worse by texting him & dragging it out & putting ideas in his head that it might work. if youve made your decision you have to stick to it, dont mess him around, it will do neither of you any good.

contact with him wont help the situation (im learning this the hard way).

zuroph

you got "the fear". women do this all the time. yes you hurt him. and yes it is your fault.

MistyCheese

No, the "two years" wasn't based on anything. Right now, today, I can say that I'm not ready but I could theoretically wake up tomorrow and be ready. Or some day next year. Or it mightn't happen for 5 years. But he's ready now and I can't ask him to wait until I am. I don't even know how long that'll be.

Maybe I could take some comfort in the fact that I'm not completely selfish. the most selfish thing to do would have been to stay with him until he finally decided he couldn't wait anymore. But I want him to be happy. Even if that means being with someone else.

Sar84, you're right about the texting. I can't tell you how badly I've wanted to pick up the phone and text him. But, last night, he texted me. Maybe that doesn't matter, maybe I shouldn't have replied or shouldn't have kept the conversation going but I do want you to know that I didn't text him and tease him or anything like that.

Captain Ginger

MistyCheese wrote: »

No, the "two years" wasn't based on anything. Right now, today, I can say that I'm not ready but I could theoretically wake up tomorrow and be ready. Or some day next year. Or it mightn't happen for 5 years. But he's ready now and I can't ask him to wait until I am. I don't even know how long that'll be.

Maybe I could take some comfort in the fact that I'm not completely selfish. the most selfish thing to do would have been to stay with him until he finally decided he couldn't wait anymore. But I want him to be happy. Even if that means being with someone else.

Ask yourself this:

Do you think you can find a better man than him for you?
Do you enjoy being with him and waking up with him?
Do you think you will be happier alone without him?
Could you bare to see him with another woman and loose him forever.

If you answer No,Yes,No,No then I think you're just screwing yourself over here as well as him.

Drummerboy2

I'm sure if he loved he would be prepared to wait a reasonable amount of time. Is there a big age difference between you? I'm asking because you make him sound a little desperate to settle and have kids asap.

MistyCheese

Well, I certainly don't think I'll be happier on my own. But I feel that I'm not a complete person and I need to grow more and the only way I can do that is to be independant for a while before settling down.

I could bear to see him with another woman, if she would be better for him and give him the things that he wants. He really wants a child. I really don't want to bring a child into this world if I'm not completely ready. I don't think it would be fair on the child. So I would rather see him happy and with a woman who wants children as much as he does. It's not even that I don't want children, just not yet.

I'm 22. He's 31. I want to see a bit more of the world before I settle down. I think it would make me a better person, and a better mother to my (someday) children.

Captain Ginger

Well now that you mention your age that makes a hell of a lot more sense, I can understand where you are coming from now.

Plek Trum

Sounds like you are very level headed and are completely within your rights to wait and experience life a bit more. You took the right decision for you and there is absolutly no shame or harm in that. You don't want to wake up at 25 with 2 kids and feel frustrated or possibly resentfull towards him or worse, towards the children (if you had them!).

Have you explained the reasons fully to him? I'm sure that in time, if he truly loves you for you, he will see that this was a good idea. Why not just defer the engagement, put it on the back boiler for a few years and maybe try a bit of travelling together?

muppetkiller

Yup I agree with Ginger ...you're way to young to get married and have kids if you still want to travel the world and get some independence.
It's alright for him he's 31 and probably done it all..(actually now that i think about it he probably hasn't as if he had he's understand).

Still though on an unrelated topic I'm 31 and didn't think I could get a 22 year old whohooo ..thanks op you made my day

MistyCheese

I have explained the reasons to him. We had a very sensible, amicible break-up on Tuesday. We talked for a very long time, we both cried our heats out and held each other and then he left.

I think some of his message may have been the pain talking. I really hope he doesn't think I was lying to him. I wasn't. I don't want to be with another man. If that was the reason I would have said it.

