I'm just lost

LovelyTom

Hi
Well I've list 4 people close to me this year. 3 of them killed themselves and 1 died in their sleep.
One was my cousin.
the other three were my friends.
I've felt really down and nervous about how I act towards people since I've kind of felt like I've been trying to get more distant with people which is making me feel lonely. I'm nervous about talking to people about it and I can't really feel any emotion without thinking how one of the people could've felt or how they must've felt before they did it. I feel guilty going places and doing things that I know they'd enjoy and I miss them all to bits.

I also have felt really really down about myself. Kind of hopeless and burdened... My parents haven't noticed a change but my friends and my girlfriend have. I've felt really uncared about recently, with my girlfriend forgetting my birthday and my parents kicking me out of the house for coming home late. It's all just really getting too much and I'm gettin more and more miserable. My main problem seems to be that I think far too much and I try to work thing's out in my head but far too illaberately and I get more upset.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this, I just wanted to see if anyone had any advice or something.

Thanks for reading.

Tom.

Kazobel

Hi Tom, I know I come across as a right cnut at times but in this regard I have some advice that might help, My little bro died years ago so I can relate to the feelings of guilt towards your friends and cousin, I felt like that for a while too and it consumed me where I obsessed about the fact he'd never do or see anything again and the smallest thing would set me off like I'd eat chocolate and feel guilt because he'd never be able to taste that again and I'd no reaso to feel guilt because he died of Cancer so I couldn't do anything but it was still there, I was here and he wasn't (and this is the hard part to admit to yourself), Tom what you're feeling right now isn't sadness that they're gone, it's guilt that you're still here. I want you to seriously think about this, think about all those funerals (harsh I know but just try), now think about everyone else there, everyone else is crying, everyone else is upset yes? now ask yourself were you and everyone else crying because the person died and crying for them or where you crying because the person was gone and you'd never see them again and so crying for you?

Grief is internalised, I know you lost friends and you're sad about that but you're sad about your loss not theirs and they lost their lives but you're more sad now about the fact you lost friends, I'm not trying to be bad I'm just trying to help you put it in perspective and probably deal with it better. When my brother died I cried as any sibling would but I looked around and realised everyone else was crying for themselves not for him, it was all "How will I cope?", "I'm going to miss him", not one person said "Well he's dead so how's he going to cope", if you can start to see that you'll realise that it's just feeling sorry for yourself but let it go, they died, you didn't, they got the sh!tter end of the stick but ask yourself really Tom, are you crying for them or are you crying for you? When you work that out trust me you'll feel a lot better.

vincenzo1975

have to say Kazobel, i think thats a pretty personal post, but not sure how much of it is reflective of what Tom described.

Tom, your confusion as to why they did it is the root of your problems. you feel inadequate because maybe ou did not know how deeply they felt or why they did it, and why did you not spot it. Your guilt is an absolute natural feeling.

You shopuld not try to understand these things, that sounds weird, but it is not your responsability to understand the why of this situation, it is just your job to make these events part of you, and move on.

respect their memories, but trying to understand why they did it is an impossible journey. you must simply make their deaths part of your self. You are now someone who lost people, you are experienced in loss, and the great sadness and turmoil it brings. It has now touched you and will be with you forever. guilt and remorse and regret are chains and anchors to your life. you have to just let them go, and respect that these people did what they did(except for the one who died by accident)and lived how they lived out of their choice. Respect their right to make decisions and realise that people are always selfish at the end of their days, whether they are young or old.

Let what they did become part of you and move on, as a deeper, more soulful and etched character. I hope you find peace and strenght.

It may sound confusing, but its what worked for me.

Kazobel

vincenzo1975 wrote: »

Tom, your confusion as to why they did it is the root of your problems. you feel inadequate because maybe ou did not know how deeply they felt or why they did it, and why did you not spot it. Your guilt is an absolute natural feeling.

You shopuld not try to understand these things, that sounds weird, but it is not your responsability to understand the why of this situation, it is just your job to make these events part of you, and move on.

Tom don't make it part of you, you didn't cause the events, you don't need the burden of them, don't even try to understand, just let go. You can't change the outcome of something that's already happened so dwelling on it is pointless, don't let what they did drag you down more, you've nothing to feel guilt about and no reason to be the librarian of their memories. Four people are dead, four lives are ended, don't let the next 60 years of your life be the fifth life wasted.

needhelpguy

I think you should respect the decisions of your three friends. Life is not for everybody. I think if you tried to accept their actions, it would be easier to deal with. For your cousin, well that may take more time...

Have you considered talking to a councillor? It can be very beneficial to talk about these things with someone trained. Please see the sticky on the front page of this forum for more info about this. I would advise this as the best course of action - your post reads as if you are being heavily effected by these deaths.

