Am I being selfish? (long)

LegacyUser

Im 25 married 2 years & My husband is 28 lately we have been financial struggling resulting in me working two fulltime jobs since november. My husband works also depending on the weeek he would work double jobbing like myself or he might only work 4 days the thing is he has a honnie which lately means he is away a lot earning no money so i am left working 2jobs and im just worn out. I hate the second job and feel everything around me is falling to pieces.... Our house is a mess there is no food in the fridge as i only get two evening off a week on my sunday morning off before i go to work i am cleeaning and washing clothes.

Here is the thing.

The husband arrive home after 4 days away and spending over 700euro is working three days this week and heading away again for 12days back again for two and then off again for 4 days. He rang me in work last night in work (he was ment to be working also but didnt) giving out over the home pc not working and i said i hadnt time to sort it and he hung up on me. He was ment to be working tonight but has told me he has to go do something so he wont be able.

I feel like im the one putting the effort in even in relation to our sex life but he is always tired and so am i.... I just dont feel happy anymore i feel like im no exsistent that im there but not there if that makes sense.

I just cry myself to sleep thinking is this how my marriage is going to be for eht next 50 years.

Am i just being selfish maoning at him for having a hobbie which he claims will lead to better things?

RedXIV

OK, two full time jobs for you and a job for your husband should bring in a good bit of cash. Something isn't quite working in your budgeting so i'd suggest meeting with MABS or even sitting down and organising it yourselves. SOMETHING isn't right there. Maybe you are trying to live beyond your means?

As for your husband's hobbie, without knowing what it is, it's very difficult to say whether it will end up paying off. It may and it may not. But either way, you BOTH need to have a serious look at your finances so you will both need to sit down together and have a serious talk

Captain Ginger

RedXIV wrote: »

OK, two full time jobs for you and a job for your husband should bring in a good bit of cash. Something isn't quite working in your budgeting so i'd suggest meeting with MABS or even sitting down and organising it yourselves. SOMETHING isn't right there. Maybe you are trying to live beyond your means?

As for your husband's hobbie, without knowing what it is, it's very difficult to say whether it will end up paying off. It may and it may not. But either way, you BOTH need to have a serious look at your finances so you will both need to sit down together and have a serious talk

Pretty much what he said.

Is there an option for your husband to work one full time job always, and you work one?

If he's not showing up to work because he has other things to do it seems a bit irresponsible.

To answer your question I don't think you are being selfish.

Beruthiel

Feeling Lost wrote: »

The husband arrive home after 4 days away and spending over 700euro

Are you saying he was away to persue his hobbie and it cost 700 quid?

Are you working two jobs because the both of you cannot make ends meet?

If the above is correct then I'd quit the second job straight away. What's he doing spending 700 quid if you have to work two jobs in order to pay the bills. That's taking the piss.
Doing two full time jobs would kill anyone after a certain length of time.
Sit him down and talk to him before your relationship totally dies due to neglect.
There has to be a way of cutting down the work and still being able to lead a life.

tbh

yeah, it's the thing about it paying off that strikes me. That could mean he's into photography, and plans to turn pro, or he's into golf, and plans to turn pro, you know? But either way I would say it's incredibly selfish of him to spend money that you both need on something for himself. How would he feel if you started a little hobby of your own?

LegacyUser

His hobby is sport related. while he isnt like to become a pro of the sport its more a furture business he wants to open as what he is doing gives him a good name in the sport.

I have brought us the issue of how we always in our free time togther which is seldom at the moment partake in his hobbie or i run errins for his work.

IM just sick of being made to feel like the baddy like im being selfish for wanting a bit of rest time and early night every once in a while

echosound

You definitely need to sit down with him and work out a plan, with timeframes. Working two jobs with no end in sight can be incredibly stressful and will leave you burned out. I've done it myself in the past (and for a year, worked 3 jobs , 7 days a week) and towards the end, I was completely frazzled and had to quit one of them or I would have burned out and been unable to continue with any work until I recovered.

How are you still not meeting bills with you working 3 jobs between you? you need to get serious with budgeting and pay off as much of what you owe, and get up to speed with bills etc. Cut back on unneccessary spending, and try to ensure you can organise your working pattern so you can perhaps take one evening off a week that is completely yours to relax and chill out.