Thank you for your advice but he said he wants children before he is 35, and if he doesn't have one by then, or one on the way, he's not going to have them at all. That's just 4 years away. If I stayed with him and said "Yeah, I'll probably be ready" I would only be stringing him along because I might not be. I might be, but I might not. What if I'm not ready in four years time? Do I have children anyway because I promised I would? Or do we break up then and where does that leave him?

Muppetkiller, he has done things. He started going out, like to clubs, at a very young age. He's been on holidays and to festivals abroad. He's travelled. He has loads of great stories about the things he's done and the places he's seen and sometimes I feel a little bit jealous because I want to experience some of those things too. Sometimes I feel inadequate because I don't have those experiences to draw on. In a crowd of people my own age they've done a lot more and I have little to talk about. Not that I want to go travelling so that I'll have stories to tell. I just want to experience these things. I've never, ever been on a holiday, for example. There are things I want to do while I'm still young.

Captain Ginger

MistyCheese wrote: »

I have explained the reasons to him. We had a very sensible, amicible break-up on Tuesday. We talked for a very long time, we both cried our heats out and held each other and then he left.

I think some of his message may have been the pain talking. I really hope he doesn't think I was lying to him. I wasn't. I don't want to be with another man. If that was the reason I would have said it.

Thank you for your advice but he said he wants children before he is 35, and if he doesn't have one by then, or one on the way, he's not going to have them at all. That's just 4 years away. If I stayed with him and said "Yeah, I'll probably be ready" I would only be stringing him along because I might not be. I might be, but I might not. What if I'm not ready in four years time? Do I have children anyway because I promised I would? Or do we break up then and where does that leave him?

Yeah, you seem to be decent enough and it's nice to see you're not just thinking about yourself, I think you made a logical call and saved you both from potentially a lot more heartbreak.

LifeISforLivin

Aha....all becomes clear......please stop beating yourself up, age gap relationships are tricky for these very reasons......

It would be a lot worse if you pootled on in the relationship while secretly hiding these doubts from him and perhaps delaying his chance at fatherhood even more, I dont say this lightly, I am in an AGR myself with someoneapprox 10 years younger.

You are at least coming out honestly and saying "Im not ready" which you are not. He may say "it doesnt matter, I will wait" and he probably will but I have to say at 22 you would be mad.

You do need time in your life where you are not part of a couple, there is plenty of time for that and all the responsibility stuff later, much later, and sometimes some people decide never.

Anyway, although painful now, you have got a point, it is so very painful but I suppose you have to break eggs to make omelettes.

Settling down at 22 is putting the fear into you and with good reason.

You are young, go wild, its time.

MistyCheese

Well, thank you Captain Ginger and LifeIsForLivin. Even if that's the only good, positive thing I can take from this then I feel a lot better. Even if I end up finding out that I made the wrong decision, at least I'll know that I made it for the right reasons.

LifeISforLivin

You are welcome MistyCheese, I am impressed by how wise you are for 22. Get out there and do everything you want to. Travel go to Festivals and all that good stuff !

You need adventures, thats what youth is for. These years are precious and you cant get them back, as much as it hurts to break up with someone you love to bits if you feel the need to do it then you must follow your instincts.

LifeISforLivin

zuroph wrote: »

you got "the fear". women do this all the time. yes you hurt him. and yes it is your fault.

Women do what all the time?

Wibbs

zuroph wrote: »

you got "the fear". women do this all the time. yes you hurt him. and yes it is your fault.

Wtf? Oh real helpful. If you're incapable of posting something useful to the thread in question or feel that whatever personal experience is behind this projection onto "women", then don't post. Simple as that. Read the charter. Hey I don't mind dissent. Dissent is good, dissent without purpose is pointless and more to the point won't be tolerated, at least by me.

stcatherine

OP,

I've been where you are, except for the fact that I knew deep down no matter how much it hurt that I was doing the right thing.

I travelled, I had the best time ever for 6 months, then I realised I was ready to settle down, I came home and tried to find a job and rebuild a life with friends etc ( I lost a lot of friends when I left my Fiancee), then one evening I was invited to a BBQ, I was depressed and feeling awful but I went and I met a guy who is now My Husband. We will be married 6 years this weekend, and have a beautiful son.

I dont regret what I did one little bit.

