Huge problem with brother

LegacyUser

Right, I have wanted to talk to someone about this for years now but was never able to get this off my chest, this topic may well disgust some of you so don't continue on reading if you're just going to judge me and give me a load of abuse...


Right, years ago I had just turned 13 and my younger brother was 11, we were pretty close and did all the things brothers do, played games, got into stupid arguments and always made up at the end of the day. Anyway around this age we were both just discovering girls and porn and all that and we would sneak onto the computer and look at it thinking we were really cool, we'd tell each other about it all and it was fine.

Then one day I did something that would tear me up for the rest of my life I was looking at porn with the internet and we saw hand jobs, and I suggested to my brother we should try that, at the time we thought nothing of it as we were both young and pretty naive and so we did that. Then we tried other sexual stuff to test it out, we never went the whole way as to be honest it was impossible at the age we were at and we were both undeveloped enough. This whole thing lasted a month on and off till we both decided we didn't want to do it anymore and I was starting to feel it was wrong. Nothing more was said and we continued living our lives.

Fast forward a few years and my brother was about 16 and started getting really out of control and treated our parents and me with no respect (I know all teenagers go through this). We argued a lot and had some huge blow ups but nothing was ever said about what happened years ago.

Fast forward more and my brother is still acting up and has started on drugs with his friends and is still out of control. As an older brother I try to set a good example but whenever a big argument happens or if he's out of line I have to back down as I'm terrified he will bring up what happened.

Now let me get one thing strait, at the time we were both young and had no idea of how bad it was, it was completly innocent (in a way), but I still feel really bad about it and blame myself for what he's doing to his life and I feel like I have no right to give out or lecture him.

I really didn't want to post this but I have no other options at this stage as I'm going insane here.

Any help would be great thanks.

oldhairyman

i wouldnt be too bothered about what you did with your brother as a child. i myself have got way worse secrets than that and im sure most people you talk to will have done crazy stuff as a child but they wont ever lets those skeletons out of the closet. listen you were too young to comprehend what was going through your head so ya did some messed up stuff but you were young, innocent and unaware of what was going on.
As for how your bro is behaving now,that has nothing to do with what happened as a child. he is behaving in an unhealthy negative manner. you as his older brother should talk to him in a friendly manner about his drug taking aand how you are concerned about his lifestyle and how it can affect him mentally and long term.ive a mild drug problem and my bro is constantly making me cut down on it and it works.
best of luck

needhelpguy

Dude you need to relax. Many young kids are fascinated by sex like that at a young age. I imagine a lot of kids had similar, innocent experiences. And you need to stop blaming yourself as if you did something terribly wrong - I mean, you didn't force him down and violently rape him!

And I seriously doubt he will ever bring it up at all, ever. Imagine how embarassing that would be for him aswell!

Seriously, you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Plek Trum

First of all, well done on posting - this took courage and I hope will be the start of some piece of mind for you. First of all I want to assure you that this is FAR more common than people admit or are willing to discuss. Children do experiment growing up and yes, at times this does happen with siblings. I know this for fact as I was discussing it with a friend who works as senior member with Rape Crisis and Sexual Abuse centre only yesterday.

She informed me that there was a significant increase in clients arriving confused with issues of sexuality and possible abuse, given what they experienced as children. She felt that the media coverage and opening up of issues publicly had alot to do with it. Apparently sexual experimentation by children is a normal stage in development and it does happen between siblings also.

I would suggest contacting your local Rape Crisis and Sexual Abuse centre and please do not be put off by the name!! They are VERY experienced in this area and it will do you good to have a chat with someone qualified there. They help clarify things for you and help mediate with your brother in getting this issue discussed and properly dealt with so that you can both move on. Best of luck - you owe it to yourself and your brother to have a long and good life together and as a family.

Saruman

I seriously doubt you are the cause of your brothers behaviour. More so i would look to the people he had as friends or hung around with.

This event happened years after your experience so is unlikely to be caused by that, chances are he barely remembers it... or are you not telling us something? Did he bring it up and blame you? If not then i doubt its the cause. You just can not understand why you turned out ok and he did not and are assigning blame to yourself.

LegacyUser

Wow, thank you guys so much for being so understanding and for your help, you have no idea how much weight has been taken off my shoulders from getting this out.

Advice has been taken on bored and once again thank you so much.

Beruthiel

As everyone said, relax.
You are looking back with adult eyes to something done in innocence at the time.
You feel embarrassed and guilty now, perhaps talking to a professional would help you deal with that.
It's possible that your brother also feels the same, however I do not think his behaviour now is a result of this.

LegacyUser

We all have experimented with our todgers and other people's (boy & girl) 'wot-nots' when we were young : I'll show U mine, if U show me yours ... Greeeeat fun !!!

LegacyUser

Me and my sister used to play "The Lion King" but it was always innocent, and discovering something we didnt know alot about. Years later, I was smoking a joint and all of a sudden I realised what we had done, and I could be done as the sly abuser, I freaked out. Luckily, what I did wasnt vidictive, I was only 9 or 10 and it hadnt lasted very long. It was just a childish interest. We both turned out different too and I dread the day she brings it up (if ever) but you have to understand that every sibling turns out different, I went straight, she went crooked, different people, still good people but very different.

If I had known what I was doing was wrong, I would not have done it, but I didnt know it was wrong, so I did it. Im ashamed too, only because I know in this adult life that it was wrong, but back then, I had not a clue, I was still innocent.

I went through this fear your experiencing too, that drop in the stomach, so dont worry you have to overcome it and if he ever brings it up, your answer is, we were innocent and kids... only you know if there was anything more sinister or perverted to it.

Good luck and chin up buddy, we're only human.

Dizzyblonde

You can't blame yourself for your brother's behaviour, what you did wasn't malicious, it was done out of an innocent curiosity.
It's time to move on from it and as others have said, if you need to seek help to do that then you should.
Good luck

moco

Don't worry, you were both kids and it's normal enough behaviour. My sis wanted me to practise kissing with her a few times but I kept chickening out!

Funny enough, we've never spoken about that either. :eek:

Don't think it has anything to do with your brother's behaviour, I'm sure it hasn't.

LegacyUser

Dude. its all about context.

would you do it now? no.

at the time you were kids making a discovery.

you said it yourself. it was innocent.

chill out.

LegacyUser

i feel like mentioning that ....your brother could have a completly different perspective of this experience... we only know very little about what actually happened,what if the op was pushy at all with how he wanted to do things,the brother might feel like he was having something done to him as opposed to it being completly mutual... i think all kids are innocent and things like this could happen easily,so dont blame yourself....

but he may feel discusting inside and as you can see it is something that is always in the back of your mind-and boys are less likely to discuss these issues openly so this is dangerous to you and your brothers mental health because it could eat away at you -if its out in the open you can both deal with it and move on from it working through the feelings that doing it have left in you both-other wise it will fester for ever...

maybe you should tell your parents,write them a letter and get it out in the open... your brother may be very confused and may feel perverted-from something that was an innocent act-it could have worse effects later in life becaue if you think you are perverted you will believe it about yourself and there is more chance of it happening again in other ways if you know what i mean...