If your husband needs to continue with his hobby to work towards his future business, it might help to draw up plans for how he's going to do this, and in what timeframe. You can't keep going with no end in sight, with the future business plans on the long finger at some indefinite time in the future. If you had a timeframe, it might make the difficult situation you find yourself in now more bearable (ie you know that you "only" have 6 more months of working round the clock until you are at a stage where you can cut back on your hours etc, rather than feeling like "this is it with no end in sight" for the rest of your life).

best of luck, and se if you can get your husband to understand that while he may be stressed trying to get his business off the ground, that you are equally stressed and everything should not be falling on your shoulders to cope with (ie working, plus all the house-organisation, plus all his errands plus whatever else you have to deal with at the moment). He needs to free up a little time to ensure the burden does not fall squarely on just your shoulders, as you will end up cracking up. Even just say, 2 hours a week where he sits down and organises himself to do the errands, or sort out stuff, or even lash through some housework etc.

LifeISforLivin

He has no business hanging up on you by the way. How dare he?

I would question this whole set up, his hobby is sport related and its going to give him a good name for the future, sounds more like he is suiting himself and using you as a slave....sorry but look at it objectively.

Did you both arrive at this plan by mutual discussion or did it all just seem to "happen" around you?

This guy sounds like a bit of a selfish twunt, tbh

you on the other hand are far from being selfish -it sounds like he is taking advantage of your good nature.

dudara

Marriage is a partnership. At times one person may have to shoulder more of the work than the other, but what you describe would be unacceptable. You need to talk to him, explain your situation and feeling about the whole thing. Remind him that you are supportive, but him being away and missing work for long periods of time, while you work two jobs is just not something that will continue.

LegacyUser

yeah you are cetainly not the selfish one....but you are being selfish toward yourself... you have to start listening to what your needs are... he does!!!

let it fall apart if you have to ....but you have to change this situation and you dont even need to discuss it with him first-you dont need anyones permission but your own to live your own life,you need to take control over your life and start to not facilitate your needs....

basically give up the second job,talk about selling the house do what ever you have to do to be living your life again,you will burn yourself out,you HAVE burnt yourself out,he has no respect for you

if my boyfriend knew i was worn out like that he would do everything he could to help me your husband seems to think you are there to just make money and live his way -well for him working and sporting at the same time while you hate your job,some men stil expect their wives to be their mothers and look after them,dont do his washing either....time for him to grow up and be a man and have a two way relationship....

start living your life by your needs not his.......

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. After reading peoples opionions i decided i not the selfish one.

So last night i went home and i basicly broke down and explained id had enough of been made to feel like i am constantly in the wrong no matter how hard i try. I tried to explain how tired i was and lonely when he went away that ive no time for myself and i dont spend much money on myself as were on a budget.

(We have been to mabs and they basicly said your not earning enough to cover the debts you built up over the last few year with all the things you have done. So the second job is to cover the ARREARS gas/esb (which are now done) get basic things done in the house (we were renovating and ran out of money) & credit cards i will be starting to clear from november. )

So he says he understands how i feel and that he is away tomorrow for a just over a week (earning no money) and one more trip after that and he will knuckle down... we have agreed i will either cut down to two nights a week in the 2nd job (only if i want to) ot i can quit its up to me. He will need to save up about 5k before he can start up his business and he cant apply for a loan so its a case of him saving for a few months.

Thanks for the replys

LegacyUser

well done-communication is the key,if you can express how you feel it seems he will listen and when he saw how upset you were he realised how much it was impacting on you...

maybe you could start looking at the household budget together and share some of the responsibilities-getting him more involved in how its run...

good luck anyway,relationships have there ups and downs and money is always a tough one... start to be more selfish for you though-as it will do you good xx

Carrigart Exile

It sounds like you are both exhausted, fed up and feeling down, which eventually makes you both snappy and resentful usually of those nearest and dearest to you.

There certainly seems to be something wrong with your budgeting/priorities if you are both this tired trying to make ends meet. Can I ask does your husband know how tightly budgeted you are? Or is there a debt you have run up and are trying to clear without him knowing?

Doctor DooM

OP, can I ask how realistic your husband is being?

The reason I ask is this.

I'm an amateur musician of many years standing in certain circles and I have noticed a phenomenon which I think may be affecting your hubby.

When people who play music at an amateur level are feeling pressure financially, or feel inferior due to lack of qualifications or whatever, they kind of create this in potential dream world in the future where their hobby, usually playing guitar, will lead to eventual fame and fortune.

This happens alot especially if the person is in a "bad" daytime job with a low social standing.

These people rarely acheive their desires. Sadly, they don't realise that a hobby usually remains a hobby, unless you are spending 12 hours a day or more working on it.

I'm worried that your husband is running away from the very real problems he is facing right now by throwing himself into this sport.

If so, the good news is eventually these people get a reality check/ grow up, and from your last reply, it seems your husband is willing to compromise, and just feels stressed out, like you.