Follow your heart, it takes a lot of courage to stand up and admit you need something more before you are ready to settle down, I got a lot of stick from people, I couldnt make them understand that I was doing the right thing by my fiancee by leaving instead of staying and probably making us both miserable.

But to this day I know I did the right thing for me.

Good luck x

MJOR

Hey OP .... Right decision..... maybe it was a case of right man wrong time.. Go out there travel live your life.. 22 is too young to be thinking of babies and wedding dresses. You are exactly as I was at your age.. Had i met my fiance then and had he popped the question I am not all that sure i would have said yes.... Try and cut contact the wounds are raw

make the most of the "you" time.....

Enjoy your new life it'll be scary being without him initailly but worth it in the end

Beruthiel

MistyCheese wrote: »

WEven if I end up finding out that I made the wrong decision, at least I'll know that I made it for the right reasons.

I firmly believe that you don't truly grow up and be the person you're going to be until at least 28. At 22 you still have a ways to go. You're going to change a lot.
I know you feel like total crap now, but I think you made the best decision for the both of you. You're not wrong when you say that this would continue to be on your mind and would be worse in a year or two. It would have grown and festered. Better you decided now instead of after ye were married.

Go out and party, that's what 22 year olds do!

Also, after some time passes and you start to feel better, don't look back and regret. Remind yourself that you made the right decision for you at the time.
Best of luck.

MagicMarker

OP: You did the right thing, i'm 24 now, and i feel like i've grown up ALOT since i was 22.. Yeah, it's only 2 years, but a lot can happen in 2 years. I can't even imagine myself as a 22 year old, right now i think back and all i see is a child.

Yeah, you're hurting now, but you DEFINITELY made the right choice. All you have to do is live your life how you want. Save up, go to college, move away for a year, travel around the world.

The world is your oyster, so to speak.

davyjose

MistyCheese wrote: »

I'm 22. He's 31. I want to see a bit more of the world before I settle down. I think it would make me a better person, and a better mother to my (someday) children.

I think by not trying to pigeon-hole yourself into a life of being trapped as a wife and Mother, you're pigeonholing yourself into a life of being single.

What do you want to do? You haven't mentioned this - just what you don't want.
Look, you don't have to be a Mother right away - that will come. Being a wife... what will that change? You can still have your freedom, you can still have your friends; you don't need to be single to be free. And you might just find that out quicker than you think. It ain't all fun and games.

MagicMarker

davyjose wrote: »

Look, you don't have to be a Mother right away - that will come. Being a wife... what will that change? You can still have your freedom.

I don't think freedom is the issue here... The girl wants to grow up a little, how can anyone really grow when there's always someone else there to fall back on, like a husband?

Sometimes we have to be completely dependant on ourselves to truely grow.

Creachadóir

I think I've kinda gone through the opposite of this with my ex, though without the age gap (at least physically :rolleyes:). He was convinced we were headed towards settling down and all that. He still loved me I think. But he thought he was too young for it. And I guess, even though I'm still hurt, I'd hate to think that someone regretted something by being with me, or felt like they'd missed out. You've made the right decision. Especially as he'd put a time frame on the time he wants to have children.

LegacyUser

I was in your boots a year ago.

I caved, went back, got married, and have now left again.

Sometimes it's not just nerves, it's not cold feet, it's not 'the grass is greener syndrome'. Sometimes it's just not right.

But only you can know.

Just because you feel bad, doesn't mean it wasn't the right decision. It's still the end of a very significant relationship and you need to grieve for it.

MIN2511

OP i was 22 until a few days ago when i turned 23:D and tbh i totally know where you are coming from after dating my ex for 5yrs of my life.

It's not that you don't love him you just need to find yourself, make your mistakes and live life so you have no regrets.
He has done his-lived his life and should be more understanding but he isn't, he would get over it. The initial shock and his mind is probably amok atm but he would be fine.

I wish you all the best!

davyjose

MIN2511 wrote: »

He has done his-lived his life and should be more understanding but he isn't, he would get over it.

Yes, I mean God forbid he gets upset when the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with tells him she wants to leave him.
How selfish he is for not "getting over it".

littlefriend

ALWAYS go with your gut feeling and follow your heart.