LovelyTom

The thing is I don't believe that my cousin and one of my friends meant to kill themselves. Although they did, I believe that they never expected to die.
The just weren't like that, they were happy people. Just hot headed...

b3t4

LovelyTom, my heart goes out to you. Life has a great way of throwing all the sh-it at us at the one time, doesn't it?

Please seek out counseling for what you're going through.

I'm including a link that I think might help you find the help you need. Even having read of the information on that site might help you.
http://www.rip.ie/Page.asp?menu=186&page=627

A

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

It has been said that a suicide attemt is often a cry for help rather than a genuine attempt to end one's life, so your last point may be accurate. Have you considered that they may have been unable to communicate their cry in a better way as being a cause

Regarding "opening up" to other people; after four close deaths, this is natural. Theer could be a feelind of "how do I know this person won't abandon me too?", and keeping a distance becomes a defense mechanism.

It'll take time, but you just need to begin trusting people again.

F Nightingale

Tom, I think you could be suffering from a form of complicated grief. Although we all experience loss in our lives we can usually learn to cope because we pass naturally through the stages of grief ie. Denial, Anger, Barganing, Depression and finally Acceptence (Kubler-Ross1969) ... however if someone is unable to get throught one of these stages they can become 'stuck' and enter into an unhealthy grieving pattern. The sings and symptoms of complicated grief are...

Extreme focus on the loss and reminders of the loved one
Intense longing or pining for the deceased
Problems accepting the death
Numbness or detachment
Preoccupation with your sorrow
Bitterness about your loss
Inability to enjoy life
Depression or deep sadness
Difficulty moving on with life
Trouble carrying out normal routines
Withdrawing from social activities
Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
Irritability or agitation
Lack of trust in others

I am by no means an expert as b3t4 says you really need to seek professional help also talk to those you are close to and trust about your feelings your burden is to much to bear by your self!!! I hope everything works out for you.

GirlInterrupted

LovelyTom wrote: »

The thing is I don't believe that my cousin and one of my friends meant to kill themselves. Although they did, I believe that they never expected to die.
The just weren't like that, they were happy people. Just hot headed...

You can't know what their inner life was like LovelyTom, I'm afraid I can only echo the need for councelling here, you need help moving on.

I'm very sorry for all you've been through.

jos28

I have to agree that you would benefit hugely from counselling with a professional. You have suffered huge losses and life has changed for you. Counselling with the right person will help you make sense of your feelings, it will help you to accept what has happened and most importantly counselling will help you to move on. During the grieving process, I found I had some very strange, irrational thoughts and at times I doubted my own sanity. I found a great counsellor, I only went for 6 sessions (1 hour), it wasn't a major ordeal. The hardest part was making the first move but it was well worth it. It will mark a new beginning for you.

lorna100

i have suffered loss too and i can empathise with you - am currently loosing a family member at the moment.

virtual hugs are needed methinks.. and please, go to a councellor. i think it would really help you - 4 deaths in sure a short space of time is a huge amount for anyone to handle.

sorry that your going through such a sh*t time, and my condolences for your lossses.

Lorna x

MissHoneyBun

needhelpguy wrote: »

Life is not for everybody

I'm actually speechless that two people have offered their thanks to a post containing these words! Life IS for everybody -death is hardly an alternative.
With the Leaving and Junior Cert exams running and also at a time when things aren't going so well in this country I think it is *incredibly* irresponsible for anyone to be seen endorsing suicide in any capacity.
I sincerely hope that this was an oversight on behalf of the moderators and indeed those who "thanked" this poster.
Correct me if I'm wrong and apologies if this is the case..

eVeNtInE

This post has been deleted.

lorna100

miss honey bun, i did thank the poster of the reply - life is not for everybody. the power of your life is in your hands only, you have the right to decide if you want to be here or not.

I am in no way endorsing suicide, as a failed suicideee (sp?) i would never endorse it.

i was not thanking that bit of the post in particular, i was thanking the poster as the reply as a whole imo, is very useful. the poster gave some sound advice.

apologies mods for going totally off topic here, back to the OP's post from here on.

speaktofrank

needhelpguy wrote: »

I think you should respect the decisions of your three friends. Life is not for everybody.

Well that is a stupid thing to say in my opinion.
Since when is life not for everybody? Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I don't see how you can respect their decisions, a suicide destroys the family too.

RandolphEsq

Whatever mixed feelings you feel towards close family and friends you need them. They will share the burden of grief and thus help you through it better.
Alternatively you could engage yourself completely in an activity, e.g. writing, and pump all your emotions into stories and books. It would distract you from life and will help you get over the heartaches in life if you write down your feelings in the form of stories. It may even help another person who is consumed with anguish and guilt and inspire them to do something great in their life