Get a book called 'eat, pray, love' by Elizabeth Gilbert and read it.
She left her husband when she was 34 or something , not because he wasn't a great guy - she just knew that life wasn't where she was meant to be.


Page 1
tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth


Don't worry, you'll be alright. I promise, cross my heart and everything for you
x

MIN2511

davyjose wrote: »

Yes, I mean God forbid he gets upset when the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with tells him she wants to leave him.
How selfish he is for not "getting over it".

Right, she's 22 and he is 31........

Age maybe nothing but a number but she isn't ready to settle down

LifeISforLivin

davyjose wrote: »

Yes, I mean God forbid he gets upset when the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with tells him she wants to leave him.
How selfish he is for not "getting over it".

He gets upset...
He wants to spend the rest of his life with...

Yeh, but its not all about him and what he wants, for the relationship to work they both have to want it.

Of course he has a right to be upset, but she cant stay with him out of guilt. Its not right, its horribly hard to let go of something you love and she knows this and shes probably riddled in guilt for "causing" this suffering to him I'd say.

I wouldn't think she needs it rubbed in any more, cos its hard enough....

SheRa

Ah Misty Cheese, I feel your pain I really do. I was in your position 6 months ago. My god I cant believe that its 6 months ago.
Anyway, I felt savage guilt and pain about whether I was doing the right thing and whether I would regret the breakup and turn around to find him with someone else, and be heartbroken.

At the time despite being in turmoil, I knew one thing, that I needed to do it. I didnt know if it was going to be a good idea long term, so I had to just take it one day at a time. but I needed to do it at the time. I still feel that. I went with my gut and I was completely honest with him about why I had to do it.

Captain Ginger wrote: »

Ask yourself this:

Do you think you can find a better man than him for you?
Do you enjoy being with him and waking up with him?
Do you think you will be happier alone without him?
Could you bare to see him with another woman and loose him forever.

If you answer No,Yes,No,No then I think you're just screwing yourself over here as well as him.

Up to a few months after the breakup I would have still answered no, yes, no and no. Id get a few panicky moments about whether I had done the right thing, but all I could do was trust my gut, there was nothing else to do.

Now Id answer: I think Its possible to find one that would make me happier, while I did enjoy being with him its time to move on, yes and yes.

Maybe you'll regret it in a few days/weeks/months, maybe not, but all you can do is go with how you feel at the moment.

Anyway if you do want to PM me feel free.

Take Care of yourself.

No1XtinaFan

Hi OP,
If you feel this strongly about not wanting to settle down and he is the opposite, I think you did the right thing.

I started going out with my boyfriend when I was 19 and I'm 23 now. He is 29. Sometimes I wonder if I'm settling down too young but I really couldn't imagine myself finding anyone better than him and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.
We do things together, we go on holiday every year, we're going to New York in October, somewhere I've always wanted to go and we're very happy, he wants to have children soon but he knows I'm not ready so he's waiting until I am.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is you need to go with your gut feeling, if he wants kids so bad that he's putting a timeframe on it knowing you're not ready is he really worth it?

Being engaged at 22 is very young let alone even getting married and having kids, don't be forced into it.

When you said you've never been on a holiday do you mind me asking if that's because he didn't want to or you just couldn't/never got around to it?

I hope you feel better soon, and stop feeling guilty

jellie

i think youre very brave. just try to keep remembering why you did it.

my bf broke up with me a couple of weeks ago (wow 2 weeks today, i just realised, longest but quickest 2 weeks ever, weird). Thing is i knew i NEEDED to break up with him because i couldnt deal with some things hed been doing. but i couldnt do it, & in end the he broke up with me anyway.

i KNOW it had to end, i KNOW im better off without him. You KNOW you had to do this. But it doesnt make a difference to the pain. let yourself feel bad & dont feel that you shouldnt be alllowed to. regardless of why it ended or who ended it, its still a big change in your life & youre allowed to be upset.

youll probably be up & down for awhile (i know i am). i hope it gets easier for you. just keep reminding yourself why you did it.